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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

DREADING telling inlaws about pregnancy No.3....

18 replies

Claryrocks · 06/01/2014 13:25

I'm 6 weeks pregnant with number 3 and feeling sick about telling my inlaws as know they will have a massive problem with this. My DH is the apple of their eye. An only child ("because we could never love another child as much as we loved P"...Grghh) they dote and fuss over him. When they sent us on honeymoon (they took us to airport) they both told us how they cried all the way home as they had "lost" their son. They obviously didn't really think they lost him as when we announced we were having their first grandchild a couple of months later we were met by a deadly silence. Can you afford it was their first question (we are a middle class affluent professional couple at that point just turned 30) and then nothing. What made it worse was it was Christmas and they refused to talk about it other then MIL told me FIL had a bad dream about me being preggers and she confessed they couldn't "get rid of it so would have to deal with it"?!!

Needless to say they now adore DD1 and when we announced we were pregnant with DC2 they were very chuffed. But they have made it very clear having more than 2 is silly and selfish, especially when we now have one of each. I am dreading telling them. We're waiting until the scan but any advice would be great!

Anything like this is always all down to me. He is their darling and I am the one that makes the bad decisions. Our childrens intelligence all comes from my MIL's side and my DH and it drives me mad. She's quite insular with little life experience but feels nothing about putting her opinion across where it isn't needed.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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BillyBanter · 06/01/2014 13:27

What does your DH think?

Original poster

Claryrocks · 06/01/2014 13:30

He's a lovely laid back guy and was really hurt with how they behaved about our little girl as it ruined it for him as he expected them to be overjoyed. He's not saying too much and says it's none of their business and its up to us how big we want our family to be. He probably will stand up to them to an extent but they put him in a really difficult position.

I just feel so protective towards this little thing and it's bringing back how upset I was the first time. The nastiness is usually directed at me too which doesn't help.

OP posts:

SweetPea86 · 06/01/2014 13:45

Quite frankly it's nothing to do with them. I'm the type of person I'd have to have 5 kids if it meant pissing off the in laws lol.

You and you hubby sound like you have a very good happy life and another addition to the family is amazing. Congratulations btw.

Don't let worrying about what they will think take away the excitement of a new baby in the family. Just because they only wanted one child doesn't mean you have to both follow in there foot steps.

Hope you have a happy pregnancy

SweetPea86 · 06/01/2014 13:47

As for him being their little darling that's all very well but it takes two to make a baby.

Does she think your a sperm stealer :p

SofaKing · 06/01/2014 13:56

I had this too, in laws thought one of each was enough, so when I called to tell them about ds2 mil's response was 'Oh no!'

It was very hurtful, the response was because we had been due to be invited to fil's 60th and show off his gc to his friends, and having another baby prevented this. We had no idea as we hadn't yet been invited. They are very nice to ds2 now but I'll never forget their first reaction was that they didn't want him.

Hope your in laws come round to the idea, it is encouraging they now like your DC, perhaps they cannot stand being reminded what you are doing to their precious innocent son to get these grandchildren, and all against his will of course

BillyBanter · 06/01/2014 13:58

I guess he can be the one to break the news and can big up how excited he is and how much he wanted you both to have a 3rd child. If they try to 'blame' you in front of him he needs to put them right. And, if necessary, tell them they can keep their opinions to themselves.

Original poster

Claryrocks · 06/01/2014 14:18

Thanks for your responses. SofaKing this is exactly what we will get as MIL turns 60 a week before baby due and I'll probably have a section which will mean it will coincide! They're your typical "Christians" (And absolutely no offence to Christians - I am one but I don't go to church every week - they do and like nothing more than bragging about their good deeds to everyone but often say very unchristian things).

Yes sweatpea I think they probably do think I'ma sperm stealer!! They will think I was on the pill or something and accidently forgot to take it. (in reality I had a mirena coil -he's a Gynae dr and came home with all the necessary implements to take it out so he's far from innocent in this venture!!)

DH has confessed he's really apprehensive about telling them but said he will stand up for us all this time. They live 5 hours away so thankfully it will be a phone call when we've had the scan and know all is well. Still makes me feel sick. (And that's not just the morning sickness).

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 06/01/2014 14:22

If you understand that this is their problem not yours it might be easier to not fret over it.

You have your DH and you children and, presumably, a happy life and another child on the way. If they want to get in a pickle about something that is none of their business and affects them not one jot, then that's up to them.

Original poster

Claryrocks · 06/01/2014 14:32

My mum said exactly that Billy - it's their problem not yours. We are incredibly happy with our lives and so excited about having a third baby. It's just this hangs over me like a dark cloud but I need to let it go as I know I have enough to concentrate on over the next few months.

OP posts:

PixelAteMyFace · 06/01/2014 14:42

When we announced to my FIL that I was pregnant with DC3 his immediate reaction was to suggest an abortion !

He couldn't understand why we had actually chosen to have a third child, and said he wouldn't have had more than two if contraception had existed in his time.

He is a father of 5 who supposedly practises his religion

Stevie77 · 06/01/2014 16:50

I think you need to adopt an attitude of, I'll say it politely, not caring.

Why does it matter what they think? Why do you care?
You're happy that you're having your third child, and so is your husband. Frankly, I'm not sure this is about them doting over him as much as some sort of control or general meanness IYKWIM?

Ragwort · 06/01/2014 16:55

I agree with Stevie in that you both need to grow a backbone, why are you so worried about what your ILs think? Am I right, he is a Gynaecologist and yet he is worried about telling his parents that he and his wife are having a third child ?

This is your life - enjoy it, don't worry about other people, be grateful the ILs live five hours away. Maybe just don't tell them until the baby is born, then say something like 'surely we mentioned we are having another baby ......... you must have forgotton' .

Waitinggame8 · 06/01/2014 18:21

What a horrible way to feel when this should be a really happy time for you and your husband.
I agree with everyone that it is none of their business, and you and your husband have made a decision for your family, not for them.
If they have such a problem with it then at least you can limit the number of times you need to see them, and I would make them have to travel to you any time too, one less thing for you to worry about with 3 darling children.
If they are such good Christians then surely they should see every addition to your family as a blessing. I really feel for you that they have made you feel like this when you should be staying as relaxed as you can.
We are expecting our first after many years of believing it would never happen, and both our parents and extended family are extatic. I would gladly share some of their excitement and well wishes with you if it would help.
Congratulations and remember that you don't have to let small minded people affect your own happiness.

lalouche · 06/01/2014 18:49

My inlaws were also horrified by announcement of dc3. They only had 2 children themselves, so obviously that is the only sane choice . That is their general attitude to life so I wasn't surprised. Having said that, we never ever tried to explain or justify our decision to them and they quickly realised it was a done deal! I'm sure they still privately moan about what a dreadful thing I have done to their son, but having said that they do now seem reasonably excited about the idea of another grandchild, and are actually pretty supportive and helpful doing school runs now I am huge and knackered. If your inlaws have come round to idea of your existing children, hopefully the same might happen again once they get the chance to process the idea. But when it comes down to it your choices are none of their business, and certainly do not need to be justified to them.

Apparentlychilled · 06/01/2014 19:10

I had this with my ILs. Both are 1 of 2, their siblings have max 2 each, they had 2. Obv 2 is the only right no to have...

I had pnd after both dc. We had always said we'd like 3 and MIL always said we shouldn't have another, even before I got pg w no3 (not that we ever asked her). Her 1st reaction when we told her that we were having No3 was "poor DD" (who is our eldest). How I didn't lamp her one, I don't know. She repeated it later and I did make an acerbic comment about how plenty of children cope w big families and sharing (I'm from a far bigger family and so are my parents- I have 12 aunts and uncles, excluding aunts/uncles by marriage).

I've since realised that she doesn't realise how AWFUL that sounded and that I don't need her opinion or approval (though the latter wd be nice). Harsh though it sounds, my family is me, DH and our DC. Anyone else who doesn't approve can shove off.

For me, I think one of the issues has been moving from her being head of her family, to me and DH being grown ups and head of our family. I'm fine w not being best friends with her as I know she loves the bones of DH and the DC. Just cos my choices aren't hers doesn't invalidate them.

So, OP- lots of sympathy from me. It's also tough when pg as everything feels so much more intense/more personal. But this is your decision (yours and DH's) so focus on thinking that you've made your own decisions and choices about your family (in the same way that you have for your careers, where you live, to marry each other etc), and that as long as you're happy with your decisions, everyone else can shove it.

Good luck!

Apparentlychilled · 06/01/2014 19:12

Sorry- didn't realise that would be QUITE so long!

RedToothBrush · 06/01/2014 19:14

Tell them you are having triplets. Then when they find out the truth, it will be a relief.

stargirl1701 · 06/01/2014 19:18

I hear you, OP. MIL suggested we get an abortion when we announced our first pg. The issue...we weren't married. What would her (church) friends think? The pg ended in mc

If we decide to have 3 we'll probably face the same.

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