indulge me while I blatently look for some sympathy

[Anothermrssmith]

Apologies in advance, this is a long one!

Spent the last week living at my inlaws while they are on holiday so that hubby and I can look after his grandpa who has the early stages of dementia. He lives alone just along the road from my inlaws and all his care is given by my in-laws and hubbys aunt. When we agreed to this it was just a case of giving him dinner every night and dropping in during the day to make him a cup of tea and make sure he was ok, however in the last few weeks he's started getting really confused and wandering the streets, usually at night so someone has been staying there every night so he's not alone.

During the week he has been fine, lucid and known whats going however last night we got a phone call at about 9.30pm from hubbys aunt, she had gone to the house to spend the night as planned and found the front door open and the house empty. We went to jump in the car to go looking for him but it had been parked by my hubby too close to the wall meaning I couldnt fit in thanks to my bump. While he was moving it I heard shouting and found his grandpa lieing in the flower bed of next doors garden. As far as we can tell he had walked along the street without his stick or even a coat (why we dont know though assume he was heading here to my in-laws), gotten confused so went to the wrong house where he fell off a step and landed in the flower bed. Thankfully he hasn't hurt himself apart from a scratch to his face, but I cant stop thinking about what could have happened, what if we had just jumped in the car to go looking for him, what if he had hit his head and couldnt shout out or what if hubbys aunt went any later, we never would have seen him. Hubby managed to get him up while I got his aunt but within minutes of getting him in the house it started to rain really heavily, he could have been out in that for hours and god only knows what could have happened. He thinks he had been lieing there for about half an hour (it's a quiet street so not many people passing and while I say I heard him shouting I only just heard him and that was from about 10 feet away) but really it's a case of anyones guess as as to how long he had been there as last person to see him had been my husband at 6pm when he took his dinner round.

My inlaws deserve their holiday, MIL does 90% of the caring for her dad on her own and she needs the break however I cant help but think that since he's gotten so much worse so quickly hubby and I are the wrong people to be caring for him while they are away. I'm currently 34+2 with baby number 1 and am a type 1 diabetic. While my pregnancy has been text book up until now we found out during the week that baby is macrosomatic (too big basically) and is already estimated to weigh over 7lbs, meaning I might need to be induced earlier than planned. My blood pressure has also been creeping up over the last few weeks (is now high for me but still in normal range) and I dread to think what its doing after the stress of last night and today though thankfully baby has been particularly active today. My BIL lives locally and works part time so really theres no reason he couldnt at least be helping us out but we've not heard from him the whole time we've been staying. With SIL it is a bit more complicated as she is only 22 and has a 2 year old but she doesnt work at all and her partner has a works van so theres nothing to stop him making the short commute to work. On the other hand we live 40 miles away, hubby has taken a weeks holiday from work so we can be here (my maternity leave started last week) and instead of being a 20 minute drive from the hospital we're now at least an hour away if theres any problems. It was never considered that my SIL or BIL could look after him though, if we hadnt agreed to do it they just wouldnt have gone on holiday. Hubbys aunt and sons have been staying over night with him but she is a nurse and works shifts including nights so cant really commit to anything other than the odd night here and there and her sons are only 18 and 16 and I get the feeling they dont really understand how serious things are (not that they should at that age I suppose) and when they are there they want to be out with their friends. MIL and her sister though just refuse to consider the possibility of outside help, I understand why but hubby and I both feel they're missing the bigger picture of how benificial it could be for everyone.

Someone please offer some sympathy, I've basically just said here the things I wouldnt dare say outloud and I'm feeling guilty for even thinking them. Also if anyone has any advice on anything we can be doing to keep grandpa "normal" for want of a better word it would be VERY much appreciated.

I think you could safely say it's escalated and that he needs some care in the home ? Can you perhaps swop half the week with Bil and then perhaps Sil do a day ? Perhaps they would agree to share the care.

I really feel for you what a stressful situation.

First of all I think you and your husband sound lovely- it's great that you've stepped in to allow PILs a break, caring can be a huge strain.
But huge sympathy to you, it's tough for anyone to be 32 weeks pg, let alone taking on significant new caring responsibilities. As someone who also has type 1 , I totally sympathise (haven't had kids yet myself but am rather intimidated by the idea of type 1 pregnancy, base on how difficult I find it to manage diabetes under normal circumstances).
It does sound unfair that others aren't contributing as much as you to the caring- I guess all you can do is, as sensitively as possible, make your feelings known and hope that they will do the right thing. Good luck!

You absolutely deserve sympathy and that's a lot piling up at once for you.

Can grandpa come to your inlaws for the day or you go there? It sounds like he needs pretty much constant supervision/care and while that brings its own burdens it may be less stressful than worrying whether he's wandered off. Dementia is very difficult to manage.

You then have an argument for BIL and SIL getting involved a little more.

DHs grandmother has an android phone. The GPS locator in that is somehow linked to everyone's google devices accounts (don't ask me how, I do iThings) but she is very good about taking her phone because the family make an effort to use it and we send her frequent picture messages etc so there's an incentive there.

I had a grandfather like this. You're right in thinking that he may have gone a bit downhill quickly. We were told by "the head" doctor (ie not the lead doctor but the brain one if that makes sense!!) that any slight change in routine will create a deterioration. The only advice I can give to keep him as "normal" as possible is to keep routine!!

Thank you for saying that esker because I feel like a right bitch for complaining, we've only been dealing with this for a week after all and have only had two "incidents" in that time (SIL found him hiding under his bed last week, not sure what he was doing there, didnt mention it in last post as it was in danger of turning into a novel)

I'm sure my SIL would be willing to help more if she had been asked at the time, but she wasn't and her situation is a bit more complicated as I said, she doesnt live locally either though it would have been easier for her to be doing this than us. And as i said, she's only 22 and finds the deterioration in her grandpa hard to deal with. To give her her dues my inlaws left last Saturday and hubby and I already had plans to go to a friends 30th so she and her partner looked after him for the night (which is when the incident under the bed happened). My BIL on the other hand is 5 years older than my hubby but to be honest is an immature idiot who can barely look after himself, he has a son that when it's his days to see him (he split with the mother before son was born) he drops off with my inlaws and and goes out with his mates so his son barely sees his dad. While theres nothing psyically to stop him helping out it's really easier all round that we just do it, I may be complaining about him not bothering but I know really it wouldnt end well.

puddleduck we had put the hiding under the bed down to the fact my inlaws were away and that upsetting his normal routine, mainly because after that he had been fine until last night. Everything has been kept normal for him, my FIL usually goes round in the morning to make sure he's had breakfast and taken his meds, MIL goes at lunch time to make sure he eats something, then he gets picked up at 5pm to be taken to my inlaws for his dinner, we've kept everything the same other than the fact it has been me and my husband doing those things instead of my inlaws.

Inlaws get back on Tuesday, in the meantime we can only hope that nothing happens between now and then, especially because we havent told them about anything thats happened while they've been away as it would only ruin their break. Hubby and I agreed last night that his mum and aunt need to have a serious discussion about how best to care for their Dad as he has gotten a lot worse in the few weeks before my inlaws went away, but bringing it up will be tricky. Even though his aunt is a nurse I think theres an element of not wanting to ask for help as it's somehow failing their Dad, especially as when their mum was ill before she died (only 2 years ago) they managed themselves. That was different though, while she was ill she never had issues like this. They both need the help though, their Mum was ill for years before she died and almost as soon as she passed their Dad started going down hill.

I an sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment. As there has been a sudden change in his level of confusion it might be worth asking the GP to review to make sure nothing else is going on. They might also be able to help you with some emergency support.

I agree, definitely see the Gp.

Whe your in laws are back I suggest you talk to them about a referral to social services. Both grandpa and your inlaws (as his main carers) are entitled to an assessment. If they don't want to have in care that's fine, but they can give information about other services e.g. Admiral nursing who can give dementia specific support. They can also provide telecare equipment (Google Tunstall for more info) which can help notify family if there is a problem e.g. When he leaves the house. A phone with a GPS is a great idea, but he might not remember to take it with him.
You could contact them this week for urgent support if you need it, but it might depend on your area how quickly they respond.
Age UK are also a great source of information and support.

I don't know where you are but you could suggest Cross roads to them to. This is not so much social care but a charity that will help. They would come to my grandmother and be a "friend" as opposed to a carer to my grandpa for a couple hours to let her out which was handy in the later stages where she couldn't leave him. They would make tea/biscuits, or if near lunchtime would heat up some soup.