Pregnant with planned #4, extended family will be unimpressed.

[CrispyFB]

We always said we would have four children. The theoretical ideal plan was to have them roughly two years apart, and miscarriage and fertility issues aside (took 13 cycles, surgery and plenty of tests for this one) we've sort of managed that because if this one works out, DC1 will be 7.5 years old when this one is born. We never made a secret of wanting four children close together, but haven't gone on about it or anything.

Over the last few years FIL (who has two) has been banging on telling us how "you're not going to have any more" and "three is a good number". And my own mother (who has three) who knows we were trying, keeps sharing Facebook links about overpopulation, and World Vasectomy Day.

Both lots of parents live at least 300 miles away, I see my mother (father has passed away) once every 1-2 years as she can never get it together to come visit so it's up to us (costs us thousands in cottage rental), and the in-laws a few times a year as they tend to come down to visit us more. They babysit for an evening maybe once a year, so how many children we have is totally not an issue for them. Or maybe selfishly they don't want a slightly harder job for a few hours once a year looking after their own grandchildren. Who behave for them, but anyway..!

We are also in the lucky position due to DH's career of not claiming any benefits and are entirely self-supporting in a big enough house, so not an issue there either. I'm currently a SAHM although will return to my own career eventually, and I cope reasonably well already with zero practical support from others. Four will be a challenge but I don't think it will break me especially as the oldest two are now at school and the third in nursery a few days a week.

I get my NT scan and Harmony results on Friday. If all looks good then it will theoretically be time to tell.

I don't want to. I want to have this baby and they not find out until they eventually visit and find an extra baby living with us.

I hate that this poor baby is already unwanted by its grandparents. They were thrilled with our first, pleased with our second, kind of "oh that's nice" with our third.. I know how this will go given their attitudes.

I know MIL will be pleased but she is the only one!! And we can't tell her and expect her to keep it a secret from FIL!

For what it's worth, we kept DC3 a secret from everyone except extended family and close friends until the birth, because he screened positive and we were waiting it out and I wanted to announce with the full facts. So I'm fine at keeping this sort of secret from most people.

But is it too much to keep it from our family? I just don't feel they deserve to know and I don't want to deal with their reactions at what should be a really happy time for us.

Anyone else had to deal with telling (for any number!) when you know extended family didn't want you to have another? How did it go?

We are only on number one so this hasn't been an issue, but if you don't want to tell them for now, then don't. It's entirely up to you - and yes, this should be a happy time for you, so don't let them ruin that.

I envy you - I always wanted four, but since it took 18 months to conceive this one and I've had HG, I've changed my plans somewhat :)

Congratulations!

Thanks!! I just figure it is harder to be grumpy about a cute squidgy little baby in your face, than it is about a pregnancy announced at a distance if you know what I mean.

Ugh, HG - isn't it funny how it can completely change the way you think about pregnancy when you have it! I've been very lucky not to have it, but even the all day intense nausea I do get has made me seriously consider not having another each time. I also get SPD very badly, needing a wheelchair by the end, thankfully I do recover post birth. Yet weirdly I "forget" how bad it all was and throw myself into pregnancy again a few years later. I've heard people who have had HG say the same so I guess you never know how you may feel in a few years! The IF is another issue though

Yes, people do say that about the forgetting! I'd go through it again, I guess, but not sure how people cope with a child to look after at the same time (I know they do though!)

The only thing is it sounds like you might have to tell your ILs before cute squidgy baby arrives as presumably they will see you in an obviously pregnant state? But if your MIL will be happy and it's only FIL that's going to be a grump about it, I wouldn't have thought that'd be too bad?

Tell them but state clearly how happy you are, that the bay was planned and much loved. You would think FIL is going to have to go through labour himself he as such an opinion!!

Stop his newsfeed from yours on facebook.

At least you rarely see them.

Heh.. you cope because you have to I believe, and have no choice!! I have made judicious use of nursery, babysitter TV and DH working from home a bit more than usual Thankfully the all day nausea has gone at last.. just waiting for the SPD to show up now..!

Yes, I remembered after I posted that we're scheduled to go visit the ILs end of next month on one of our rare trips up there. I'm already showing, although funnily enough I'll be less pregnant when I see them than I was when I was there when pregnant with DS. Somehow they hadn't spotted my bump (I was 20 weeks and I always show a LOT!) until nearly 36 hours after we'd arrived, and even then it was only because we told them (had been waiting for the right moment!) So they can be a bit unobservant. I am just not sure I could get away with it for a whole five days though! Unless I didn't go, but that would seem weird and it's nice to get away for a break anyway - I get on fine with him otherwise, he's a good person in general - it's just this!

And yep, mrspaddy - I was beginning to think that! I'd have a lot more sympathy with him if he was regularly babysitting and even then it is still not his business! I have actually said as much quite recently to him which is very much out of character for me as I am normally very much a people-pleaser. But being 10 weeks pregnant at the time with his grandchild kind of triggered that response..!

Am tempted to block him, but he would immediately notice unfortunately. Causing even more drama!

Hi op, for what it's worth, I think if you don't tell your DM/ILs then you might unintentionally validate their feelings, as they will know that you are thinking about their disaproval and have changed your actions as a result. They don't deserve any special treatment-their views are (IMO) ridiculous and if they can't be pleased to receive the amazing, precious gift of a fourth grandchild, then there really isn't anything you can do about it.

I'm one of four and my siblings are still the best gifts my parents ever gave me. I love the fact that when life gets hard, I've got three people I can call on who'll love and help me. You are giving your children that gift which is bloody marvellous and you should feel very proud of yourself.

Many congratulations on your pregnacy!

Hi op, for what it's worth, I think if you don't tell your DM/ILs then you might unintentionally validate their feelings, as they will know that you are thinking about their disaproval and have changed your actions as a result. They don't deserve any special treatment-their views are (IMO) ridiculous and if they can't be pleased to receive the amazing, precious gift of a fourth grandchild, then there really isn't anything you can do about it.

I'm one of four and my siblings are still the best gifts my parents ever gave me. I love the fact that when life gets hard, I've got three people I can call on who'll love and help me. You are giving your children that gift which is bloody marvellous and you should feel very proud of yourself.

Many congratulations on your pregnacy!

I have jut had baby number 5 :) third boy in 3 years too :) my family weren't overly impressed, but you know what its our life, we work, we pay bills and provide for our children so its really not up to them to be impressed or not ! and funnily enough now he's here they are all over him :) tell them, be proud, and don't concern yourself about what they think :)

I had an unwelcome response from FIL this time round ("Oh. Was it planned?") because he thinks two DC is the right number. But he has come round to it.

If you aren't asking for their help (financial or practical) then it's none of their business and the only response is "how lovely".

I've just told my family Im expecting my 6th dc...

Everyone in my family only have 2 dc so they really don't get why anyone would have more then 2 dc. They dont live near us or help in any way.

The poster that said by delaying announcing the pregnancy reinforces their views of the pregnancy being a negative event, really has a point.

I never intended to wait this long but i haven't seen any of them & couldn't face their responses. It was as expected!

Im glad I've told them, it feels like a relief not to have to think about telling them...iyswim!!

Good luck.

Im 20 weeks btw...

How bloody rude they are. But I think Andanotherthing is right with this statement:

"I think if you don't tell your DM/ILs then you might unintentionally validate their feelings, as they will know that you are thinking about their disaproval and have changed your actions as a result."

I think you should announce it, presenting it as something you're very happy about. And why shouldn't you be? You are in a good financial position, you've got plenty of love to give ... why not?

Arm yourself with some pithy replies. The overpopulation thing, well, global population growth is slowing, if your mum was so informed she'd know that. Eventually it'll reverse. And she'd also know that with birthrates in the Western world being what they are, unless we start to have more children there will be no one to support you, OP, when you are old as your mum is.

I have one, another on the way, but am already getting heavy hints about having no more from some quarters. My MIL (who has four herself) keeps saying "Oh please don't have any more, I couldn't cope." Well, you live 10,000 miles away and we see you once a year and have never asked for money so it's not really your problem, is it?

i havent had this issue with family as i dont talk to any of them lucky me lol but i think you should stop worrying about them and do whats best for you its not them raising the children paying the bills etc congrats btw

Thanks everyone! It's great to have some more thoughts on the matter.

Thank you for all the congratulations too! We always wanted a big family and there's been enough pregnancy-related drama along the way to really appreciate how very lucky we have been in hopefully achieving it (if all goes well with this one!)

I forgot to mention that neither set of parents has any other grandchildren, and unless my little brother actually gets around to having one with his lovely DP, then four grandchildren is all they are getting. So hardly an overpopulation issue - we're just replacing the four of them! I posted quite a few links to decent articles about the reality of overpopulation especially in western cultures when my mother posted such stuff to her wall.. I think she relented in the end. I think, like most people, she hadn't really thought about it properly before.

I confess I hadn't considered that they might see it as validation of their beliefs if we kept it quiet. Which inevitably leads to the opposite in a way - if we make a big deal out of the announcement then in a way we're invalidating their beliefs.. showing them just how much we don't care what they think!

sleepywombat - I am sorry to hear you have a similar issue only going from two to three. I don't think you're crazy! Challenging, yes.. but you've already proved you can do it with your other two boys.

While I'm sorry to hear that others have very similar parents/ILs, I am glad I am not alone! I honestly wonder what gives others the right to try and dictate reproductive choices of others when it has no bearing on their life at all. It's one thing to be judgey about it where the family can't hear but quite another to tell them something like that. It's a real person, not an extra gadget/car or whatever they're complaining about!

If you were having babies and then giving them away because you didn't like the look of them, or just having babies for the State to pay you, or if you were expecting the IL to look after the little one every day and night while you swanned off to the pub, then by all means your extended family would have a right to be cheesed off.

But you aren't, you are having a fourth because that is what you and your DP want and you can.

I am sure they will love their fourth grandchild as much as the rest when he/she joins you. They may have their opinions, but perhaps you should ask them to keep it to themselves. You are a big girl now and don't need to ask their permission.

With that in mind, you don't want to cause any friction, so I would just be straight, but smiley. AND, you MIL would be gutted if she didn't get a look in during the pregnancy just because grumpy grandpa!

Congratulations with where you are, all the best and do what you want to for your family.

As far a overpopulating the world is concerned, does it mean we should accept vaccinations and medical help, just to keep numbers down. Ridiculous. Who is to say the great cure for cancer isn't around the corner, then we will see over population (I don't mean that in a callous way people, I am just using it to back up my point, and trust me, I have family who could benefit from such a cure).