Surprise pregnancy, father doesn't want to be involved.

[anonymous2360]

Hi, don't really know how to start this so it might not make proper sense, apologies in advance!

So I'm 23 and found out I'm pregnant, been with my bf for 10 months, I was on the pill and hadn't taken any antibiotics so it's really a shock. Obviously totally unplanned. My bfs first reaction was to get rid of it, there was absolutely no discussion whatsoever, he was very adamant. I didn't really argue at first because I was in complete shock and it hadn't really sunken in. He then took himself off for a weeks holiday and was very sporadic with keeping in touch. During this time I had a really bad bout of morning sickness, ended up going to hospital because I was so worried and after trying to contact him several times and leaving him teary voicemail messages there was nothing from him until about 2 days later.

When I finally saw him again he was still completely against me having it. I'm not stupid, I've thought about everything logically. I'm under no illusion that this is going to be easy, and to be honest I've not really factored him into it when considering how I would raise it, I've thought about it from the point of being a single mum because he's made it clear he doesn't want it, which I find extremely hurtful. I understand his reasons for not wanting it, they're the same reasons I thought myself, but when I saw the scan and the baby's heartbeat I just knew I couldn't have an abortion, the idea makes me feel physically sick. When I showed him the scan picture he had absolutely no emotion, it was like it was nothing which just angered me even more.

This may all sound like I've made up my mind, and to be honest I probably have. My worry is his involvement after the child is born. He's said he would be involved, but I know from past experience (it hasn't been the easiest relationship) that he is far too immature to be able to deal with being a parent. I myself grew up with a dad that was only around every now and then, and I can say that it has deeply affected me as an adult and I found it extremely difficult to deal with. My mum has said that she wished she'd stopped my dad being involved (she would have been well within her rights to do so) because she found it so difficult to comfort me when he didn't show up for a visit, but because I already had a relationship with him she felt it was too late.

Do I have any rights to stop him seeing this child? I've read a few bits and pieces online, but there's nothing concrete. I've seen that if I don't put his name on the birth certificate it sort of decreases his rights, and I can ask him to sign away his paternal rights? I understand that this means he doesn't have to give me any money by law but I don't really care about that. I understand this sounds awful and for an outsider it might seem harsh but I really think it would be better for the child, and my gut feeling is that he won't really be that bothered. The only other thing is that his parents are quite strict Catholics, so I think they would want to be involved and would force him to be, but I think that would be for the wrong reasons. I would have no problem with them seeing their grandchild, they live a few hours drive away anyway so it wouldn't be regular. I just really don't want him involved. The man is incapable of any emotion, he can't even hold my hand or kiss me. I've said everything like how when you have a baby and its yours you have so much love for it, when the baby wraps their hand round your finger its amazing but he is just not interested. He hates children which is something I've always known, he's 25 but behaves like a 16 year old. Things between us really came to a head about a week before I found out I was pregnant, he had actually given me chlamydia so it's a miracle I even conceived in the first place (this has all been treated now before anyone worries about the baby-i know its dangerous) He stopped using condoms with me when I went onto the pill, knowing that he had it and chose not to tell me until the end of June, about 5 months later, ironically right around the week I conceived. So you can see what sort of person he is.

I'm sorry for this being so long and I know it's a longshot, I just wondered if anyone had ever found themselves in a similar position or could offer me any advice. I've spoken to family and friends (not my mum yet, I wanted to have a fair idea of what I was doing before I did) and have a lot of support. I understand everyone is entitled to their opinion and people might think I'm being out of order but I would appreciate it if people disagree not to be too strong in voicing their opinions. I've read a few topics though and it seems like a friendly place, I've just had bad experiences on forums before! I really appreciate any advice whatsoever, I've never felt more confused, on the one hand I'm so excited that I could have a baby in 7 months, but sad that it's in these circumstances.

Don't know if you need to know this but I'm 9 and 1/2 weeks pregnant and based in Northern Ireland.

Your child will have 2 parents and unless you have really good reasons they will grant him access. If you do not put his name on the birth cert, he can apply to the courts to be named.

I'm sorry you had such a bad relationship with your own father, but you cannot allow that to stop your baby having a relationship with its father and grandparents.

I became pregnant with my dd after being with my partner for only three months. His first reaction too was " How soon can we schedule the abortion?" My response was " Never" I am solidly pro-choice. I just knew I wanted to continue my pregnancy. I also told him I was capable of seeing it through on my own. I let him know I expected nothing from him except child maintainance. He got very stroppy. We had many long discussions, neither of us giving an inch.
I attended my first midwife visit on my own. He agreed to attend the second. He stayed stone silent through the appointment until the midwife placed the Doppler on my belly and said " There it is, there is your baby's heartbeat." On our way home, my partner suddenly said " WE have so much to do then. We must buy a house, a crib, a car seat.."
Our daughter is six this year. We were married when she was 9 mos. old.
This is not a happily ever after story btw..We have been through some very shit hard times..emotionally, financially and spiritually.
My story differs a bit too as I was 42 when my unplanned pregnancy happened
You make the decision you can best live with. It's all we can do really. Xx

Well after reading this I think you are actually making a very adult decision and if you can do that then great. You have your child's best interests at heart for its future. I also grew up seeing my father in drubs and drabs and it tore me apart as a young teen and child. It fucks you up a bit really. And so I fully support your choice and If you can calmly get him to sign the rights over to you perfect. Better no dad then a shitty dad or a just here and there dad.
I say well done you for carefully and lovingly thinking things through like a mature adult should for good of your unborn child.
Wishing you a happy future with you baby and healthy enjoyable pregnancy. Hat off again to you for being so brave and courageous.
Keep it up girl that baby's is going to have one super mum :) x

It may decrease his rights but as said before he can go to court to apply. To have his name on, he'll need to go with you to register. People say it's better to have no dad than a shitty dad and that's fair enough but it's not fair to deny your child the knowledge of who their father is and the chance to know him; good or bad.

If he doesn't step up after birth to form a relationship with his child then yeah, stop the contact and then leave up to your child when they're old enough.

To me; not using condoms in the first when you've clearly pointed out he wasn't a good boyfriend was a silly thing to do but can't change it now.

Congratulations on your baby. I'm 23 and PG with #5 & #6 but I was 17 with DC1 but with help of a good support system of family and friends you'll do fine. From what you've said it shows you have your child's best interests at heart and that's all that really counts. Good luck and you sound like you'll be a great mum.

ah sweetheart.
tbh you sound like you have really thought this through and know exactly what you want.
from what I can pick up you also sound very mature and responsible and like you will make a lovely mum.
I don't really have advice to give you but I just wanted to say that if your babies father decides not to be in his/her life then you can be secure in the knowledge that you will be a great mum and provide all the love and care that a baby will ever need.
don't worry.
I know it probably feels shit at the moment but these things normally turn out ok in the end.

It's not about your rights, it's about the child's rights. The child has a right to know about its parents - but on the other hand you can't name the father on the birth cert unless he either goes with you or you are married - but your baby might not ever get to know its father if he refuses to have anything to do with the baby.

In all honesty, with the number of single mums I know who have complete deadbeat exes, who use the children as sticks with which to beat their mum, in your shoes I'd be tempted to tell him to do one and never darken your doorstep again as well - but it's not about you (or me).

Talk to your mum. See what her thoughts are. And then do what is right for you at this point, and think about what is right for your baby later.

Hi hun x x i had my now three year old when i was 28.. My pregnancy was a lovely surprise and my partner at the time seemed pleased.. We had been friends for 15years and although not together for long i felt we were strong.... HOWEVER at 7months pregnant he suddenly decided my baby wasnt his......... And moved out and ignored me ntil she was born. I managed to bully him into coming over once to do a paternity test and once to get the reslts which he said i must have faked!!!! I wanted him on the birth certificate but he refused and i never chased him for money. He has not seen my daughter since and i have a wonderful boyf and father or faith and im 35 weeks pregnant with my second... I have felt very guilty for her not seeing her biological father and have been upset about it a lot. I worry that ine day she will wnt to know why he didnt want her and i dont know what to say but she has a stble homelife and i think it is best for her to have tobey than to have me trying to bully james to be involved... I think whatever you do you are likely to feelguilty hun but you just do what you can and what is best sweets and that is all you can do x x x x x x

Thanks for all the replies. I just want to be clear that I would never ever stop my child from having anything to do with him when he/she is old enough, I just don't want him darting in and out of the child's life which I know he will be. I know in my heart if I ask him to have nothing to do with it he'll happily stand back, I was just more concerned that if he did all that and signed away his rights could he just suddenly waltz back in years later??

This might be contradictory, but it's not a case of me not wanting him to be in contact forever, if he reaches a stage where he has matured and can prove he will be a stable influence then fair enough, likewise if my child asks then (when they're old enough) I'll tell them, I don't plan on lying about the whole situation. I actually ended up forming a good relationship with my dad after I turned 19, (sadly he died last year) so I know that people can change and positive relationships can be formed later on.

Thank you again for all your help, my next step is telling mum, unfortunately her mother-in-law died yesterday so it's a bit of an odd situation. I will let you know how things progress.

anonymous2360 I was almost in identical position over 10 years ago at 22 years old. Been with my then BF for 3 years but it was coming to a horrible end, and we?d split up the week before I found out I was P.
I was also at uni about to do finals. His parents were also strict Catholics!!

I was in utter turmoil? he reacted emotionally, crying (for himself) and then wrote me the cruellest, most heartless letter I?ve ever read, making cases ?for? and ?against? with the emphasis being against keeping it. Not wanting to see her daughter tie to a ?man? like this and possibly throw away a career, my mum gently also suggested not keeping it, as well as my grandmother. My dad, who?s a ladies man and player surprisingly said don?t think it will ever mean you wont meet another guy, a lot of men don?t mind women who already have kids- basic as this sounds it was god to hear at the time.
I was in turmoil, but made a rash decision of having abortion. To cut a long story- the first one failed? and I carried on with pregnancy without realising till at nearly 12 weeks they realised, and I had to have another one.
It tore me apart, to put it lightly?. I hope to publish my teenage dairies and my now pregnancy diary, with a look back at this whole situation, and publish my Ex?s letter as part of it, so the world can see how cruel some men are capable of being (of course I?d keep him anon!).

Looking back- did I make right decision? I?m still not comfortable with it and still feel deeply sad especially when a certain song that I remember listening to and crying to at the time ever comes on the radio. I feel haunted. I also never went on to have as amazing a career as my education might have suggested I would, so feel in terms of that- I shouldn?t have let the thought of never finding a decent job hold me back.
I?m glad I don?t have ties to my EX but Ill never know what would have been in terms of the child.

I?m now married (to a lovely man!) and 25 weeks pregnant, and so hopeful and happy this time round. He knows about my past and honestly said had I come with a child already-initially he probably wouldn?t have dated me. But he said if he?s had a chance to really get to know me and flal for me and then known I had a child, it probably wouldn?t have made a difference.
Sorry this probably isn?t really helping, but you sound a lot more sorted and stronger than I was, and if youve already bonded with your baby, go for it! A friend of mine has just done exactly the same after the father wanted nowt to do with it, and you wouldn?t believe the support she got from her friends and family before her lovely daughters arrival. I?ve never see anything like it! x

I don't think men can sign away their rights because in uk law the focus is on the child's rights and they have a right to know who their parents are. A man can't edit himself out of a child's life. But you can give him the choice of regular contact or no contact and see what he chooses.

I am 9 weeks pregnant with my first child and I am 39. The father doesn't want to know nothing about it as it was quite a casual relashionship for him. He also just had a one year old baby with another' casual ' relashionship and recognised the little one as his own. But to me He said he doesn't want nothing to do with the child and doesn't want his family to know.I think it's because of ethinc reason. He cancelled me from his contacts and in every possible way even if I made clear I will not force him at any stage to be in our life's if he doesn't desire it.
Even if I am a grow up woman it does really hurt the idea that he doesn't want anything to do with us and I feel really guilty for my child that will most probably not have his or her bilogical father around. Maybe I took the risk because deeply in me I did desired in my heart to get pregnant. Fact is that now I have so many mix feelings about this pregnancy, but at the same time I can't wait for this little person to come in this world. Also financially my situation is quite bad but I had a business for many years and I am a hard worker I think I should be fine to raise this kid by my self. I never thought I will be a single mum and I join this site because feels so good to hear other stories like mine, with hope and real struggles. I will love your feed backs, I feel quite lonely against all the rational reason why I shouldn't have this baby.

I understand what you are going through Isa1978. I too find myself in a similar situation. 9 weeks pregnant. The father doesn't want anything to do with the baby. We were in a relationship for over 3 years. He wanted marriage but i wasn't ready. We both had been through hard divorces. We lived together for a year with his two children and my one child from our previous marriages. It was very difficult because everything happened so quickly. He broke up with me half way through our relationship but some how continued a monogamous relationship without the expectations we once had - it became casual but we got along better. He phased me out from his family and friends. I was kept a secret but only seen as a friend. It hurt. I tried to leave that casual relationship but he didn't want me to and we both cared for each other. But everything changed a few weeks ago when i found out i was pregnant. It took 2 very difficult conversations and i realized how cruel he really was - very adamant for me to abort, accusing me of forcing him to become a father if i chose to keep it and if i forced him to be a father then he would force me to give up the child once he/she is born and would take it way, etc. I saw a side of him i have never seen before and the vile words towards the baby left me very ill for days. We were both in shock and i know many thoughts running through his head were not and aren't making sense. All the stress started to make me sick. So we both decided not to speak to one another. I don't know what lies ahead. I've gone back to church - my family and friends and coworkers and church/my faith are what is sustaining me and keeping me sane and centered. I am 41 and facing the normal fears of difficult pregnancy in my age, plus added fears of finances, future, fatherless child, etc. Reading these posts helps to see I'm not alone and we will be okay. Hard road ahead but stronger for it. My baby and i will be okay - we are not alone and neither are you. Hugs!

Dear anonymous2360 - firstly thank you for this post as it has highlighed and answered some of the questions I had myself - so thanks all for your comments. I didn't realise the date of this post immediately so I hope all is well wth you and your child.
Dear Isa1978 and Mami2B - I thinking of you both as I write this. I too am in a similar situation. I will be 13 weeks in a few days. I was only with the father on a causal basis a little whille. Due to ethic and religious reasons he cannot accept me as the mother of his child and although we both agreed to keep the baby (neither of us believe in abortion) at this stage, he won't have anything further to do with me or the child. At first I was scared and I felt very stressed but now with the support of my amazing family and friends I am enjoying everyday of my pregancy. I know there is a tough road ahead in the next few months as I have to move and maybe find a second job so I can make some savings before the baby comes . I say to you both as well as I say to myself, just stay strong, know you have been given a blessing and from what I read you will both be excellent mothers, congratulations! . I am 38, this is my first and I hope you will both join me in throwing up a big YIPPPEEEE, we are going to have beautiful babies!!!! Lots of love xx

I’m not sure if this thread is still going but figured it worth a shot to post.

A lot of the stories on here are incredibly relatable and am gaining new strength through reading all of them, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in these kinds of problems.

I’m 23 and nearly 9 weeks pregnant and at first, when I mentioned the news to the father he was naturally surprised (as was I) but welcoming...
He told me it was my decision in what to do and he’d support it either way.

I went over the idea of having an abortion and had booked an appointment but I just couldn’t follow through with it, my heart broke and I was reduced to (and still am reduced to) a bawling mess whenever I think about it.

I’m also terrified of having a baby but after much deliberation I have decided I want to keep this child.

My decision was at first based on the idea that we’d be able to do-parent but recent events have made it clear that isn’t going to be the case, at least for now.

Either way, I do believe in me and my own strengths and think I’m more than capable of raising a child alone and I have been the most at peace with myself since making the decision to have this baby....

Since telling the father of my decision, he’s had a change of heart and is now appalled at the fact I have made the choice to keep this baby.

He can’t seem to understand why I would want to raise a child under these circumstances, has told me countless of times that he thinks I’m being careless and irrational and dis-acknowledges anything to do with me or our baby.

As you can imagine, the mental manipulations and back and forth arguing have taken a toll on me and I’m exhausted with constantly having to argue and justify my reasons to why I want to keep this baby (all of which he just shoots down and says aren’t valid/reason enough)

I guess what I’m getting at here is, has anyone experienced a u-turn in the father of their child’s behaviour? (Did they come around eventually?)

I know it’s still early days, a tiny little bit of me holds hope but I’m also not expecting great things.

I’d also like to ask if anyone on this thread (or persons reading) is raising a child alone in another country? (I’m an English expat living in Amsterdam).

I’d love to hear your stories/words of wisdom on this one.

✨

im a single mum in a foreign country. It's not always easy and I've made some choices I regret now but essentially it's doable.

Hi I’m totally new to this so I don’t know the short hand sorry in advance!

This is going to take a while. I’ve found out I’m pregnant approx 12 weeks. The father of my unborn child was a brief relationship that ended quite badly...
we were seeing each other approximately 3 weeks he was going thru a really hard time and I was trying to be there for him although I knew in my heart it would never work out. He started to become really over bearing constantly telling me he loved me, needing me with him at all times, consistently trying to over power me and assert control. When I found it safe to do so I left immediately never looking back. I have been in this kind of relationship before and knew the signs and that I could not do it again. I blocked him from having any contact wotsoever.

I found out 3 weeks later I was pregnant by him, I slowly tried to speak to him again test the water to c if after the hard time he had went thru he had calmed down any but he was worse than ever, constantly sending me messages, turning up at my place of work, drinking to excess and calling me some of the most horrific names imaginable. This is without him knowing about the baby.

I still haven’t told him, I’m really unsure if it would be the right thing to do. I’m 31 he’s 53 and has told me from the beginning in no uncertain terms does he ever want any more children ( he has 2 adult offspring )

I’m really struggling, initially I thought it would be easier not to have he baby at all, I’m already a single mother with a 12 year old daughter. I have got over the shock and believe I could be an amazing mum the second time round. I have always been on my own with my girl. She has a loving healthy relationship with her dad and his family. She’s an absolute credit to me.

I would be totally on my own, both my parents have passed away within the last 5 years, so I would have no help in that respect. I have a couple of good friends, but no immediate family to speak of.

Would like any advice... should I tell the baby’s dad? Do I have the right to go it alone without consulting him? I’m scared of his reaction and the abuse I will receive on top of wot Ive already had from him?

Thanks in advance for any reply’s x

Honestly your whole entire message made me feel like you just typed out my life atm regarding my unborn child’s father! Scared me for a moment as if you were talking about the same person! I’m 5wks pregnant and was on the pill when I had fallen pregnant. I felt as if he was forcing me to abort our baby to the point where I booked the apt which was a two week wait and he promised he would be there for me as at that point I was considering doing it but felt I was only considering it because he had acted so horribly about the idea of keeping it. Anyway I’ve had the exact same experience as you. I’ve had a very long message off him today calling me all kinds because I couldn’t go through with the abortion. I already have a 3yr old who’s father is hardly there and that kills me but I’ve done it on my own the past 2yrs and I can very well do it again!! Congratulations to you and good luck! Xxx

Hi, I have a 6 year old daughter and split from her Dad when she was 3, 6 months ago he came back into our lifes saying how he wanted us back and wanted to make things right. Few months later he changed his mind but kept on coming back. I have now found out I'm pregnant and he is adamant he doesn't want anything to do with the baby is trying to persuade me to gave an abortion saying I'm ruining his life and I'll end up regretting it and it's not fair to bring a baby into this world without a Dad, and not fair that I'm going through with this when he doesn't want it.This isn't the situation I thought I'd be having my second child in but I want to keep my baby. It's really hard when he isn't on

Let me just say it’s very comforting to know that I’m not the only one dealing with a similar situation but it also saddens me how men can be so un emotional & inconsiderate. All of you ladies deserve a beautiful healthy baby & I wish you all just that who ever is going through with it and if you choose not to then I wish you nothing but healing and comfort in knowing you made the right decision for you and for the situation as best as you knew how . These situations are never easy and you never think that you will be in one of them . So l want to share with you my story ....I’m 28 I am 11 weeks & 4 days pregnant I was with my boyfriend who is 29 for a short period of time (7 months to be exact) I was very much in love with him and he expressed his love for me on a daily . . . We became intimate after 2 months of dating and first we were using protection but as we got closer that stopped . . I felt very comfortable with him and he has a 9 yr old child that lives in another state with the mom . Wich he speaks highly of and is there financially & face times him everyday he also visits but has not seen him in 2 yrs because of his busy work schedule. So now that u know a little about him I became pregnant about 4 months into our relationship when I broke the news to him he said “wow I have to go to work” we both laughed it off and went on with our days together . Mind you we talked about kids and family and having both parents in the home before and he insisted that that’s what he believed in and that when he was with his ex he was very much in love with her and tried to work it out with her but she cheated and he felt like he couldn’t live with her anymore so he left and they went there separate ways . . So I didn’t see him as a bad father because things happen and some relationships just don’t last right ? Anyways as the weeks went on I became more nauseous and more nervous I recall staying at his house for a whole week because I didn’t want my sister who lives with me to even sense I was pregnant I wasn’t ready to tell her just yet . He took care of me made sure I ate even if I didn’t feel like eating at all . He was so attentive and even tho I was sick I thought to myself “wow he’s taking this really well “ lol maybe because he’s already been through it . . Then the last day of that week I slept over he went to work and sent him a text thanking him for his support and how I was excited to be bringing a life into the world and also very scared . He replied asking me am I ready and are am I sure I want to do this and asking be about my job and things of that sort . So instantly I got offended because I felt like he was doubting me and doubting this baby inside of me . We didn’t talk for a couple days and then when we did speak I came over and ask him did he want an abortion he told me no but he still seemed unsure long story short I asked him again a week later to that conversation because now he was being very distant and cold he told me yes he wanted me to abort it mind you in my mind I wanted this baby so when he told me he didn’t it broke my heart I literally cried my self to sleep that night . And the next day he acted like nothing happened . I told him I would respect his decision and abort it and he told me he would help with the cost by this time I had already mention the pregnancy to my mom and sister because I was torn and confused about what I was going to do knowing he didn’t want the bby . I gave him a week to get the money together and Saturday I was going to get it done . The night before we had an argument and he said pretty hurt ful things to me told me not to come around anymore and that I was being annoying all because I asked him would he have the money to get the procedure done by Friday . I also explained to him that I could not be with him after the abortion because I wouldn’t be able to look at him the same . He even had the nerve to offer to come with me after he hurt my feelings . But I told him I would rather go with someone who truley cares about me cause obvi he wasn’t acting like it right ? ! So Saturday came didn’t hear anything from him didn’t txt me and tell me to come get the money NOTHING. I sent him a txt the next day reminding him that I was already 11 weeks and him procrastinating to give his share of the money isn’t helping me at all . It still leaves me completely puzzled what man wants you to get an abortion tells you he will give you the money (wich I know he has) and then just ignores u and doesn’t answer the phone u would think that he would of had this money front and center . Anyways I have decided to keep this baby because I know in my heart it’s the right thing to do I know it won’t be easy but I have a great support system and god is definitely on my side at the end of the day it’s not even about us anymore it’s about this beautiful life I will see and love forever in 9months ! It was so hard for me to make this decision because of the circumstances but u really have to go with what your heart is telling you it’s not his decision it’s your body and your life . I get no women wants to force a child on to someone and I told myself that it’s his decision weather he wants to be there for them or not he’s missing out not me . Maybe he will have a change of heart since he has a kid and maybe he just won’t . But that’s not my problem and that’s how I’m looking at it . I hope my story helped someone to make the right decision 💖

I’ve been in a similar position but my partner changed his mind once he finally accepted I wasn’t having an abortion.
From a financial point of view id definitely get maintenance from him even if you both decide he will have nothing to do with the baby. I was a single Mum at 25 for 4 years, worked 3 days a week and had a mortgage. My wages covered this but the extra from my ex definitely enhanced the children’s lives, we were able to go on holidays, have days out, I never had to worry about school trips and they both had music lessons etc... (he actually didn’t have any contact with them for those 4 years and that was a decision he made, but has seen them For the past 5 years and has a good relationship with them).
If he chooses no contact that’s up to him but that doesn’t mean he can just walk away with no consequences.

Gosh, so many of us in a similar situation....I understand your feelings completely, it does sound like you've made your mind up and one thing to remember is you know and you can only do your best.

My situation is I'm 32 been with my partner 2 years and we fell pregnant 6 months ago his first words to me were 'we are getting rid of it right?' this hurt me so much so I booked the app, went ahead with it even though it wasn't what I felt was right. 6 months later we've got in the same situation, I use the fertility app (have NEVER been pregnant before, until last time I actually thought I'd probably have trouble TTC), I took the morning after pill as we had sex during my fertile time yet am now 4 weeks pregnant again...and again he's told me the same and again I feel numb and sick as to how can we be so silly but also how can he just keep having abortions (he had 3 with an ex girlfriend, I've only ever had the previous one), I feel like maybe 2020 was the year I was suppose to become a mum, yet I also feel like I don't want to be the only parent excited about having a child, I also don't know if I can do it alone or if it's even fair. My emotions are probably all over the place and this probably doesn't make sense, but don't you also feel if a man truly loves you they'd stand by and talk about both decisions rather make it seem like it's just theirs. Also because he's told me this I've told him to leave and give me my own space as I can't stand to be around him!
Thank you all for sharing your stories, it's so nice to feel like I'm not alone in this.
I wish you all the best with whichever decision you decide and know you'll make the right one- as we only know what's best for us right?

So my story is not as similar as the father wants to be involved. I am a little over 16 weeks pregnant with my 2nd baby. My daughter is almost 3 years old and her father and I divorced in November of 2019. He is a very good, loving dad. Not to say we have been through a lot together and wasn’t always such a good relationship (hence splitting). I was seeing someone during the separation and learned a great deal about his past and learned he had been lying about some things (dangerous lifestyle) that he was still involved in. When I found out I was pregnant I told him of course. He was immediately accepting and wanted to be involved. As days went on he started demanding certain custody and not wanting anything in the court system. He is a felon, has done prison time, no car, will never have a decent job due to his background and lives with his mom still. He also got custody revoked from his daughter for his lifestyle. As I started sharing with close family and friends that I was pregnant and the situation all advised I should not continue having him involved. The issue I have though is that he will not sign over rights (I haven’t asked but I know). I began avoiding him as he was becoming more aggressive and wanting a relationship with me which I did not want and I had ended before I found out we had conceived. I basically told him there was no baby. I know many people will judge me for this. But I have thought this through so much it’s made me sick. He is a dangerous person and lives a dangerous lifestyle and I don’t feel him being apart of the babies life or mine or my daughters would be safe. I am not sure how to go about all of this legally. I’m afraid if he does find out I kept the baby and had the baby he will do something drastic. (He one time took his daughter from her mother and wouldn’t tell her where they were for weeks).

I know once the child starts asking about their father I will feel as though it is the child right to know their father. I feel like I made the best decision. Just don’t know how to go about it legally.

There is no such thing as signing over parental rights. You can physically stop him seeing the child but he will always have the right to take you to court in pursuit of access/custody if he chooses to do so, although the court will take into account his history and previous behaviour and may deny him access based on that. He can also apply to be named on the birth certificate if he is not on it.

Whatever you decide to do, I would make sure you record your concerns about him with your midwife and health visitor so it’s all on record just in case.