pregnant and alone

[Katiebro]

Hello, in just looking to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation to me. I have 2 children from a previous relationship years ago. After about 18 months alone i met my partner and we were together 2 years and planned to marry later this year. About 2 months ago he just upped and left, very out of the blue. This was upsetting enough as it is, he was my best friend too and i didn't see it coming. A few weeks after he left i was feeling unwell and was shocked to discover in pregnant. I was told it was very unlikely i would conceive naturally again and me and my partner discussed maybe having fertility treatment after we were married. I have since discovered he has left the country to start a new life. I did manage to get hold of him to tell him i was pregnant and he basically said he didn't want to know, i should have an abortion, and said i would be selfish to have the baby and no one would ever want me if i have this baby and he hopes i have miscarriage. Its been an awful time. The pregnancy in itself hasn't been that straight forward with bleeding and many trips to the hospital for scans although all problems seem to be resolved now and baby's fine. I always hoped after the breakdown of my first relationship that i would meet someone nice, get married and have a baby with someone who would stay by my side. I thought I had that coming for me. I feel like i must do something wrong for this to have happened again. Do you think im selfish to have this baby or was he just trying to make himself feel better? I just don't know what to think. All my friends are getting married or engaged and all seem so happy. I really thought i was one of them this year. In terms of support i have around me i have my mum. I have a small family so shes about it. I have friends and they all seem keen on the phone about supporting me but when you ask if they can come to an appointment with you and hold your hand they never seem to be about! My ex partner recently cut all ties with my 2 children after he met his new woman so im used to being a mum with no help from the man. I have a good job and nice home which is something but still feel my head is a mess with recent events. Has anyone been in a similar situation who can advise how they dealt with all things? Sorry for such a long miserable post for a Saturday! X

Not been in this position, but couldn't read & run

What do YOU want to do? Hand on heart, what does your gut say?

Only you can decide, I don't think you sound selfish at all.

Plenty people go it alone, you're lucky to have your mum & there are so many mum's groups nowadays. Are your older children around?

I haven't been in your situation, but I just wanted to write something, a sort of cyber hug.

Try not to let this knock your self esteem, focus on what you've achieved so far, and be proud of yourself - you've obviously got your life together after a previous split, and it sounds like you might be better off without this bozo anyway. He sounds selfish, not you - he doesn't want responsibility by the sounds of it, and is using emotional blackmail so he doesn't have to feel guilty about not being there for you and the baby.

It's so hard to make these decisions when you're emotional anyway, but you've obviously stuck it out this far for a reason... Try really hard to focus on what you want, what your heart tells you.

If there was a hug smiley I'd put it here. X

I've ended up a single parent. I'm expecting dc6 in just over 3 weeks.

Think long & hard. It's incredibly hard. I own my house. I have a very successful business. But I'm totally on my own. Your lucky to have your mum but be realistic about how much support she is able to give to you. You also mention friends, again be realistic. I don't have any close friends. I've not had one phone call or text this Christmas from any ' friends'.

In all honesty if I'd known I was going to end up on my own I wouldn't have continued with this pregnancy.

You need to think about YOU & what YOU want. It's your life & body. At least you know exactly what your getting into.

Wishing you the very best of luck!

So sorry you've been through this. You have done nothing to deserve what's happened - you're Ex DP just said what he did because it's convenient for him if the baby just goes away and he can bugger off to a new life.

You have managed before as a single parent and although I've no doubt it'll be hard, if you want this baby you can do it.

Unfortunately, friends have such busy Lives that although they care about you, they probably can't offer you much in terms of practical support. In time you will meet someone new and have the chance to find the settled life you want. In the meantime, have a good think about what it is you want, don't let your rotten EX influence your decision.

On a practical note, as organisation called HomeStart offer volunteers for 2 hours a week for families with children under 5. They will come to your home and support you looking after your kids (they don't babysit but will play with the kids while you get on with housework). I have one because my DC both have additional needs and it's been such a support. You sound lovely - sending you an un mumsnetty hug.

Yes my older children are about and of school age. There so lovely so i must be doing something right. I love babies and children and because i came from a small family i think I always wanted 3 children in my head so that the family would start to grow. I wouldn't want anymore than 3 because i think 3 fit in a regular sized car! I know that sounds silly! I have never liked abortions personally and i know if i did i think it would destroy me mentally. Because of the early problems iv had i have seen the baby on scan many times and i think that makes you bond even more i don't know if that makes sense. If id have found out just a few weeks before he left i would have been over the moon so its a really bittersweet thing to happen. I don't find being a single mum hard. Don't get me wrong sometimes i want to tear my hair out when they are fighting but i think that's normal?! Its nice to hear that you think he said those hurtful comments to cover his guilt rather than actually it being the truth. Its just hard dealing with a break up and being pregnant with all the emotions going on anyway. I think my problem is i cling to this idea of wanting the fairytale of a wedding, baby etc. I also am aware that this sort of thing can happen to married couples too so its not always the fairytale it seems. Also, a lot of dads bugger off when the child is older so there are never any guarantees x

I was in a not dissimilar position to you about a year ago OP. 2 older children from my first marriage who I had raised pretty much completely alone since my youngest was 5 months old. Then despite it being a planned baby, my stbxh turned into a bit of a monster and left in March last year. Anyway, I was unwell throughout my pregnancy and Homestart helped me out a lot and MN was amazing as I had so much online support here at all times of the day and night.

My baby is just over 5 months now and snoring next to me. It was really really tough at times but my family seems just perfect now. It was lonely and still is sometimes, but lots of people have done this before, it will be ok.

Best piece of advice I was given was to learn to ask for help, whether a shoulder to cry on or some practical help. Sending you some hugs for now

Hello, again, I couldn't read this and walk by. I've registered today just so I can respond! So first of all big hug.

None of us can lie to you that this is going to be easy. I'm not in your exact situation, but have been in something similar before. As hard as it feels now, you should thank your lucky stars that he is out of your life now, seeing he has showed his true colours. You are blessed with two children a good job and house and that's already more than most, so well done. But you are human and I know you feel low right now. Don't listen to his emotional blackmail and recognise you have choices, they are your choices to make so make them for you, not based on what he wants. Ultimately you have to ask yourself do you want this baby. It won't be easy, but sounds to me like you are more than capable of the challenge if you do decide to go ahead, you seem a strong woman. Remember you won't be here forever, life changes, and take one day at a time. Forget about your 'friends' as sometimes new situations in life happen so you are forced to make new ones and meet new people. Whatever you decide I do hope you put yourself first and not him, focus on what you have and not what you don't and hope you manage to get a good support system around you whatever that looks like. Wishing you happiness

I actually joined this site after looking into single parenthood etc and in went out on a whim with my essay long dilemmas and am overwhelmed by the response.l am thinking if i do the same with groups in my area for mummies to meet etc i might find more support and new friends. I never joined any groups with my children and in quite shy but if i find some support i should just take the plunge. I feel so reassured that the majority of responses feel he was just emotionally blackmailing me rather than speaking the truth. I was getting to the point where i was feelin guilty consider abortion yet feelng guilty for wanting the baby because of what he had said. It puts things into perspective a bit more for me. X

Hey I've not been in the same position but my advice ...

If you want this baby you bloody well have it.

I bet your kids have turned out amazing Nd you've done a great job with them.

I don't see my dad haven't since I was 2, I'm 22 and I admire my mum for bringing us up by herself (brother is 18 months younger)

I know it will be hard but if u have the support and you want the baby then you go for it.

Mr right will come along. I've been so anti men for 2 years and I can't actually believe he was sat under my nose for 4 years. Xxxx

Good luck OP and all the best. You sound very capable

I think you should like a strong woman, who is not put off by hard work, sweat and tears. Sounds like your ex is just trying to make him self feel better about the situation. His loss.

I hope you start to feel better soon. xx