What will your parenting rules/style be?

[moomin35]

After an exhausting day around family members children over xmas(!!) it got me thinking that, as a first time Mum, what my parenting rules and style may/will be. What do you all plan to do with yours? For instance, I find that children take centre stage too much and arent disciplined enough but at the same time I dont think I want to smack mine so how do you enforce good behaviour?

I don't think that people expecting their first children should have too rigid an idea of how they intend to parent/how their children will behave - there's an excellent chance it'll bite you on the bum at a later point! :)

Be open minded to change, go with whatever works at the time but if you do decide on some certain rules that are non-negotiable be firm.

Its a giant learning curve and what you think now (whilst pregnant) may change massively once DC is actually here and running about as a very active toddler and you are too exhausted in late pregnancy with DC2 to really care what they eat over christmas or how much tv they watch so long as they are quiet

I find that children take centre stage too much and arent disciplined enough

I find that too. But only ever about other people's children

You wait until you have your own PFB.

I think we will be fairly strict tbh, my sister parents how I would like to, she lets them have fun but they know not to go too far!

In my DH's family there is a definite theme of 'indulgent' parenting, where the kids do whatever they want and the parents smile on ignoring it. I really hope we can avoid being like that!

pre kids i found it very easy to criticise other peoples parenting; letting children eat nutella whilst watching tv constantly, letting them grab at food and hoard it whilst adults went without, (supremely intelligent lol) 4 year olds not toilet trained.

now im 35 weeks pregnant, working in a demanding job, have a toddler, and my opinion hasnt changed of these lazy f***s!

I don't think it's something you can decide on until you meet your child. They have their own personalities and what works for one child won't for another. For example I have a very sensitive little boy so raising my voice to him is counterproductive as it would frighten him, other children wouldn't bat an eyelid at a raised voice. Imo it's all about modelling the type of behaviour you expect of your dc, so if you have good manners, are polite etc then it's quite likely your dc will be too.

It's very easy to think what you will do, then they come along and it all changes!

This thread made me laugh because I had so many ideas about what kind of parent I would be and I couldn't have been further off the mark if I'd tried. Also at different ages and stages you parent differently anyway. My eldest is only 4 and yet the way I parent has changed so much in 4 years, I can only imagine have much it'll all change again when their teenagers!

With me being so naive I hadn't even contemplated that babies are born with their own little personality and preferences. Even as newborns our boys were so different and had their own ideas about what they like. So you can decide what your going to be like but have no control over what personality your child will have :D

I absolutely agree with what everyone else has said.

It also depends on what you mean as "not disciplined enough" because trust me as a parent you very quickly learn to pick your battles with your children. When they are young they live in the moment but learn quickly that a tantrum is the last thing you want in company - this is often the route they take with little care to what will happen when they get home. This is probably why you see parents pacifying children rather than disciplining them when out in public.

One of mine was a real drama queen when she was young and loved to try a paddy in the supermarket. I could always tell the parents from other shoppers by their sympathetic gazes

I had all kind of ideas. Now 16 mo in I'm glad I didn't verbalise them to anyone.

Dd watches Cbeebies
She has had most foods including a macs chips and take out pizza.
She sleeps with us.
She is completely in charge of the house. Dp and I are just her staff.

I do say please and thank you to her when passing her things to encourage manners and I intend on never smacking although I have swore into the sink on occasion.

She's alive and doing well and I'm still relatively sane and now pg with dc2 so I'm taking that as a win

17 years in, I'd advise just going with the flow. I made lots of rules and directives in the early days, and quite often ended up looking like a prat!
Go easy on yourself and just do what feels right at the time.

I also thought I would be quite strict, but actually you have to pick your battles, otherwise you spend your entire life being negative and having no fun whatsoever.

My only rules are 'pick your battles' and 'this is only a problem if I think it is a problem for my family'.

The second is the golden rule and I live by it. If you try to live by a book or Internet site telling you a child shouldn't do this and that you'll go mad.

Can I just say ideas and plans are lovely I had lots of them while pregnant, I had very strong options on co-sleeping and so did my dh. I was also very sure I didn't want a clingy baby. My dd will not sleep in her cot her moses basket or her crib! She is alseep next to me in our bed holding my hand this is the way she has slept since the day she was born. She also refuses to be put down whether it be on her play mat in her boucer or on her sheepskin and dont even get me started on how she feels about her pushchair.
In the 8 weeks since she was born I have comprised on what I wanted to do as a parent and done what makes my dd happy im sure I will do this alot more In the coming months and years.

Try and keep an open it will make life a lot easier!

Lol I think we all have plans on how we will do things but each child is so different.
I like to be firm but fair, don't sweat the small stuff,puck yer battles but don't but more importantly just go with the flow.
Dd is 18 and has turned out to be a fantastic young adult despite TV and chocolate .
Ds is spitited( he has autism) probably get away with too much but he too is an amazing young lad.
And unborn baby girl is probably going to be spoilt( by older sister), but

She too will have boundaries and concequences.
Time goes so quick we just have to enjoy, adapt and do our best

I'm another FTM and just hoping to survive. Having witnessed friends and family starting out with the best intentions regarding child-rearing but then crumbling in the face of long-term exhaustion and frustration I'm not sure you can do much more than hope to get through each day with your sanity intact and no physical harm done to your child

I didn't even consider my parenting style but I hadn't expected to be as 'child centred' or 'attachment' as I am.

We cosleep and bf on demand, baby led weaned, still 1 bf at 15mo, let DD self wean off bfing etc. I totally expected that I'd be a bit more parent led (or something) but it's just come naturally this way.

As DD gets older and started mini tantrums etc it has made me have to think properly about a consistent approach from both DH and I.

I'm what modern society term as an attachment parent. Co sleeping breastfeeding and baby wearing etc but that's more about the methods to help me parent.

I believe in child led which doesn't mean the child isn't disciplined.

Its authorative parenting not authoration parenting. We provide boundaries.

I'm having baby 3 shortly... probably another one who smiled wryly at your post!

The challenges are never what you think. I was a behavioural therapist before dc and I do use some of this knowledge, as I do my knowledge of child development as a speech therapist.

Yet I am shockingly poor at being consistent around sleeping. Have finally cracked it with ds2 at 18 months, finalky adhering properly to a routine and it's working for him. Still no idea how I'll manage with three 4 and under but I guess my minimal 4 years of experience has taught me it will unfold as it unfolds.

You just don't get pre-dc the extent to which your child's cries affect you on an emotional level or what debris there is from your own childhood that you may unconsciously react to. I find it tough emotionally when ds1 (4) gets overwrought and digs himself into a behavioural hole by being stubborn and resisting all adult attempts to help him out/give him an opt out because I was just the same and I can see himself working himself into a state and I just want to stop it.
If he had been a client I would come at it from head and ot heart and just let him ride out the tantrum with nary a second thought.

I don't believe in parenting styles because it's a bit like having a 'style' of being human, as though you can choose your personality or easily adapt it depending pn what books you've been reading this week. It is one of the most huge of human endeavours and you have no idea of what it will really ask of you until you get there.

If think one of the most important things, which I don't do nearly enough, is to praise good behaviour (e.g. If the child is playing nicely, or sitting contentedly). This means child doesn't have to misbehave to get attention (as any attention, even being give a row, is better than no attention)

Also, don't male threats that you don't carry out e.g. If you do that again we are going home (then he/she does it again and you just repeat the threat). They very quickly learn that these are empty threats.

TotalLy agree with picking battles.....to fight them all would be futile and exhausting.

Theoretically, we can all be amazing parents, in real life however it is very, vey hard to be amazing all the time. You will always find yourself breaking your own rules!

I don't believe in parenting styles because it's a bit like having a 'style' of being human, as though you can choose your personality or easily adapt it depending pn what books you've been reading this week. It is one of the most huge of human endeavours and you have no idea of what it will really ask of you until you get there.

I really agree with this. Nobody decides to be a certain style of friend or labels the sort of partner/daughter/colleague they are, we just let these relationships develop and act in the way that seems appropriate.

Absolutely no tv in their bedroom.

Screen time (laptop, computers, iPad) will be downstairs in company and for a limited time only.

Early to bed

May I ask how old your children are?

Pre DD I had lots of ideas. After DD I just aim to survive each day