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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Dp not coming to 20 wk scan...AIBU?

21 replies

Shellywelly1973 · 07/09/2013 12:22

Dp wasn't with me the day i booked in so missed a scan i had at 9 weeks.

He didn't end up coming to my 12 week scan...long story -still a sore point.

I've got my 20 week scan Tuesday morning.

Dp told me last night, that as he started a new job but with the same company, his days off have been changed. He can't go in late & he's never taken an unpaid day off work in the 14 years I've known him. So he's very unlikely to be able to come to the scan.

This our 4th dc. Its come about due to circumstance, that i am very likely to end up on my own when i give birth. Im not that bothered about that to be honest.

I am annoyed about the scans. Total lack of support.This baby was planned. It feels like Dp is a spare part.

I don't have close friends or family in this city so not an option to get some else to come along.

Am i being a hormonal old moo or is Dp out of order?

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PipkinsPal · 07/09/2013 12:27

My sisters partner went with her to the 7 week vaginal scan (on fertility treatment) but he didn't go to any more. He has his own business and his excuse was he was busy. My sister wasn't bothered because our Mother saw her grandchild on the 12 weeks scan and I was with her at the 20 week scan when she found out she was having a girl. One of my sister's friends went with her to the 3D scan, competition win, and me and my sister's friend went to her late scan. Her partner was with her at the birth but only because it was night time and he wasn't in work. You may feel a bit let down but take people who are special to you to the scans, they'll love it.

Original poster

Shellywelly1973 · 07/09/2013 12:30

Thanks for your reply.

I dont have any family in this city or friends, close enough to ask.

I think the point is i am bothered. Dp doesn't have his own business. He could take 1 day off unpaid!

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 07/09/2013 12:32

I would want my DH at the scan just in case there was a problem. I think if you want him there and he is able to get the time off then he should be there.

Original poster

Shellywelly1973 · 07/09/2013 12:34

He WON'T take the time off...Thats my point!

The last pregnancy ended up being a mmc so i was terrified at my 12 week scan.

Im so angry at him!

OP posts:

InternationalPower · 07/09/2013 12:35

I can understand why he doesn't want to take a day off from a new job, even if it's the same company will be a different boss?

It would bother me though that he's managed to find a way to avoid all the scans

HumphreyCobbler · 07/09/2013 12:37

I know, Shelly, I was agreeing that you were in no way being unreasonable

Original poster

Shellywelly1973 · 07/09/2013 12:40

Nope same boss. They moved his days off as he's taken over someone elses shift pattern.

If it was one scan, i would be a little more understanding. I really wanted a private scan a few weeks ago but didn't have one, just so he could be there.

Maybe Im being unreasonable. Maybe when something important is going on with him, i should let him down so he knows how it feels!

OP posts:

Journey · 07/09/2013 12:43

If he's started a new job I can understand why he doesn't want to take time off work.

I don't understand how you want him at the scan but not bothered about him being at the birth. I would have thought it would have been the other way round.

noblegiraffe · 07/09/2013 12:45

Can't he book time off as annual leave?

Has he even asked his boss, or just decided not to?

Original poster

Shellywelly1973 · 07/09/2013 12:47

The reason Im not so stressed about the actual birth is mainly due to.lack of choice. We don't have anyone to look after dc.

Dp wasn't very good at the previous births. I ended up looking after him!

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Original poster

Shellywelly1973 · 07/09/2013 12:48

He did ask yesterday but he can't book annual leave as annual leave is allocated.

He can take unpaid leave but choses not to.

OP posts:

AmpullaOfVater · 07/09/2013 13:01

I wouldn't be bothered about the scan, personally, but you said DP feels like a spare part - has he been generally unsupportive during the pregnancy or is it just the scans?

Original poster

Shellywelly1973 · 07/09/2013 13:08

Good question.

Its my 6th dc. Our 4th. I carry on as normal when Im pregnant. Im self employed so i do all dc stuff, work &house. We have a ds who is autistic. He's still on summer holidays...

I usually only sleep for 5/6 hrs a night but Im struggling at moment. Dp doesn't appreciate how much i actually do between work & home. He deals with his work & very little else.

OP posts:

quackojuliet · 07/09/2013 13:28

sounds like you need more support. i imagine you've already tried having a very open frank discussion about how let down you feel?

noblegiraffe · 07/09/2013 13:36

Can you not just put your foot down and say it is his child too and it is non-negotiable?

Writerwannabe83 · 07/09/2013 15:32

Could it be that he's scared of another mmc? Maybe him avoiding the scans is his way of dealing with it? X

MortifiedAdams · 07/09/2013 15:34

Is he generally supportive and helpful as a dad? What happened with the other dcs scans?

dufflefluffle · 07/09/2013 15:41

DH didn't come to any of the scans on our dc#2. I was slightly miffed but he was working so I had to accept it. He also missed the actual birth. He has been the best, more adoring Dad ever since and that is what really matters.

Original poster

Shellywelly1973 · 07/09/2013 16:04

I doubt scared of another mmc. He couldn't really grasp why i was so worried before my 12 week scan thought it was just a fluke.

Dp came to all the other dc scans.

He's a good dad. Not here much as he should be due to working. We are very different kinds of parents. I tend to get him to do specific things with each of the dc, in that way he's excellent. He's not to great at the day to day stuff, cooking, cleaning or baths. That is very much ignored by Dp!

I don't see him not coming to the scan as any reflection as to what kind of father he is. He considers the pregnancy is part of me.

I see him not coming as letting me down- again.

OP posts:

MortifiedAdams · 07/09/2013 16:05

Have you explained to him how hurt you are that he wont be attending?

Original poster

Shellywelly1973 · 07/09/2013 16:18

Yes but he thinks Im over reacting.

I will just go but possibly find out the gender... But keep it to myself!

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