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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Sex and Pregnancy?

22 replies

TheNobodies · 14/10/2013 16:02

I had my first Midwife appointment over a week ago and the Midwife adviced me and my partner not to have sex due to my previous pregnancies ending badly due to a suspected weak cervix. Has anybody else been adviced not to?

My partner keeps moaning saying he needs "sorting" and says there is always "oral". Since finding out we cant he wants me to pleasure him everyday! But before i had to ask him for sex. It's starting to frustrate me know because he's starting to get mardy because i wont do anythibg ti him due to the constant asking! I just feel he is being really insensitive :-(

OP posts:

SweetPea86 · 14/10/2013 16:07

He is being a tad insensitive. I have no desire for sex at the mo feel exhausted and sick all the time. Feeling this poop on top of working full time sex is the last thing on my mind. If my hubby asked for oral I may bite it off in resentment. (Just borking at the thought of oral at the mo) maybe once my sickness passes I will feel better.

At the end of the day you midwife has advised you not to so your fella is going to have to be a bit more understanding.

Read so many posts on here about women worrying about sex. Your carrying a child on top of every thing else sex is in the back of our minds at this point.

Try not to feel frustrated talk to your hubby and tell him how you feel.

Original poster

TheNobodies · 14/10/2013 16:19

The reason I cant is because I lost my son at 23 weeks and I have to have extra scans to check my cervix. He was even there when my midwife said that it could stimulate my cervix, so its best to avoid it. He is normally so understanding but he is being a little idiotic at the moment. I'm just scared he might turn to porn, because ive heard of situations like this before.

I'm lucky i dont have sickness! But I have had a urine infection and just recovered from thrush!

I will talk to him tonight, I have a feeling it won't go well

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Writerwannabe83 · 14/10/2013 16:29

I'm on a sex ban too, we haven't DTD since mid-July!

Thankfully hubby has been brilliant and has never put any pressure on me or made me feel like it is 'putting him out'. I'm hoping that after the 20 week scan we might get permission to have sex again but I'm doubtful to be honest.

I'm so sorry to hear about your son, I bet keeping this baby safe is the absolute everything to you and your husband should definitely be more sensitive to your feelings. It sounds like a really difficult situation and I hope things go ok when you tell him how you are feeling x x

Sammi1986 · 14/10/2013 17:57

Out of curiosity what is wr

Sammi1986 · 14/10/2013 17:59

Blahhh silly phone!
Out of curiosity what is wrong with him turning to porn? Every man has watched if at some point! I have no libido at all, but I've never had an issue with dirty movies, if my OH gets off on some girl squealing "nn-yeah" while faking it, it saves me a job ;)

greentshirt · 14/10/2013 18:00

Honestly? He sounds like an arse. Its the life of your baby at risk here, tell him to get lost!

Also out of interest, why would you care if he turned to porn? Leave him to it and focus on keeping well!

greentshirt · 14/10/2013 18:01

Haha, same Sammi :lol:

SweetPea86 · 14/10/2013 18:04

I'm sorry to hear you lost your baby at 23 weeks. I'm kind of with nobodies on the porn think I don't really like the thought of my hubby watching it, maybe it's because I'm a bit of a feminist and think its a bit degrading.
(That's just my take on it anyways.)

I think also just burying his head and watching porn is not actually talking about the problem.

He has to remember that it's not just him of can't have sex it's us ladies too.

I think the best bet is to talk and tell him how you feel

Sammi1986 · 14/10/2013 18:04

Lol great minds an all that Jen xx

Original poster

TheNobodies · 14/10/2013 18:44

Sweatpea that's exactly what i think. I honestly think it is degrading to woman and i think if he wants to be wuth me he should respect my views on porn. Like sweatpea said, its not just him who can't have sex its me too. If I could have it I would, and im not to keen on oral as one if my pregnancy symptons is retching a lot.

At the end of the day I'm pregnant with his baby, we have had 3 losses and he should respect me enough not to constantly go on at me. It's hard enough staying strong with this pregnancy let alone worrying about him

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Tulipsandbuttercups · 14/10/2013 19:05

We are also on a sex ban made by my consultant. My husband has been fantastic and very understanding.
If there is a risk for ur baby then your partner needs to be understanding too and it is unacceptable if he is not.
I would say if he wants to watch porn, let him, it's harmless and it will stop him from pestering you? Tbh he probably watches it anyway

SweetPea86 · 14/10/2013 19:10

I hope you sort it out with him just say exactly what you have wrote there.

I some times think people forget how hard it is being pregnant this is my first and it's been challenging.

I can't even imagine what your going through after 3 losses.

As for porn I'm totally with you on that.

Have a good talking to him even shouting and get it off your chest. Nothing worse than letting it build up hope you sort it out soon xxxx

tsw · 14/10/2013 19:33

I'd tell him to piss off! I have had a full term loss & if my DH did this, he'd be told in no uncertain terms how I felt.

We have had a brief ban (2 weeks) because of blood loss this time & he was very understanding as he was very upset seeing me so distraught at the thought of another loss. That is what I would expect if I were you. Sex can come later when the baby is here safe & sound - he needs to grow up!

As for porn - if he needs an avenue for 9 months I'd be inclined to let him if that's what it takes. But it is more his attitude that would upset & anger me.

Original poster

TheNobodies · 14/10/2013 19:36

He might watch it Tulips, what I don't know wont hurt me but if i find it on his phone or playstation i eont be happy. He should only want to be pleasured by me. The midwife advised me not the consultabt. Im only 9+1 weeks so have to wait until the 7th November to see him after my 12week scan.

Sweetpea, I'm glad someone has the same views as me. He's only just finished work so I will see if i can talk to him tonight if not it will have to wait until Thursday as hes is away with work. He's normally so understanding and he barely wanted sex beforehand which is what frustrates me! Is you pregnancy going well sweetpea? Xxx

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Xenadog · 14/10/2013 19:59

OP your partner sounds incredibly selfish and basically horrible! The fact that he expects you to "pleasure him" every day whereas in the past you had to ask for sex shows he doesn't put your needs or desires anywhere near his own - what a huge turn off that is!

I would be telling him to bugger off and have a wank as you are having to miss out too. As for porn - well you know what let him turn to it. If he "needs" that then pity the poor sod!

katebakes · 14/10/2013 21:02

Xenadog, I agree!

I'm so sorry OP about your previous loss. The way your partner is behaving is vile and I'd be heartbroken if my DH acted this way.

Is there no way you can be intimate without sex?

God luck with your pregnancy :)

Anothermrssmith · 14/10/2013 21:22

Yes he's being really insensitive but sounds to me more like a case of he wants what he knows he can't have, and is being a bit of a twat about it. Next time he says anything just tell him exactly what you've told us,it's a medically induced sex ban,it's not forever (hell it might not even be for the whole pregnancy depending on how things go) and if he's that frustrated he can look after himself. As for the porn thing it wouldn't bother me personally (but then I have a particularly 'liberated' attitude to porn shall we say) but if he does watch it don't think of it as someone else pleasuring him,think of it as he can't come up with anything good on his own. Just because he watches something doesn't mean that's what he wants, and it doesn't mean he love you any less or finds you any less attractive.

Original poster

TheNobodies · 15/10/2013 10:28

Xenadog I have felt like telling him to watch porn! We went away this weekend to london and he asked to be pleasured so many times. We had an hoyr left before we had to book out and he said "I think we have enough time left for some fun" The last night there he had a strop at ne and wouldnt come to bed with me and wouldnt tell me why. I new it was because i wpuldnt do anything to him. I woukd pleasure him, but I dont want to do it on demand!

I think we will be able to after 23 weeks.. I justdont understand him he's been so supportive and now he's being abit of a jerk. Upsets me :-(

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Xenadog · 15/10/2013 22:14

So have you told him explicitly how his actions make you feel? Is he normally such a selfish git too? I think you need to be totally upfront and tell him this attitude is not on and you need support and love not this stupid and unreasonable approach to sex.

Original poster

TheNobodies · 16/10/2013 14:56

Honestly no, he isnt usually so disrepectful. He usually has so much respect and puts me first. I spoke to him last night and he apoligised and didn't realise it was coming across that way. He said he won't do it again and even if we were allowed a sexual relationship he wouldnt risk it as he doesbt want to lose baby. I ended up crying stupid hormones and he sounded like he meant it and felt so bad. He also knows that the sex ban is best and apoligised for being disrespectful.

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HotCrossPun · 16/10/2013 15:13

Ugh. Sorry, OP, but the way your DP sounds horrible. It might be out of character for him, but when you are pregnant, stressed and vulnerable it's the worst time for him to start acting this way!

Stop feeling obliged to pleasure him and 'sort him out' when he asks you to. Tell him to go and do it himself, if he is that desperate he can do it without porn.

I'd be sitting down with him again and letting him know that even if you are given the all clear after 23 weeks to start having sex again, there is a good chance you might not want to. Similarly after the birth you might not be wanting to have sex for a while either. He needs to get his head around this and deal with it like an adult.

Him having a strop when you don't want to wank him off is childish and emotional blackmail. Nip it in the bud before he starts to feel that you servicing him sexual needs whenever he demands it is OK.

And congrats on your pregnancy!

Original poster

TheNobodies · 16/10/2013 15:26

I spoke to him yesterday hotcross. I said the sexban might not be throught the whole pregnancy and he said, he doesnt care because he doesn't want to risk me going into labour before fullterm. So I think he had realised that he was being a jerk and he has completley changed since i spoke to him yesterday morning which is good. If it happens again I'll probably walk away because I need to concentrate on baby and ive told him i will walk away :-)

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