Advice about putting my baby up for adoption....

[jdm2608]

So here goes...... I am currently 14 weeks pregnant. I know I WANT to have this baby adopted. I know some may think I'm being a coward and no facing up to my responsibilities. But this is the best thing for this baby.

I am 24, I have hardly any savings.... I can just about look after myself. I live in a flat share and have been with my on off boyfriend for a year. I always imagined at least being in my own place with a proper boyfriend before this happened. I am in no position to card for a baby right now!!! This has been the hardest decision of my life. But this baby deserves parents that will give it the best life possible. No matter how much it hurts me.
An abortion was never an option (I'm 100% pro choice) I found out 3 weeks ago after fall which resulted in me being taken to hospital. I have had an ultrasound and seen the sproglet floating about.

I am going to contact social services on Thursday. But I wanted some advice from people that may have already been through this. I love this baby, I won't change my mind because I know this best. So please don't tell me how great motherhood is.

These are main questions have....
What did you say to people at work, that stop and talk to you in the street etc??
How do I explain to my young nephews that there's a baby in my tummy, so whilst he has to be carefull when we play he won't ever meet this baby??
Do I buy baby clothes etc for after the birth??
Should I find out the sex??
Can I buy it a gift a teddy or something for him to take??
Will the baby realise that he has been taken away from me?? They say babies know who there mothers are?? Will he miss me for the first few days?? Would he be unsettled?? That would kill me to know!
What happens in the hospital after birth??
How can I go through the birth knowing the baby will be going?? Even if that's what I chose
How do I say goodbye??

Any advice or personal stories will be so much help right now.
Thank you

Can I just say that what you're doing is a courageous thing. I wish you all the best.

Thank you selks :) i don't feel it lol.x

Hi, I can't offer you any advice I'm afraid, but want to give you a hug! I've turned to mumsnet recently for advice on something and the support has been overwhelming.

You sound like an amazing woman, your love for the child you are carrying shines through in your post and I admire you for making the decision you have made.

Stay strong xxx

There are very few people who'll be able to tell you how this works these days as its very unusual to have relinquished babies these days. Maybe try getting this moved to adoption and have a look for specialist sites.

I have no personal experience, but these people do. Wishing you all the best.

I haven't any advice but wanted to wish you the very best. I hope you get lots of support. I think I would do the same in your situation even though I know it would be very hard.

I don't know what you should tell people. Perhaps you just have to be totally honest about it but tell everyone that you do not want to discuss it or for it to be discussed. I would also be very clear that you do not want people's opinions.

Good luck

I can't answer all of your questions and things will have changed in the 20 years since I did this!

The people who will offer the best advice will be social services, they can talk you through the whole process and explain what you can/can't do. You can absolutely buy little one a present, and write them letters, give them photographs. This is all actively encouraged so that they have as much information about their birth family as they might want. I continued to write to & receive a letter and photograph from my daughters family until she was 18.

The hospital in my experience were wonderfully supportive and non judgemental. Baby stayed with me for about 36 hours before someone came and took her to her new home. I was put in a private room, not on the ward, to avoid unnecessary complications and staff did everything for her. If I wanted to help I could but no-one forced me to 'bond' if I didn't feel comfortable with it.

As far as what to say to people, I can't help as I was young & it was kept a secret.

Whatever you decide to do get counselling. It's a very brave but very tough thing to do and you will need support. Good luck with everything.

Hugs xx

I just wanted to echo everyone else's comments that this is a courageous thing to do. Please ask to get this moved to "adoptions", as although there aren't many people with direct experience of being in your position there are lots of adoptive parents (myself included) who can give you some info on what happens from the "other side".

Sorry Hun I can't advise you. But your a very brave lady. I wish you all the luck in the world xxx

Hi jdm. I have direct experience of this (from about 13 years ago so possibly some of my experiences will be out of date).

In answer to some of your questions -
Being on the curvy side anyway, and wearing baggy clothes, a first-baby bump is often pretty compact anyway. A lot of maternity-wear these days is designed to show off the bump but you can conceal it if you are lucky (some bumps are less easy than others). Then generally people don't need to know. A very few people at work will need to know, but with any luck they will be professional enough to keep it confidential.
I wouldn't mention a baby to your nephews if they are too young to understand the whole decision you are making. Just say that you have a hurty tummy and need them not to be bouncy, and that you'll be better soon.
You don't need to buy clothes etc - so long as you let them know you won't be so that someone else does.
You don't need to find out the sex unless you want to.

Something I didn't investigate as I didn't realise was an option - but social services aren't the only option for an organisation to help you. There are lots of adoption agencies and you may find that one of them is more supportive than SS.

I'm not going to answer the rest on a public forum, and I have to go to work now, but I will PM you soon with my answers to the rest of your questions.

This is an immensely tough path to tread - but there is no path available to you that is not equally tough and heartbreaking in different ways. I wish you all the courage and strength you will need.

Hi there, my mum adopted me and I think she was an amazing brave woman. I did have contact with her.

Please look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Have you thought about talking it through with someone?

Not to change your mind but just to help you process it all.

Thanks everyone for your replies..... I'm discovering that this isn't a topic that many people have much experience with. But your supportive comments have helped a lot. :) as for talking things through with someone the people I would normally talk to with have children or are pregnant, so they can't understand my decision at all. They dont really want to adknowledge the fact im pregnant at all if this the route i wish to take. This going to be a long few months lol. Xxx

Unbearableruth thank you for your post!!!! it was very informative!!! thankfully i am quite curvy and as of uet havent noticed much change on the bump front!! thank god!!! As for my nephew my sister stupidly told him about the baby...... In a pathetic attempt to make me reconsider. I know this is completely disgusting, but I'm not in any position to comment on anyone's parenting! I'm hoping if its not mentioned he will forget but his a clever kid. I just pray it won't affect him! I have phoned a few adoption agencies (which I hadn't really considered) they do seem to be the better choice! Thanks again!!!! Xxxxx

I'd be honest with your nephew and tell him you can't care for your baby and that the baby with be with a family who can.

Wow what a selfless thing to do! You're so brave! I don't know much about it but have you considered semi open adoption? This means you can have some contact with the adoptive parents and receive photo's and letters etc and you can send letters and birthday presents etc so your child knows it was very much loved. I'd tell the truth to people you know as it's an admirable thing you're doing but obviously some people won't agree! As far as strangers are concerned don't bother just smile and nod. Good luck with everything, you'll be a great mum when you're ready! x

I haven't been through this but struggled to get pregnant (now am after IVF). You will be giving someone a wonderful gift.

i guess you will need to find out if both parents consent is needed for adoption too

To start with I wish you and your baby all the best.
But I see that the reasons that you gave for not keeping your child is:

• finances
• where you live
• the unstable relationship

You aren't that far at the moment and you've got many more weeks/months to go.

Finances:
You'll get more benefits when the baby is born. Before that you can get a one time 500,- pound for to buy things you need for the baby.

House:
A baby doesn't need that much room. Home share might not be ideal. You can have a look for a room or a small flat.
You might get help in finding a new place to live. Because you're pregnant and need something quickly you might get help in finding a suitable council house.
Don't worry about the rent as you'll also get help with paying the rent, council tax and some other bills if you don't earn enough for that.

Partner:
Anything can happen and that goes for everyone. There're people who have been together for many years. They become parents and gone is there relationship.
There're couples like you. On/off on/off and then this happen and they stayed together for the rest of their lives.

You can't look into the future. If it doesn't work out for some reason then you can be a single mother. There're lot's of single mothers. There's nothing wrong with that.

Citizens advice office:
They're very good and they can tell you all about the help that's out there for mums to be in your position.

It's not that I think that you should keep the baby. I did write this, because you sound like a loving and very caring mother. You also mention that this was a very difficult and painful decision for you to make.

If you love this child then why not keep it?
You're in England, not in some 3rd world country.

Most important thing for a child is love and your message was full of love for your baby.
A child is expensive, but there is so much help out there. You also don't need to buy everything new. Baby's grow so quickly out of their clothes, cots etc. Second hand are also good to use and they're cheap.

Maybe you can give have a baby shower. Make a list with things like:

• diapers/wipes
• bottles/baby food
• clothes
• toys

etc Maybe there's someone around you who has or knows someone who has a child that has grown out of his baby bad, bath and other things.

Go to charity shops and tell them about your situation and if they get any baby or maternity clothes to give you a call. They are happy to help if they can.

When he/she grows older your situation might be completely different. You might still struggle with things, but you might also win the lottery.
Or find a rich partner, buy a villa and have everything your hart desires. Or find a good job and have a good income.

No one can look into the future. The only thing you can do is thinking about the future and try to organize things the best as you can at this moment.

I really hope that I didn't came across like I want to force you to keep the baby. Not at all. But just to give you the information.

It's possible to have a child here in England. Even when you barely have any money or no income at all.
It's not easy, but possible.

Do the thing that you feel best with.

Best wishes,
Take care,

Sylvia

Completely validating your decision - you are the only person who knows whether you feel you can do this, or how you feel.

In the meantime, would you consider finding a therapist/counsellor/psychologist with whom you can make some space to discuss this? In no way trying to make your mind up in any direction, but I know how beneficial later down the line it might be to have spent some time with someone who can help you untangle some of the feelings and thoughts that you might be having right now (you may feel very sure, and that's great too). It might mean that, whatever you end up doing, you are able to feel peace and reassurance in the future that you had the right support to make this decision, and support for you afterwards whatever happens.

Wishing you all the love in the world x x x x