Anybody not sure if they want their partner to be present at the birth?

[redcarrot1]

Just curious...I'm quite a discrete/private person and as I get closer to my baby's due date I find I'm having all sorts of ideas about whether I actually want my partner to be there. I think its going to be an incredibly emotional moment and I particularly don't want my partner divulging to others how it went etc post-birth. It was the 70s, but my Mum had each of her children alone (NHS staff obviously present).

Anybody else felt like this? Or am I going pregnancy crackers?

Assuming it's his baby, I think it would be incredibly selfish to not allow him to be involved.

When my mum was giving birth (late 90s), a woman in the next bed along on the labour ward was having the screaming abdabs because they were all talking about what they were nervous about, and one of the main things was pooing during labour. The woman looked horrified and accosted the midwife when she came in, demanding to be told it wasn't true and if so, there was no way her husband could be present at the birth because - and I quote - "He's never seen me naked before - he's never even seen me in the bath!"

Everyone was wondering how the hell she got pregnant.

I do agree with Angelina - if it's his baby, I think it's selfish not to allow him to be there. Obviously it's your choice, but I think your partner would be incredibly hurt, unless he has no desire to attend.

I think you need to have a word with your DP along the lines of "What happens in the delivery room, stays in the delivery room". Is your DP a bit of a gossip generally? My friend has possibly the most indiscreet DH known to man and even he remained tight lipped because he understood what a vunerable position his wife was in. Threaten him if needs be to ensure he understands that birth is not a topic for idle discussion.

I am very private. I suppose you could say I'm quite shy about my body. BUT my DH is the person I trust most in the world and I know he will be a fantastic spokesman for me if I can't speak for myself and he would make the right decisions on my behalf if the need arose.

I had to have an internal scan at 32 weeks due to early labour and he said he wanted to stay in the room but would leave if I really wanted him to. But seeing the concern on his face made me realise I would feel better if he was there - even though I was mortified at having my crotch out and it being widely discussed.

We have an agreement that he stays up at my head when pushing time comes, I am more comfortable with that. It's funny, I'm not bothered by medical professionals having a look, but I would be shy about my DH seeing stuff like that, perhaps that makes me a little odd .

But really, it's what makes you most comfortable. You can always send him out when you're having internals etc.

Hi, thanks Solitude, you seem to have understood perfectly what I'm going on about. I have spelt all this out to my DP but he sometimes lacks judgment which is what I'm worried about. He also comes from a family of people who like to take the piss out of others...and of course, I feel very serious about all this as I'm the one going through it!

I can understand actually. Much as I love my husband, for some things especially involving a lot of pain and stress, I find it easier to be on my own and not have to think about somebody else and their perceptions/concerns etc.

It's worth considering that a woman who does not feel comfortable in labour is likely to have a longer labour and is more at risk of interventions. So for that reason alone it's worth thinking about.. offset of course against your partner wanting to see the birth of his child which is of course very important.

Perhaps laying ground rules in advance? I told mine "head end only" and he was fine with that. And as mentioned sending him out for certain checks etc. You may well find that once you're in the thick of it you don't even care that he is there.. I am an extremely private person normally but in labour I cheerfully stripped naked and didn't give a damn who was in the room. Many women lose lots of inhibitions.

As for him divulging details I can understand your fears. Make sure he understands how important this is to you, that it is a dealbreaker if he does share anything you're not comfortable with and that it will cause damage to your relationship if he does. Because it sounds like it will!

Have you asked him if he actually wants to be there? There's a number of fathers to be who would actually prefer not to be but feel that they should!

You have to do what you are happy with - this is just my experience and is in no way meant in a judgy or you must do way, so please don't take it that way.

I had my pfb dd just over 6 months ago. Just as I fell pregnant, my DP got arrested for something that happened 5 years before I even met him. His solicitor told him when it went to court he should be fine and not to worry.
Roll on to 8 months pregnant, sat in a court 4 hours away from home, and watching DP be told he was sentenced to 6 months, he would have to serve 3 months, if he was careful he might be able to serve some of that time on home tagging.

A month later, I haven't seen DP as he was in a London prison and I couldn't travel the 4 hours. I'm taken in to hospital as baby's heartbeat can't be found, there's to and froing over induction and c section, I can't speak to DP about any of this, only the Chaplin of the prison who I don't know from Adam, and when DP could call he had to be mindful how long he spent on the phone as phoning mobiles cost so much.

I was lucky my mum and dad made it in time to be with me, because to be perfectly honest, I needed someone there who knew me, and could help calm me in the scary moments and keep me going when I was ready to give up.

I know I had no choice about DP, and it's something I still find hard to this day, he missed an important part of our life together. For having been an idiot before I even knew him. We couldn't have any say in what happened, but I hated not having him there.

Do whatever you are happy with, that is vital, and something only you can decide on. But consider everything and if you need to tell him he never mentions it again or can only stay in once corner of the room. Just remember it can be an awfully long time to be 'alone' for.

What ever you decide I hope it all goes well for you, the best part is being handed your bundle and knowing all the hard work has paid off.

Thank you Crispy and Pinkbear. Your advice and shared experiences have been really helpful. Pinkbear, I'm so sorry you couldn't have the birth experience you were hoping for. I'm going to try and have a serious discussion with him (again). I also think I'm a bit of a control freak and as there are so many unpredictable aspects to birth it may be freaking me out a little!

Red, that's understandable. It's a situation that's hard to imagine, then pretty much while your in it you have no idea what's happening and then once it's over you are caught up in the bundle of joy and not what just happened, relatively speaking.

If it's any help, I'm fairly sure your DP won't want to repeat anything, most people he'd regularly talk to won't want to know and those that do will come to you. He'll be dead proud of you no matter what.

Have you done your birth plan yet? You can make sure the midwives know that you only want DP to do x y and z etc.

Good luck, and enjoy what ever you do.

I was the same...
I just agreed with him before hand a few rules and things went fine.

For example I didnt want him going any where near down there. I had a sheet covering the area the whole labour. And also I agreed with him that if I asked him to leave the room for a minute he should do so without arguing. I didnt have to ask him in the end and having him with me was incredible. Baby n2 due any day and same rules apply but less stressed about it all. But I understand how you feel. Just say what you want before and it should be fine :)

My husband was fine to follow whatever I requested. So he sat in a corner of the room for much of the birth and held my hand for the last ten minutes. When I'm in pain, I find it easier to retreat into myself and be quiet, so it helped and he wasn't offended.

Re: the possibility of a c-section for DS2, I am 50/50 about whether or not I want my partner in the room. I can't quite articulate why, but I can't deny feeling this way.