OH won't tell his kids

[mimi74]

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, 40 years old, never thought I would have kids, and am very excited. Fell pregnant very early into a new relationship (although I've known him since school). This baby is pretty miraculous in that he had a vasectomy 2 years ago, but all tests have shown that it has reversed itself. Everything is great in our relationship, but he still hasn't told his 2 kids from previous marriage that I'm pregnant (age 15 and 9). I know he has had some difficulty getting his head around it, but at the minute I am feeling very insecure as he refuses to share the news with the people closest to him.
I get on with his kids great, but now starting to get a bump and finding it difficult to hide it from them. I've told my family, some friends and work colleagues, but want to share it with others but am too scared in case it gets back to them. He's not lived with his ex or kids for a year now, and says he doesn't want to upset them anymore after the tough year they have had. But its driving me insane!
Feeling very alone right now and worried about our future, at the minute this is the only thing ruining a really great relationship. He talks about the baby and gets excited, but I feel like he's too embarrassed to tell them and it's making me feel like his dirty little secret.
Has anyone had to deal with anything like this? Or anyone got any advice??

That's what I keep telling him.... I only see them twice a week (we don't live together at the minute) but have said now I wont see them until he tells them. He promised me he would tell them when Xmas was over, then he promised me last week, still nothing. My niece goes to school with his youngest so I've even had to hide it from her. Tonight I've told him I am telling my niece on Saturday no matter what.

It's not exactly amicable, but they communicate for the kids sake. I do wonder whether he's more scared of her knowing than them.... She has a new partner, but will no doubt be very shocked as he shouldn't be able to have any more kids....

Well, I can see that impregnating someone after vasectomy would come as rather a shock, and that it would be totally reasonable to need a bit of time to adjust to the idea. Bu actually, I don't see why that adjustment period needs to go beyond the 12 week scan point (a frequent point where people 'go public')

I would have run out of patience by now.

Is he, by lack of action, just hoping you'll do it all? Bit shabby, but if this is a one-off I suppose you have to live with it. But if it's part if a wider issue of poor communication with XW, then you need to tell him to get his act together and sort it out before there are further repercussions on you and your growing family.

Does he think the situación will Go away if he ignores it? Seriously. Sounds like he just can't face up To the reality for whatever reason and is hoping the Ex and DCs don't find out.

But in the real world that doesn't happen and he's going To have To tell them. I know someone who tried To keep a pregnancy secret, people worked it out. His DCs will too and then they'll want To know why they weren't told. And he needs To be the one who tells them.

I am FAST running out of patience. And he knows all this that you have all said. Am hoping that me telling my niece at weekend will spur him into action. I could just stick it on Facebook right now knowing full well she will find out from friends of friends, but I'm trying to be reasonable and understanding. But thats fast running out....

Mimi, firstly congratulations on your little miracle baby.

I know you feel like you are being very patient and reasonable, and in a sense you are. However, for a man, pregnancy is different, they don't get the constant reminders with sickness and hormones etc. To him, it is a huge step to tell his other children, and he probably been like a typical man, and is trying to avoid thinking about it. My dh did not want to tell anyone with our first child til very late in the pregnancy!

By telling him you are not to see the children until he tells them, and that you are telling your niece this weekend, knowing it will get back to his children, is not going to be helpful. You need to talk to him and ask what his main concern is? Does he want you help with telling them or stay out of the way? How would he like to tell them? What would HIS chosen timescale be to tell them? Can he see any way of easing the hurt that it will inevitably cause his children?

Try to find a little more patience, and some extra strength, to help him through this tough time of hurting his children. I hope you don't mind this other perspective.

The longer he leaves it, the worse it will be. Better to do it now, than to prolong his silence.

i can see it from both perspectives,maybe?

you: want to share your joy at unexpected but much wanted child. possibly also needing the reassurance about the future of your relationship that going public would bring? you havent been together long and perhaps this is the first big "we" event.

him: probably deeply hurting that he no longer lives with his children. probably feels like he would be betraying them by loving another child, so soon. maybe even feeling that by moving on to a new relationship & child, he is somehow cheapening what he had, that was his world for so long. (im not saying he is but its been less than a year, its an open wound).

this is going to sound very blunt, but with everything thats happened in his life, he is probably thinking this is all too soon, and probably wanted a slow and gentle start and its a huge adjustment to suddenly be in this full on situation. not to mention that he had at some point decided he didnt want more children.

i think its a very difficult balance between giving him time and space to work out how to do this without hurting his children, and looking after your own needs. unfirtunately deadlines dont do much for this type of situation, except add more pressure, and if you want the relation to last i think it would be a good idea to keep it from your niece a little longer.

im not sure that avoiding his children is a good idea and part of me thinks if he chooses not to tell and they notice then what will be will be.

im sorry for you that this exciting time is marred by complication. try and share the joy with your close friends for now and focus on the parts you can share with them x

Hi I do understand a bit where he is coming from, I got pregnant quite early on in a new relationship. I have 2DC already and so does my partner, I was really worried about telling my DC's as they were still very raw from mine and ExH split. We decided to tell all the DC's at the same time, they were all fine except my eldest DC (15) who burst into tears and said she would never have anything to do with it and I was ruining her life, I felt terrible. Fast forward to now and DC3 is now 11 weeks old and she couldn't be a more loving big sister from the moment she saw him at the hospital. We even joke he's not going to know who his mum is, she loves bathing, feeding, changing him and the first thing she does when she gets in from school is pick him up to give him a cuddle. All the DC's have rallied round and my fears were unfounded. Kids are more adaptable to change than we think :)

Thanks everyone. Though I fear I have ruined it all. We've had a massive chat tonight. It turns out that some of you above are dead right - he feels like this baby will tear him in two. He said his 2 kids are his whole world. He is worried that his eldest will never speak to him again and that will tear him apart.

And I've got down to the core of it all - he didn't want more kids. He says he loves me deeply but is angry with himself for making me upset all the time. And angry that the vasectomy has failed him. And angry that what should be the happiest time for both of us is making us both miserable. He is worried that when the baby comes he won't want to know it or love it. I think you are right willitbe , giving him the deadline has made it worse. He is a terrific dad, I can see that, and he doesn't want to hurt his kids.

I do understand his side of it, but now I feel like I don't think we even have a future together. Even though at nearly 40 years old, I know he is the most I have ever loved or felt about anyone. Our relationship is the best one I've ever had, but this baby has come right between it. But I am TERRIFIED of doing this on my own. I am getting hysterical and panicky at the mere thought of it.

All I crave is reassurance that everything will be OK, but he can't give that to me.

Really don't know where we will go from here.

Thanks to you all, I really mean that, I don't want to talk to any of my friends or family about this as I know they will judge him badly. And he really is the kindest most decent soul. It's all just a big mess right now.

It sounds like he is being incredibly honest with you about how he feels at the moment.

Sleep on it. Give him a day or so. It sound like he cares about his children, and will love this one too, he just needs a little time.

I'm glad you had the chance to talk about it openly and honestly. I think you need to give him and your relationship time. Don't feel you have to rush any decision. He's still shocked by what happened and needs to adjust. It will be very hard to be patient but love is hard sometimes. Surround yourself with friends who can share your joy/be there for you no matter what even if youdon't tell them what's going on at the moment x

It is great that you both managed to talk about how you feel. Communication in a relationship is vital. And you will always have some sort of relationship with this man, as he is the father of your child.

He sounds too caring and loving to walk away and never see his new child. But it is going to take him time to adjust. He will not be able necessarily to bond with his new child until after he/she is born.

If you really love this man, then give him the space and time he needs to adjust, I think from what you have said , that he will come round and grow to love this precious gift.

I think you need to put on hold thoughts of leaving him, but concentrate on getting support for yourself outside the relationship. People who will be able to share your excitement of this little miracle baby.

I hope that being able to talk here on mn is helping too.

Thank you. I very nearly ended the relationship so many times last night/this morning. I have typed out so many angry texts then deleted them. I love him and he says he loves me but he doesn't know how we can work it out, but that he can't stand the thought of me not being around.
I've put everything into this relationship over the last 4 months, see him every day. I have lost a few friends, stopped socialising. i need to talk to my friends more. I have had to take today off work sick as I just can't stop crying. Thankfully my best friend is home from her hols today and is on her way round.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

He's imagining that this news will upset his kids – and that the reality of having another sibling will tear them apart. But, as foxeym says above, the probability is that when baby is here, his kids will fall in love with it.

It's great that he's been able to be honest with you, although obviously not great that those honest feelings have hurt you. But speaking from my own experience, even these awful situations can be resolved with plenty of time, patience and understanding. Actually, they can even make you stronger.

This baby is also his baby – once he realises that and accepts that it ranks alongside his older two kids, he'll manage much better. Hope it all works out OK for you.

Show him my reply and it may set his mind at rest, believe me I had a whole pregnancy of negativity from my DCs and now they couldn't be any more different. You both also have to realise that you are entitled to have a life as children grow up and move on etc and that is the realisation that I came to. I had to live my life for me and my DP and try and make the DCs understand that. We also had no plans for any more children as we are both 42 but sometimes life has other plans and I believe DC3 was meant to be I hope it works out ok for you, a child is a blessing no matter what the circumstances, best wishes

Hubbahubster - yes thats exactly what he's doing. He's worried about how he can fairly divide his time between us all. I get on great with both kids and am sure they will come round, but he can't seem to see that. Although he now has hinted at telling his eldest at the weekend when he spends some time with him, he wants to tell him first as thats who he is most worried about.

Foxeym - we've spoken on the phone today and I did tell him abut your response. I do think he is coming round a bit, but until he actually tells them things won;t get any better. At the minute the thought of it is driving him mad and his predictions of their responses are worrying him. We are having a few days break from each other but staying in touch by phone and text, just so he can get his head together a bit.

fwiw i think the conversation you had was a very positive step and the warts and all honesty and how both people deal with it, is what makes or breaks.

well done on not hitting send on the angry texts and emails. maybe try when you have calmed from those moments think what the anger was about exactly and deal with it by discussing with a friend or even him if its going to be constructive: ie dont bottle up your emotions just because your trying to help with his.

i also dont think this man is going to turn his back on you, or his child, he just needs to take his time to work out how to adapt to all the changes and how all the pieces fit together. have faith, but also faith in yourself, that whatever happens, you are going to be a wonderful mother and no-one or nothing can take that joy awsy from you.

Just wanted to send everyone an update and say thanks for all the support this week.
He's told his ex and son tonight..... I wasn;t expecting him too, he just did it! His daughter being told tomorrow. Son was quiet but OK, ex was very shocked but at the same time sympathetic towards me.
Really thought my life was over this week, and the help and support on here was just amazing.
Still got a way to go but its certainly looking a lot less bleak.
First time I've used this forum and will be coming back!

Im really glad he told them, and it wasn't as bad as he thought! Congratulations on your pg

I'm glad all is well, he will see that things will get better once it's out in the open and then you can both relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. I'm sure his DCs will love their brother/sister once it's here as mine did :)

That's really positive news mimi - I am sure that given time all will be well. Although it was obviously very upsetting, having an honest conversation will probably help you both in the long run. Being able to talk openly about your hopes and fears and how to manage them can only make you stronger. Good luck and congratulations on your miracle baby.

Congratulations - so pleased it's heading in the right direction. I think sometimes it's the anticipation, actually having to say the words, that is the hardest bit.