Visitors after the birth

[afrikat]

Sorry, I know this subject has probably been done to death but interested to hear from people who have been through the newborn phase so can help me prepare / know what to expect.

Our first baby is due in just over 3 weeks and we live c. 3 hours drive from our parents (both our mums are on their own, FiL is with a partner). I am pretty much expecting to be exhausted, emotional and sore, dealing with leakage and potentially struggling to establish breast feeding but obviously all the GP's are keen to visit.

No one expects to be there immediately after the birth but at the moment the plan is for our mums to drive down together the day after we get out of hospital and spend several hours at the house. My mum is also keen to stay one night to avoid too much travel on one day. I feel slightly stressed at the thought of both mums being there pretty much the whole day / evening after we get out. I mean, what will they do with themselves? I will be feeding every few hours (presumably) and enjoying newborn time - I won't necessarily want to be handing the baby over to anyone other than DH. Not to mention I want as much skin on skin as possible. I am not exactly modest but it's obviously easier without an audience!

Then there is FiL and his partner. I feel quite confident stating they definitely can't stay over soon after the birth but they will have travelled 3+ hours to visit - how can I manage the time people stay for?

DH will support me but at the moment I don't think he quite understands how I may be feeling right after the birth (he keeps saying helpful things like 'oh but you're so strong, am sure you will be fine' ) and I don't think he has thought of the logistics of having new baby to get to grips with whilst juggling visitors.

Is it unreasonable to ask GPs to wait a bit longer before visiting and have no one staying at all for several weeks? It is the first GC for all so they are naturally excited but I don't want our first few days as a new family to he marred by any stress (well no extra stress anyway!)

Sorry this has gone on for ages :)

I think it was due to all the hormones but I couldn't wait to introduce my dd to everyone. I also felt like I had a ridiculous amount of energy for the first couple of weeks. But I think everyone is different and if I was you I wouldn't make any firm plans until you know how you will feel.

People can stay in a B&B if necessary, my DSis did because she brought two young children.

My mum and dad stayed a couple of days just after the birth, but they are happy to entertain themselves and my mum cooks for everyone, does washing etc.

Luckily my MiL lives nearby so her visits were shorter.

I second clueless newbie - I was very keen to show off the new baby and to be honest those first couple of weeks the baby will be sleeping alot (mum DS seemed to wake up at about 3 weeks!) and you most likely will have your husband off on paternity leave - so it is actually a really simple time to have visitors!

Both our sets of parents live in the north west and we were based in London. My mum came down just for the day when DS was born and PIL came and brought us home from hospital the next day and stayed over night the first night we were back. It really wasn't an issue - after that I think both sets of parents were keen to give us some space so I practically had to beg them to come down again!!!

Don't over think things now, just go with the flow - parents do remember what it is like and mine at least were very aware that they didn't want to impose too much. Also if your mum is a good cook it can be quite handy having an extra pair of hands

Thirding CluelessNewbie

Also, it's your mum and your partner's mum. They're not random strangers who're going to be horrified at the sight of a booby or a pooey nappy.

Those first days are very precious, and I would not want or expect grandparents to miss out.

Fine to pack them off after a couple of hours though, but they should understand.

Thanks for the replies - I will definitely try not to over think it and see how I feel at the time. It's nice to know that the first few days may not be as bad as I am expecting!

Hi there, I personally found the second time totally too much, with in laws staying for hours every day for 5 days (cried all over the midwife and whispered to her to send them all on their sodding way!). I was full of the happy hormones, so it kept the energy manageable, but this time I'm having a babymoon with no visitors at all for the first four days, no-one staying more than 45 minutes, and no family at all for three weeks (HA!)

Good luck with whatever you choose x

i asked about this recently as am having an ELCS and don't want family to stay...

i'm with tea and a natter - i want us to have some special family time together, just the baby, my DH and myself.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/a1816442-NOT-having-family-to-stay-support-after-ELCS-will-we-regret-it

I was desperate to show off DD to everyone, and one of my best memories from when she was born was my parents faces when they first saw her.

However you really don't know how you are going to feel and whether you will really want some help or whether you will want to be alone.

I'd talk with them now about staying in a B&B so they can come and see the baby and help - having someone cook you dinner that first day at home would be lovely - but not crowd you.

As for parents staying over to help, especially overnight, I think in those first few weeks there's not an enormous amount they can do overnight. Later on, once your DH is back at work, that's when you might really appreciate having someone staying with you for a few days.

Book them into a B&B.

Yes, they'll want to see the newborn, but if they have somewhere else to stay, you'll feel better about having DH boot them out tactfully when you've had enough.

The trick is to be able to get rid of them without making them feel excluded. So I'd take a line pre-birth of "well, we don't know how it'll go or what we'll feel up to, so let's keep options as open as possible". Unless DM or DMIL has form for being remarkably insensitive, this is something that they will understand (and remember from their own experience).

And remember that you might also want to sleep uninterrupted for a few hours at odd times, so try to embrace the possibility that having your newborn surrounded by a selection of adoring (and capable) adults might actually prove welcome.

Get them a B&B.

Although - given that they are going to drive you could just wait until the day and then let them know if you want them there.

I was talking to a girl recently and she said you are on a high for the firs two weeks so it is easier to have visitors then. As people have said, they are family.. Hopefully they have the sense to help and entertain themselves. Maybe cook a meal for you all while you nap?? I am hoping people do for me too.. Counting down they days here. I totally intend to take the chance to let them mind baby while I have a shower and if I am feeding I will go to the bedroom .. More for space than anything. Let husband make tea and entertain.

Look after yourself and best of luck.

You could caveat any plans with depending on how you feel.
It depends on what type of birth you have, and also what your family is like. Will they be helpful? Will they make you feel crowded? B&B is a good option.

I personally would have welcomed visitors at around the 3 week mark, when dh was back at work, and I could have done with the company. Maybe a short visit to say hello, with a longer visit planned for when you're up to it.

Oh, and don't be too polite to turn down any offer of help :)

People really have peculiar attitudes to this. You know, it's your baby, the gparents have had their children, this is a special time for them but it's not their show. I'm so glad I'm not from one of these families where the older members force themselves on the new parents. My parents saw DS the day after he was born - for an hour when we got home from hospital. That was Thurs eve, they brought dinner and left us to it. They popped back on Saturday for a couple of hours and then on the Mon. And then we were left to get on with things. My inlaws live a three hour drive away. They came the first weekend and stayed in a hotel. They popped in once each day for a short while and amused themselves the rest of the time.

There was nobody hanging around the hospital or demanding to stay with us. Don't decent people just know the right way to go on when someone's had a baby?

It's sad so many people are so under the thumb when it comes to parents and inlaws but equally it's awful the way some parents (mothers?) seem unable to let their adult children grow up and live their own lives.

Btw I have a great relationship with my parents and inlaws and very much wanted them to see DS soon after he was born - but with some obvious boundaries.

I'm 33+5 and we just set out our wishes last night - I'll share if it helps!

Best case scenario is that if I'm in hospital for up to 2 days, we will have parents and siblings visit us there. Then, the first 2 weeks, it will just be me, DH and the baby. When my DH then goes back to work, my mum will come to help out for a week (haven't decided whether she'll stay with us yet) then my MIL and her parents will come up for a long weekend, but will be staying elsewhere.

It has really helped my stress levels to set this out before the birth, just as long as everyone understands that things are subject to change!

The main things for me was that DH and I get sufficient time alone and that no-one stays at the house with us. People should understand.

Periodmath - I don't think people are ness 'under the thumb' just they have different expectations and experiences and different relationships with their parents to you.

With my first, I refused visitors for a week except my mum as I was having feeding issues. Then allowed in laws. Then friends in pairs or threes and for an hour max.

This time my inlaws came for the afternoon at 12 days after birth. We have been to my parents (15 mins away) and a few close friends have come for short stints to do a chore instead of bringing gifts. It has been lovely and given my DD time to adjust in peace!

Do whatever you feel is best.

nobody ever died from not seeing a newborn. My MIL couldn't see my son (her first grandchild) for 10 days as he was in NICU and my mother didn't see him for two weeks because she was ill.

I agree with rowena, it completely depends on your family dynamic and your relationships. There's no right or wrong. People who have their family to see the baby the day he or she is born aren't necessarily under the thumb, and people who don't have visitors for the first few weeks aren't necessarily rude to their family.

I agree that having the first few weeks together as just your new/newly extended family is the best, esepcially if you are struggling with breastfeeding. But I don't think that it is automatically demanding or proprietary of grandparents, aunts and uncles to want to quickly meet their new family member in that glorious one, two day old stage.

If they do come to stay then you should have a chat with your mum before you give birth. Explain it won't be like a regular visit, they would have to look after themselves (cooking, tidying etc) and that it is supremely important you spend as much time with your newborn as poss for bonding/establishing bf.

Some mums/mils might expect to come in and take the baby off you 'so you can have a rest' which may very well be the last thing you want!

I personally did not want to bf in front of anyone apart from dh at first. It took me a while to perfect a discreet method and we had major latch issues.

I asked my parents and in laws to visit me on the ward after birth, so out was a controlled environment and they couldn't stay long. So they had their fix of newborn squishing and we had a few days at home before they descended agian.

Lots of good suggestions on here - liking your compromise seriousstuff.

We get on with all the family really well (although MiL can be rather forceful with her opinions but I don't have an issue telling her thanks but we will do our own thing). They will definitely be helpful and I can set them to work helping with cooking / cleaning etc.

I will just make sure it is clear any 'plans' will be loose and subject to change depending on how we feel at the time :)

I had my first baby last week and despite lots of hints and tactful suggestions of them staying in a hotel my parents insisted on staying with us. My mum was convinced that she could help us but I found it really stressful and they were no help at all. In fact it just created more cleaning, cooking and washing for us We got home from the hospital and they arrived an hour later. Then poor DH had to make tea for everyone and I felt like I couldn't disappear to the bedroom as they wanted to hold the baby and chat.

Our feeding has really suffered due to them being there for 3 days and I just felt overwhelmed and put upon.

I really regret not telling them to stay elsewhere. You won't get those first few days back again!

My experience was similar to Percephone. With DS, in-laws insisted on coming to hospital and I found it too much. I was sore, exhausted, strapped to a catheter and just had a strong feeling of wanting to be alone with my baby and DH. I spent the whole time wishing they'd go. They came to the house the next day with SIL and her 4 kids. I spent the whole time making tea, and watching my precious newborn being passed around everyone, just wanting to take him upstairs and snuggle up in bed. When they left I cried for an hour! DH was excited and desperate to show off the baby, and didn't understand how I felt at all.
With DD, now 2 weeks, I insisted on no visitors for the first few days, and I spent the first few days cuddling and feeding my baby, and I loved every minute. The following week we started having visitors, staggered over a few days, and I felt much stronger emotionally. I'd say wait and see how you feel - but don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't want. Those first days are so precious. The GP's have had their time - this is yours!