Can't do anything right...

[Pantomime]

Hello everyone, I need a bit of advice...

After four negative pregnancy tests and a lot of symptoms that would suggest I was in fact pregnant I convinced my doc to add a pregnancy test on to my blood tests. (I was getting over an infection slowly so they just wanted to check my progress with the whole white blood cells thing). Got a call today from a doctor giving me some surprising but good news. Yes I am pregnant. I'm 24, my other half who I have spent the last three years with is over the moon.

However its not all smiles and excitement...
I have no idea how far along I am. Everyone said the symptoms were down to stress or anxiety and not to worry about it. I am struggling to work out when I may have become pregnant.
That and this year the other half's sister had to terminate because of an abnormality, the little one wouldn't have made it to term. Everyone was heart broken for her. The other sister has also fallen pregnant this year (healthy on all scans so far and she is doing well) but isn't telling anyone about her condition so not to upset her sister. I don't know what to do, I am planning on telling my family after the first scan. But his family? No idea, do I follow suit and stay quiet? I know it seems stupid but I also feel like this has happened at a really bad time because I don't want to steal the thunder of the sister who is pregnant because its her first.
I have an odd abdominal pain the doctors are looking in to, its getting better but I am worried its bad news.

I know its poorly worded and rambly but I'm scared I don't know what to do. Even though I've been told I am pregnant I don't feel any connection to the little person. While we are keeping the little person it has come as a bit of a surprise as I was using protection, I suppose it did say it wasn't 100% perfect?

Thanks for listening, again sorry for the ramble.

What does your sister-in-law plan to do when the baby arrives? That will be MORE upsetting for her sister as that is a shock & it is upsetting to know it was kept hidden. As someone who has lost a baby - yes other pregnancies are upsetting but if it is someone you love then you have to get over it.

I think if I was in your shoes, tell this pregnant lady you are & you are intending to share this news but give her the opportunity to sort her own news out first.

I'd suggest having your scan and finding out how far along you are first.

You could have a quiet word with the sister who had to have the termination and explain something along the lines of that you know they will find the news upsetting but thought telling them would be better than leaving them out and them hearing from other family. We had to tell DH's aunt who's DGS died suddenly a few months ago at just a few days old. They thanked us for telling them and were pleased for us although it was hard to hear.

Then try and talk about non baby related things when you see that sister, let her bring it up if she wants to, then she won't feel it's being pushed in her face.

It's a funny one, the sister who had the termination knows her other sister is pregnant. She was the one who approached me about it to talk. It was all positive things.

I honestly don't know what is going on...

Definitely sounds like you need to find out what is going on with your pregnancy first - how far along and that the pain is nothing to worry about.

I am just so scared, I don't have a mum to tell and my other half has already said he wont be in the room when I (if baby is healthy and comes to term) give birth. Just feel so alone in this.

Why has your oh said that he won't be present at the birth?

It sounds to me like you should just tell his family when you plan to tell your own, if the sister who had to have the termination is dealing with the other sister's pregnancy reasonably well. I would try to tell the sister who had the termination somewhere private, or even via email or

Oops posted too soon.

By email or phone, so she has a chance to experience her emotions privately before putting on a brave face in public.

Also, I'm sorry you're feeling alone. You will almost always find help and support on here. And there is time to sort out support for the birth.

The Oh has said that there has been a study conducted that showed that men who witness their partners giving birth are less interested in them sexually after that.

I echo what others have said, wait for your scan until you tell anyone, or at least any of his family because of the situation with your partners sister. You cant NOT tell her and would probably be more upset at the thought of it being hidden from her.

As for your partner saying he wont be in the room don't panic about it yet, it might just be that "just found out i'm going to be a dad" panic that's making him say it, and as the pregnancy develops and he sees scans and hears the heartbeat he may change his mind. As for the study he's quoting (ask for the evidence to back it up!) if that was true the human race in this part of the world would have started dying out years ago! I'm not saying he'll change his mind because some men genuinely don't want to be there but you wont be alone if he doesn't, a close friend or relative can go with you, doesn't have to be your mum or partner

OP I echo what others have said about finding out about the pregnancy first through your scan and then speaking up to the family.

I would speak to the sister once you know your baby is fine. Probably speak to her first and on a one to one basis so she has time to process the information and then after a day or so let the rest of the family know.

As for your partner not wanting to be at the birth he may change his mind but he may not. I suspect he feels a great deal of nerves about it all at the moment and once the news has sunk in and he has begun to talk to friends they will share their experiences and I expect his attitude will change. If not though take a close friend or sister in with you when you give birth - it can be anyone you want providing you trust them. It is lonely and frightening at this stage but once you settle into the pregnancy it will feel better. Good luck!

I was planning on waiting until the scan but just felt a bit overwhelmed with how awkward its all going to be. I get to see my doctor on Monday who should be able to get me started on making sure everything is ok.

Spoke to the OH about the whole sister thing and he doesn't even know what is going on there. He thinks that Pregnant sister risks upsetting his family by not saying anything. I would say its maybe 3 months or so since Other sister had the termination. Sooner or later its not going to remain hidden.

In regards to being in the room this is a long held belief of his that pre-dates my surprise. He argues historically women went away and were in the company of other women, that the man being in the room is a modern thing. I don't have a mum who could be there for me and I certainly don't know if I want his.

I agree with others that you do need to tell his sister as she will be more upset that you didn't feel you could talk to her! She'll be jealous and upset but I bet she'd agree that's for her to deal with and you can also help her through that.

Men being present for the birth of their children is relatively modern but does everything in his life revolve around what society used to do? For instance are you married? Do you work or does he make all the money? I know in the case of my oh he was in awe of me giving birth, even now he says how amazing I was in that situation and it's so lovely to be told things like that and have him appreciate what i went through for us to have a family. He is definitely not attracted to me any less than before, More so if anything and I had to climb out of a birthing pool and waddle across the room naked with a head hanging between my legs, he watched and helped with the whole thing!

Hope all works out for the best. x

We are engaged and have been together three years. We both work and are very equal in the relationship. He is really excited about being a dad and that's great, he was getting a bit broody before we found out about me being pregnant.

Providing all the scans go ok I should be telling everyone the end of next month. The only issue is I am not sure if she knows that I know :(. His family really confuse me. She didn't tell us she was pregnant or that she lost it, that was all the other half's mum. May just tell the other half's mum and let her tell everyone, seems like she has done that to her two daughters.

I hope you get this sorted - it sounds like a tricky and confusing situation for you. To be honest the thing bothering me is OH not wanting to be present at the birth - does he not want to support you through it? He doesn't have to be down there watching baby emerge and surely should be more concerned with making sure you are okay during labour than thinking about his sexual desire post birth. DH would be getting a bloody punch if he dared to say he wasn't gonna be with me during the birth as he was worried he wouldn't wanna have sex with me afterwards! Maybe that's just me.

I'm struggling with your oh's attitude to labour. Perhaps you are ok with this, so feel free to ignore, but if my dh said that to me, I would think he was looking for an excuse to avoid being out of his comfort zone and being in the potentially stressful situation of labour. I would also be very annoyed that he was putting his future sexual needs ahead of my immediate need for support.

Frankly, you can get studies saying anything you like. I bet you could find a study saying that men were more attracted to their partners after they had witnessed them giving birth. He could easily stay up by your head. He needs to think through his olden days argument - you will likely be giving birth in a modern hospital surrounded by professionals that you will not meet until that day. It doesn't sound like you have lots of supportive females around you to give you support, but I assume this is the sort of network he imagines should take his place.

Do you think this is something you could discuss with him? I do wonder if this is contributing to your feeling of being alone.

Fwiw, dh and I have had sex more often since dd was born than in the couple of years preceding her birth - having a little one has made us more opportunistic.

It does sound a bit confusing! No wonder you're giving it so much thought! If I were you I'd probably just sit down alone with her and say look I've heard through others what you went through and just wanted to acknowledge it and also tell you I'm expecting, if you ever want to talk I'm here and if you ever want to tell me to shut up that's fine too.

I just read my last post and sounded really horrible! I was just meaning that we don't have to stick to tradition these days. I'm engaged not married too so trust me I'm not judging! x

Don't worry MummyJetsetter I knew what you meant :D.

Why can't life be simple eh? Maybe I can ask a friend to keep me company. Maybe when I go in to labour (if everything remains well with the baby) he wont have a chance to walk out or would feel too bad to. This could just be wishful thinking...

Do you want DH with you? If you do you should really tell him that and make sure he is there to support you. You're his wife, giving birth to his child and it is his job to be there to help you get through what will be a stressful and emotional time. I was talking to DH about this before in fact an he was quite shocked that a man wouldn't want to be there for labour. I'll be part if a study that says women who's partners aren't with them during labour are less sexually attracted to them afterwards if that helps!

Sorry just reread - OH not DH

Hahaha Thanks misskatamari, I will have to mention that one to him.

Well you've got loads of time to persuade him. Hope he comes around to the idea and you figure out your dilemma! x

Your DP should realise that he doesn't actually HAVE to be at the "business end" while you're giving birth - he can stay up right by your head and just focus on your face, that way he won't see anything that might put him off.

He'd be a fool to miss it, I'd say - my DH was so moved and thrilled to see his DSs born, and iirc he cut the cord for DS2 (not Ds1, that all happened a bit quick). He wouldn't have missed it for the world!

As for the issue with your DP's sister - he has to stop sticking his head in the sand about all this, he actually sounds quite chauvinistic, as though it's all "wimmins' business" and nothing to do with him. If he's not going to involve himself though then I think you probably do need to tell his mum and let her work out the best way to deal with it, unless you know the SIL who had to terminate well enough to tell her, but it sounds like you don't know her that well if you don't even know whether or not she knows that you know about the termination. (sorry, that got a bit involved!)

Its fine, I know both sisters pretty well, the problem comes when the mum tells people without their knowing. The whole thing makes no sense to me and just seems to be family drama. Neither sisters have told their brother in person they are or were pregnant. I am getting pretty stressed out with the mum as well because she complained about how sister who terminated raised her LO even though she was young and it was a huge shock, because of the pill stopping her period she didn't know until she was really far along. I am terrified she will badmouth me behind my back and I know I shouldn't care but I do.

Hey Pantomime.
I was out last night with mates. Odviously wasnt drinking so needed to tell them i was pregnant. My friend and her husband had a miscarrage and because she had to be suctioned she is having problems now. Wanted to tell her before we went out. She congratulated us but still felt guilty. Later last night she said that its our baby and that never be afraid to tell anyone. I have to think of us. My baby has to come first. I think you should tell her before you hurt her by decrets.