Prickly female friends

[SuperLovefuzz]

I'm 39+4 today with my first baby (and feeling it!) and not feeling much love from a few of my female friends. I'm trying to bear in mind they have their own stuff going on etc, but thought I could count on them for a bit more support. One friend in particular who doesn't have any children has made quite a few insensitive comments throughout my pregnancy. Just little things which I'm sure were meant as a joke like 'bloody baby ruining our fun' referring to us not being able to go out drinking any more. I've also felt like my friends have made no effort to visit me even though I've been off sick from work for the best part of the last 4 months and quite low on money. The one friend that is bothering me most is my best friend who has a 2 year old. Today I called her and during the conversation I mentioned that I'm really scared about giving birth. I'm absolutely terrified but haven't really found anyone willing to talk this through with me. I know her labour was quite bad (as she's happily told me the horror story a few times since I've been pregnant, lovely how people seem to like to do that!) so I did expect a bit more support or reassurance from her. She just said 'yeah, good luck with that'. I know my hormones are all over the place and I'm a tad more sensitive than usual to say the least, but I'm not imagining this. I feel like my friends are being bitter with me for a range of reasons and I just don't know how to deal with it. My best friend that I mentioned actually had a go at me a few weeks ago because I cancelled plans at short notice because I had been bleeding (everything fine) and was upset at a fight with my boyfriend. I feel like some people expect our friendship to go back to exactly as it was (going out drinking a lot etc) after I've had the baby. I just think this is totally unrealistic and also not what I want to be doing. I'm not saying I never want to go out again, but my baby is my priority now and I'm happy with the changes it will bring to my life. Has anyone else experienced this? Do you think it's best just to deal with situations as they arise and not read too much into it?

I know exactly what you mean. However, the best friend, I guarantee you is just jealous.

and, you're feeling it now but when that baby is born you'll feel completely differently. Baby will just come first. End of. If friends can't understand then you can just sit back & wait until it's their turn.

my friendships have changed a bit since having my DD. It's difficult when you have very little in common with someone & sometimes it feels forced.

Yes, it's jealousy of one kind or another. You have to face the fact that you may need to make a whole new bunch of friends! Women are so often not as supportive as they could be of each other re. childbirth etc. There is an nasty underlying element of competitiveness about conception/ giving birth/ everything about after! Look out for possible new friends in your situation and get any advice and support you may need on here for childbirth if it is not forthcoming in RL! My tip is pregnancy yoga classes. Really useful for positions for a confident birth.
As someone who had to find a whole new set of friends myself I know exactly how you feel, at the time you most need them, old friends who are jealous or can't see you as a night-out accomplice anymore can be poisonous.

Your friends could be more supportive but it is hard for them knowing they will in many ways lose you. You are of course very happy with the changes you are facing. Your best friend without dc is just going to lose out really. No benefits for her from the changes.
Have you been a pregnancy martyr? I love my cousin dearly but was ready to throttle her by the end of the pregnancy. The drama was unbearable.

I don't think its jealousy. I've been both sides of this sort of issue. Before I had kids, I found pregnant friends a bit dull and afterwards my contact became more sporadic. I liked them no less but i had no desire to talk about kids! Now I have kids I am a little less blunt.

I understand how you feel, and it's a really shit feeling.

I've been ignored by my "closest" friend since announcing I was expecting my second child. She ignored me throughout my first pregnancy - hung up the phone on me when I said I was pregnant - but this time I've had a dreadful pregnancy and I could do with some support.

Instead, I can't talk about the pregnancy - she will instantly change the subject - yet she can shite on about things that are happening in her life. I was in hospital with early labour and have now been diagnosed with SPD and somedays it would be nice to maybe have a chat about it. Instead I have to keep my mouth shut.

I have distanced myself from her and become closer to friends who are more understanding and mature (we're in our early 30's but she acts 15 sometimes). It's not even like they're all Mum's or anything, just people who are less hostile about pregnancy or kids. You might need to do the same thing too, life is much easier when you surrround yourself with understanding and supportive people.

Thanks everyone. I think it is maybe a bit of jealousy for different reasons which I understand, just expected my close friends to be a bit nicer! I've tried my best to keep it light hearted when talking about my pregnancy (and also to talk about what they have going on too) because I know it can get a bit boring if all I do is talk about my sore back!

Know this feeling, Im the first of my close girl friends to be pg. I had mixed reactions when announcing it... Best friend laughing hysterically calling me a liar. She has calmed down now, but the friendship has changed, i still went out when i could have a soft drink etc but she was single on the prowl my bump definitely kept the men away! But i was exhausted &so I've requested more low key meetings at home /early bird tea which aren't v exciting i get it - she doesn't really ask or acknowledge the pg now! My other close girl friends were very excited for me &i let them ask pg related questions out of fascination but i never start a conversation about being pg or the baby... Their
fascination is running out. I still listen to their life drama i don't want to miss out. But like others mentioned i had a day off sick when one rang to complain about her boyfriend the same day she didn't ask me how i was. I told her id been off sick but nothing, complaints that Im boring cos i don't go out! I have done more than enough pushing my body to exhaustion for them &have found a very sympathetic work friend, who happens to be Im the same situation- our pg have brought us closer &Im sure our babies will be friends too. Ppl change &common interest change but you'll find new friends, i think we just like the comfortableness of our normal group- when they have babies they'll want to rekindle for playdates &advice!

I'm experiencing a similar situation with a friend who has really cranked up the passive aggressive Cruella de Ville child hating comments and made some other snarky asides as well. I just can't be bothered with her any more. She was like this with my first pregnancy and barely acknowledges my gorgeous DD at all. Fuck her I say, a friend with that attitude to a lovely child is no loss to me.

You will meet other new mums who will become important to you. Friendships change, and if you having a child is going to cause your friendship to deteriorate, maybe it's time for you to move on anyway?

Op,

I've struggled with pg so far and had quite a few sick days and cancelled outings etc but not as severe as you describe. I have however been interested and disappointed with a number of people's responses to me. This has happened most at work which culminated in someone shouting at me aggressively.

Ultimately my priority has to be myself and my baby and I've definitely begun to re-evaluate my relationships with people, and this is sad but not necessarily a bad thing. I'd rather know sooner rather than later whether someone is worth my friendship.

Aw poor you. It does sound like jealousy unfortunately but maybe she is longing for a child but can't or its not happening or she's not in that place in her life. I was like this to my sil I'm now ashamed to say. I have 2 friends ttc for years and when I got preg it was so hard for one of them and she got really funny with me and now I've had ds (7 weeks ago) she doesn't want to talk about it. I forget that my whole world right now is baby baby baby and I forget other people aren't as interested. I now go to baby groups and BF cafe to make friends with other mums so we can talk baby/birth etc to get it out of my system. Are you going to antenatal classes or anything? Our BF cafe welcomes pregnant ladies to come and chat too.