Bonding

[ilikebaking]

This is my first pregnancy- am 26+2 today.
I have really put off posting this and generally talking about it, I did ask DH a couple of weeks ago and he agreed that he was feeling exactly the same, which didn't help.
I have not, in any way, shape or form bonded with this baby. I feel horrible writing it, but it is the truth.
I have bought everything for him, named him, logged everything (kicks, dreams, etc) to try and FEEL bonded and seem to the wider world that I am excited, but I'm not.
I am hating being pregnant, every day is a struggle and its horrible.
DH says if I was working, I would be too busy to even think about it, but I don't think that's true, I would be overwhelmed and more anxious. I volunteer, which I love doing, but I am SO tired when I do that it just doesn't seem worth it, even though emotionally I know it helps.
The pregnancy started badly, suspected ectopic, bleeding, lots of internal scans and being told I would need an operation, so I never thought I would get this far.
The pregnancy was 100% planned, 6 months of trying, and then we got our BFP and it was amazing, on DH birthday and everything, and then the blood and hospital and everything.
I keep pretending how happy I am, with the baby kicking and stuff, but I hate that too.
I feel like a complete fraud and don't understand why I am not 'living the dream' and marveling at this amazing time. I told my MW I was struggling and she said it was normal, and that a lot of women don't enjoy pregnancy, but nobody talks about it and that I am probably anxious about becoming a parent and what to do is talk to DH about it.
In reality, a miscarriage would be the best thing to happen, because I don't see this changing when the baby arrives, I genuinely dislike what is happening to my body and don't want to be a Mum.
DH doesn't feel bonded because it is hard to feel kicks regularly, and he can't feel or experience any of this, but the man feeling detached is 'more normal' from what I have heard/read not the woman. DH wants a 3D/4D scan and so do I, but I know I am only booking it because I really hope I will get the 'feeling' finally, I don't want to waste £119 and then still not care.
Its not that I feel violent or angry towards the baby, I just wish it wasn't there anymore.

Hello ilikebaking,

Firstly, well done for getting that off your chest. What a hard thing it must be to say but I'm glad you have. I'm currently pregnant with my first baby and although I can't empathise with how you feel I didn't want to ignore your post and would like to offer some support. I'm surprised your midwife took quite a blasé approach as although I can see there being some sense to what she said, it comes across as more than just 'normal anxiety' in your post - it seems to be something much deeper. To say that a miscarriage would be the best thing to happen is not a standard response to 'not enjoying pregnancy' and your feelings need to be taken seriously.

Is your husband concerned about how you're feeling? Does he know you wish the baby wasn't here anymore?

Even though your husband isn't carrying the baby and doesn't feel the kicks that doesn't mean he shouldn't feel bonded. I'm only 8 weeks and my hubby always has his hands on my belly and 'talks' to our little Bean. Do you ever spend time talking to each other about what you think his personality will be and what his name will be? And do you talk about how your life will be when the baby arrives? I.e talk about the new life you will all have and think about it in a happy and positive manner?

People put a lot of store in 'bonding' while pregnant. Don't worry - as soon as you hold your baby in your arms for the first time all of this angst will be forgotten.

Please don't let this upset you or DH. The fact that you are worried about it just shows what lovely parents you will be.

Hi there

Sorry you're feeling so rotten, I had some negative feelings during my first pregnancy and I wish I'd spoken to someone as I'm sure they impacted on my first few months with my first. Please go and speak to your GP and tell them how you're feeling, they can arrange for you to speak to someone and then for extra emotional help post birth. I was expecting my first pregnancy to be amazing and was so shocked when I hated it.

On a positive note my DH was pretty uninterested during the pregnancy but amazing post birth so don't worry on that front. Please speak to someone.

If it helps, I don't think I felt a bond at 26 weeks, nor did my DH. To be honest I felt quite disconnected from the baby when he moved and when people asked me about how excited I must be. I'm now 39 weeks and still don't feel like I know my baby, but I do look forward to meeting and getting to know him. How we develop the relationship with our own baby is different for everyone, try not to judge how you should be feeling on how you think others are - I'm pretty sure everyone has had moments of feeling scared and totally out of control of their body, their life and their future during pregnancy.

You're going through the biggest period of change in your life and it is understandable to find it difficult adjusting and keeping positive all the time.

But from your post it does sound like you may have prenatal depression. If I was you I'd tell my MW and say that I want to speak to someone to have a session of CBT. If she's not very helpful then try your GP. I would also find a local doula to speak to about the changes you're dealing with. I did and she really helped me get my head around everything and gave me a chance to talk privately and openly with someone very experienced, without any judgement.

find a doula here the ones I've met have been very flexible and will help with as much or as little as you need, even if it's just a long chat over a cup of tea.

Poor you, OP - I think you're very brave to be so honest about how you're feeling. I haven't been through exactly the same thing, but can relate to a lot of what you're saying. My first pregnancy was stressful in the first trimester too, with bleeding, a threatened miscarriage and lots of extra scans and appointments. It was an awful time and a shock because I had never considered that my much-wanted pregnancy wouldn't be this mythical, magical time. Could it be that your feelings now are related back to that time? That you feel indifferent as a self preservation thing? Looking back, my way of coping was to view pregnancy as a practical state of being in order to have a baby. I was very matter of fact about it rather than feeling like a mum and bonding and so on. In fact, when my DD arrived, I still didn't feel that rush of love that some women talk about: it was a far more gradual thing and while I wanted to protect and care for her, I didn't feel that we properly bonded until she was six or seven months old. Not saying this to worry or scare you, but just to say that every woman's situation is different and you don't have to feel the way that everyone else says they do.

Having said all that, it's great that you are already talking to your midwife and DP about it (I pretended and didn't tell anyone how I felt). Maybe you need to talk to your midwife again and emphasise exactly how you feel, or if she doesn't feel like the correct person, maybe your GP.

Also, don't be hard on yourself. Before you go through it you can't imagine the physical and emotional demands of pregnancy, so it's no surprise that it can differ from your initial hopes and expectations. Big hug from me.

my ds was very much planned (as is dc2 - on its way) but I just don't get the bonding in pregnancy thing. How can I bond i with someone I do not know nor have met just because they are residing in my uterus? Although I do no truly know how I would feel in the event of a miscarriage, i think it would be having to ttc all over again that would upset me the most rather than anything to do with this particular baby.
I loved, in caring way, for ds as soon as he was born but an overwhelming conditional love grew day by day as I got to know him.

DH would frequently forget I was pg with ds, even in the later stages, and I dont think he bonded in any way shape or form until ds arrived and even then it was a gradual process. Now they are as thick as thieves

Ohhh ilikebaking I am so relieved to see your post, I have been toying with posting something similar during the last few days but have been hoping my feelings would change and that I was just having a hormonal wobble.

I absolutely crapped myself when I first found out I'd got pregnant within about 4 seconds of trying - DP is absolutely desperate to have children and having spent my whole life thinking I didn't want them (for all sorts of reason), I thought very hard about it (for 2 years!) and decided I did actually want to have one with him. It all happened about a year quicker than what we thought it would take though, so it all came as a bit of a shock.

I spent my first trimester absolutely terrified and wondering what the f*ck I had done, but then suddenly something kicked in and I started absolutely loving the idea of us being a family. I totally bonded with the baby, we named it (something stupid) and projected a personality on him and everything and despite the fact I've absolutely loathed being pregnant, I've got really excited about having this new person in my life that me and DP have made.

However... I'm now 33 weeks and in the last week or so everything's totally changed. I feel totally unprepared for starters, not just in terms of having things ready for him, but emotionally. I don't feel anything towards the baby at all anymore. In fact, I don't want to have one at all; I don't want my life to change and I don't want to be a mum or have this mammoth responsibility of having a baby to look after. I'm convinced I'm going to drop him or leave him somewhere or something. Neither my DP or I have every had anything to do with babies, we have no idea what we're doing - and he keeps saying he's relying on me to know what to do because I'm the mum, so I'll just know - he's also found it difficult to bond, though I think that's normal when all they see is their DP getting enormous without being able to experience anything themselves. And I now keep having awful dreams in which something terrible happens to the baby and I just feel total relief at not having to have him. I do feel horribly, horribly guilty about that though so just really hope that it's some kind of normal pregnancy wobble and I'm going to feel completely different next week - or at least when the baby comes. But in the meantime... I'm terrified he's going to come out and I'm just going to totally resent both him, my DP and my whole new life.

I feel a bit better for getting that off my chest - thank you ilikebaking for doing so first. I send you huge hugs, sorry I have no advice but hopefully you'll feel a bit better not knowing you're not the only one. I do - a bit . And thank you everyone else for saying such brilliantly supportive things so far .

Wow, you poor thing to be feeling like this. And you too, bingeddy.

just so you know, you're bound to feel terrified at this enormous change- your life will never be the same again. You have no idea how you'll cope or even if you'll cope.

However, wanting to miscarry or feeling relief in dreams that something terrible has happened to your baby is NOT normal pregnancy behaviour. I really think you need to talk seriously to your midwife as this does sound to me Luke depression, which left unresolved, could be awful for you and your baby.

Please go and see someone again (maybe a GP?).

OP I have felt like this too. This pregnancy (my first) wasn't planned, came just as I found out work was making redundancies and restructuring, I lost my beloved dog and I moved in with my DP. Oh and a couple of weeks later I turned 40!

I've never wanted kids and this is sooo the wrong timing for me. I was going to leave my work but obviously with being pregnant I have had to stay there for maternity so I feel trapped but had to take a huge pay cut. I have deeply resented this baby for putting me in this position and financially I am screwed for the next 12 months and again this is due to the pregnancy.

I also thought I was losing the baby early on (and would have been happy to) but it was just a bleed and nothing serious. Now I am determined to do everything as I should as I have decided to pursue this pregnancy but I don't feel bonded with the baby. My DP is pleased now but wasn't at the start and everyone around me is really excited too.

When I see my MW again at 24 weeks I will suggest they arrange some counselling for me (this was mentioned at my first appointment) as I think I need something to help me bond.

ilikebaking I think you need to speak to your MW about getting some counselling to deal with how you feel and try to accept that this is a hard time for you. Some women breeze through pregnancy, feeling a bond immediately but others don't. The fact that others have posted on here to say you aren't the only one should hopefully make you feel a little better. xxx

Hmmm. I have felt elements of lots of different things expressed here.

I never wanted children, was very vocal about it. my DH was the one who instigated it and I agreed. It was deff wat i wanted. We got pregnant immediately so had no time to really adjust to the idea.

Had a lot of scares, high risk pregnancy, cerclage, it has been the most stressful time of my life. All the while working like a dog.

I don't feel maternal at all, I have never held a baby, no clue what to do with one, am terrified of being a shxt mother, my relationship with DH bein ruined, never having sex again, never sleeping again, being driven mad by a screaming baby and never being spontaneous and my life being over. Oh and that the child will be scarred for life by me in some way and end up hating me.

Some of my friends have been honest enough to say that they felt like this too and also that there was no 'rush of love' when thir babies were born,it grew.

So I thought that some of these fears and worries wre normal tbh. It never crossed my mind that it could be Pre natal depression....

My experience of post natal depression sounds a bit like some of what you are describing. I didn't feel depressed so I didn't think it could be PND, but my thinking was all muddled up, for example I told DH we should have DD adopted and I meant it. Hoping for a miscarriage is not what most women feel during pregnancy. Perhaps see your GP and stress how bad you're feeling - or tell someone you trust and take them with you to the GP to relay it. My Mum took me to the doctors and explained everything which made it easier. Best of luck with everything

Thank you so much everyone, really.
Just writing it down made me feel so much better.
I had another chat with DH and he has told me to try and separate the feelings so when I start thinking about how much I am hating being pregnant, not to let this develop into hating the baby. Because, as he pointed out, it isn't the babies fault I am miserable.
Going to make an emergency appointment with the GP on Monday and explain how I am feeling, because I am worried that this is going to develop into something more serious where I won't be able to see that I am acting irrationally.
I AM excited about being a Mum (most of the time) but all these negative emotions keep taking over and when I am really tired/down I just give in to them and then feel worse because I feel guilty.

Positive steps ilikebaking xx

It's so good that you can admit this, and great that you are going to see the GP too.

I just wanted to share that I absolutely detested being pg until the very last few weeks, when the baby was so big and obviously it started to really feel like a little person inside me, not the 'thing' that was making me so ill.

I took a while to bond properly with her when she was born, but from other threads on here that's normal too. So don't put any extra pressure on yourself if you don't feel a mad rush of love after birth - an awful lot of women don't, and then those first few weeks/months are so overwhelming.

Just keep an eye on how you feel and keep talking.

Well done, ilike, sounds like an excellent plan. Would echo the previous posters' concern re the possibility of pre natal depression (for all of you - bing, kelly and xena) - it's pretty common and doesn't get the same publicity as post natal depression. Well done for the honesty, and for seeking help.
I'm pregnant with twins at the mo and have had some down patches, partly because my husband has had a hard time coming to terms with it - he told me he regretted trying as soon as we had DTD, and we got preg first try. Then a difficult high risk pregnancy, and the rather overwhelming prospect of 2 to cope with.
You will all be fine and bond with your babies in due course. For me with our first, it was interest and protectiveness first, then love grew afterwards, so don't be alarmed if it isn't instant adoration after they are born either. I couldn't imagine life without my 2 year old girl now, she is just adorable. And I know it will be the same for both my husband and I with these two little rascals. Hang in there.

I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow.
I feel a lot better actually, but I still want to talk to the DR.
Can anyone help me with what I want to say? I sort of feel like printing out my post and handing it to the Dr because I get so tongue tied when talking.
I have started enjoying the baby kicking and separating the negative feelings re: pregnancy from the feelings about the baby.
I think these feelings are self preservation in a way, because I don't fully believe there will be a baby, so am not letting myself bond. That coupled with a fecking hideously draining pregnancy...

Hi Ilikebaking,
I'm just wondering if u are feeling this way as u had a bad time during early pregnancy with the threat of ectopic and in turn that meaning that u would have lost the baby?
I currently 29 weeks pregnant after losing my last baby in a missed miscarriage and I wouldn't let myself acknowledge this baby was there until I knew it was healthy. Even after seeing a heartbeat at the 12 week scan, I still wasn't satisfied I wouldn't lose this one too. I just didn't want to get attached just to go through the heartache of a loss all over again. I was still so anxious and amazed they were still alive at the 20 week scan as that was only 6 weeks further on than when I lost my last one. I finally let myself start to feel like I was 'getting to keep' this baby at about 24 weeks and am getting excited as I get bigger and can now monitor them by their movements.

I feel like its a bit of a defence for me, I didn't find out the sex coz I don't want to picture this amazing little person to then just lose them.
I have never not wanted this baby, I'm just terrified of something going wrong again!
So maybe deep down could this be partly your reason as u say ur baby was very much planned and wanted, don't know if I've explained what I mean very well but defo talk to ur doc as it is hard to go through these things without help. All the best

Print out your OP and hand it to the doctor by all means if that's how you feel most comfortable explaining things! They won't mind at all.

Yes, print it out. You can go in and possibly say that you feel as though you are being a bit negative about things, and would they mind reading it as you will find that easier. I'm sure you won't be the first person they've had a note from. Well done for making the appointment and good luck.

Well done ilikebaking

I agree with others, print your post out. Loads if people write down how they feel for medical professionals, they'll appreciate the clarity instead of having to pull the information out of you if you find it hard or get upset talking.

You should be very proud of yourself for taking back control of the situation. Onwards and upwards from here.