Pregnancy after Infertility - Why am I still so angry?

[Viv77]

I know I will probably get a bit of abuse on here but really don't understand my feelings right now and was hoping some of you others would try to help me make sense of them.

After four years of trying to get pregnant I finally fell pregnant and naturally. I honestly thought that if that day ever arrived things would be much better and although they are I am incredibly sad still as I'm not the same person I was before.

I use to be pretty positive person and although I know everybody has problems and rough patches It was the first time in my life where hard work and positivity didn't help me. For 2 and a half years we dealt with things on our own and then the last year and a half I confided in a few friends and family members. Some were helpful but there are others I can't even speak to now because of some of the hurtful comments. I was told:-

'I think you should look into adoption' and 'well my other friend has been trying much longer than you' and the worst comment said to me was 'why not you'.

All of these comments did not help me one bit so I stayed away. It angered me that women that I thought were friends and had their children already could turn around and say things like that to me knowing how precious their children are to them. I feel silly because I thought I knew myself and the people around me and the ones I thought would be there weren't they just sat back. Don't get me wrong I understand everybody has their own lives and things to deal with but I was so low and at my lowest I couldn't get myself out of bed for two days and had to see a counsellor and everything. I eventually pulled myself together and somehow managed to keep going without it screwing up the rest of my life but I just was not happy.

I'm actually surprised I'm in this situation as i was close to giving up and walking away from my marriage because it hurt too much when this miracle happened.

Don't get me wrong I feel incredibly fortunate but I'm still so very angry about the whole thing. I'm so happy I'm in this situation but infertility has robbed me of enjoying every single moment of this pregnancy to the full. I worry all the time first I wanted to make it to 12 week scan, then it was the 20 week scan and even though everything looks ok I don't think I'll be completely calm until the baby is in my arms.

Please can someone tell me Is it normal to be feeling this way still I don't understand it and just hope when the baby arrives all this hurt will go away.

I don't have a lot to say. But just wanted to say that a lot of it will probably be hormones. I wanted to be pregnanct and ten when I did I broke down as I wasn't sure if it's what I wanted.
Have you got a councillor you could talk to now?
I just wanted to offer a hand to hold and congratulations
I'm sure whatever happens you will be a fantastic mum.
It's a huge step for anyone, However long you have been trying for. Those friends sound insensitive so it's good you don't talk to them no wouldn't either.

Best of luck

I've never suffered with infertility but pretty sure that what you are feeling is entirely normal. I miscarried at 12 weeks earlier in the year, and still feel angry about losing my baby despite being 25 weeks pregnant now. I think many women (including myself with my eldest) are quite idealistic about pregnancy, you spend so many years trying not to get pregnant that you presume that once you decide to stop using contraception you will fall pregnant quickly and easily, the scans are a chance to see your baby and find out the sex, and it's just how things are.

Any problems that make you lose the innocence of this view and it really does shatter the illusion. All I can suggest is to try and enjoy the pregnancy. I have spoken to a lot of others who have lost babies, and all say that once baby is here you accept that although you are likely to still be upset, you love the baby in your arms so much that you realise everything you went through was worth it, and if things had gone differently you wouldn't be holding that baby.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I think that what you are experiencing is totally normal. It took me over a year to conceive my first pregnancy which ended in miscarriage. Some friends and family members knew that we'd been trying a while and we're less than helpful, then when I had my miscarriage, people expected me to bounce back right away, including DH. Needless to say, I didn't, I actually lost the plot a bit, mainly because others around me were so insensitive, I also thought a about leaving and starting again. The constant announcements on Facebook from pregnant friends etc, the constant reminders from snide family members and so when is it going to happen type questions...all of which got me down... That's why I haven't told anyone, except immediate family this time around and never ask anyone whether or not they're going to have children...or why they haven't had any yet! I'm not 16 weeks, it took another year of trying to conceive this one and like you I feel I will not be truly happy until the baby is here in my arms.

Nobody truly understands the journey you've been on, but I totally empathise. You're not alone in how you feel and as another poster above has already said the hormones really do mess with your head!

I really hope everything goes well for you. X

*Silly autocorrect were not we're.

I think you're very normal. Infertility is devastating and though some friends and family may respond with tact and sympathy others are never able to really 'get' it and inevitably while you are going through those long months and years of disappointment and heartbreak many friendships will be unable to survive. I believe that unless you've been through infertility, it's impossible to understand just how much it calls into question: our identity, our sexuality, our friendships and relationships are all shaken to the very core and it is impossible to still be the happy carefree people we were before.
We started trying in 1999 and stopped in 2010 and I feel that my life was essentially on hold for those 11 years. We had 4 IUIs, 7 rounds of IVF which resulted in four miscarriages (2 of which needed D&Cs). I think I went through every emotion in the book, stayed in a job I hated just in the hope of getting maternity pay and ended up, at my lowest, seriously contemplating suicide as I just couldn't bear what it was doing to me (and DH) and couldn't comprehend finding sense in a future without a family. Needless to say I came out the other side and had finally started to be positive about our future and was happy to be childless (freedom, time, energy when at a time all my close friends seem to be weighed down by children and relationship problems). We somehow managed to conceive without trying and I'm now 19 weeks pregnant and everything seems to be okay. My first reaction to my positive test was 'shit' and I really wasn't sure for the first three months if I was more terrified about another miscarriage or about this actually being a viable pregnancy (with a baby at the end). I'm terrified of something going wrong because though my mental health has been so much better in recent years I fear that I wouldn't be able to pick myself up again. I'm also mourning the loss of all those lost years and the fact that I cannot bring myself to be optimistic about this pregnancy (no shopping, no conversations about names until birth).
Sorry for the rather rambling reply but just wanted to say you're not alone xx

Oh honey. It is completely normal to still worry and to still be angry. Don't beat yourself up. You've been through so much, and becoming pregnant doesn't erase those experiences, especially when they're so recent and so raw still. Nobody goes through infertility and then just shrugs it off.

Many congratulations on your miracle pregnancy, and on making it past 12 weeks and 20 weeks. If it helps any, my experience (I'm currently nearly 31 weeks following 2 rounds of IVF) has been that although the mentalling continues, time does speed up after 20 weeks which maybe makes it easier to cope with! Though I fully identify with the sense of not feeling safe until the baby is here and I think anyone who's suffered losses, whether miscarriages or infertility or both, would identify with it too.

Advice I was given for if you feel that you are worrying too much to enjoy being pregnant, is to document the pregnancy to look back on - take lots of bump photos, keep a diary, make a bump cast, or create something to give your child when they're older (if you're artistic - I'm not).

Advice I was given for the angry or sad moments is just to know and accept they are normal, they will pass and time will make them less frequent. Some of my top "little moments" of this pregnancy so far have been (1) bursting into tears in the queue for an NCT sale because I felt so overwhelmed and such an imposter standing there amongst all the parents and pregnant people (I was over 5 months pregnant myself) and (2) days of guilt-inducing rage at the unfairness of life when my SIL became pregnant in the second month of trying (even though our IVF had been successful).

It's not always "socially acceptable" to feel these things, though, as people who haven't been through it don't understand (and how could they, unless they'd been through it themselves, and we wouldn't wish that on them...) so offloading on here can be sanity preserving, if you don't known anyone in real life who's pregnant after infertility.

If you feel more counselling would be helpful, and can afford a few sessions, I would go. For what it's worth, the counsellor at the fertility clinic where I was treated told us that she sees almost as many people after they become pregnant, as people who are going through treatment!! My DH and I saw her twice after the positive pregnancy test and it really helped. Though it's important to go to someone with specific experience of infertility counselling and I guess we were "lucky" (if that's the word) to have had IVF and therefore have access to the clinic counsellor.

I'm told it gets easier but that the experience of infertility is probably always with you in some way, even after a child or children.

Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy, I hope it all goes smoothly and your baby will be here before you know it.

i read this the other day.. not sure if itl help ou but its a good read.. www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/nov/16/30000-ivf-for-baby-didnt-want

I miscarried my first pregnancy and the second one (which gave me ds) was quite anxious, like you fo the 12 week scan, and 20 weeks scan etc. I couldn't just relax and do the baby glow thing.

One of my friends was pregnant at the same time, she was so over excited, told all her friends as soon as she had done the test, just no concept that pregnancy is anything other than lovely.

I remember being so irrationally angry at her. I even wished she would miscarry so that she would understand that pregnancy isn't a guaranteed joy fest. I feel so sad now that I felt that way, but I think it is a normal expression of all the emotions whirling round.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, things do seem different once you have your baby in your arms. But please get counselling at any point, if it will help.

I think it is completely normal.

I also suffered (still am,really...) infertility. I was worried the whole of my first pregnancy (after 3 IVF attempts), and refused to buy anything for the baby until I was 30 weeks, because I could not allow myself to believe that I was actually pregnant.

To be honest, even now, 3 years later and pregnant for a second time I get angry and upset when other people announce that they are pregnant after only a few months trying. The feeling of unfairness never goes away, but on a positive note, I am much less worried this time around.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, at some point you will start to allow yourself to look forward to holding the baby in your arms.

No matter how many babies you have, you'll always be infertile emotionally even if not physically. Waiting that long to conceive and bring home a baby leaves a deep scar. I have not experienced infertility to that degree myself, but I have many many friends who have and they nearly all have feelings like you do. I have a good friend who has an older daughter and 2 year old triplets conceived after many years, and she still feels bitter every time she hears of an accidental BFP. Be forgiving with yourself - four years is a lifetime when TTC, most women go crazy after three months of it. Of course it has changed your outlook.

I really think it's normal, I tried for 15 months and was so happy to be pregnant, over the moon, but totally shaken up by the infertility fear/sadness, as well as worry about the pregnancy, it really affected me. Over time it's got much better and I'm now due next week and more relaxed. Lots of luck and don't be hard on yourself, four years is a long time to deal with it.

Sounds entirely normal to me. As others have said, what you've been through is bound to have left its marks. I'm sorry things are feeling so hard for you at the moment. And congratulations on your pregnancy!

I think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. It is wonderful that you are pg now, but why would your pregnancy magically overwrite all the pain from years of struggling to conceive? I think if you allow yourself to still feel angry and sad (which is perfectly normal and perfectly justified) you'll find those feelings easier to cope with than if you struggle against them because you think you aren't allowed to have them. You are!

Hello to everyone that has left a post on this thread and thank you ever so much for your thoughts and advice. Reading your responses has really helped and I feel much better today.

I've been given some really good advice on this thread the most important one being that I'm definitely going to see someone about how I'm feeling. My husband was a bit worried when I mentioned it before as in his words I shouldn't need to now but I'm not myself at all and I need help. I think I've given it long enough to see if I'll feel better on my own. It's hard for me to believe that things can eventually go right for me and I'm just so afraid I'll end up being a very negative person.

To all the ladies on here that experienced infertility or miscarried and are now pregnant congratulations I'm so pleased for you and hope you are taking some of the good advice that you left me.

I'm almost 31 weeks now and have 9 weeks left to go so really want to see if I enjoy the last couple of months as much as I can, well I'm going to give it a good go.

All the best to everybody and thanks again for letting me know I'm not a weirdo and everything I'm feeling is normal.