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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Partner not stepping up to the mark

15 replies

Firstbaby30 · 20/09/2013 20:09

Hi. I'm sorry, but I need to vent, and hopefully get some advice.

I am currently pregnant with my first, and very much wanted baby.
The problem is, my partner (who asked me to get pregnant sooner then later) is full of promises about how he is going to provide for the baby, but he doesn't seem to be delivering anything. Therefore, I have had to pay what I can, on my own, for the majority of what the baby will need, as I'm sick of listening to his excuses.
I don't know what to do, I don't need the added stress. And it's not good for my baby.

I guess my question is, what do I do?

OP posts:

Lj8893 · 20/09/2013 20:33

Do you not live together?

Me and my partner share our money, we pay what we need to pay and then whatever's left over is shared between us. So although I have done the physical buying of important baby bits, I haven't had the financial fall. and my mum has actually bought most of it

How's your finances going to work when baby is here? I would sit down with him and have a serious conversation about your finances.

jkklpu · 20/09/2013 20:36

This is hard. How many weeks are you? How much have you actually bought? It's quite easy to be lulled into thinking that you "need" a million things for a new baby when, in fact, you don't need that much. Some clothes, somewhere for it to sleep and a sling/pram to go out and about. Most of these things can be bought second-hand so you don't need to spend a fortune.

It often takes the father of a baby much longer to get to grips with the idea - it's not growing inside him, after all, so he can't feel any of the changes going on.

Can you discuss how you feel?

NatashaBee · 20/09/2013 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Firstbaby30 · 20/09/2013 21:40

I'm 22 weeks, so have plenty of time. We live together, but I don't get any money from my partner as he has a couple of loans to clear, which doesn't leave him too independent.
I don't mind helping him out by paying the household bills for a while, thats what couples do. I guess i just feel like he's taking the mickey out of me now.

I've bought the pram, car seat, isofix base, a few newborn clothes, and there's a deposit on the cot and mattress.

Surely a MAN should WANT to provide for his baby, and would take a second job if necessary?!

OP posts:

rallytog1 · 20/09/2013 22:14

I know this is a silly question but have you sat down together so you can tell him exactly what you need him to do and contribute? It really does sound like he could and should do more, but I think sometimes we do expect our other halves to be mind readers when we actually need to be clearer with them about what we need from them.

Incidentally, apart from a car seat and cot mattress, you don't need to buy all your baby kit brand new. If finances are tight, you can get things second-hand or even borrow stuff from people who've already had children. My DD's room is furnished with a chest of drawers that I appropriated from my mum's kitchen and a cot borrowed from a friend - it's not like she knows the difference!

So don't feel like you have to get bogged down in buying stuff - you can do it cheaply and at 22 weeks you have plenty of time to kick your partner into contributing more.

Lj8893 · 20/09/2013 22:16

I think you need to have a sit down with him and a serious talk.

Write a list, together, of what you need to get for the baby and cross off the bits you have already bought. Hopefully this will get him to realise this is real! And then be firm with him, tell him what he needs to buy from the list. When you know he has money ( payday etc) go to mothercare or whatever baby shop you choose, get what you need to get (you don't need much more tbh) and make it very clear he is paying.

Like another poster said, because its not "happening" to them, sometimes men don't get the urgency of it that makes sense. My dp is brilliant but I'm the organised one in our relationship, he's happy to buy anything but wouldn't actually use any initiative to do it on his own, he wouldn't have a clue!

Lj8893 · 20/09/2013 22:16

X post with rallytog1

Rockchick1984 · 21/09/2013 02:57

I'm going against the grain here but honestly if he's not got any free cash then why should he be paying for everything? If I had more disposable income than DH I would expect to buy the stuff, I wouldn't be taking about making him get a second job!!

However, your income is obviously going to drop once you start mat leave, so I do think you need to sit down together and figure out how the finances will work then.

Totesamazeballs · 21/09/2013 06:50

Am I right in thinking that you wouldn't mind paying for stuff if your partner was making an effort to provide, but its the lack of bother that concerns you?

I think that you have to be honest with him and say you are disappointed or your resentment will build and you really dont need to be holding a grudge when baby arrives, you will have enough to cope with...and so will he. tempers flare with sleep deprivation! He might not realise you feel like this...sometimes you only see what you want to see.

Do you guys have a joint account? You could perhaps both agree to contribute a certain percentage for baby stuff/ maternity leave. Keep the rest of your money individually.

Cjilly · 21/09/2013 07:53

I agree with jkklpu it definitely does take men longer to come to terms with it as it isn't growing inside of them.

My DH (DB at the time) didn't buy a thing(he needed) even when DS was born, just a teddy bear and flowers for me. My dad had to have a word with him and he realised that it was his responsibility and not just mine. He cringes when I mention it now though.

Try to involve him as much as you can. Maybe have him take bump pictures or something? Anything to make him feel involved he's a part of it too. Also ask him to get xyz instead of getting it yourself, if he doesn't then mention it again "Have you managed to find a cute one? shall we go together? it would be fun" or something similar. We have to remember that men aren't mind readers (although that'll help in some cases) so we can't assume they know how we feel and are just ignoring it. If you don't talk to him and be honest, without nagging, then he'll be none the wiser

I'm pregnant with DC2 and DH is totally different now.

Xenadog · 21/09/2013 08:32

Sit him down, show him receipts, explain you will be on maternity pay very shortly which for most isn't the same as a regular salary and then tell him he needs to be a parent and step up.

I wouldn't be pussy footing around this one - you don't need the extra stress and it took two to make the baby so two have to pay for it.

If he doesn't have the cash for whatever reason then ask him how he is going to pay for things when the baby is here and suggest a second job. Obviously if you are comfortably off by your own salary then maybe things are not quite so " desperate" and he can contribute but just not as much as you do. In my situation DP has bought some of the more expensive stuff but I have bought lots of the cheaper bits. He earns more than me though and is well off in comparison. I still pay and contribute as much as I can so its not a case of it having to be a 50/50 split but I would say its as fair as it can be. H knows he will have to support me when on mat leave - we are a unit/family now so we work together and I think that's the point you need to put to your DP.

I hope you get the result you want, OP.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 21/09/2013 08:53

You really need to be completely clear on what is going on financially - both of you, as everyone says.

Get all the pay slips and bills out for both of you and work out a proper budget and how your joint expenses (ie the baby!) are going to be paid for in the future. Even if it's a case of p not contributing, or contributing a small amount to a joint account until his debt is cleared (having worked out exactly what date that will be)

If there really is very little cash between you, look into second hand and what friends/familys kids have outgrown and no longer need.

TobyLerone · 21/09/2013 10:13

It's nothing to do with being a MAN and a MAN having to PROVIDE for his baby.

But you both definitely need to budget properly. If you're the only person with disposable income at the moment, it looks like it'll have to be 'your' money which pays for it.

Stom91 · 21/09/2013 12:12

We bought all our stuff second hand the only thing I'm buying new is the cot mattress and bottles.
Everything else I've gotten from carboot sales or online or from friends... We haven't spend much... About £300 altogether.
So. Its do able...

Good. Luck and make sure you talk to dp else it'll just make you more annoyed xx

Pancakeflipper · 21/09/2013 12:16

Do a spreadsheet on baby things together and look at it together in black and white and sort it together.

Not romantic but at least he will see what is wanted and what it costs.

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