Early pregnancy ambivalence - normal or not?

[bubblegumgirl]

Hi everyone,

Can anybody offer me some advice/thoughts? My husband and I have been TTC for 2 years and I fell pregnant about 9 months ago but miscarried. When I found out that last time, I was euphoric, my emotions were all over the place but I was just so so happy.

Now I've found out that I'm pregnant again and my husband is over the moon but I just can't seem to make any emotional connection with the pregancy. I read in What to Expect When You're Expecting that it's normal to feel ambivalent - but is it really? I just feel completely deadened to it all and I'm struggling to cover up my lack of excitement.

I'm scared to tell the midwife in case she earmarks me as a future abusive mother.

I also can't shake the feeling that there's something wrong with this baby.

I really don't know what to do - can anybody help? Thanks x

bubblegum congratulations! I am so sorry for your loss.

I think what you are experiencing is totally normal, honestly. I've experienced mc myself and I think lots of women find the same thing - they almost daren't bond with this new pg too much just in case.

Please don't worry about the mw, she will have seen this before. Have you been offered an early scan? I found that really helpful.

Be kind to yourself. You have so much time to develop that bond, trust me.

Thanks ShoeWhore - love the name, by the way :-)

I guess being tired and grumpy doesn't help much with the bonding process. I really hope this passes and I can muster up some excitement - I don't want to be feeling like this for another 8 months.

BGG x

I felt exactly like this with my second child. The first time I got pregnant it had taken ages and eventually I ended up on Clomid, got pregnant and then miscarried. So when I eventually got pregnant with DS1 I was ecstatic and anxious and couldn't have been further from ambivalent if I tried. about 18 months after he was born we decided to try for number 2 as it had been so hard last time we wanted to not wait any longer in case it took years. However, I got pregnant the first time we tried! Maybe it was because it happened so easily, or maybe it was because I sort of assumed I'd probably lose it like the first time, but I had a sense of total ambivalence and an 'easy come easy go' attitude. However by about week 12 I had some bleeding and felt quite calm on way to hospital, still with an air of ambivalence, if I'm losing it we'll just do it again, sort of attitude. But actually when I got there and had tests and it showed the baby was fine I was sooooooooo relieved and it made me realise how devastated I would have been to lose it. So I think your attitude will probably change as the pregnancy progresses and it all becomes more real. For me I think it was because we hadn't really thought we'd get pregnant that quickly so I wasn't mentally ready for it all.

Sooooo normal after a loss. Completely normal. You may find it hard to feel anything until you get out the first trimester and things are looking good. The detachment is probably your brain's way of protecting itself from that hurt again.

Congratulations! :-)

I felt very indifferent to my current pregnancy. I had a mmc last February. Conceived this pregnancy in April.

It wasn't until 16 weeks i felt i was going to end up with a baby.

Its a coping mechanism. At least if i lost this one i wouldn't have felt like i did last time.

Give yourself time.

Thank you all ... I really appreciate your help x

I still feel a bit like that and I have my 20 week scan today. Maybe after that I'll feel more like I will actually have a child in another few months.

Very normal after a loss! I found it really hard to bond with this pregnancy until around 16 weeks. I have had two mc's and convinced myself this would be the same. I think I got fully excited by it when I first felt baby kick xx

Hi Bubblegum,

I can completely understand how you're feeling and as the others have said it is completely normal!
I had a mmc last sept at 12+6, and fell pregnant again this march but unfortunately had another mc in may at 9+1, I am now pg for the 3rd time in a year! this time round I just won't allow myself to be attached and get excited because I've been hurt twice already.....however I'm hoping this one sticks and thinks that once I've got past my 12 week scan things will start to feel different.

You should talk to your midwife that's what they're for....not to judge! and i'm sure she will do everything possible to help with how you're feeling! xxx

Hi Bubblegum

I can only reiterate what everyone else is saying - it's normal! I'm 15 weeks now but was initially told I'd mc at 7weeks. I couldn't quite believe it when I found out at 13 weeks that I was still pregnant. I've just had my booking appt and been poked and prodded and assured there's a baby in there, but I can't seem to summon up any excitement. Told my family yesterday as I'm getting a slight bump and thought they'd notice. They're all super happy and I'm finding it hard trying to deal with their enthusiasm because I haven't got any!

DH very understanding and assures me I'll feel differently when I see the baby is ok on the scan next week, but at the moment it doesn't seem real so honestly understand how you feel. Lots of warm wishes. Hope you feel better soon.

I terrified myself with reading too much about mc and mmc, and was convinced until yesterday (20wk scan) that there would be something wrong, I would be the one unlucky one, and not to get too attached. I do feel differently now this milestone is out of the way.
All I'm saying (clumsily) is: even without your sad history, it's not necessarily 'normal' to bond with your bump the second you know you have it.

100% normal and defo second what Shelley says about it being a coping mechanism. I'm 29 weeks pregnant after a MMC in Oct and I didn't start to let myself bond until about 22/23 weeks! I was certain that it would all go wrong again, I was past 12 weeks when we lost our last baby so the 12 week scan didn't put me at ease and even the 20 week scan didn't. I haven't found out the sex even tho hubby wanted to as I just didn't want to get to know the baby just to lose it again!
I didn't start to feel kicks until weeks later than when I did with our son so was convinced the baby hadn't made it but actually its just due to anterior placenta blocking me feeling the movements!
Once I started feeling regular kicks and movements my bond just kicked in and I'm mega excited about bump arriving, in the back of my mind I can still get scared but I can't stop anything going wrong, its not under my control so I just decided to try relax and since I've felt much better.
The further on u get the better things will get honestly, I'm very sorry u lost ur baby and congratulations on ur current pregnancy xx