Birth childcare logistics.. what's reasonable to ask of friends?

[CrispyFB]

I am 29 weeks with DC4, and we live at the opposite end of the country to all our relatives, so no family support. DC are 7, 5 and 2.

Normally this is just merely annoying, but when it comes to medical emergencies or preterm labour, we're going to have a situation.

I'm getting an ELCS for very definite medical reasons. However despite my medical history of early, as in 35-38 weeks, precipitous labour (being in labour for long would actually kill us both through uterine rupture as the exit is sewn shut!) and my babies all being big for dates and absolutely 100% fine at those gestations, my consultant is not open to an ELCS before 39 weeks. NICE guidelines you know funny how they never apply them to other things. My last consultant at another hospital allowed me 38+2 which I reached.

Obviously that's a concern of sorts, especially as the nearest hospital that could do a c-section (fortunately also my delivery hospital) is 30 minutes away even on a good day.

However the thing that worries me more is childcare logistics. Understandably we don't want DH to miss the birth, but also he'd need to allow at least 90 minutes to get to me in the event of an emergency if he's at work or there is nobody to take the DC.

My mother (or a nanny) will take the DC on the scheduled section date, but if I don't get that far, then what?

We're fairly new to the area, only moved here just over a year ago. My oldest two are at school but only been attending their current one since April and I've not really had a chance to get very close to any of the other parents.

A few have extremely kindly offered to take the older girls in an emergency, which is incredibly kind of them. I'm hoping we can sort something out for DS - we'd probably split the girls so as not to overload anyone and maybe he can go with one of them.

However I don't know how far I can push it. Whilst it's one thing for them to go home from school with them for a few hours, or even on a weekend, what happens if I need somebody at 3am? Or even 9pm?

I am HOPELESS at asking people for favours, I'm a proud sort and feel tremendously guilty asking for help with anything (understatement) and especially as this is DC4 I know people feel we have brought it on ourselves. So to ask people who I don't know very well if they mind being woken up at 3am to take some of my brood.. well, it's a big ask.

I have looked into emergency childcare but they're office hours only to ring, and they'd need a bit of notice. And I don't know how late they'd work either, certainly I can't imagine a nanny that would cover them late into the night even if they were already working. So while it would work out fine for DC3 if I went into labour in the morning or something, it isn't that useful for other times. I also figure there's a chance a nanny could pick them up from the hospital if needs be if I ended up there at 6am or something, but it might be too late by the time one is organised.

So after that essay, two questions:

1. How reasonable of me is it to ask people if they mind a midnight (or similar!) delivery of small children? I mean, I'd be happy to for other people under normal circumstances i.e. not pregnant and mobility impaired, but I am not everybody.

2. In the event of 4am disaster and nobody to take the DC and I have to have an emergency c-section.. assuming we're all at the hospital, is DH definitely going to miss the birth? What are our odds of somebody being available to watch them long enough for the surgery at least?

Thoughts welcome, and I'm especially interested to hear what others have done in the absence of family to take the DC!

But if she "just turned up with kids in tow" then her DH still couldn't be with her for the birth as he would have to look after them - what a ridiculous comment!!

I'd willingly help if someone asked me that, no question, though I'd prefer to go their house than have kids dropped off, so perhaps leave that option open.

Rockchick, I have fast labours and live a long way from the hospital too, and I've actually been told to bring the children rather than waiting for childcare (not my preferred option, for obvious reasons!)

Bit off topic, but if you think an earlier that 39 week C section would be better, is it worth seeing a different consultant? The fact that the advice you have recieved this time differs from the advice recieved last time would be setting alarm bells off for me. NICE guidelines are one thing but they are easily quoted & not necessarily applicable to your medical history taking all factors into account. Has the consultant balanced the risk correctly?

Calamity you have been told to do that, the OP is trying to find a way to ensure her DH is at the birth. For Mumov4 to suggest that taking her kids along would be a solution, he still couldn't be at the birth as I'm pretty sure the hospital wouldn't let the 3 kids into theatre with them, so her DH would still miss the birth as he would be minding the kids!

Yeah, there is a big difference between "We would rather you gave birth with medical assistance, even if it means shoving your children in the car, than on your own in your house with your kids" and "turn up with the kids thinking somehow this helps your DH be at your section".

Obviously, it is better not to give birth at home, alone, with children present. They are always going to say just about any option is better than that!

Thanks for all the replies! Sorry to hear so many others are in a similar situation too.

superram - I am fairly sure DC3's nursery would be good with us like that too. A few times we've popped him in with short notice for scans and things. It just depends if there's the space and the timing is good! An early morning "emergency" and that would be perfect.. even better if he's still at nursery!

Similarly we could probably get a relative with 12-24 hours notice depending on trains etc too, so any sort of childcare would be relatively short term. My worst case scenario is going into hospital, sitting about being monitored for days, poor relatives get dragged halfway across the country then them letting me go without delivering and we've hassled all these people for a false alarm!!

purplebaubles - I do have to have a scheduled c-section already which does help a bit.. the issue is whether I hit the date!

Lamu - That's exactly it - I don't feel comfortable asking people, I'm hopeless at it in fact! Even if they would be fine with it.

HarderToKidnap - Yep, that's what I assumed, it's DH who has other ideas! It's not a place for children at all - they only come with you if it's a medical emergency and no time for childcare arrangements (or they've all fallen through) and as mentioned - it means DH misses the birth rather than the children go somewhere. Baby and mother come first!

calamityjane1 - That's good advice. I was actually considering something like that, so as to avoid pressuring one person individually and having to wait for a reply as well. Perhaps I should compose a message for DH to send so he doesn't even have to think about it (as chances are I may be in no position to organise it all!)

I would also be flattered to be asked, but I know not everybody would be - how to tell when you don't really know people all that well is another matter though!

If DH is with me and it's looking bad I would probably call an ambulance and leave him to sort out getting the DC places and then follow on in the car. At least that way he stands a better chance of seeing the birth than if we all went in the ambulance (or car) - after all, all our childcare options are close to the home, not hospital.

It's knowing when to call that is tricky. With my last two pregnancies I had so many contractions, even regular strong ones, that eventually went away. With DC2 I did actually have pre term labour (I was monitored most of the day) but it stopped once they took out my temporary stitch. Still not sure if it really was PTL because my labour with DC1 was crazy fast and no build up of contractions, just one huge extremely painful constant contraction. With DC3 we only lived 5 minutes from the hospital so I was happy waiting "to see" and it never got as bad as with DC2. Making the decision to go in, knowing it may be a false alarm and we've got people out of bed etc for nothing.. ugh. I am dreading the next few months as I know my contractions really pick up from 32 weeks!

Sorry to hear you have very similar issues! It is so stressful!!

Superstrength - I do agree with you. Interestingly my first consultant this pregnancy was happy with 10-12 days before my due date. But I swapped consultants at his recommendation as he was more of a gynae chap, and my current consultant (who is otherwise lovely) is a high risk pregnancy specialist so more appropriate. I did really try and push, but she told me she was head of the labour ward so there's pretty much no second opinion as she'd overrule them. I saw her registrar last week and she seemed a bit more open, so who knows? Certainly I am going to give it my best shot, even a few days could make the difference. Normally I am not one to ever suggest early inductions/ELCS etc as I'm quite lentil-weaving at heart, but given my history and the distance from any hospital at all with an operating theatre, I'm somewhat wary in terms of, well, us both surviving. And that's even without considering the childcare, which I know they quite rightly do not take into consideration at all. DH being there is obviously very much desired on a personal level or I'd not be worrying about this at all, but not medically necessary which is what counts!

Not an entirely comparable situation, but one of the most amazing and special days of my life was spent looking after friends DC1 while their DC2 arrived.

They texted me at 5 am and I went round immediately and waited till their DC1 woke up (and DC2 was born! - was homebirth, but we had all plans in place for hospital as well if that proved necessary) and took DC1 home with me for the day to let them have a few hours to focus on new DC2.

I was single and had no DC of my own at that point, and knew the friends and their DC1 (aged 3 at the time) well, and could take the day off work at no notice without any repercussions, so was ideally placed to help. But 6 years on I am still THRILLED they asked me. Hope that helps to give you some perspective from the other side!

Thank you! Yes, that does help It's partly why I'm reluctant to outright ask anybody, because I figure that those who volunteer without being asked directly are probably very willing to help and are going to be my best bet in terms of reliability in an emergency!

Rockchick and Penguins Yep, totally realise that taking children along is a crap solution, C-Section or not, for many reasons! I just meant that Mumov4 wasn't being totally ridiculous to have brought it up when it's what MWs etc sometimes suggest themselves if the mother has a history of rapid labours. Definitely not in any way ideal, but the most important thing is to get to the hospital in time in this situation, by hook or by crook.

Crispy I know exactly what you mean about not knowing when to galvanize troops (I really don't think people would mind, though, honestly). Do you think you might feel a bit better if you got the moment of asking over with sooner rather than later? It doesn't matter if anyone is narked about being asked – it's a cringey thought, I know, but you just need a plan, and I'm sure most people will be more than happy to help.

Hopefully this won't be an issue for you at all and you will just go in on the allotted day! It does seem strange that your consultant won't consider putting it all forward by a week, considering what's happened in the past. If she sticks to her guns, I wonder if there is a way of appealing/writing to the hospital?

Rockchick, obviously they wouldn't be allowed in theatre... in my hospital they have something called a family room, with toys..with staff on the ward to assist with such cases!!

calamityjane - Yes, my consultant has said the same to me as well - get into the hospital at the first twinge. To which I pointed out I'd had some pretty convincing Braxton Hicks last pregnancy and the pregnancy before that amounted to nothing. She didn't have an answer, beyond "well, if there's ever any suspicion, come in anyway". Because that's practical, yes. I can just see me wearing out my lovely kind offers of help several weeks before the baby actually arrives if I followed that advice..

Such a fine balancing act!

If only the hospital wasn't so far away, because then we could all go in for one of those "maybes" (DH lurking in the hospital where permitted with the DCs) Then if an EMCS looked likely I wouldn't feel bad about asking people to collect the DC, or DH could quickly drive home with them to drop them off somewhere and get back in time. But it could take a few hours in bad traffic - hanging on 20 minutes is one thing (hey, I could spend a while in the bathroom..! what they going to do?) a few hours is another.

A whole week earlier would be absolutely perfect given I know I reached 38+2 last time (she wants me in 39+1 as 39+0 is a Sunday) and DS was completely and utterly 100% healthy and ready to go home right away, just like my other DC that came at 35 and 36 weeks. I'd even take the steroids as a precaution although I don't think they're much good beyond 34 weeks from what I recall. But I don't know if I'd get very far with appealing. She's going to set the date at my appointment in mid February so I'll make my very best case around then. Even 38+4 could make the difference.

I am going to ask people as soon as possible, you're right. The longer I leave it, the more I'm stressing over it.. it would be nice not to have to worry about it and there is always the risk I might need them sooner rather than later anyway! Hopefully not, but you just never know.

mumov4 - Very, very envious! What a considerate hospital.. if only they all had something like that. I guess they either have more resources than average or allocate them a bit differently. I remember when my brother was born, my sister and I (12 and 7) waited in such a room on our own for several hours from about 5am! There was nobody to watch but nobody minded.

Crispy That's exactly my problem as well – "come in at the first signs" is such useless advice, isn't it?!!! I had strong contractions from 37 weeks last time (including in a big traffic jam driving around a lion enclosure in a safari park – I think we'd have made the local papers if I'd given birth there!). Last time I left the house feeling fine and it wasn't till we were halfway to a local unit that I wanted to push. I'm full of admiration for the NHS but sometimes it does seem that consultants etc don't take our individual circumstances into account.

If you did end up going in with the children on a "maybe", remember how much the hospital may well faff around getting your section sorted. Do they slow/stop your contractions beforehand? (sorry, medical knowledge pretty sketchy!) I bet getting all that sorted would buy your DH time to sort something out for the DC, too, or for someone to come and collect them if need be, if it seemed that you had no choice but to head in with them.

I had an emergency c section at 35 weeks with my second child and my partner looked after our firstborn. it wasn't ideal, he would obviously liked to have been there, but ultimately we didn't have anyone that our oldest would have felt ok being dropped off at and it was important that he feel secure. Actually it worked out for the best as the section had complications and they needed to put me under general half way through, so he would have been removed from the theatre anyway. And he still got to see our daughter before me, as did our son.

I hope you find a solution for your childcare issues :)

Hi OP, I'm 38wks and in a sort of similar position to you (family all too far away and a history of fast labours) so have spent quite a while planning my childcare, so I thought I'd share my experience of asking people I don't know all that well.

I decided that to cover every base (middle of the night, middle of a school run, different people working part time, off-chance someone decides to pop out and forgets their phone) I'd ask lots of people and make a list that I could just go down and find the first person who was available and able to take DC.

100% of them have said they'd be more than happy to help out, and I can tell they really meant it!

Some were more keen than others, so I've got the really keen people at the top of my list and the others further down.

A couple were quite insistent that I called them as they said they'd feel so honoured to be able to help at such an important moment in our lives. I also think some people just love to be part of the drama/excitement and love the fact that they'll be the first to hear. This is a PITA when it's your overbearing MIL but a great thing when it comes to needing neighbours for childcare!

If you're worried about people feeling unable to say no, could you ask a group of mums in the playground, for example, so that if anyone is reluctant they can just keep quiet? Or suggest it as a "I'm just wondering what to do..." sort of thing and see if they offer. Or say "I was wondering if you could... If you wouldn't mind could you have a think and let me know which days/times your available/not available?" And then see how they respond. If someone's not sure that gives them the option of telling you they've got a lot on that month/other commitments, or they can just not get back to you.

I would definitely recommend asking lots of people, and tell the ones you ask that as well, so that they know that them saying 'no' won't leave you high and dry.

That's been my experience anyway, and I now have a list of several people, some I know better than others, but all of whom I can call if I need to.

HTH!

Hi, haven't had a chance to read all the replies so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but if you can afford it, have you thought about hiring a doula for childcare purposes? They can be on-call overnight, do school runs, meals etc and the children would be at home so potentially less unsettling for them. In the case of an emergency you wouldn't have to worry about dropping the children off at different places, or getting them picked up.

calamityjane - ha, excellent if you delivered in a lion enclosure!! Part of me longs to do something like that (for a while I had a fantastic list of silly places I'd breastfed, birth would top that!) but of course in my situation it's physically impossible. I agree, the NHS prefers to do things by the numbers because there's so many patients - the trouble comes when different consultants believe contradictory things and they all think they're right.

You're right in that they do faff about for ages before a c-section (unless it's a crash one, obviously) but even then I still don't think the faffing would cover the possible few hours it might take DH! They usually try things like nifedipine patches (they did with DD2) which usually stalls things enough for steroids to work. However if it's after about 35-36 weeks I suspect they won't bother trying to stop it.

seveneights - I'm sorry your partner missed the birth, although it sounds like as it turned into a GA he would have done anyway! Thank you

BakeOff - Those are all excellent suggestions, thank you! I have already made a document (shared with DH, accessible from anywhere) listing all the possible contacts we have so far and when to use them. So far I have three local mothers but I definitely need more especially as it's sensible to split the DC amongst at least two families as three excited DC is a lot for anyone on top their own.

I agree, addressing them en-masse in the playground is the way to go, that way if anybody isn't able to, they simply don't need to say anything! Some are definitely more keen than others but they all seem pretty keen, probably because they're ones who volunteered without me even mentioning anything! And that's true - everyone loves to be first with the gossip!! And yes, I'll make it clear I have lots of options so if it is inconvenient they must not feel bad about saying no at the time.

leg - I actually had no idea doulas would do that! I knew they could come round after the birth and help out in general (whether that's childcare of older DC, tidying, just talking to the mother, breastfeeding support etc) but I had no idea they would do something like this. Something like that would be perfect..

Crispy, have you tried the time-honoured method of bursting into tears at a consultation with your consultant . I did this yesterday (actually not on purpose, I really did burst into tears at the thought of children witnessing me in the transition stage of labour, in the car, on the way to hospital), and the tune changed quite rapidly ;-)

Basically, I've got to go to the far-distant big hospital for a consultant-led birth because the baby is measuring large, and I also have Strep B. The MW representing my local unit spent quite a long time explaining all the horrid things that might happen if I stayed at the local unit and my big baby got stuck and had a shoulder dystocia (I don't want to go there anyway, I want to be at the big hospital - it's just the distance that scares me with my history of fast labours). When she had finished, I just said, "So if that happens on the way to the consultant unit an hour's drive from my house, then that's a good thing?" And then I burst into tears, saying, "I know the risks of induction but better a managed risk in hospital than an unmanaged risk on the way."

Registrar immediately said that they would support my wish to have an induction and that we would discuss it further at 36 weeks. They won't consider an induction any earlier than 39 weeks, however, even though my first child was born at 38. Better than a slap in the face, though.

I would also be really happy to help if anyone ever asked me. I am in a fairly similar situation, dc3 due in the spring and have no obvious Childcare for dc1 (4yrs) and dc2 (3 yrs). Our solution has been to employ an au pair to come and live in and be on call should I need someone quickly (or until pil can get here a few hours later).

It's a strange thing but I have many mum friends round here, well established friendships and people very rarely offer to help. For instance, I don't drive and although the school is only just under a mile away, in the snow I would imagine that to be quire a challenging run whilst at the end of pg, kids on scooters. Luckily, no snow thus far this season. But we have been walking in the driving rain before with friends waving to us as they pass by in cars...I think many people truly don't think rather than purposefully wish to be unhelpful.

I would be really honoured if someone asked me to be their emergency person. I would do it for anyone, no matter how well I knew them.

If your baby is due in the Easter hols, would you get a student to live in temporarily? Could you squeeze someone in for a few weeks?

My experience is that people were really happy to help.

I was really nervous about asking for help at all, but had to due to no local family.

When DC2 was due, I asked the two mums I knew from DC1's birth; the staff at DC1's nursery, which got me offers to take him home and look after him there for as long as needed; and mums from school who I really didn't know, which got me three more helpful phone numbers and times I could contact them.

In the end I had a list which was sorted by availability, e.g will help evenings only; will help weekends only; will help anytime day or night; will mind after school and so on!

People were utterly lovely. And the same again for DC3's birth and during some complications in late pregnancy.

Oh, and our childminder was fab too when DC3 was due - it might be worth asking if any childminders locally do emergency care?

calamityjane - It is sorely tempting to try the tears route! Although the one time I tried that before (albeit genuine tears) with a midwife due to my SPD back with DC1, she just handed over a tissue and carried on talking to her colleague. So I'm a little wary of doing it again. This consultant is very businesslike and also female so I get the feeling she'd be less moved by tears than my previous one who seemed a bit more touchy-feely and was a chap as well!

I hope you make it to 39 weeks and an induction! I hear you on the worry - this is what I've tried to say to them.. wouldn't it be better to do everything under controlled conditions at a set time? Even from their point of view (never mind my logistics!!)

Beegey - I wish we could get in somebody like an au pair but there just isn't the space, and I'm the sort of person who is very private and could never share a houshold with non immediate family too (as I found out over the years!) I know what you mean about how some people just don't offer to help because they don't think. It's about a 50/50 split here, I think our immediate neighbours fall into the category you describe, but some of the mothers at school are the other way round. One of them offered me a lift (only a 5 minute walk, but all uphill and I was waddling with my crutch badly!) the other day home from an after school club and I was overcome with gratitude. Such a small thing but it really made me feel so much better that somebody cared enough to offer

Unfortunately baby is due right in the middle of term - mid March!

NightLark - I must remember to ask tomorrow at nursery if there are any opportunities for emergency childcare there with staff. I meant to today (DS only does Tues/Wed) but got distracted by baby brain as usual!! Thank you for sharing your experience - gives me a bit more courage. I think you are right to categorise help - when people offer, I'll try and clarify with them what they're willing to do (making sure they know I have other options so they don't feel bad for saying no to something)

I may also ask around about local emergency childcarers to other parents, in fact that's a great conversation starter on the topic because if they are able to offer they would do so then, and if they're not, well, the conversation was about childminders, not them!

How have you got on OP?

I'm 35 weeks now and in the same predicament as you describe. Literally no one to call on at all to look after our 18month old :S