Babies...now or never? please help me.

[rambini]

Ok I don't really know where to start with this. Basically I have been with my husband for just over 6 years and we got married in October this year. I have always known I want children some day, in the future, but have never felt like I want them right then, if that makes sense? Anyway, I have a few reproductive based health problems like recurrent ovarian cysts and suspected endometeriosis. Furthermore, my mother and grandmother both went through menopause really early (ages 28/29). As a result of all this I had a chat with my dr 18 months ago who said if I wanted to be sure of having children I really ought to be doing something about it and her advice would be to do it within 12 months. That 12 months ran out in Aug 2013 because I still didn't feel ready (and wanted to be married 1st). So now I am married but still don't feel ready. However I am fast approaching 26 and I am terrified that if I wait I will miss the chance altogether which would be absolutely devestating. I definately want children but just not yet but I know that might be tough luck! My dr saod there is no way of knowing what will happen. I could go through menopause tomorrow or I could be fine til I am 35 she can't tell me. I guess my brain is still thinking the 'it won't happen to me' mentality. Sorry for the length of this but desperate for some advice. We don't own our own house but are saving for one. We both work and earn okay money. What should we do?

Can you freeze your eggs?

In my experience, if you wait until you both think you're ready, financially, emotionally, physically, careers, homes and lives all in place etc... it could never happen!

In your shoes, knowing what you do about the problems you may face and knowing that you definitely DO want children, my advice would be to go for it. You are young enough that you can still get your life back on track later with regard to work, money, home etc. That stuff is easy enough to catch up on once your DCs are at school.

You need to think, would you be devastated if you didn't end up where you want to be financially in 10 years, or if your career is not exactly what you dreamed of due to taking a break to be at home with children. Compare that to how you would feel if you are unable to have your own children. Think about adoption, surrogacy etc and whether those would be an option.

Is your relationship strong enough to survive the stress of children or indeed the stress of infertility? There are so many variables, nobody can tell you what to do, but you only get one life, so to me it seems daft to wait and possibly miss out on something which is very important to you. Child bearing is one thing that won't wait until you are ready.

In an ideal world I would definitely wait to have children in my 30s. I love my selfish child -free life! However, I know I do want children at whatever cost. I'm not willing to take the risk that my fertility won't decline in my 30s. So the compromise is having children sooner while my fertility is still ok. Now I'm pregnant I'm thrilled. A child free life is not an option for me. Is it for you?

Do you want more than one? If so it could be even more pressing.
If you took a pregnancy test today and got a positive how would you feel?

I think go for it Hun u don't want to leave it and regret it, like you I've been with my hubby for 10 years and I'm 27 we waited until we had a mortgage did the holidays every thing and then make sure money wasn't a problem, so went for it this August and found out I was pregnant, only to find out my hubby got made redundant from work in October. But were are plodding along hoping he will find work soon. My point being you can hold off and off and things always crop up.

Tbh I'm 27 and only just started feeling ready and still now am scared. But I wish I'd had a baby maybe 3 years ago and be on to my second now.

You only get one life wish you all the luck in the world

i had a similar dilemma.. Hitting 30 next year and just got married... To baby or not? I let nature decide... Got the shock of my life with a honeymoon baby, but i have 9 months of adjusting to do.
Half way through and im getting my head round it and looking forward to baby.
Youl never be ready...

I have had similar issues with ovarian cysts,had a pre-cancerous cyst removed in 2011 and as a result had to loose the ovary as well. My husband (as he is now) and I knew we wanted kids but wanted to get married first and got married just over a year after my surgery before starting t2c straight away. However for us it took time, about 8months, and in the middle of that a routine ultrasound showed my remaining ovary may be developing another cyst. We were devestated (as I say,my situation was different to you in that we knew we wanted kids sooner rather than later)

Our immediate reaction was to start looking into having my eggs frozen,both privately and on the NHS. The cost for us going private was a major issue but my surgeon was incredibly sympathetic given my age and circumstances (was 26 at the time the cyst and ovary was removed, 27 when the possible second cyst was detected) and was making our case to the relevant departments in the local NHS for us to have it done through them. We are so lucky we had a happy ending, I was actually in the very very early stages of pregnancy when that 'possible cyst' was found and I'm not convinced that they weren't seeing that rather than a cyst on the ultrasound,now due in one week.

Given that you have no way of knowing what's going to happen I would make enquiries about having your eggs frozen, do you have a specialist like a gynaecologist you see or is it just your gp? I would imagine they will be the best person to speak to about your options in that regard. Having them frozen doesn't mean you need to use them if your feelings change but if you and your partner decide you do want kids and discover its too late you will be devestated,of course it's no guarantee but its an option if the worst happens. And remember there are other options like adoption and surrogacy,we were in the process of researching them all when I found out I was pregnant.

No idea if that will help you OP but hope it does and everything works out for you.

Oh god, do it do it, do it. Hurry up!

I waited until I was 30 but I didn't have any fertility issues. I didn't want children and it was only my 30th birthday looming that made me consider it at all. I fell PG first go - shit myself!

Wasn't what you would call thrilled. We had an excellent child free life. I found other peoples children boring and annoying.

Nothing could have prepared me for how much I was going to love it. What I didn't prepare myself for was the fact I wanted more. I had my third just before I turned 36 and had nothing but health issues then nearly bled to death having him. Apparently the older you get and the more children you have the more at risk you are of bleeding. I had to have a blood transfusion and Im lucky to be alive.

I wish I could have a forth but it's too risky with my past and the fact im 37.

Don't think about the one baby you have to fit in. Think about the fact YOU WILL WANT A CHOICE ABOUT HOW MANY. You can desperately want a second or third child as much as someone who wants a first.

I know someone who has one child and is still putting herself through IVF and a lot of heartache at 47.

You will never regret your baby you will regret waiting too long if it becomes too late - more than you can imagine now.

For the record, I still find other peoples children boring and annoying !

I would ask for a referral to a fertility specialist to check there really is no way of predicting when you might hit menopause. I had fertility investigations and hormones such as FSH and AMH are used as an indication of ovarian reserve (I.e an estimate of eggs left) as part of a standard set of tests. If the results came back as particularly poor for your age I understand that would mean you are closer to the menopause than if they were normal.

I've been waiting and waiting to feel 'ready'. Am now 36 and I still don't feel ready. Reaction to discovering I was pregnant (despite the fact we had been TTC) was panic.

Discovered at my scan I have quite bad ovarian cysts and am now terrified that they will impact my chances of getting pregnant again. Realise we may have been quite lucky to get this far.

I also say go for it.

id say do it you dont want to end up regretting being child-less i have 3 children im 26 and i actually hated my child-less life and tbh im concerned at my age that in 4 or 5 years time i might no longer be fertile

Having just spent three years struggling to get pregnant and stay that way (now 30 weeks after lots of treatment), I'd say crack on with it. As others have said, given you do want kids anyway, you won't regret having a baby. If you put it off three years and then find you can't, you will regret not just going for it.

I think it's worth you having a consultation with a specialist. Given your history you should be able to get an NHS referral; if not, a private consultation will set you back a few hundred pounds. You can get a fairly basic fertility MOT which will give an indication of your ovarian reserve...basically your ovarian 'age'. Sorry if this is a bit blunt but given your family history you are at a higher than average risk of premature ovarian failure so it's worth talking to someone about it ASAP. Egg freezing is an option but success rates but it's not a guarantee. At the very least, you need all the info to make an informed decision about what to do.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Definitely try for a baby now or you may spend you life regretting it. You will not however spend your life regretting that you didn't buy a house or delayed buying a house.
There is no perfect time to have a baby ( however you seem fairly sorted) but as you know there is a definite cut off point where you can no longer have one.

Due to various health issues I also didn't know what to do, and on advice from docs was warned we could find it difficult due to issues in both my partner and I, and thought it may take an average of a couple of years.

Not only did we get pregnant straight away but based on dates we got pregnant first time (OH now thinks he has super sperm)

I'm not guna lie, Iv just turned 27 2 weeks ago and wasn't sure I was ready. I panicked, cried and didn't bond with Bean at all until about 20weeks.

24w and couldn't be happier, I'm glad we didn't wait any longer as we want 2 in the end and we still don't know what the future holds for me.

If you're starting to think you should be trying, it means now is the time. There is never going to be a perfect time!

Good luck xxxx

Do it!!!!
I was the same, couldn't imagine having children, but I couldn't imagine being retired and not having grown up children. My family also has a history of early menopause.

As people have said - there is no perfect time, but you will adjust to and accommodate a baby into your circumstances (which don't sound too bad anyway).

I really believe that you regret the things you don't do, and also that no one regrets having a baby.

bikerunski - that was it for us too - imagining ourselves at 60 or 70 without a family, and realising that if we didn't want that to be us we'd have to do something about it.

Go for it. You wont ever feel ready. It may take a while to get pregnant anyway.

Im 34 and 6 months pregnant and still have 2am moments of panic and thinking what the hell am I doing.

I have managed to tick a lot of boxes in terms of amazing holidays, very nice cars, and basically enjoying life, which for me was a big plus. I wanted to get that out of my system I guess.

I was afraid of the unknown, and in retrospect, wish I had started trying sooner. Once I fell pregnant and saw her on the ultrasound I knew I had done the right thing.

I am turning 30 in a week and 25 weeks pregnant now. I still can't say that I am ready for the baby. I didn't even see a baby in my life back to this time last year. Though I doubted about our choice every now and then, I felt grateful when I saw my baby boy sucking his thumb on the ultrasound (didn't even know babies can do that in there). If I were you, I would make a decision that I know I wouldn't regret when I look back after a few years in the worst case scenario.

Do it! Time isn't on your side and you've already said you do want kids and don't want to be devastated if you can't.

You both work, earn ok money and are in a committed relationship. What's not a good time about that?

I was a bit scared about starting a family. I remember when i just got engaged and going to my grandma's funeral - being surrounded by the extended family made me realise that having my own when I was older was absolutely what I wanted. But to get there I actually had to have kids! I remind myself of this when I think 'argh, what have we done conceiving a second child??'. Things might be tight for a few years but we'll manage and it will be worth it.

You have one life. You can't predict what will happen tomorrow or whenever. But don't put things off if you're sure it's what you want, and you have good reasons not to. You'll be ready when the baby arrives and you'll manage, honest.

Look at this way - you'll have the same number of years in your life whether you have kids now or later unless the stress of parenthood drives you to an early grave. You'll have the same number of years free of childcare responsibilities. But if you have kids earlier you'll be able to enjoy all those kid-free activities you enjoy now (holidays, nights out etc) as well as watching your grown-up kids build their own lives. Win-win surely?

We have friends roughly the same age as us who had kids very early who are now watching their children fly the nest at the same time we are starting a family. They're planning luxury holidays and nights out drinking cocktails whilst we fret about not getting that chance again 'til we're pushing retirement!

I never felt ready but when the time comes it feels and comes to one so natural.