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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

MIL

13 replies

Rosienana · 02/01/2014 16:27

Hello!

Having a bit of a panic. MIL is getting rather overexcited about the new arrival (due in 2 months) and I'm anxious she's going to be a tad overeager when the baby arrives. We've already told everyone that grandparents are welcome for a short visit when the baby arrives but that then we'll need some time to the 3 of us to just be a family. She seems ok with that but I can already see the conversations further down the line with her saying she doesn't see the child enough and giving us a hard time for not taking it visiting etc. Don't get me wrong, she is lovely and I get on really well with her but she does already have moments of complaining about not seeing us enough and she gets annoyed if she doesn't see DH on his birthday!

DH is fab and has made it clear to her that we are in charge and has told me that he will not put up with any moods from her. I think I'm just worried about potential arguments/ causes of stress.

What do you think? Am I being over anxious? Or being daft worrying before anything has even happened?

OP posts:

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wonderstuff · 02/01/2014 16:30

I think preemptive worrying is rarely beneficial.

Morgause · 02/01/2014 16:31

It's not unreasonable to want to see your son on his birthday, I'd say.

prettywhiteguitar · 02/01/2014 16:35

Humm adult son ?? I get you op best thing to do is not panic and just try to keep on the same page as your dh and get him to talk to her when problems arise .

greentshirt · 02/01/2014 17:05

Choose your battles and dont have any before the baby arrives. I think my MIL is going to be a nightmare but giving her the benefit of the doubt for now, dont want to burn those babysitting bridges just in case!

nyldn · 02/01/2014 17:14

I think you're justified, but It sounds like you can trust that dh has it under control.

I know my dh is absolutely dreading how overbearing my mom will be and he is not so secretly thrilled that we're here and they're in the States.

I've gotten her to agree to come over once his paternity leave is over as that's when add'l help will be most needed and will less likely be totally homebound. She wasn't thrilled but agreed it was best.

Emilycee · 02/01/2014 17:41

Oh god, this could have been written by me!

Whilst I love my PIL to bits and they are very helpful to us, this is our first baby and both me and dh are only children. MIL is very exited which absolutely she should be, but some of her comments and things that she does (pops in without warning, opens the door and calls around it, goes around the back and walks through the back if front door is locked - FIL does this more and I've been at times say in my jim jams minding my own business) makes me worry about how it will be when there is a baby in the house - I imagine she will be looking for reasons to pop her head in the door every five minutes.

I'm due in 3 months and I am stressing about it already. I know I need to chill out and not pre-empt either but I can't help it. DH tells me it would be better coming from me (ie. a conversation about boundaries, texting me/ quick phone call to let me know if they are popping in etc) but its so difficult as I don't want them to feel unwelcome, I just like my privacy and space, am very independent etc... I am worried about breastfeeding/ being in a tired jim jam state of dress and FIL walking around the back and straight into the house as he does... I will have to lock all of the doors and back gate I think.

Breagha4 · 02/01/2014 21:01

I think it's sweet your mil is so excited although I do understand your concerns. I have the other problem in that I am dreading telling my own parents because they are so negative about everything. I'm 40 and despite some past financial problems my dh and I have now landed on our feet, paid off our mortgage and our two eldest are in private education. I couldn't wait to tell my mil as I knew she'd be happy for us but as for my parents, well, I just don't think I could handle their pessimism.

If this is your first baby I do think think however in particular that you will want to feel comfortable about everything before getting everyone's advice/ help. It's such a special time to bond. Maybe if you invite her on specific days at specific times so she know when she's welcome? Good luck with everything .

Zamboni · 02/01/2014 21:11

OP I think this is quite normal to wonder about and it's great you have DH on side. I found with my own MIL that taking the initiative with her really helped, ie specific invitations extended to her when it would suit me, asking if we could come to visit her, asking for specific help. She felt included and involved which is all she really wanted and I was able to have her input as a helpful thing rather than an unexpected interference (even if kindly meant).

purrforamincepie · 02/01/2014 21:18

wonderstuff has it. There is no such thing as a worry bank, in that worrying in advance might fix or prevent some as yet unseen catastrophe.

It sounds like appropriate boundary lines have been drawn already. There may be a few minor skirmishes when the baby arrives but if you manage them, ie be calm but firm, be nice and be kind, no worries. You don't ever have to justify yourself or your wants or needs when you are considering what is best for you and your baby, you just do it, you are a lioness with a beautiful cub to protect :)

AuntieStella · 02/01/2014 21:22

Let your DH hold the line - sounds like he's doing a pretty well so far.

Try not to fret now.

And then see what it's like when the baby has actually arrived, and make it up as you go along.

redcaryellowcar · 02/01/2014 21:37

whilst i totally sympathise with your concerns, i think that as your dh is taking the lead on creating boundaries and seems to be leading the 'mil management' all will be well!

Andanotherthing123 · 02/01/2014 21:38

I worried lots before DC1 that my mum wouldn't give us space and was very clear DH and I would need family time and she needed to let that happen by not being around all the time. A few days in, I'd only seen her briefly and actually had to call her to come over as I wanted someone to rabbit onto about my lovely new baby! Having worried for months, it turned out fine and is still good 6 years later.

try not to worry - this is your baby, your family.Let you DH protect you, he sounds like he'll do a good job.

Missmidden · 02/01/2014 21:40

I naively thought that the fact my PILs lived miles away would mean I wouldn't see much of them and under-estimated the draw of a first grandchild! The worst thing was that it became clear as soon as DP phoned them after DD was born that they were going to set off that very minute to visit us in hospital! I had just had a horrific labour and felt really fragile but DP failed to put them off and they were there within hours- video camera in hand!

I have already said to DP that this time round (I'm only 12 wks) that the hospital is a total no-go zone for anyone bar him and DD, but he is so easily walked over by MIL that I have no faith that will happen. But, OP, if your DH has better control over his I would definitely advise making sure all boundaries are clear in advance.

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