Dp’s during pregnancy- amazing & supportive or bit useless??!

[BurbGirl2013]

Am I being totally irrational/diva’rish/ungrateful???

But given the ever increasing bump (31+5) making it painful to even sit down let alone move and aches and pains increasing, not to mention the fact we are doing 9 months of hard graft with body changing forever, coping with mental/emotional anxiety and stresses of pregnancy- to think that my DP would plan the occasional treat?!

Have your DPs been amazing and constantly making effort with little touches/surprises to make you feel special throughout pregnancy?

Mine planned 1 amazing day of lovely treats and surprises and small pressies but since then there’s basically nothing.
When I moan he says all I do is have a go at him but doesn’t change. I've even basically hinted/suggested that breakie in bed on a tray with newspaper and maybe a rose (!) would be lovely or a massage booked for me etc. etc… nothing. He does have a very stressful/long working hrs job.

He has taken on more housework which is great but I still cook every night/do food shopping and half the chores. He keeps praising me and
Would love to hear anyone feeling similar or totally opposite and gushing about their DP or any better ways to get him to maybe plan the odd treat for me!

Mine sort of falls in the middle!!

Sometimes I wish he would help me more and I feel furious and full of anger towards him, but at other times I feel so lucky to have him.

I'm only 15 weeks but it has been a tough ride so far, for various reasons and my husband has been there for me at those times when it really matters. This included him going out on a hunt for a 24 hour Tesco at 23.10pm just to try and get me something to eat during a pause of my constant sickness.

He has his faults, but they are just the same ones he had before I got pregnant so don't really expect him to have a personality change. He is very supportive and encouraging and tells me what a good job I'm doing of growing our baby and keeping it safe. I have overheard him telling other people how brilliant he thinks I have done.

He will be a fantastic partner during the labour and I know he will be an absolutely amazing father - that's what really matters in the end

OP- you sound like a bit of a princess tbh! He's treated you, he helps around the house, he works long hours, he pays you compliments, what more do you want? Give the guy a break and try and appreciate the things he does do!

I'm not expecting a princess treatment like the OP; but I do wish there was a little bit more appreciation or indulgence.
My DH has very traditional views so he mostly sees himself as "the provider". I know he works his arse off for us, and he got me a new 7 seater car when we found out we're expecting a third.
But - with a 2yo and a 4yo who wake up at the butt crack of dawn every day, we used to have alternating lie-ins at the weekend. Now, he gets about 80% of lie-ins and moans when I get one; never mind that I never get a moment's peace with the boys and at 26w pregnant am absolutely exhausted. I do all the housework and cook for everyone every day. Granted, I don't go to work anymore, but I don't exactly see myself as a lady of leisure.
So I guess what I'd want is a bit more physical support; be it that he lets me sleep while he looks after the boys, or occasionaly changes the 2yo's nappies, or helps with bath time, etc etc.
Sorry this turned into quite a long whine, just feeling very shattered today!

After the initial shock and refusal to accept what was happening DP has been brilliant; he does more than his fair share of the cooking, has just paid off my personal loan to the value of 6k, will do housework without asking, done loads of redecoration and basically can't do enough to help me.

At times I wish he had read more about pregnancy and what I'm going through but he has been incredibly supportive and although I sometimes have to explain stuff to him about the pregnancy he will go away, think about things and then come back to discuss which means he is interested.

I don't want lots of little presents or gestures from him to show me he loves me - I know he does - and he does show me he appreciates what I am going through so who can ask for anything else?

OP I think you made need to be a Little more realistic in your expectations from this man and then you will probably be happier.

My OH isn't a gifts and flowers type of fella, never has been and I don't expect him to start while brewing a baby. However, he is being uber supportive and patient with my mood swings, lack of memory, lack of energy and daytoday anxieties. He has taken on more of the housework and is not fussy when I give him instructions on how to do the stuff I usually do.

He is generally a visual person, so if he can't see something, he finds it hard to understand the problem. For example I badly sprained my ankle a few years ago and he was incredible, when I hurt my back another and couldn't move he was also great, but as soon as the swelling went down in my leg and had the pain in my back under drug addled control (ie I could make it from a-b without crying in pain), he kind of forgot what was going on! (Out of site, out of mind :) )

So in early pregnancy when I felt sick every day for what felt like an eternity, he found it hard to relate to. Particularly as he wanted to wait until the 12 wk scan to confirm we had made it to that point. So I found that hard. But he still supported me and since then, each day he steps up his game and pays that much more attention, especially as I am the size of a small ship, moving to cruise liner over the next few weeks.

I had a bleed last week (all ok), followed by a cold which floored me and that he caught. Then my cold turned into a chest infection and he has renamed himself my nurse and keeps telling me he will report me to Matron if I don't eat my dinner, go to bed, etc. or that he will drive me to the hospital and leave me there :(

I am going back to work Monday and he knows I worried about travelling and stress levels, I fully expect Monday to be exhausting and he will be my angel.

If my consultant advises me to take the rest of my time off as sick, my DP will struggle with the idea of me not working because I am pregnant, even though he knows it is for the benefit of our baby. He also knows I would be able to be little miss housewife because that is all I would be doing and I wouldn't have the stress of a full time job to manage.

When the LO arrives, he will work with me to find a routine, responsibilities, feeding etc that suits us both and keeps him involved while he is working.

My point is that I would rather he support me and be my partner in crime/life than shower me with gifts and flowers.

Having said that he does buy me the odd chocolate bar like a kit kat or curly wurly, mostly his choice, but it reminds me he is thinking of me when he is out and about. He even keeps on top of our milk supply since he knows I drink gallons of the stuff and depend on it.

He pays attention to my updates about the baby 'this week' and tries to understand all the medical stuff so we can make decisions together.

Let's see if he keeps this up a few months after the baby has joined us and I don't need a crane to get up the stairs or turn over in bed :)

DH has been great this time. He tried to be helpful the first time but was just a bit clueless - he did lots of reading about babies though. This time he has just taken on extra caring for DD so I can have more rest.

It does actually say in my notes from DD's birth that DH was present and incredibly supportive throughout. He was very proud to find that out.

I think you are being a bit diva-ish OP to be honest.

My DH has taken on much more of the chores, driving, gives me a massage when my back is aching and is generally very sympathetic and understanding about all of the horrific pregnancy symptoms I have suffered and tries to make sure I am always comfortable. He also is very interested in the pregnancy, reads all the books and talks to and strokes the bump all the time. I never expected him to be so supportive and enthusiastic tbh!!!

I would rather have things like that than a rose in bed which is basically a clichéd movie trope and doesn't exactly mean anything!

My DH is neither, but leaning towards useless. He is very concerned and attentive in an abstract way but when it comes to concrete help, there isn't much. He's under a lot of stress tying to finish his PhD before the baby comes, and this baby was unplanned, but it's definitely the little things.

The worst thing is when you've been on your feet cooking for 3+ hours and the table is all laid, you sit down to eat and take your first bite, and he asks you to go get him a drink/sauce/pepper, as though pregnant women are the only people in the house who have legs. Arghhh!

Last week I had a bleed and went to hospital to get checked over. They told me to take it easy and not to over exert myself for the next month, but DH thinks sex every night is the least I should be doing. He also thinks I made up being told to rest, and won't let me get a birthing ball because it will take up space and make him stressed, and they obviously aren't necessary anyway.

He knows better than to try and buy me presents because I always hate them.

The worst thing is when you've been on your feet cooking for 3+ hours and the table is all laid, you sit down to eat and take your first bite, and he asks you to go get him a drink/sauce/pepper, as though pregnant women are the only people in the house who have legs. Arghhh!

Please, please tell me you tell him to get off his arse and get it himself. I can't believe any adult would ever ask another adult to get them something they can get themselves

Altered, I think you have to tell him to fuck off, literally, where nightly sex is concerned if you've just had a bleed and need to rest! Don't you be spending 3h cooking, either, ffs - do quick meals! And if he doesn't like it, guess what - HE can do some of the cooking.
As for the birthing ball taking up too much space and "making him stressed" - well, words fail me.

Sex every night - really??? DH was lucky to get it more than twice after I was in the 2nd trimester - acid reflux, SPD and total lack of interest kind of put paid to it. Plus he had Issues about it, which was a relief for me! (Same as the guy in Knocked Up, in case you're wondering).

Altered IT sounds like your husband is having a bit of a tantrum-y freakout about your needs. Please assert your rights and wants here :(

I'm with Toby and Green on this one - DH is usually lovely but when I'm pregnant I just adore him that little bit more.

He's not known for cheesy gestures (breakfast in bed with a rose, would that really make you happy OP?) but he shelters me from stress and worry, shoulders responsibility, steps up and covers chores if I'm not up to it, listens to me and generally gives me mountains of moral support. He's definitely the practical, pragmatic type.

Above all, after being fairly unemotional about the foetus during pregnancy, he becomes the most amazing father. And THAT'S why I'm having another child with him.

Toby Thumbwitch and Julieteethe three hours plus cooking is not a regular occurrence, hence me being so put out.I have a saint for a mother in law, so DH has grown up very spoiled. However, we have made some progress! Now anything he wants must be requested before I sit down, he clears the table and also makes tea and coffee.

In regards to sex, I do tell him where to go, he just tends not to be too happy about it. I also communicated...ummm...clearly to him yesterday that I was getting a birthing ball. So thngs are better all round. It seems like very small things, but to tbh I knew what he was like when I married him (young and naïve and all that) so I can't expect a 180 degree shift now.

Sorry for hijacking OP.

Like others have said, it sounds like your DH is doing his best but perhaps has a different understanding of your needs and wants. I always find the best treats are the ones I plan and do myself or with friends. Could you let him know that on x day you want to do something special and get him to agree to take on childcare/house stuff for that day?

Oh, love. Please tell him to get his own drinks before dinner. Don't let him 'request' things from you before you sit down. Don't turn into his mum!

Glad you're getting your birthing ball regardless :)

If my dh requested me to get anything whilst I'm the size of a whale and in constant discomfort or pain carrying OUR child he'd quite rightly expect it flung at his head.

He's in my good books today as he read to me for three hours last night after I'd had a screaming nightmare.

If my dh requested me to get anything at any time while he has working arms and legs he'd quite rightly expect it flung at his head.

Fixed your post :o

Good fix.

I requested yesterday that he wipe me after I'd done a pee. He asked if I couldn't reach anymore to which I said I was having trouble but actually I'd just done my nails.

My dh confuses me, as depending on the time of day I may adore or hate him! He doesn't want me doing any housework yet he's not really getting to it himself, he'll do it in his own time so rather than wait I'll just do it. No big treats or surprises but that wouldn't enter his head and I don't expect it either. Would be over the moon if he'd clean the house without being asked a million times but sadly I doubt that'll ever happen.

Toby - absolutely!