Rate my midwife!

[Gizmo]

Well now, I?m coming up for 30 weeks pregnant now and planning a homebirth (if the builders leave us with any electricity and running water at the end of September). Maybe it?s just standard pre-birth jitters, but I have some reservations about my midwife, and I?m trying to work out whether I should be worried enough to think about looking for alternative/additional birth assistance.

Basically, she?s a nice woman (certainly not in the malevolent category some people have bumped up against) but I?m just not certain that she?s particularly competent. Every time I see her, she seems to struggle to remember who I am and where my notes are, and most of the conversation is dominated by the need to fill in the right bits of the notes, and finding the right forms, and such like. She asks very little about how the pregnancy is going and offers very little in the way of advice or information. Today I had to ring her to ask for a Mat B1 form and in passing asked if the results of my blood glucose tests had come back (these tests were done 2 weeks ago). She didn?t know, and offered to discuss them with me at my next (34 week) check up. Which is going to be useful, if in fact I do turn out to have gestational diabetes?..

I'm sure that as a community midwife she is incredibly overloaded, which probably explains her not remembering who I am, and I know there is a good chance that she may not be on shift for my birth, but frankly I have more rapport with my bin men than I do with her. She?s certainly no Mears. Of course it doesn?t help that I appear to be a confident, middle class mother with one reasonably straightforward birth behind me, so she probably doesn?t feel she needs to go into details with me. But actually I want to work with someone I can trust and whose opinion I respect, and if we don?t discuss the pregnancy in any detail how am I going to develop that trust?

So, am I expecting too much from an NHS midwife? Is this typical of midwifery across the country? Should I perhaps be looking at hiring a doula/independent midwife instead? (arrrggghhhh at the expense). Or maybe she?s hiding her light under a bushel and will turn out to be brilliant when it comes to the actual birth bit?.. anyone care to make a bet with me?

I am finding the same thing here!!!

My mw is dead against epidurals which has upset me from first meeting her, as my epidural with DD wasn't 100% effective (i'd say about 30%) and I was only in established labour for 5.5 hours. I didn't really tear, I had a small rip and small graze but nothing major. All in all yes it bl*y hurt but was ok and I had a beautiful baby girl.

I had high bp from 27 wks too and was really badly swollen had taces of protein and reduced movements and spent practically every day from 32 weeks seeing the mw or in DAU.

This time I have seen MY mw twice and i'm 31 weeks! I have seen one random mw - who knew nothing it seemed and worried me slightly as she fiercly poked at my bump... and a mw at the hospital. MY mw has said when I go into labour to call her and she meets us at the hospital...! To be honest, as she isn't for any pain relief other than gritting your teeth round a wooden spoon... I don't really want her there. I also don't even know the woman really and think i'd rather some mw from the hospital there just popping in and out. Like my birth with DD... I cope much better if i'm left to get on with it, ppl keep asking me how I am etc... is likely to have me in floods of tears!

I too feel this time, because i'm fairly clued up and sensible and had a relatively easy birth that she has discarded me. I haven't been told half of the things I had last time. She even said I wouldn't be eligable for birthing classes as I had a child within the last 3 years... despite we never went last time and DP would like to go.

I haven't had my blood test results either or matb1 form... let alone any of the 'you must breast feed' chat...

Feeling well and truly let down, or did I just have a fab team of wonderful mw's last time??? They were so fab! I cannot praise them highly enough- just that they have put a dampener on this preg as haven't built up the same trust as I had last time and saw about 15 diff mw's then and loved them all.

at 'give me a call and I'll meet you in hospital': aren't you going to at least get a chance to discuss your birth plan with your MW?

Interesting that you had some decent guidance from your midwifes the last time around, Pol: makes me think that this general lack of engagement is not just the standard midwifery practise.

I had the same midwife in the last pregnancy and she had the same attitude then, although because DS was born in the local hospital I knew it was extremely unlikely I'd have her for the actual birth.

Of course, the common sense solution for me is to actually talk to her, and air my fears and expectations of what a midwife should do. Except, somehow, weighed against her brisk expectation that the things that are on the forms are important and other discussions are a bit irrelevant, I'm finding it hard to find a way to open the conversation. 'I think you're a bit crap' is probably not exactly the ideal way to promote a friendly exchange of views

my MW was alot like yours gizmo...and I too was a fairly confident, articulate expectant mum with no complications...she happened to turn up on the antenatal ward (was in doing something and checked to see if any of "her mums" were in) while I was leaning against window vomiting into cardboard bowl for the fiftieth time between contrations...and she laughed and said "oh it's no fun is it"...to which all I could do was answer with a forlorn "no, not really...rrretttcchh..."

Y'see, that's actually encapsulated a bit of what I'm worried about Jessa. I don't look like I need mothering; most of the time I actively squirm when someone tries to get all 'huggy' on me.

However, labour is a different kettle of fish and I'm sure I will need to feel that someone is on my side. Remarks like that aren't exactly helpful (although I accept that a lot depends on the tone of voice they're delivered in). I can absolutely envisage current midwife coming out with that sort of comment and not in a helpful way, either.

It is entirely possible that when you are in labour, in your home and she is actively engaged in really caring for you, she will become the supportive, encouraging MW you need. My MW may have 'written me off' as I was never going to be a home birther ( ok, writing me off is maybe an extreme way of wording it, but you know what I mean)
During my labour I had a total of 4 MW with me ( it was quite a long one...) and all three were suitably reserved and business-like when nothing was happening but switched nicely into caring and encouraging when I started to get distressed...I even had the Head of MW telling me to "push now my lovely, push now, there's a lovely girl, push" Would normally have cringed at being spoken to like that (goddamn repressed middleclass upbringing!!)

Oooohhh, yes, I know what you mean Jessa, but I know from experience that my inner infant tends to manifest when I'm in labour (complete with screaming tantrums ) so a nice encouraging motherly presence is exactly what is called for. Whereas at any other time I resent being nannied.

Which is why I need to have a little faith that the midwife can actually remember my name.

I did mention that I would like a birth similar to DD when I first met her... I didn't go in until contractions were about five mins apart and then was already quiet dilated etc... Mentioned I liked being left to wallow and throw up on my own with DP... Why do they make you chuck up in the most hideous cardboard bowls???
She said that maybe my 'other' midwife was like that but she was better and more supportive!!! GRRR after that and the no epidurals thing... I took an instant dislike to her!

Needless to say I won't be calling her when I go in...

And in any case even if your GP's surgery mw isn't there at the birth they visit you when you'r most vulnerable- sleep deprived with a new baby! You need to be able to talk to them and air any stupid concerns you have. Last time I had an ace older woman (prob about mid 50's) she asked how my graze and bits were feeling. I replied ok until I need to have a wee... to which she replied 'ooh yes me duck, like pissing glass isn't it?!' We lived in Derbyshire at the time. But she was so down to earth and I felt with that comment I could tell her anything. Can't see it being like that this time round...

Blimey! Well, I have to say I'm reassured that I'm not the only person to be less then overjoyed with my MW. At 26 weeks, have met her twice, first time she was ill so it was brief and second time, she kept me waiting for 20 mins (first appointment of the day) and then didn't apologise (made me very late) so I wasn't in the best of spirits. She can't remember my name and keeps neglecting the things she's written in my notes (and she lies in them "...nausea settling" - no it bloody wasn't!!!!).

I'm also hoping for a home birth and reckon the chances of getting her are slim, but then maybe it's better the devil you know?! Am going to try and be more positive when I see her next and be more pro-active as I could be (subconciously) talking myself into not liking her and I don't think that will help any of us in the end. Apart from saying I want it at home, we've not mentioned birth!!!

Dear gizmo,no you most definately are not expecting too much from your midwife,when in labour you need to know that you are with someone you have a rapportwith.I am 19 weeks pregnant and have already had three home births in the last 19 years and I am planning to have my last home birth this december.I have had the same nhs midwife for the last two births and when I found out i was pregnant with this baby she said she would deliver this one at home even though she is in charge of the labour ward now and no longer does home births.She cancelled a christmas sking trip to make sure she will be here.The only time I am in contact with her is when I am pregnant,so its not as if she is a close friend, although I have shared some of the most intense moments of my life with her.when I miscarried twice last year she understood completely how I felt and was so supportive.she has helped make my births a beautiful experience and for that I will always remember her and be grateful.I know that she has gone beyond the call of duty,but I hope that can you will get to experience what I have,and if you dont think that the midwife that you have is the right person then ask for another,after all you only get one chance at each birth and its a memory you keep forever.

If I were you I would either talk to her or maybe write to the HoM explaining your concerns.

Remember this might not be a unique experience for her but it is a very special time for you and you should feel completely supported.

If you dont get much joy a doula you bond with would be good

I felt like this during my pregnancy. Just a bit like my midwife wasn't very sincere towards me, I never felt like I had any kind of rapport or bond with her. If I had felt upset or depressed or anxious there's no way I could have confided in her. I'm not sure if this was because I made it clear at our booking visit that I wasn't interested in a homebirth but if you are having a homebirth then you would have thought she would make more of an effort to at least remember your name! I also never got asked about how I intended to feed my baby or offered any information about feeding at all, she obviously just presumed I would want to breastfeed, which I did, but as she barely knew me how could she make that kind of presumption?

Gizmo, it's worth remembering that you might not get your own MW at the birth. Mine said she would come even if she was not on duty but then had the bare faced cheek to go on holiday!!!
Anyway I ended up with 4 MWs ranging from OK to fab (they were all in my kitchen together at shift change!). Also had to transfer to hospital but they continued to respect my wishes and then discharged me straight from the delivery room after 3 hours so that I could try to pretend I still had a homebirth.
Sorry not really any advice there but what I'm saying is that to guarantee who is at your birth you would have to hire someone I guess.

gizmo, I'm pondering this question at the mo.

planning to give birth (1st time) in Belgium, hospital midwives seemed nice and friendly but it wasn't clear whether they'd be with you all the way through, what exact support they'd give etc. I had the impression they only come in to you from time to time, though, and I'd kind of like a more constant helping person, alongside DH.

So now wondering about hiring a doula or indep. mw. It could SO be worth the expense. On the other hand, as someone else said, your current mw may seem faffy with paperwork and not be very good at the preparation bit, but actually have very good hands on qualities when she's actually DOING the midwifing during the labour. Even with an independent you wouldn't know what they would be really like with you in labour.

Sorry I can't be more helpful but just to let you know you're not alone in this dilemma!

Yup, sounds like it's a common one, and to be honest I suppose I'm not surprised: I guess a lot of midwives are attracted into the job by the image of being the key professional at the birth and for a short while after, and the ante-natal care element may not be the most interesting bit for them. In fact, she (my midwife) did let slip at the last appointment that actually she never enjoyed being pregnant herself, so it may explain her lack of enthusiasm for discussing the details of pregnancy. She does like my goal of having a homebirth though, so we've got something in common there.

LahDiDah, you're right: in fact I've had a few episodes of transient ante-natal depression this pregnancy, but I've never even considered discussing them with her, because I don't see how she could help.

I'm really reluctant to write to the HofM and 'sack' her: I've got no concrete reason to doubt her professionalism, and it sounds a bit spoilt to demand someone different just because I've not managed to establish a rapport with someone. After all, that sort of thing takes effort on both sides.

The more I think about it, the more I think I should just be a bit franker about my fears and plans with her and see how she reacts. We're scheduled to discuss birth plans at my next (34 week) check so that should really give her something to get her teeth into. If she's still a bit limp and unhelpful then, then I guess I shall just have to start talking to Doulas - hey ho....