Death in family when newborn 8 days old

[Kelly1814]

Our baby daughter was born a month premature by c section 13 days ago. When she was 8 days old, FIL died suddenly. Complete shock and DH heartbroken, they were v close.

We live overseas so he will travel back to the uk for the funeral. I am not fit to fly yet and neither is the baby as she was early and still very tiny.

Any tips on how to help DH grieve whilst also keeping some joy in our lives? We were enjoying such a happy baby bubble until this happened, now (understandably) there is so much sadness and i don't want this to completely overshadow what should be such a happy time.

Also, any reassurances that I will be able to cope with a newborn on my own for a week would be most welcome!

How far will he have to travel? If they were close, your Dh is going to have to mourn and the sooner he can do that, the sooner he will be back with you and your precious one.

We all cope in different ways and I don't have any personal experience, but if I were in your position I would be taking a gazzilion pictures and videos of your little one so your Dh can keep part of the baby's development. You will need to be strong and try not to let your DH feel guilty for taking the time to say goodbye to his dad.

I am sorry I am not much help and I hope things go smoothly. And congratulations on your little one. Perhaps print a nice pic for your DH to take to his dad when he says goodbye.

Congratulations on your arrival, and sorry for your loss. What a confusing time it must be for you all.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure what to say except to take the days one day at a time. Your baby will bring you all delight, and that will help,the grieving process. However, if your husband needs space to mourn, then respect that. Don't feel guilty if you are enjoying your baby at this difficult time.

I'm sure others will give you far better advice.

Pink witch - the photo idea is lovely.

Also, forgot to add you will cope with your newborn. If it means not getting dressed to lunch, or leaving the washing up, so be it. Having a new baby means that the old rules go out of the window, and a new routine will slowly develop.

Also, are there any neighbors, friends, health visitors who can support you.

My advice is to go with the flow, there's no right or wrong, and try to get outside and get some fresh air every day.

Thank you for the supportive messages and lovely ideas re pics etc.

Completely agree I don't want him to feel guilty about travelling so am keeping quiet about any fears of being on my own with the baby. Tbh as long as the fridge is fully stocked I'm sure ill be fine.

Friends have offered to help so I will probably request meals...I don't feel I can get them to do night feeds when they have to get up to work.

It's around 8 hours flight away, he'll probably be gone for a week. It's only a week I keep saying to myself....I just wish I could be with him to support him, and to take some of the pain away.

Kelly, so sorry to hear about the death of your FIL and congrats on the new baby. You are there to support him and help him grieve, even if you're not physically with him: don't worry.

My DH's mum died quite a few years ago now but I vividly remember the worry I felt that I wasn't doing enough to help him at the time. However, looking back on it, the few weeks following the death were just the beginning of the process and he kept very busy, helping sort out funeral arrangements etc. I think my support was most helpful to him in the longer term, when things calmed down and he started processing the emotions of grief beyond the initial shock. That's when we could start having little chats about his mum and if he just wanted a little cry it was ok and I'd be there to cuddle him if he needed it.

In terms of looking after yourself and your lovely new baby other posters have given great advice, definitely get friends to help you and take each minute as it comes. Don't expect too much of yourself and go with the flow.

Hope everything goes ok. You're not alone, we are here hand-holding at this difficult time.

Kelly Firt, congratilations. I am so sorry to hear the sad news so soon after the birth. I am unsure how to advise but I couldn't read and run. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Congratulations on your baby. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your FIL.

DH's sister died six weeks before our first DC was born. It meant a strange mix of emotions for DH and the entire family. Seven years (tomorrow) on, I can see that DD's arrival was a blessing in that there was some joy in those terrible, terrible days. But it was, of course, so hard.

What helped was us all acknowledging that it's OK to have this mix of feelings. It's alright to be sad when your baby reaches a milestone because X is not here and it's so so raw.

Not sure I've helped but I wanted to reach out. Hope you are doing alright (also, this hurts you, not just DH so remember to be kind to yourself as well).

So sorry for your loss, I don't have much experience in losing close relatives, but my ds was about a month early and on that note, you absolutely will cope, enjoy all the help you are offered, when people pop round grab a shower then, ask them to help with food, including making drinks, rest as much as possible, I used to read lots to ds when he was awake because it turned out he seemed to enjoy it, get a few books ready near where you feed and some bottles of water.
Tiny babies are tiring but equally wonderful and great for cuddles, please ignore anyone who makes any unhelpful comments along the lines of making a rod for your own back!

What a confusing mix of emotions for you and DH. im very sorry, it must be a very strange time. You'll be absolutely fine with your newborn. Lots of DVD box sets, walks in the park etc. only danger is getting lonely/ attack of the baby blues. Is there no way you can go? Newborns will generally sleep through a flight (you just feed them on take off and landing to avoid their ears aching) and I travelled very soon after a c section and it was honestly fine. x x

Thanks again all. Our baby was delivered a month early and soent time in NICU due to IUGR, and was also measuring a month behind, just 4 pounds at 36 weeks, so technically the size of a 7 monther. She is a very cute tiddler!

Consultant advised to keep her trips outside to a minimum until at least term and ideally 43 weeks as her immune system needs some time. Am really not convinced a long haul flight with all associated bugs etc is a good idea. She has a check up this week so I will double check.

Firstly congratulations and lovely to hear your baby is now doing well. I'm sorry for your loss too - what a shock.

My mum died two months before my DS was born. My DH has been amazing since - he's helped me cry, laugh and seems to understand why my mood can go from happy to sad in a split second. Let your DH express emotion as he wants to. You'll know him best and whether he needs lots of affection or to be left alone. You'll both muddle through.

You'll also muddle through the time he's not physically with you! The days and nights will most likely fly by. Cuddle your baby lots and do not feel bad if you don't get dressed or simply change pjs on a day. Take up your friends' offers of help - they can bring you DVDs, food, company and hold baby for half an hour while you shower! Nap when baby naps (I spent the first month or so alternating pjs and falling asleep with baby on my chest).

Hope it goes well.

Thanks Katrin. My DH is a Yorkshireman and has closed himself off completely, literally locked away in his home office and not interacting or communicating at all. I have no idea what is happening or when he will be travelling as he just won't and can't talk about it. He knows I'm here so I'm just waiting it out.

I can't help but feel resentful (not at him or FIL I hasten to add, more the universe in general) that our beautiful time with our new daughter has been affected like this.

He was so doting and in love with her before, now he's distanced and its so sad to see. We had a horrendously stressful pregnancy, with a cerclage, Pre term labour, thought we were going to lose her so many times. She's such a little miracle and deserves to be celebrated and enjoyed.

Thank you all so much for your support.

Hi Kelly, how are you and your DH?

Have been thinking of you quite a bit and I fully understand why you feel resentful. It's normal I think, or at least I also felt like that when my DS was born and will most likely feel that way at Christmas. It's just not fair is it? And yes, it's ok to want to shout and stamp your foot at the injustice of it all (I know that sounds glib but I think you might know what I mean).

Are you able to go to your DH with a cup of tea and a biscuit whilst your DD is asleep and have a chat about how much she needs her dad? Not pressuring him but more to say that cuddles with her might help him feel a bit more normal.

Part of the problem is at the moment he's not had the manic arranging the funeral, sorting out invites and flowers and sandwiches side of things, which keeps you busy in those first weeks. So he's staying quiet in his land of shock.

Hope you are doing ok and do let us know when he is away so you can be supported.

Hi karin. Things not good to be honest. I had a meltdown yesterday after three straight nights of night feeding, forced him to take the baby for a night so I could get some sleep.

I have tried to talk to him and say that the baby could bring him comfort and that she needs and loves him, he's just not interested. Even as we speak is in another room and has been all night. I know he's heart broken and if just the two of us I could accept it but we have a baby now and we need him too. Oh and I'm recovering from a c secton which hasn't been a complete walk in the park.

The funeral isn't for another week, he'll be gone for a week. I wish it was sooner.

Thanks so much for the support. I know exactly what you mean about the foot stamping