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Original poster

Attending a wedding after birth - mad?

24 replies

SmallOrangeGiraffe · 20/09/2013 09:36

Hi, some friends of ours is getting married 4 weeks after my due date, venue is about 2.5 hours drive away, thats if traffic is good - date of wedding is 28th Dec - so slap bang in the middle of xmas, where people are normally seeing family and friends etc.

Our 3 year old has been asked to be bridesmaid and I stupidily said yes without really thinking about it - this was approx 4 months ago (they only got engaged in May so planning a wedding quickly etc - they're not very organised and haven't even sent out the invites yet! But that's a different story)

Am I mad to even consider going? As we'll have to rush back to spend time/xmas with step kids, will have a 5 and 3 year old, and the baby could potentially be 2 wks late (being just 2 weeks old), or even delivered by cesarean (not had one before so not sure how sore/difficult recovery etc is).

We could obviously stay in the hotel, but just thinking what a faff it is re trying to sterilise bottles (have a microwave steriliser not a plug in one) and all other gubbins that goes with a newborn, 4 hours sleep a night etc etc, as well as 2 other little ones. Plus we'll have to rush back to spend xmas time with family etc.

Think I will feel really bad about saying no, now that I've said yes to daughter being a bridesmaid, the dress has been bought - but I'd obviously refund for that, as really I don't think I should've agreed to it in hindsight!

What are your thoughts?

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CrispyFB · 20/09/2013 09:41

Wellll.. I would go. But then I am a masochist and also an idiot so I'm probably not the best person to ask!

After having DC1, I was at a wedding 10 days later, but it was a normal birth. I was breastfeeding as well and DC in a sling, so had no need to bring along anything other than a changing bag. Also I was only a guest - no other obligations.

I've been out shopping within a few days of a c-section, but this is not advisable! Was fine though. I think by two weeks you feel a lot better with a c-section but obviously not up to running marathons or anything. If you're gentle you can get around.

googietheegg · 20/09/2013 09:50

I would cancel now by saying you're getting stressed about it all working out.

snickersnacker · 20/09/2013 09:51

I couldn't have gone to a wedding 2-4 weeks after my birth.

If you really don't want to let down your friend, I would suggest that your partner attend the ceremony with your bridesmaid daughter. Alternatively, you mentioned bottles - if you're not bfing could partner look after baby in the room while you attend ceremony with older DC? Then home after ceremony and don't go to reception?

But you really don't have to go. Does your friend have children? I'm sure she'll understand.

googietheegg · 20/09/2013 09:51

Btw lots of people will come on here saying 'I did the ultra marathon eight minutes after I had triplets' but just do what feels right for you. I just wanted to look at dd and eat cake for about three months tbh.

EmB1715 · 20/09/2013 09:52

you won't know how you feel until closer to the time, however if you agreed to your DD being a bridesmaid it makes it a more limited choice! I wouldn't bother with staying in a hotel, just do the drive there and leave early (after cutting of cake, first dance etc). I'm sure the couple will understand. Also, I got married on 28th December last year, it's an amazing time for a wedding, great atmosphere :)

WentOnABearHunt · 20/09/2013 09:59

i would probably go... then again i am getting married myself 5 weeks after my due date... then again i am barking mad!

If i was the bride I would understand you not going.... although they did ask you for months ago... and you agreed, and you will have known both the date of the wedding and your due date at the time of accepting. As for the bottles etc... you could buy a box of the pre made bottles to take with you, the little glass ones?

Ultimately its up to you... I don't think it would be unreasonable not to go, but if you are going to make that decision let her know soon :)

Editededition · 20/09/2013 10:02

All may be well, but I think that you need to keep an open mind and an open plan. If you were going to change your mind and withdraw your DD from the ceremony, then the time to do it was probably as soon as you knew when the baby was due.

Expect to go, and if its too much then send your DH with the children and enjoy a day of peace with your new LO.
2.5 hrs drive really isn't a major distance - I used to do it regularly with DC's (from birth) as a day return, just to spend the time with close family.

Hotels are usually very helpful - if asked nicely, I am fairly sure they would let you run the m/w steriliser in their kitchens! Just spot a helpful looking receptionist, and cross your fingers she is a Mum!!

Peacenquiet2 · 20/09/2013 10:25

Hi op, i went away when my ds was only 2 weeks old and stayed in a hotel for 5 days. It did mean taking bottles/steriliser/nappies etc, but was okay. My dd was a bridesmaid last year for my neice and i didnt have to do anythin other than put her dress on and do her hair which id do daily anyway.
I did have a pretty normal birth apart from epesiotomy which made sitting for long periods pretty uncomfortable, and i was tired, but id have been tired and in pain at home to.
I would'nt cancel if i were you, im on dc 3 and if i knew now i was going to a wedding four weeks after and i was having normal birth, etc, i would plan on being there.
Of course if things arent so straight forward and you dont find you feel up to it once baby arrives then explain this to your friend. 4 weeks is plenty of time for her to find a stand in bridesmaid and as she is your friend she should understand.

Thurlow · 20/09/2013 10:30

I'm not sure I would have been up to it then - you know the drill, you could have had stitches or a cs, you could go two weeks over so only have a brand spanking new baby etc. But obviously your daughter wants to be bridesmaid and that's such an exciting thing at that age.

Is there anyone else from yours or your DH's family who could go in your place if you don't feel up to it?

LunaticFringe · 20/09/2013 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flibbertyjibbet · 20/09/2013 10:39

Agree with the suggestion of 'committing' your partner and daughter to attend. Say that you don't know how you will feel, overdue/csection/millions of stitches etc. If they need to know 'numbers' then if you are up to it you could do the ceremony then rest at the hotel while they have a sit down meal and join them again later.

Personally with the births of my two, I would not have gone. (1 was 2 weeks late ventouse with stitches practically from my navel to shoulder blades , the other a large baby by csection after which I was very sore for several weeks and could not have sat in a car that long in one day.

But don't spoil your daughters chance of being a bridesmaid!! I was never a bridesmaid till I was 30 something and was raging with jealousy aged 10 when my little sister was chosen to be the one bridesmaid out of all the girl cousins when my oldest cousin got married!

Andanotherthing123 · 20/09/2013 11:40

A few years ago I would have tried to go, but these days I'm all in for an easier life and in your situation would say no, because I'd find the looming stress hard to live with. When I got married I would have totally understood if someone didn't feel they could come to my wedding and wouldn't have minded if my god daughter couldn't be bridesmaid because her mum had just given birth. There's so much going on with weddings that one guest not being there doesn't really make much difference, IMO.

Go for what your comfortable with!

MirandaWest · 20/09/2013 11:42

I could have done it fine with DD. With DS would have been difficult if not impossible.

MummyLuce · 20/09/2013 14:21

Yeah I would defo go! I had a c section and went to one 10 days after the birth. Nice excuse to show off newborn baby, have a glass of fizz, get out the house, dress up and look nice after all the pregnancy bore.

MummyLuce · 20/09/2013 14:30

...to be fair though, I was so overdue and massive and fed up during my last month of pregnancy that as soon as my DD was born, I demanded to be discharged after 20 hours (despite c section due to big baby) and newborn and I raced immediately off to Selfridges on Oxford Street do some shopping! ( I also ignored most of the other advice about resting and not lifting and not dtd). If you really don't feel up to it don't feel bad about it, but yeah agree with others, arrange so the little bridesmaid can have her moment!

superzero · 20/09/2013 14:39

As long as your DP is totally on board,should be ok.I say this because if you had a c-section,you'd be hands-off the 3 yr old whilst it all heals so he would have to look after her.A 2.5 hour car journey with a newborn could take quite a bit longer if have to stop to feed/wind/change.But in some ways newborns are the easiest to take anywhere because unless they have reflux or something unexpected they are really very easy to look after.I'd be more worried about managing the 3 year old.
I flew to a wedding with my baby 3 weeks after a section ,managed fine & really enjoyed it and I think I could have done it with any of my 3 at 2 weeks old.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/09/2013 14:44

I attended one wedding 4 weeks before my due date with ds2, and another one 4 weeks after my due date - ds2 was just over a week early, so he was 5 weeks old when we went to the second wedding - which involved a 7-and-a-half hour train trip from London to Aberdeen.

I didn't have any problems at all - ds2 breastfed his way up the East Coast Main line, and got lots and lots of cuddles at the hen night and the wedding. In fact, I nearly kidnapped one of the hen night guests, who watched me feed ds2 constantly for 2 hours, then took him firmly away from me, said she would cuddle him for a while and I was to have a rest - and then she swaddled him and cuddled him to sleep, and he slept from 9pm until 8am the next day!!! If I had had the choice, I would have taken her home instead of dh!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/09/2013 14:47

I should have said - ds1 was about 22 months old at the time of the second wedding. It did help that dh was very hands on with the children, so I never felt I was having to cope on my own, away from home.

TobyLerone · 21/09/2013 10:26

I'd go. And I'd definitely arrange to stay in the hotel, so that you can escape whenever you want.

You can sterilise bottles in cold water.

sleepyhead · 21/09/2013 10:32

I could easily have managed after ds2 was born but would have struggled after ds1 I think. You just don't know.

I agree with the possible compromise of dh taking your other children so if you stay at home you just have the baby to look after. If you feel up to it nearer the time you could go too.

KatAndKit · 21/09/2013 12:41

I would say that you would like to go (so long as you do actually want to go), but you can't promise to be there as you don't know when the birth will be or how you and the baby will be doing. If you go overdue and have a c section you may even not be discharged from the midwife by that point (not that you would be confined to barracks anyway).

It would be a shame for your DD not to be a bridesmaid so I'd agree to her doing that so long as your DH takes her and your 5 year old too.
If you are up to going with the baby, you can take cartons of ready made formula. Depending on how much he/she drinks, you may even get by with those little 3 ounce ready made bottles so no need to worry about sterilising bottles. However, you can buy sterilising tablets so all you would need would be a big plastic container full of cold water to put bottles in. You can even get those SMA ready to feed disposable bottles but a newborn would waste at least half of each bottle as they are massive.

The sleep thing is an arse, the trouble is when the baby wakes up there is a good chance of the other children in the room waking up too and then nobody is happy, but that's life really when you stay in a hotel room with kids unless you get two rooms and divide and conquer.

If you absolutely don't want to have to even think about the hassle you could just apologise profusely and say no, offering to refund the money for the dress. Does she have other child bridesmaids? If she has several then one fewer is not the end of the world unless she is a big bridezilla.

Andanotherthing123 · 21/09/2013 14:18

Just wanted to add that my goddaughter was 3 when she was my bridesmaid and she can't remember the wedding at all...don't feel bad if she doesn't get to do it.xx

katebakes · 21/09/2013 14:34

I wouldn't go but then again I'm a first timer so really don't even want to leave the house after he's born :D

Also the snow issue around that time scares me a little - what if the roads are icy etc do to really want to be driving all that way?

I would honestly stay home with my family and not put myself through all that stress but if you do, good luck :)

Xmasbaby11 · 21/09/2013 22:27

I wouldn't even try to go. It would not be priority for me. They will understand, even though you've said you were going, it's not going to make any difference to them practically speaking, even though they will miss you. But then, weddings are not really a big deal to me. I had a friend in a similar situation who didn't come to my wedding and it didn't even occur to me she might try to come.

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