I feel like I am just an incubator (long and ranty)

[CryingGivesMeAHeadache]

I am 22+5 and nobody seems to give a hoot about me. When I see people they just ask about the baby and if my OH is excited. I feel like screaming at them that I am a person too. I have feelings too!

I feel useless in this pregnancy. I don't work and OH earns hardly any money so we have had to have hand me downs from family members for the baby. I don't mind at all. It just upsets me that we have now got everything we need and I haven't been able to buy anything for the baby. OH's parents have brought it all from carboots or it's come from family members.

To sum it up I just feel very much out of touch with myself with this pregnancy and I don't know how to get me back. I love the fact that I am growing a person in my belly, but it's not being pregnant that defines me.

Can you arrange a DVD night with friends where nobody asks you about the pregnancy? I got sooooooo sick of everyone just assuming all I wanted to do was talk about being pregnant. It was enough that I was actually pregnant, I didn't necessarily want to talk about it all the time as well. Really feel your pain, it used to wind me up no end.

a dvd night sounds like a good idea. I just know they would ask about baby though.

I know they mean well but I just want to slap them and ask if they remember me, the woman they became friends with all those year ago.

You'll become a person again once the baby's baked. I did.

Just on the other thing mentioned in your post, there's a sense of sadness/regret that you've not been able to get anything for the baby as everyone else has done it. I understand that feeling. I really think you would benefit from getting one small thing for your baby, be it a sleepsuit from Tesco or a blanket or something, just something that you were able to get for your baby. Do you think finances could allow for that?

I don't know. We are so stretched at the moment and will be for a long time. His parents are having to pay half of our rent and we're surviving on £70 a month for food, so I can't really ask to buy anything for baby because it would be an expense we don't need. We already had to shell out for some clothes that fitted me this month.

I actually think it's lovely to re-use other people's baby stuff.

I have bought very little new for both my babies, practically everything I have is a hand me down, car boot, gumtree or ebay item, including hospital going home clothes. Reusing any baby stuff is both ethical and sensible. And your baby won't care either way!

Also, buying something yourself for your baby doesn't have to be new and expensive - you can get lovely baby clothes etc at fetes - why not go to a car boot sale/fete yourself so you feel more in control of what you are receiving? Or take up knitting?!

Please don't feel bad about accepting money from his parents for rent either. Lots of parents support their children with rent and mortgages. My DH's have, massively so. You could do with some more food budget though. Could they help you with that until you get your child benefit? And have you looked into child tax credits/housing benefit etc?

On another note though, you sound a little depressed? Could you talk to your midwife/GP or make contact with your local sure start centre? They often have ante-natal groups which cost nothing, and you could meet some people. It is common to feel out of touch with your pregnancy, esp if your first. But please go and talk to someone about how you feel. xx

Will u be able to claim any maternity beneftits, maternity allowance I think can be paid from 29 weeks, what about the sure start grant (might be out dated info, best ask job centre!) You will get child benefit in the least when baby arrives, could u earmark a tenner from the first payment and plan to go to car boot or primark to buy the baby a little something just from you? Have u picked up bounty packs and Emma Diaries packs? (be warned u sign up for a lifetime of emails!) might be worth it for freebies and money off vouchers. Hope you feel better about things soon xx

Pregnancy is not always a bundle of laughs is it? However; I would say that you are actually being extremely useful in dedicating your body to helping this child to grow. Your family sound really handy to have around in financial terms. Don't worry to much about the contribution thing at the moment - you have 18/20 years of forking out to come. Have you thanked the family etc but also said that you want to do more yourself, in the ways that you can (may not be financial).

I got fed up with constant baby talk too. I think you are within you rights to ban it in order of saying where you are up to. It's good to 'out your feelings' now so that they do not go on to become something bigger later (I developed PND wouldn't wish that on anybody).

Have you tried something like freecycle to obtain quality goods free?

We get £33 a week for housing benefit and that's all the help we can get till baby is here. My dad will occasionally take me food shopping if the cupboards get too bare. I feel horrible asking for money. I should be working but I have tried for 3 years to get a job and have pretty much given up as most people won't take on someone who is pregnant anyway.

We are going to OH's parents for the weekend next week and are going to a car boot with them so OH has said we can use £5-10 to get something for baby as he knows how upset I am.

Don't get me wrong I have no issue with stuff being second hand. I would rather it be something previously used to be honest as baby doesn't know where it's come from and you can use the money you save elsewhere. I just feel like I haven't been able to buy ANYTHING second hand or new and it feels a bit like it isn't my baby.

I'm usually okay about being so skint as i'm used to it. I think it's just a combination of hormones and everything getting on top of me that has caused me to feel like this. i'm sure i'll snap out of it soon enough.

Crying, have you looked into wether you are entitled to the sure start £500 maternity grant? Definitely worth a looking into if you're unemployed and your DH is on a low wage, sometimes you aren't entitled before the baby is born but can become eligible afterwards.I totally understand where you're coming from though, as kind as it is to be bought everything, there's something important in feeling like you have chosen something for your own baby, to me anyway.

If I don't feel like talking about the pregnancy (which I sometimes don't) I tend to give vague replies and then turn the conversation around to the other person - people like to talk about themselves I find After that, the talk tends to go back to normal subjects.

I think you're on my antenatal thread too, please feel free to come and rant to us whenever you feel like it!

I remember feeling crappy about money too. We also got a lot of hand me downs and our parents helped us out a lot too and it felt like I'd chosen nothing for my baby. Even though she wasn't the first grandchild, she was the first for a while on both sides and all the grandparents got baby fever. I was grateful, but it still got to me a bit.

You're 22 weeks now, you could put aside even a couple of quid each week and save up for something you can buy yourself. We bought a little teddy bear that was her first teddy, and it still makes me smile that it was something we chose and bought for her. Or save up for a charity shop binge!

I kind of know how you feel, and a lot of it is physical. Have you had time to slow right down and actually connect with your body? Go for a swim or just lay on the bed, breathe deep and really feel the lovely baby inside you and all the change that is happening. I know pregnancy doesn't define you but just allowing yourself to sink into it, remember that its you doing all this amazing stuff, may help.

pistachio I can't get the grant because we don't get any benefits which is stupid.

that must feel difficult, I'm sorry. Slightly different but I remember a friend being pregnant and feeling sad that so many people had made things for her baby, she wasn't crafty and didnt feel she could make something for him and it made her really upset.
You'd be suprised how many temp jobs will consider offering you work this far in...sometimes they just have a 5 day contract but if things are really tight a couple of hundred pounds for a few days work could be a complete godsend..I would definitely recommend signing up with some agencies. The other alternative is doing some ironing/cleaning/baby sitting locally, citizens advice can help you with declaring earnings, and even the odd tenner here and there could be really helpful..have you tried much volunteering in areas that interest you? Even a couple of weeks work placement now could make you more employable once the baby is born, and might take your mind off feeling useless, which im sure youre not.
It's so lovely that oh's parents are paying half the rent, and that your dad takes you shopping sometimes...not many people would be in the position to help so much so that's amazing, you are clearly very well loved :)
xxxx

I do volunteer at a cafe and doing some writing for website which keeps be busy a few days a week.
I do knit but I am feeling despondent about it recently. I have made booties mittens and a hat but that felt like I was just doing something to pass the time rather than making something for baby iyswim.
I know and I'm very greatful for all the help we get dont get me wrong.

hi crying didn't want to read and run. Just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone. I am sick of everyone wanting to talk about the baby - I answer the same hundred questions everyday. "It's due in January, yes I am finding out the sex, no I don't know if it's a boy or girl, no I don't really have a preference, yes our scan is next month, yes I do have a bump now don't I." arghhh!!!
You are not alone re the money thing either. We are tight on money and my parents have bought us nearly everything. I am so sick of worrying about money constantly but just keep in my mind that the moment you hold your baby for the first time, nothing else will matter as much. xx

I think making bootees, mittens and a hat is far far more meaningful than buying something :)

I made a cardigan and hat for each of my twins while I was pregnant (it took the whole pregnancy, and my mum made them up for me the night before my scheduled CS!) and I am so proud that they came home from hospital wearing things I had made.

Can you focus on organising the things you've been given, washing clothes, organising babies room? Maybe you could ask your parents/a sibling for a sampler kit for Christmas, but have it now so you can stitch it ready to add name, date etc once the baby arrives (at Christmas, ish, if my maths is right)? You'll not have time to make one while baby is little, but you could make it in advance and then add details later?

Forgot to address the main point of your post!

Invite your friends round for a DVD night, but tell them you want a night off from baby talk. If you specifically ask ten not to mention babies in advance, then you can legitimately throw popcorn at them if they raise the subject

what is a sampler pack?

I went out for lunch with ny friends today and said there was not allowed to be any baby talk. I said it politely but they were a bit upset about it. they're all so excited about it I guess. I felt horrible and ended up spending the time discussing all things baby again.

You may be able to apply for income support from 10weeks before your due date and then if you get that you can apply for the sure start grant. So it is worth checking what you are entitled to benefit wise.

I completely understand about how you feel like an incubator and also am fed up of baby talk. Now that I'm due (tomorrow) it's even worse, I just get people asking me all the time if the baby is coming etc and it's driving me mad. Even a simple 'how are you' would be nice.

Don't feel shy to say to your friends that you don't want to talk about baby stuff and you just want a 'normal' conversation.

I hope you feel better about things soon and that it goes well xx

Sorry, I misread your last post. Maybe give your friends a half an hour baby talk window ;-) x

I don't mind talking about the baby but I would just like someone to ask how I am before the baby not as an added afterthought.
had a scan today as they couldn't get all the measurements at the 20 week scan. everything is fine but I've now realised the next time I see baby will be in December. kind of sad about that :(

How exciting :-) don't be sad you are more than half way there, before you know it you will be a little family. Enjoy your time to read/surf in peace, pop out whenever you feel like it and sleep whenever you like!

Mine was a December baby and it feels like just yesterday she was inside and I was counting down for the arrival. I was redundant at 38 weeks, loads of hand me downs here for the baby and once I was off work I just lived in maternity leggings (and in the early weeks too). I only found out the big deal about 'going home outfits' after I was already home with her and discovered MN - maybe its a MN thing?

Don't be sad, this should be such a lovely time for you please try and enjoy it.

Even if just by browsing in shops and online to dream about what you would buy if you could, then rummaging through bargain bins, boot sales and NCT sales to try and find similar items (I found it helped to decide what I was looking for otherwise I was a bit aimless and didn't know where to start).

Take care and be kind to yourself

Thankyou. I am going to have a wander round town and look at cots and things. I am getting one off my brother and he doesn't know the measurements but told me the make so I am going to go and find out how big it is and see if it will fit in our tiny bedroom! I could look online but I want to get out of the flat for a while.

Google "statutory maternity allowance". It's for women who are not employed (including self employed, unemployed etc). £135 a week once the baby's born, I think for 36 weeks.

God, I felt like an incubator especially first time round. Certain people always asked after and touched the bump, no interest in me. You have my sympathy!

Ooh, I shall check that out bonzo I know i'll be eligible for stuff when baby is here, but that's not much help right now. It is good to know it won't be as tough with another mouth to feed.