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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Desperate and pregnant

18 replies

Hayley1975 · 01/01/2014 19:16

Hi all and Happy New Year!

I am 19 weeks with #2 and I have gone right off sex. I know this is frustrating DH but I can't even let him touch me, we have even been sleeping in separate beds for the last 3 months. Since DD was born 4 years ago we have only done it half a dozen times. Is there something wrong with me? Is this a sign that my marriage is be in trouble? I would appreciate any help because this is really bugging me.

Thanks.

OP posts:

mumtoacub · 01/01/2014 19:26

hi I can understand a bit, sometimes I feel like I really want to but cant really be bothered during it, kinda wishing it to end. we are not quite in the same situation but I never instigate sex now and there are some things I cant bear (think it may be linked to breastfeeding) I am hoping things will return to normal over time, I just don't feel like the person I used to be anymore, we have zero social life, I don't spend any money on myself either, and I don't think that helps. fx things improve over time.

MysticalCat · 01/01/2014 19:27

Hi Hayley, sorry to hear you are worrying so much. I don't think that's unusual at all. My DH was on a sex ban for my entire 9 months! Part of it was due to having recurrent MC's so I was a nervous wreck to let anything near my cervix for fear of bleeding, but to be honest, it suited me fine because I had no inclination for sex at all. We did do other things if you know what I mean, you don't have to have full blown sex. I really only did that because I felt so sorry for DH, I didn't actually want it at all.

Since my daughter was born I have found it a huge change to go from being a wife to being a Mum....I know you don't stop being a wife, but my daughter is now the centre of my universe rather than me or DH, and it has been difficult to adjust, surprisingly so. Its hard to snap out of being Mum.

It might be good to let your DH know how you feel so he isn't feeling isolated. Only you know if your marriage doesn't feel right, but I wouldn't instantly think that is the problem. Some couples have a lower sex drive than others. All sorts of things can get in the way, not just being a Mum but also money worries, jobs etc etc.

I've rambled a bit but hope it helps. Congrats on the pregnancy....you did well to fall pregnant if you really only have done it half a dozen times in four years.....thats a massive congrats!

Original poster

Hayley1975 · 01/01/2014 19:35

Thank you for your replies, you have both made me feel so much better.

I think the problem is I have a very low sex drive and DH is the opposite.

MysticalCat any chance you can private message me some of the other things you did? Perhaps that will be of some help to us.

OP posts:

weebigmamma · 01/01/2014 19:37

We've had sex once during this pregnancy and I gather it's normal enough to go right off it (apart from that I am just uncomfortable all the time). I'd agree with Mystical cat- if it's not a problem for you both then it's not a problem- don't compare yourself to other people. Normally, I personally could live with very little sex- my husband less so- and so we have more than I care for and less than he'd like and we're both pretty happy with that. We did have marriage problems at one point and although it did affect the sex ( we didn't do it for a year) it wasn't the sex that made the problems happen. Counselling really really helped and things are much better now. Would recommend Relate to anyone who needs a bit of help. relationships are very hard sometimes and having kids is one of the biggest stressors. xx

Original poster

Hayley1975 · 01/01/2014 19:39

The problem is he wants it because I know he has a high sex drive and I don't want him to even touch me.

OP posts:

weebigmamma · 01/01/2014 19:40

Also- have you tried things like erotic stories or porn to get you in a mood? I found it really useful for a while! Now it's like I never feel like initiating sex but when we do it I make the most of it and it's good. I have learnt ways to help myself 'let go' a bit- mostly using fantasy and ditching any guilty hang ups about it. Everyone is different but that helped me.

weebigmamma · 01/01/2014 19:40

I can understand not wanting to while pregnant- it takes such a toll on the body. Is he understanding about it?

EdithWeston · 01/01/2014 19:41

What has been going on in the 3 or so years between recovering from birth of DD and starting the we pg?

And why is that not ok now you are pg?

Hubbythecatandme · 01/01/2014 19:42

Hayley, I went through a stage (which lasted maybe a couple of years) where for some reason I really, really wasn't interested in sex with my hubby. It had become a huge taboo, hubby was starting to talk about going to counselling as he was feeling hurt that I didn't want him.
And then one day my libido came back and gradually we got more and more fun. I have no idea why and how we got things back to normal but we now have a fun, healthy sex life with me often initiating!
We aren't machines, sometimes these things can happen, it doesn't mean you are "abnormal", you are simply human xx

weebigmamma · 01/01/2014 19:43

Relate have an email service which is brilliant by the way. It's been years since I used it but it used to be £25 to email them and get a reply and I found their advice really very helpful. If you can't get to see a counsellor as a couple it might be helpful to talk to someone professional online.

weebigmamma · 01/01/2014 19:45

Agreed with Hubby- things do fluctuate and fun is a big thing for us too. Stress is the major killer I think, but who can blame pregnant women for being stressed out? try to be kind to yourself x

Original poster

Hayley1975 · 01/01/2014 19:45

I have always had a very low sex drive and it would not bother me if I never had sex again. We have only done it half a dozen times in 4 years because he has instigated it, I have always laid back and thought of England while he does the deed but it really does not do anything for me.

OP posts:

Mary1972 · 01/01/2014 20:16

Everyone is different. I would say a norm except when ill or with a new baby is sex about once a week, any less and most people don't think that's enough and plenty aim for 3 times even with children. Some people will leave a marriage if they don't get sex as it's fundamental so it does matter if people's drives differ.

Plateofcrumbs · 02/01/2014 00:19

mary1972 - like you say everyone is different so I don't think it's helpful to talk about "norms". What matters is that both people are happy - both with what they're doing at how much they're doing it.

It's not about counting up the number of times you're having sex to get some kind of seal of approval.

OP - I think contacting Relate could be really helpful for you as others have already suggested.

NorthernLebkuchen · 02/01/2014 00:26

You were fortunate to conceive with so in frequent a sex life. Were you trying to conceive?

Writerwannabe83 · 02/01/2014 07:28

Hi Hayley, me and my husband don't have an active sex life either. It used to be a problem at the start of our relationship but now we have just accepted it for what it is. We have only had sex 3 times in the last 15 months and they was only because we were purposefully TTC. We were very lucky to get pregnant on our first cycle of trying as it would have felt very alien to us if we'd had to be having regular sex for months on end. Just because sex isn't regular doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble but it is important you both communicate how you feel and are honest with each other about your thoughts/opinions on your sex life. There is nothing 'wrong' with you, we aren't programmed it innately want sex all the time.

Surprisethird · 02/01/2014 08:33

Hi, I have not read all the replays, so I may be repeating, so I apologise in advance. I think the key thing that you have said is that it does nothing for you, and that why there is no urge to instigate or do it. I would opening discuss it with your husband how you feel and be 100% honest on how you feel as that can help. He can then put his side across too. It's maybe the worse time to do much about it while you are pregnant, but may be in the future , you might be able to see a sex councillor. Sex is a very important part of your relationship, and this could cause you problems in the future.

I have been with my partner for 16 years and the a lance has swapped during that 16 years, and I had a low spell for about 2 years, where I felt the same as you, but it tired back around again, it is very hard to be a mum all day and be running after your children , en get to bed and there is anther job to do! And that's hope I felt at the time, that sex was just another job on my long list of jobs to complete, but once I stopped thinking of it like that, and actually it was a feeling that I needed or wanted, I relaxed back into it and looked forward to those moments we got alone to have a bit of us time.

I am sorry if this has been no help, but I hope it has a little

RaRa1988 · 02/01/2014 10:36

You asked if it was indicative of a problem with your marriage. I think relationships are always going to work better if you have equal sex drives, I think having unequal sex drives only becomes a problem if you can't/won't compromise and one or both partners ends up feeling unloved or unwanted. If you genuinely never want to have sex again and your partner, for sake of argument, wants it three times a week, could you reconcile that to a happy medium that works for both of you? I'm not sure you could if you really don't want sex. Incidentally, do you think it's sex itself that is the problem (ie have you never really got anything from it) or is it sex specifically with him? I think they're too very different issues. Have you tried oral or manual stimulation/massages/just cuddling and kissing and seeing where it goes? You don't have to answer that on here!

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