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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Giving birth alone.

57 replies

Shellywelly1973 · 10/01/2014 18:11

I've known for most of this pregnancy that it would be very likely i will be on my own when I give birth. I'm 37+3. I was at the hospital today & the enormity of it hit me.

I will have to do this totally on my own. Carry my own bags & car chair. No one to hold my hand or get me a drink. No one to share my fear or joy...

I don't have any close friends here. Exdp doesn't want any involvement with birth, baby or our 3 other dc.

It didn't really bother me until today as Exdp was pretty useless during the other births. I really wanted a hb but it was so difficult to organise care out of the home for the older dc that it makes more sense for me to leave then the dc.

The walk today from the car to the hospital was quite painful & I realised I will do that again whilst in labour with a bag & car chair!

I don't know why I'm posting really as there's no point in being upset as it's the way it is...

It's lonely though. x

OP posts:
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CrispyFB · 10/01/2014 18:18

Sad I don't know what to say, other than I can completely understand why you would feel so sad. I've not had this exact scenario but I've experienced a similar emptiness at what should be a wonderful time after my father passed away and I achieved things I knew he'd be proud of, and nobody else really cared.. and he was gone.

Is a doula out the question? It's a stranger, but at least it's somebody for the more practical stuff. Often you can get trainees who do it cheaply or for nothing just for experience.

BettyBotter · 10/01/2014 18:23

I'd second the doula suggestion. Student doulas are often cheaper.

doula.org.uk

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 10/01/2014 18:29

I decided against a doula after meeting with 4.

I will be fine but you know how it is some days. All those lovely couples in the ante natel clinic looking at scans pictures...Exdp didn't even bother to come to my 12 week scan. He was on a rest day but didn't bother to get up.

I feel very unprepared. I can't visualise the birth centre. There are no tours only a really crap virtual tour. I haven't had time to do hypnotherapy. I need to pack a bloody bag! It just feels horrible at the moment. It's meant to be a happy time. It's my last baby & I had looked forward to this so much but it's horrible, scary & lonely.

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 10/01/2014 18:30

Whereabouts are you OP? i wonder whether a Mumsnetter might be nearby and could help with some practicalities.

callamia · 10/01/2014 18:37

I'm sorry you feel alone. I am pleased that you might get to use a birth centre though - have you given birth in one before? I had the same midwife and a student throughout, and their care and guidance was incredible.

You sound like a very strong and able woman, and I'm already full if admiration for what you're going to do. Do you have friends enough to bring anything you need to the hospital? Or collect you afterwards? I wish you well, and lots of happiness with your new baby.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 10/01/2014 18:39

Where are you based OP? I am sure I'm not the only mumsnetter who would be happy to help if I could?? In the meantime talk to your midwife as they will offer more support if they know you are labouring alone

StrangeGlue · 10/01/2014 18:41

Hey op don't be too proud to ask a casual friend or acquaintance to help most people would be delighted to come in the cab and carry stuff in, get you settled and cone back later. It might turn them into a close friend!

Or a mumsnetter!

Christmascandles · 10/01/2014 18:42

I don't know where you are Shelly but if you're any where near the midlands I would be delighted to be your birth partner etc..

I've had five DC. All sorts of births, cs, induced, epidural, natural Grin
Will support you all the way, ante and post natal.
I was also on my own for one of mine too Sad so know how you feel Thanks

LlamaLover · 10/01/2014 18:44

I'm in a similar situation. I am 26 weeks and have a 3 year old. No partner and no family and just moved to new area so my closest friend are 1 hour plus away. :(

Am going to try for home birth if all stays well with this pregnancy, just so my DS can stay in bed if it all kicks off at night. What are you doing for childcare for your older ones?

I'm 'interviewing' doulas shortly, hope I find one I like. No advice I'm afraid, but lots of understanding. Cake

ChristineDaae · 10/01/2014 18:47

Shelly I never seem to be (geographically) close to anyone on MN but on the off chance I am I'd be happy to help with the practicalities

TallGiraffe · 10/01/2014 18:57

On a practical note, you shouldn't drive yourself to hospital to have the baby. If you are in a taxi, get the driver to help carry your stuff. And on the way home the midwives will help you into a taxi, then get the driver to help again.

What are you doing with your other DC? What if you have to stay in for a few days?

Flowers and offers of help if you are near me.

singlespeedlass · 10/01/2014 19:01

Can I also offer you my services as a taxi driver/bag carrier/hand holder if you are anywhere near me (West Cumbria). I'd be pleased to help.

katatonic · 10/01/2014 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 10/01/2014 19:09

Ah thanks for your kind replies.

I had my last 2 dc in a stand alone birth centre but i couldn't book in there as it's dc6 & their criteria stops at 5 dc. I've always wanted a hb but will never experience one now.

This one is in a large Hospital. Far from ideal but better then a labour ward...I hope!

I was quite friendly with a couple of mums at the school but ds is struggling as he has SNs & hes on reduced hours so i rarely see them. When i do see them i don't have much to chat about as I'm working etc. They are SAHM's with dh's. I don't live close to either of them.

My grown up ds is coming to stay to look after the dc but he doesn't drive so I will get a cab home as there isn't any parking at the hospital.

The doula thing was incredibly difficult as I just didn't connect with any of them. It's quite an odd thing trying to envisage a stranger doing such a personal thing!

OP posts:
dobedobedo · 10/01/2014 19:10

Aww OP and llamalover do tell us where abouts you are. I'm sure a MNer would be there to help out with stuff.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 10/01/2014 19:13

Thanks for all the offers...you've cheered me up. :-)

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 10/01/2014 19:19

ditto to helping, I'm in lincs Smile

callamia · 10/01/2014 19:23

Me too. I'm in SE London.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 10/01/2014 19:23

Hey Shelly
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling sad about this.

I ended up giving birth alone as I was very early. And the end it all got a bit frantic so there was a limit to what DH could have done even if he had been there, but the earlier stages the midwives were utterly utterly brilliant with me. They checked several times there was no one I wanted to call instead, and then we just go on with it. Out of what could have been a fairly negative experience I actually have some really positive memories because, without wanting to get all 'I Am Woman Hear Me Roar' about it, it was a very empowering female environment.

Although I am obviously gutted that DH didn't get to share our first, and probably only birth, in some wierd way I cannot imagine doing it WITH him there!

In terms of more practical advice, I would try and make friends with a good local cabbie who is likely to be your first choice to call to get yourself to hospital, and I'm sure they'll help you into the reception.

I would write a clear birth plan, read up on your hosptial/birth centres policies so you feel well informed about any likely scenario, and make it clear to your midwife exactly how much info you want from them (tell me everything/don't disturb me I'm contracting/whatever!). Although I didn't have a birth plan I did know what was likely to happen in my particular situation, which I think made it easier for the midwives to support me.

OiMissus · 10/01/2014 19:26

Bolton based. Happy to help a fellow mum if I can. Good luck.

itsnotreallymehonest · 10/01/2014 19:28

New forest here!

CurlyKiwiControl · 10/01/2014 19:32

Hi Shelley - just a few words of comfort from me :) I recently gave birth to my third child alone (DS is now 11 weeks) ex partner didn't think he was father (long story) and we have no contact now, he is a total waste of space. It was fine really it was. I phoned a taxi company prior to check they were happy to take me when I was in labour - fine. I told midwife of my situation - fine, and they organised a student midwife to stay with me - fine. I also rang the Labour ward reception when I was outside taxi driver waited and the midwife came down and gave me a hand - fine. Everyone was lovely. The birth was okay too, I just was in the zone so to speak and not really aware I was on my own ... gas and air is brilliant stuff eh?! Afterwards was fine too, I was just pleased to have DS in my arms - nothing else mattered :) it may seem scary now, but honestly it can and will be okay! I would say it was my best birth in fact, I could just concentrate on me. Feel free to ask me anymore questions I don't mind :)

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 10/01/2014 19:36

Lol! at 'I am women hear me roar'!!!

I've never written a birth plan...It would say - leave me alone to get on with it!

The hospital is a nightmare. The Maternity, Ante natel & Birth Centre are at the furthest point from the entrance. It took me 20 min to do the walk today! Actually I need to find out about night time access etc as I only organised going to the birth centre on Tuesday.

I will be fine once I'm there... Thanks again. x x x

OP posts:
Shallishanti · 10/01/2014 19:42

have you ruled out a hb? You don't say how old your other dcs are but I remember someone having her 4th at home because she was a lone parent.

catinboots · 10/01/2014 19:47

Shelly love. Just tell us what county you are in. You may not want a stranger with you for the birth, but one of us could drive you in and bring your things and come back to take you home x

MNers are the best, I promise Smile Thanks