Pregnant after miscarriage - does the anxiety ever go?

[Bambamb]

I have had two miscarriages prior to this pregnancy (now nearly 28 weeks). I also have a 4 year old (first pregnancy).

I really enjoyed my first pregnancy, I was so blase and without a care in the world. I planned a home birth for that one as it never occurred to me that anything could go wrong. We sailed through and everything was rosy - I now realise I was just very lucky.

This pregnancy I feel so jaded. I am ridiculously anxious to the point that I am struggling just to function day to day. I really wanted to enjoy this pregnancy as we do not plant to have any more kids and I wanted to look back on this time as special. But the reality is I'm just waiting for it all to end (badly).

Every other day I seem to have a major panic about the baby not moving enough, or I've decided I have heart failure (yes, really, I know) and we're both about to drop dead. In my head I have walked myself through a still birth, a funeral & then my own suicide.......I actually think I am going nuts.

I wish I could just relax and enjoy it. I am desperate to finish work. I planned on going to my GP this morning but he's on holiday and I didn't want to see a different one. But what really can he do anyway? I thought the anxiety would go after the reassurance scan (8 weeks) but no, then after the 12 weeks scan, but no. Then I thought the 20 week scan would settle my mind once and for all but no! And then I thought once I could clearly feel the baby moving I'd relax, but no.

So, please tell me this will ease, or is this just going to be the way it is until the birth? How can I relax enough for a good birth when I'll be panicking all the way through about something going wrong? Any tips?

Thanks in advance.

Sorry you are feeling so miserable. I can't offer any advice as I'm currently pregnant after a MC but only 9 weeks and except for the day of the positive test I haven't been able to be happy.

Have you been on the following thread (not sure whether this link will work) as I've found it helpful talking to people in a similar position:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/1827724-PG-after-MC-the-new-and-shiny-POSIFRICKINTIVITY-thread

Thanks for the reply, and good luck with your pregnancy.
I have noticed that thread but not had a good look as it's so long.....am popping over now though.

Hi,

The thread mentioned is a bit of a lifesaver, I reckon. It's long mostly because it can be very active, which is great if you want a fair bit of reassurance. the women there, and on the miscarriage forum, and the TTC after MC thread are amazing.

Have you thought, maybe also, of some counselling? Either accessed through your GP or privately? It sounds as if your experiences, completely understandably, are feeling pretty unbearable, and might be affecting your health (like I say, totally understandable, and very normal). If you want to go privately, and this is an option for you (less waiting, more flexibility re times), prices vary, but I personally would not expect to pay more than about £40 per session. You can find therapists online working in all sorts of therapeutic traditions (I personally like a bit of CBT for a 'let's get in fix it get out' approach, but it's very much horses for courses). You may want only one session, you may value more.

Hoping things feel more manageable for you soon, and will look out for you on the PG after MC thread, where you can share the sheer amount of 'crazy' that MC brings, e.g. I've not shaved my legs in 8 weeks because IMO that will totally keep this pregnancy safe ;-)

Lots of love x

I'm currently in my second pregnancy after a full term stillbirth. I focus on short term goals like the next appt or the next week.

If I focus on anything else, I wouldn't be able to function. It isn't helping you, your family or your baby to worry yourself to this level. Please seek help from your GP. It is normal to be anxious after pregnancy loss but it shouldn't affect you to this degree.

Your experience sounds just like mine. I had a perfect text book first pregnancy. No problems and no idea what or how a miscarriage occurred. I was just completely oblivious to it. Then we started trying for baby no.2 when dd was about 2 years old. I lost 4 babies in a row despite having numerous blood tests and scans to see what was wrong.

Being pregnant with DS (I was on high dose Vit D, folic acid and low dose aspirin) was just stressful all the way through. I had about 7 reassurance scans from week 7-14 but waiting between each scan was just horrible. Just like you even the 20wk scan wasn't enough to reassure me. I bought a Doppler and listened to the heartbeat everyday or twice or three times a day if I didn't feel movement which kind of helped me cope, but it did have its down points too, like one night the battery died and I was anxious all night and couldn't sleep thinking something bad had happened.

I think I felt anxious all through the pregnancy up until I got really big and the major symptoms like heart burn, acid reflux and SPD kicked in and I really wanted to reach the end quickly. It was probably around week 30. I also forced myself to go and buy little by little for the baby because I was too afraid to jinx the pregnancy. Once I'd bought the first little sleep suit and hat and gloves I felt more and more at ease with the pregnancy. I was also having counselling for the miscarriages I'd suffered and this really helped me cope, just being able to talk about my losses. Also, like others have mentioned, I was part of a "pregnant after miscarriage" thread on here a few years ago which really really helped me because all the women felt the same as me. It was very supportive.

Does your hospital provide miscarriage counselling? Maybe this is something you could look into and definitely join a thread where women have been through the same as you.

Finally, I'm on my third pregnancy now (29wks) , and all the anxiousness has disappeared. I feel more like I was with dd1, so even if you don't want any children now, but change your mind in the future, it might not be the same again. Good luck!

I was exactly like you describe after a problem free first pregnancy and then two consecutive second trimester losses. If I am honest, I didn't really get any better and worried all the way through. What helped a little was CBT, a very sympathetic consultant, and an ELCS due to my fears of birth trauma. I was considered high risk for PND and for not bonding with the baby as I couldn't acknowledge the baby or plan ahead. I refused to buy anything and only told people who saw me that I was even pregnant again.

This was all pretty miserable but once the baby was born I felt a million times better. I panicked throughout her early development checks but overall my anxiety is virtually gone, I have not a bit of PND and have bonded with my baby with absolutely no problems.

My advice would be to take it one day at a time. If that is too much take it an hour at a time. I won't say everything will be just fine but I will say that the odds are very much in your favour.

There is great support on here and more people that you think who understand. I felt like everyone else sailed through pregnancy, blissfully unaware of the potential risks, whereas I dragged myself through it by my fingernails.

I hope things get better for you soon, but if they don't I'm sure they will after the birth.

Thanks so much all for the replies.
I also haven't bought anything for this baby as have the fear that it won't get used. Im not sure id even realised that! So today we have decided to go out and get a few baby gros although I have a feeling it could be a bit emotional, we'll see.
Not sure about whether or not the hospital offers a counselling service but I am definitely going to go to my GP to talk this through and see if he can suggest anything. It's a bit scary, I feel slightly out of control.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, it helps to know that others have been there and come out the other side. Xx

Oh and OMG, just noticed the 'not shaving legs' etc superstitions, thats actually put a smile on my face.
I stopped epilating for fear that it in some way caused the miscarriages. I also stopped carrying my mobile phone in my pocket or anywhere near my tummy and stopped eating meat for the first 12 weeks or so (fear of consuming death causing death or something weird like that). I thought if anyone knew I'd be committed, can't believe there are others out there just like me!

HI there
I had a similar experience with mcs after my first baby and like you could not enjoy pregnancy with ds. Good luck with the babygro shopping. I bought a clock for ds room at a similar stage. It was all I could bring myself to buy till he was born, he is 5 now and I still can cry looking at his clock!! Your baby is going to be fine, one day at a time and you will get there X

I had 2 early mcs before each of my dc were born... And no, I didn't enjoy either pg. I worried all the way through. But I still appreciated the special moments, like kicking etc.

I would just let go of trying to make this a special time - it's too much pressure. Just deal with how you are day by day, hour by hour. It's not obligatory to enjoy pregnancy - many people don't.

Yeah you're right, think the dream of enjoying this pregnancy is unrealistic. It's more a case of getting my head down and getting through it.

Bambamb, I'm so glad you're going out to buy some things for the baby today. If you feel overwhelmed then just at least try to get something small like some booties or mittens or a baby grow and hang it in the wardrobe with your clothes so you see it everyday as a real reminder.

As for the superstitions, I stopped using my favourite face wash because it contained salicylic acid and wouldn't stand infront of the microwave with it on, incase it fried my insides. I think my DH got anxious too because I remember him going and buying a cooling laptop base for the laptop to stop it overheating on my lap. Silly things really!

Yep I'm right there with you!

I had an early loss and then it took 2yrs before I fell pg again - I'm 30 weeks this week and am feeling more stressed as time goes on - I find it so hard to believe we'll actually end up with a real baby after all this time and heartache.

I think its gotten worse for me since the movement has got more regular, I'm CONSTANTLY worrying about it, to the point I broke down sobbing on Saturday because the baby hadn't moved much that day (of course it went mad after that!). It is really hard and I've no advice really, just sympathy!

I know what u mean about superstition as well, I cant bring myself to complain about anything related to the pregnancy incase I jinx it, mustn't complain about painful kicks incase they might stop etc - its exhausting isnt it!!

Yes I have tied myself up in knots about the movements too, constantly worried I'm not feeling enough.

Well, we bought some baby gros yesterday and ordered the basinette I've had my eye on from John Lewis and I feel over the moon about it! It was really hard I had to force myself to buy them which is wierd but feel very happy now, thanks for that suggestion. This could be the start of a spending spree.....

Well done for taking small, positive steps. I am currently 34 weeks pregnant after a m/c last year and two episodes of bleeding in this pregnancy (14 and 21weeks). Totally on tenterhooks for most of the pregnancy. I spoke to one of the mws a few weeks ago about how anxious I'm feeling and she was lovely and reassuring (better than the one I spoke to around 23 weeks who said I had to work as long as possible to stop myself dwelling on anxiety). I at least felt listened to. But now I'm back to the horrible thoughts that appear in the middle of the night/day/whenever. All I can do is try to not go too far down that track and try to distract myself from the thoughts. I won't be happy until baby is out and safe and well.

Good job on buying a few bits. Yes...I didn't mention how once you start it gets a bit hard to stop, but that's a good thing IMO!
By the end of the last trimester of my last pregnancy I'd got the bath ripped up and the walls were still being re-tiled and being finished off when I was in labour. I don't know why, but I suddenly wanted the baby to have a new bathroom when he was born !

I had 2 easy pregnancies and then 2 mcs I am now 32 weeks and have been a nervouse wreck since day 1 didnt tell anyone except dp till 20 weeks and I am even convinced that something id going to happen to me and or baby in labour even though I had two very straight forward births think it is just normal good luck and try to relax easier said than done I know only too well x