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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy. Fuck fuck fuck

23 replies

Jamwidge · 11/10/2013 18:13

Title says it all really, just did a test and it's positive.
I have a 9yr dd from a prev relationship and DP and I have a ds together who is 5.
Things haven't been great for a while and I have considered ending our relationship but we are currently trying to make it work.
This couldn't have come at a worse time, DP has always been adamant that he would never want more children, while I would have considered the possibility in the future but certainly not in the situation we are in now.

I don't know how it happened, we have barely had sex and I am on the pill.

Im scared to tell DP, I have no idea how he will react, DS was also unplanned and in the past during arguments he has said that he thinks I got pregnant on purpose to "trap him"
I'm worried he'll think that this is all my fault.

I feel sick, I don't think I could face a termination, but it seems the only sensible option. I just can't have another child right now.

I have no one to talk to in real life about this except DP and I'm dreading itHmm

OP posts:
SPBisResisting · 11/10/2013 18:15

I'm sorry :(
Do you think if you continue the pregnancy you will be a single parent. If that is the case then base your decision to terminate or not on that assumption.
Is there absolutely no one you could talk to in real life?

SPBisResisting · 11/10/2013 18:16

He may think you set out to 'trap' him but you know the truth. If there is blame in this situation, he is as equally to blame as you.

notanyanymore · 11/10/2013 18:18

Don't be bullied into having a termination, make your decision yourself and then tell him what it is. He can then choose what he wants to do. I've never regretted my unplanned baby, but I would have regretted a termination.

RaRa1988 · 11/10/2013 19:17

If you think your relationship would have ended soon before you found out about the pg, then make the decision purely for you and not for your 'D'P. If you don't want it/can't cope/can't afford it/etc, then you have the right/reasonable grounds etc to terminate, but don't do that because you think he'll shout/be angry/leave you - that would be a terrible reason, and you'd quite possibly end up regretting it. Make sure it's the right decision for you - and remember, you don't have to decide overnight and you don't have to tell your partner straight away either.

Original poster
Jamwidge · 11/10/2013 19:41

Thanks for your support, I'm still in shock really.
He is not going to be back until late so I am going to try and gather my thoughts tonight and talk to him at the weekend.

I wouldn't let him force me to do something I didn't want to to, I'm not particularly worried about bring a single parent either really if that's the outcome, however it does make me feel like there's even more pressure as I have to make the decision all by myself.

And I really don't know what to do for the bestHmm

OP posts:
RaRa1988 · 11/10/2013 20:12

Write a list of the pros and cons. Then order then by priority, then work out which can be overcome and how easily (ie childcare - could your parents help out?). See where that leaves you.

SPBisResisting · 11/10/2013 21:39

You need to talk to someone irl. Whatever yiu choose mn will be here to support you.

Thurlow · 11/10/2013 22:00

I agree with the pros and cons list.

Are you only a few weeks along? If so you have plenty, plenty of time to make your decision. Don't rush in to anything. Neither decision is the wrong (or right) decision.

RaRa1988 · 11/10/2013 22:18

Quite. Take your time. Don't tell your partner if you don't want to - that can come later when your head is a bit clearer. If you have Qs on abortion or unplanned pg or you want to hear other people's experiences, there are plenty of threads on both to be found on here. Do you have someone in real life - best friend perhaps - to talk to about it?

Lottystar · 13/10/2013 11:13

What a hard situation, I hope if you told him it went better than you expected.

As the other posters said, do what you feel is best for you and your family. Pls think very carefully about a termination though, as I'm sure you will, I had one in my early 20s due to a failed relationship and I regret it everyday. Good luck xx

SPBisResisting · 13/10/2013 11:14

How are you op?

Original poster
Jamwidge · 13/10/2013 17:20

Still much the same thanks, I haven't told DP yet.
He's been angry with me and kids for various other reasons so I haven't found the right time.

I don't think I can be too far along so I'm just trying to take my time and consider all the options.

OP posts:
SPBisResisting · 13/10/2013 17:35

Oh that doesn't sound nice :( I'm so sorry you're living like this

RaRa1988 · 13/10/2013 17:42

Well, technically, you have until 24 weeks if you choose termination....but it gets harder after 9 weeks (options can be more limited, time-consuming, painful, etc), and more so again after 12 weeks so bear that in mind. How far do you think is the furthest you could be?

I'm sorry your partner has been angry and difficult; you must feel like you're living on tenterhooks what with this as well. Please don't let that marr your decision though - your will find a way of raising another child alone if you choose that path. MN is here for you. Please look after yourself Flowers

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 13/10/2013 17:48

Jam

In your situation I wouldn't say anything right now. I know that will be hard, but it's what I'd do. I would want to decide what to do about the relationship independent of the pregnancy first.

I couldn't have a termination myself, but you have to do what is right for you.

Think about what you want & what is realistic. Pregnancy aside, do you want to be with this angry man? It doesn't sound like a good relationship.

I'd separate from him, then tell him I was pregnant.

Whatever you do - we're here for you.

Original poster
Jamwidge · 18/10/2013 14:22

Just a quick update, I finally told DP last night, he didn't really have much to say at the time and I said I didn't want to discuss it until he has had time to think about the news.
He has ignored me since Hmm

I went for a termination consultation today where they confirmed I was 6 weeks and talked through options, I was hoping that talking with the counsellor would help but the consultation was over quite quickly.
I'm not sure if that is the standard? I got the impression beforehand that they would offer more counselling.
I found it all quite upsetting.

Its so hard because I would dearly love to have another child but I feel selfish for even considering bringing a baby into a deteriorating relationship and would feel guilty for my other children.

I haven't actually booked a termination yet, as I still have some time to think I will contact them when I'm ready.

I think this signals the end for my relationship with DP. I hate him for making me feel like termination is the only option and for his complete lack of any practical or emotional support, especially when he could see I was upset and didn't seem to particularly care Hmm

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 18/10/2013 14:25

So sorry to hear your DP is being so unsupportive. It does sound like your relationship will bite the dust anyway as you will resent him for making you feel a termination is the only option. How would you feel about ending your relationship before you make that decision?

ChristmasPixie123 · 18/10/2013 14:26

You have to do what is right for YOU! If you want another baby then that is YOUR choice. If you can't be in a relationship with your partner then look into being a single parent? (Like what you can claim, working hours, housing etc). Do you really think you could save your relationship if you had a termination? If you don't think you could then you have to do it for you.
Thanks

CrustaceanRelation · 18/10/2013 14:32

I think it sounds as though ypur relationship os not likely to recover from this, please don't have a termination unless you feel ot is what you want to do.

plinkyplonks · 18/10/2013 14:59

If you are in any doubt, please don't do it.

Forget about your relationship for now.. relationships may come and go. But this decision will stay with you forever so you need to do what is best for you.

Good luck OP x

lottieandmia · 18/10/2013 15:25

Don't have a termination unless it is what you really want. If you do it to save your relationship it's possible that it will complicate things even more, anyway. And if your dp was a good, supportive partner he wouldn't try to force you to make a choice that you don't want.

BummyMummy77 · 18/10/2013 16:54

I would say do not go to a private clinic for a termination.

Granted I had mine 10 years ago and things have probably changed but my treatment at Marie Stopes was nothing short of horrific. NO support, NO counselling, NO aftercare and the procedure itself I can't ever talk about.

When I went to my gp after a few months and broke down and told her what had happened she said she's seen it all too often in private clinics and that the NHS treatment would have been lots better. It's just not something I even thought of. I assumed everyone went to private clinics.

She was so incensed she wanted me to sue Marie Stopes.

It really is your choice but please, if you in your heart want this baby, think VERY carefully about terminating. I did so for all the wrong reasons (lots of debt, single, Father was VERY clear he'd never want to know the child, lack of family and friend support) but I really was happy to be pregnant and wanted the baby. 10 years on I still think about it and regret it.

Mumsnet will be here for you whatever you decide to do. :)

BummyMummy77 · 18/10/2013 16:55

But that's just me and obviously you're a different person. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound pushy.

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