I am tired and sore and achey. Yup I know it comes with the territory (33 weeks pg), but it is still rubbish. I can't find a comfortable position to sleep in anymore and my hips ache all day.
I am worn out from looking after DS and working p/t in a job I hate. I cannot count a single colleague as a friend and I'm totally alone there. I am too worn out to see any of my actual friends. Evenings are spent lying on the sofa, weekends looking after DS. DH would/does look after him, but generally I collapse into bed rather than making it out the door to see anyone or do anything. My life has shrunk down to caring for DS and working. How did that happen?
On that subject, not only are DS and work the only things in my life, but I am making a bad job of both of them. When I'm with DS I just want to lie on the sofa and let him play around me but he needs interaction and attention. I love the field I work in and used to be passionate and creative. This new job has sucked the soul from my career. If I try to apply for jobs after the new baby arrives, this post will be a large question mark on my CV. I actually suspect I am not capable of carrying out my job whilst being a mum - my focus is split and I just can't do either well.
I am becoming increasingly scared about having the new baby. DS is only 13mo and I can barely cope with caring for just him. How will I manage with 2? I frequently end up in tears with DS and he is a good baby. It will be stressful for both poor babies. I can't even fathom what life will be like for us. I feel like I've just "gotten away" with DS's first year, ie I've managed to make it appear like I'm coping. It will all fall apart now.
I think DH and I are drifting apart. I tried to speak about this with him tonight and I stupidly made it sound like I'm just upset with him because I don't really get a break. I would like a day off just doing nothing, but that isn't really the issue. I feel like we've stopped talking about anything meaningful apart from DS. We don't do anything together apart from look after DS and discuss/do household chores. At the weekends he has a hobby and then we generally split the rest of the time between seeing either my parents or his. We are both close to our own parents and I guess wouldn't want to give this up, I am starting to think DS won't see our little family as separate from his grandparents.
I wonder if I have ruined my life. I have worked hard, been diligent and conscientious since I was a teenager to do a job I care about that I now struggle to see myself doing well as I have children. Other people manage this job fine with kids, but I'm not. I thought I would be a good mum and raising my children would be a happy time in my life, but I am too tired and feel lazy and it stresses me out wondering how I am failing my wonderful DS. And soon that worry will be doubled. I am terrified of making a bad job of being a mum. But I have spent a large part of DS's life pg, feeling sick and tired. It wasn't the plan but I know how great he is and could never wish away his brother or sister as I know they will be equally wonderful. I'm just sorry for them both. And my career is ruined too. I will have nothing left of my own to go back to once my children are older. This sounds very selfish, but I worked so hard for it.
I have tried to express all these worries to DMum and it seems she doesn't really want to engage. I think sometimes she reacts like that when she thinks I'm just having a pity party, which I am really. I do remember similar feelings to this when I was pg with DS and did consider whether I had antenatal depression. Or maybe I'm just a worrier and I'm over analysing and being a drama queen. I am miserable though. And scared.
Well done if you got through that. It feels a little better just writing it down.