Already fearing sleep deprivation!

[seashell81]

Hi, I am 20 weeks pregnant with our first child and mostly thrilled to be over the sickness of the first three months and finally enjoying pregnancy- hurray! However, I have started to become afraid of how myself and DP will cope with the sleep deprivation of life with a baby. Everyone seems to LOVE to tell us how we should be making the most of our sleep now and how difficult being new parents is. I've already made a mental note never to make these kind of comments to prospective parents once I am a mum! Neither of us are very good on lack of sleep and have had terrible arguments in the past that have been mainly due to tiredness. Basically i'm really excited about the arrival of our little one and scared that tiredness will prevent us from experiencing it/enjoying it properly. Thanks for listening!

By the time the baby comes you'll be well used to sleep deprivation

I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant and due to back ache, heartburn, restless legs and cramping I'm lucky if I get 4 hours unbroken sleep a night. I didn't even drop off to sleep until gone 3am the other night. The thought of coping with this for another 12 weeks is getting me down, I find myself having absolute breakdowns and in floods of tears because I'm just so exhausted.

But seriously, congratulations on your pregnancy and as for post birth sleep deprivation I guess we'll gave to just take it day by day and hope for the best

I'm sorry to say OP, but it was hell. I totally understand why the CIA use it as torture. I don't think I understood what people were saying until we went through it with DD. There truly is nothing to compare it to.

At 5 months DD slept 40-45 minutes and then screamed for 4-13 hours without pause. Followed by 40-45 minutes of sleep. I truly thought I was going insane. She has silent reflux so the lack of sleep was because of that.

I rode the bus for hours as she would sleep if she was moving. She was in the pram and I took a pillow. Just rode round and round.

Not the most inspiring story for you!

I think I was naive last time and didn't seem to worry about anything! And when dd came it was great she was up at 12 3 and 6 every night and I just got used to it also when you only have the one you can sleep in the day as all try do is sleep at the beginning. And then by 16 weeks she slept thought the night! She is now 2 and is still great at sleeping! I'm now 24 weed with ds and sooo worried about how ill cope because if this one wakes at 6 ill have to be up at 7 with dd for a full day! But everyone else does I so I'm sure we will be fine x

It is horrid. If you really think you will struggle to cope then get help, a maternity nurse for night or some of them or some daytime help so you can sleep whether a grandparent, nanny or whatever. Seriously don't be ashamed to buy in help if you need it.

A

Thanks for the responses. I guess it's all part of the crazy ride! It seems to depend a lot on the baby as well - I hope mine's like yours Mummabear12! ;-)

i felt the same but we hsd a great sleeper. at about 5 weeks she woukd sleep from 10.30- 6.30/7 . i am 28 weeks with my second and know that might not happen again but even before she slept through we only had one night waking for milk. Dont worry about what might not happen. if it does u will cope. our lo does not wake even if teething or has a cold. i am not bragging but it is possible :-) x

It's not always as bad as everyone makes out. We coped by going to bed ridiculously early (think 8pm!). Then our DS slept through from 11 weeks. He was never awake for hours at night (apart from the first couple of nights before my milk came in). He just woke every few hours, fed and went back to sleep again.
It's good to expect the worst though. Fingers crossed you'll be pleasantly surprised!

As your pregnancy progresses you will get less and less sleep as you wont be able to get comfortable and will need to wee at least 3 times in the night. Its actually quite nice when baby finally arrives as the sleep you get is good deep sleep, isnt interupted by weird dreams and your need for a wee significantly reduces.

You will cope, simply because you have to. Some babies sleep more than others and you may be lucky.

Make sure you keep talking with your DH, you both will be tired but if you both try to have paitience and just be ther for each other it will help significantly.

Im going to be positive about it OP it was hard but I honestly didnt mind...with your first you can stay in bed til lunch time with baby dozing while they sleep, I did this for the first few weeks at least. Then eventually they will be down to one feed in the night and you won't feel so bad. Of course there'll be nights where you get it rough but the day after just take it easy, have a pj day....that's the beauty of mat leave with your first baby.

Im on my second pregnancy and I know it wont be easy this time because I can't hang around in bed with a toddler and a newborn!!

Well, sleep deprivation can be horrendous. But you definitely do get used to functioning on less sleep (and I'm someone who really loves their sleep and even pre-baby would sometimes choose and early night over going out!). And I think for most people it's not that bad and doesn't last that long. You just get a biased view from MN, because people only tend to post if they have problems rather than if things are ok.

For instance, from an entirely un-scientific survey of the babies in my antenatal group 8 slept through from relatively early and 4 didn't. Sadly I'm in the latter camp, but I think I'm not the norm!

And whispers sleep training is a valid action once your baby's old enough.

Hope that helps.

I really worry about this too - not just being tired but being unable to stay awake. I drop off incredibly easily - I have literally fallen asleep standing up, and have had some near-misses when driving. Petrified of falling asleep when breast feeding and smothering the baby.

I'm not sure it helps to assume the worst. With DD I was at the very lucky end of the spectrum as she loved her sleep and by 2-3 weeks would happily sleep for 6+ hours a night. The majority of my friends were getting similar amounts by 3 mths or so and I do think it is a minority who have the really terrible sleepers for months or even years on end.

Also people don't tend to boast about how well their babies sleep as it tends to make you unpopular with other mothers- I think those with the worst sleepers tend to speak up the most (understandably!) so it is easy to assume all babies are like that.

You may or may not get lucky, but why not at least try and assume the best? (Says she who has serious fear that she can't possibly be as lucky this time round!)

Try not to worry as there isn't much you can do! DD slept badly for 10 months but we got through by doing shifts. DH would stay up til 1 with her whilst I got a few hours in before the next feed was due.

Whilst I was on mat leave and bfing had calmed down, I did 6 nights and DH did one at weekend.

Don't forget that when you are on mat leave the most strain you will have to put your brain under will be being polite to interfering well-meaning relatives, working out how many coffee cups you have to get out for all your new friends and being calm with your new baby when they are not sleeping and keeping you from sleeping. I found I didn't need so much sleep for that as I would have done for work.

Good luck! It's an exciting time so don't worry too much.

I bed shared and breast fed. When my baby woke I gave him a boob, and we dozed off together. I did what people call the 4th trimester where you spend lots of time snuggled up skin to skin with the baby (amongst other things) so also rested lots in the day. I wasn't sleep deprived at all. My son is over a year now, he doesn't always 'sleep through', it's not something I focus on. He's in a cot next to the bed, so he just gets in next to me, has a feed and we doze off again. Makes it very easy. I'm still not sleep deprived.

Of course all babies are different, and we all take different approaches, but wanted to add a different perspective as IME sleep deprivation isn't a given. And I find you don't hear that story often as when lots of people are sharing stories of hardship it's quite difficult and often not appropriate to give an alternative.

Op. Dc1 Is 24. I'm about to have dc6. The longest I've ever experienced sleepless nights was 4 months with dc4.

Honestly until i joined MN I only met one person who parented as it appears the majority do on MN. 4 month sleep regression? I've never experienced or even heard of it in 24 years!!

It really doesn't need to be as bad as some people make out on MN!

We've invested in a cocoonababy. Obviously nobody can guarantee it works for every child, but I've yet to see a negative review.

They are pricey, but second hand ones sell really well on eBay. I bought mine from a jojoMB with a discount code.

Personally I'm happy to try anything that might encourage our new baby to sleep as DH is also a bear when tired

I'm 35 weeks for the last 2-3 weeks iv been awake for 2 days and getting a good sleep on the third!!!!

Midwife said nothing they can do it's insomnia grrrr!!! Roll on when baby gets here I'll be able to sleep when it sleeps xxx

All the people with the scare stories came out the other side unscathed (I bet some have even had a second child), the ones staying quiet so as not to sound smug didn't even have it that bad. If you and DH squabble, you will find yourselves simply saying "look what monsters we are when tired" and kind of joking about it as you are in it together, not against each other. In six months you will simply be proud of yourself, having found out you are more of a coper than you thought you could be. Congratulations, and good luck!

I had the same concerns as you, but I honestly haven't found it that bad. DS was a big feeder (at least 4 times during night, plus using me as a human dummy) but I coped by co-sleeping and felt pretty well rested. DD - now 4 months - wakes at least once or twice, plus I have DS to look after. Some days I feel really tired, others completely normal, but never so tired that I can't manage it. Lots of coffee and meeting up with other mums helps...to be honest I look back at when I had DS and wonder what I did with my time! First baby - you can sleep in, nap when they nap, watch tv while they feed..plus when you're not at work you really don't need to be as alert or use your brain in the same way.
I remember those first months as a happy time, despite the lack of sleep. You will look at your baby and be so in love with him/her, you won't care half as much as you think about sleep deprivation. And, it gets easier, and it passes so quickly. It helped me to sort of mentally 'surrender' myself to it.
Good luck - and congrats!

The first couple of months are hard, I wont lie to you. I had twins and have never experienced sleep deprivation like it and hopefully never will again

When pregnant I was getting up every 45 minutes/1 hour to go to the loo. One baby was on my bladder and one was smooshed under my ribs. I was continuously exhausted but it was nothing like after they were born.

There was no sleeping until noon or this sleeping when the baby sleeps that everyone talks about. While they slept in the day I had to make make bottles and do mountains of washing. There was no one else to do these things, DH was at work. My worst night was just 45 minutes sleep the entire night. At least yours wont be double the lack of sleep

On a positive note though once the initial awful stage passed it got much better. One slept 11pm-7am from 11 weeks and the other from 14 weeks. They are fantastic sleepers now.

Good luck.

Thanks everyone who has responded to my post so far, i've been amazed at the number of responses - plenty to say on this subject eh?! :-) Thanks for sharing your experiences, too many to name anyone individually but some have been really reassuring and given me a realistic idea what to expect. It's just good to get a conversation going in a way and not be alone with my fears. This has been my first time posting on MN and its lovely to find there are so many wise and caring women out there. Thanks again xx

I'd echo all of the above. I'd also suggest you talk to DP now about 'competitive tiredness'. It's where you compare how tired you are compared the the other, and get resentful. Promise each other you'll work as a team and help each other, not get into 'competitive tiredness'.

Every baby is different and you just cannot know what sort you will get at all. So many people put successful sleepers down to their "technique" only to find with their next baby that it was not their "technique" at all, they were just lucky! Similarly people with bad sleepers think they are a failure as a parent but then with their next baby they sleep absolutely fine, and they've done nothing different.

I can hardly sleep at all in the last few months due to SPD and I can honestly say that I sleep so much better once the baby is here. The hours may be fewer, but the quality is much higher. So I actually feel less tired. That's just my personal story though, everyone is different!

Hi OP, what a fantastic idea of a post, I totally understand where your coming from and I have been there. Ill admit it was bad but the main reason was that I couldn't produce enough milk and ds was a big baby and needed far more and needed contact boob contact making life hell. He NEVER slept. I also wanted to do things by the book ie breast feeding, no dummy, total control. This resulted in PND and its taken me 7 years to do it again. (good old ticking clock kicked in)

Second time around I will be doing things very differently. My advise would be to do what YOU think is best, and do what gets you all through. There has been some fab advice on here which I have taken on, one being the cocoonababy (im sooo getting one) and no doing the tiredness contest we did that first time round and it simmered until resentment forms and you argue, so Ill be taking that on board!

I strongly recommend the fisher price baby swing, this was the ONLY way to get ds to sleep we were so desperate we gladly paid the ticket price! I will be getting another so ill be watching out for sales!