21weeks pregnant and arguing with partner is making me so depressed...

[Lollylau]

I want to know if im not the only one out there whos relationship is potentially on the brink of ending, i will try and keep this short, i have been so happy with finding out i am having a baby boy recently and feel so lucky my pregnancy is going well after having 2 MC :( i feel blessed that my little boy is happy and growing perfectly, but my partner and i have had many rows the last 3 months and getting much worse, i am so scared i will lose my baby boy. My partner is so demoralizing and has now developed a serious binge drink problem on weekends i have given ultimatums and said how much damage he is doing to me and the baby by shouting and making me so upset. Things have consequently come to a head now and i am at a crossroads, this is my first baby and do not want to do it alone. Do i take a risk and hope my partner will better himself like he says he will or... do i cut my losses and do it alone without anymore stress... i am hugely sad and do not want to upset my little baby growing inside me... please help anybody. xx

Well, i am still ttc so not been pregnant so not really speaking from experience...but. It sounds very very much like you need to have a proper talk. Not an arguement, but a talk. Easier said than done i know. Its a time of immense change for you both and seems like you are struggling with how to deal with it. Maybe try to write it all down and ask him to listen to you before he replies. Or give to him to read. I hope you find a way to work it out. :-)

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I have not been in your situation so not best placed to offer advice but I didn't want to read and run.

I would personally do whatever was necessary to make him understand that your threats are not empty and that you absolutely have to put yourself and your baby first. Could you ask him to stay elsewhere for a while to give you the head space you need to make these big decisions about your future with him?

thank you nottalotta, i have tried many solutions and now am at the end, what makes me so sad is im actually just giving up hope and starting not to care anymore about him, he has never seen this side to me before and has actually noticed how sad i am now. Im going to try and write down how i feel and how serious his actions may be having an affect on the bubba. its so difficult when you love somebody and we have created a beautiful thing together i never give up usually but this is truly the last thing i try i do have great support from my family but do not want to stress them out.

Jessthefletch - i have asked him if he would stay at his parents but his answer was just so cruel he said if he goes, he goes for good, im so sick of his threats and him getting blind drunk on weekends and then saying sorry, i wish he wouldnt have to say sorry at all and he would be more understanding and loving again like he use to be, this baby was planned and we both so desperately wanted it but now he is like another person.

Oh ladies what a predicament i am in, i just needed some female support this evening and appreciate your lovely replies :)

I agree that writing down how you feel would be helpful. Even if you don't end up sharing it with him you will have give yourself the chance to carefully organise your thoughts.

Glad to hear that you have supportive family nearby.
Would he respond in a similar way if you went to stay with them for a few days?

It does sound as though you have resigned yourself to the relationship ending, and if it does turn out that way, you must try not to blame yourself for 'giving up' (as difficult as that might be). I'm sorry to ask this but how did he deal with both mcs? Was he supportive of you or did he drink heavily then too? If he is anxious about your safety, perhaps he is drinking too much as a way of avoiding feeling that way (not that it's an excuse, especially as you have made it clear that it is contributing to your unhappiness).

Hi OP,

I can sort of relate to your post, DP and I have had our worst ups and downs to date since finding out we are pregnant, I'm now 28weeks and just think the added stress or pregnancy plus hormones, lack of money and sex is all playing a part in it, we love each other very much and I reckon (although I know babies are hard work as this is not our first child) once the stress of pregnancy has gone we can start becoming ourselves again.

Some days I just want to give up and reckon we would be better off apart, this is mostly when I'm upset or angry, I have acquired a temper due to hormones being up in the air, but once smoothed over I think rationally and sort myself out.

Do what you think is best, and if your happy stay, if not then don't. Don't stay with your partner for the baby stay with him if its the right thing to do and you know, deep down your truly happy with this man...

Hope your ok and good luck xxx

jessthefletch - He was supportive with the first mc but a week after told me i was not to mention it again, i was 11weeks pregnant when i mc with the first and it tore me up inside ive never felt so empty and wished he would of comforted me more. regards to the 2nd mc i was only 2-3weeks gone so i tried not to let it get me down as it was so early. He sees his drinking as not a problem, but my mother works within the drug and alcohol abuse department where i am from and has assured me that his drinking has become a large problem, my family and i have tried to help him but to him he cannot see anything wrong and that i am over reacting. He continuously blames others and myself. Today He has packed his stuff and gone to his parents for a few days he has done this on his own accord which i am pleased about as it will do us good, but already the texts are coming through asking to come home to get stuff for work, he is playing games and what he seems to forget is im not stupid and am not giving in easily this time. I am no saint when it comes to arguing but this time i have kept my mouth shut and said nothing, its asthough he enjoys the drama but i really do not no how to make him understand how important this baby is and that he needs to step up to the mark and show me he can be a great dad which i no under his exterior he would be a wonderful father and i have no doubt in it at all. i just want my partner back who i fell in love with, not this monster that has orison in the past few months.

Hi Feelingworried67 it comforts me to know that i am not alone in this, and your words are so true, i just need to take some time and have a good think about what i think is going to be best for myself and my baby, we have always been a great team and he is my best friend aswell as my partner which im sure we can all relate to. Im going to take my time and not be pushed into a corner or made to feel guilty by his family because he is sleeping down there. Hes got 19weeks to get his shit together very simple really pardon my french but in this time he must prove he can be responsbale and knock the binge drinking on the head. Above all else be happy again. not much to ask is it girls?? I am ok, im a very strong woman and have to be for my baby boy so this mum isnt going to be messed about ;) big hugs to you all i feel better already xxx

Lolly I honestly wish you all the best. My DP can also be irresponsible when it comes to weekends and alcohol/friends but don't let it stress you too much, if he loves you and your son and wants the family life he will buck up his ideas. I find it difficult to give my DP ultimatums as I would be too coward to follow them through (throw him out) I guess thats sometimes why I feel so helpless, because he knows this... But as you know yourself there's only so much you can take before you give up! I hope your partner as I hope mines does indeed buck up and pull it together!!

Mumsnet is always good at hand holding- I hope everything works out for you!

Congratulations anyway!! I'm due a boy too, just over 11 weeks to go and I cannot wait x

Hi Lolly, just wanted to give you some encouragement and say that I think you're doing the right thing in confronting this problem and not hoping it will just go away. I grew up with a binge drinking Dad and although my parents stayed together, it impacted on me and my siblings in so many ways. The problem with binge drinking is that the drinker convinces themselves it's not a problem as they can 'go without' drink for periods. My Dad gave up drink completely once we became adults and although we lost so much time with him, not a day goes past when I'm not grateful that he found the strength to do it. My Dad is a lovely man but drinking did nothing but rob him of that. After over a decade of binge drinking my Dad became violent too, which can happen to any binge drinker as they are not fully in control. Eventually we dropped the term binge drinker and called it what it was and always had been-alcoholism.

Anyhow, if he has any chance at all, your refusal to pretend it's not a problem is probably his best chance. I so hope he gets help and you can both discover the lovely man again who's struggling to get out from under the alcohol. I wish you happiness and space to enjoy your lovely baby. Xx

hello Andanotherthing123 - your short story has moved me in so many ways i had tears rolling down my face reading this, i was truly touched that you would share your story. In previous comments i have put i am yet fearful his drinking may take its toll and make him violent, he has never raised his hand at me but it still troubles me thinking what if??

But im not going to allow what if's anymore as when i came home after staying with my grandmother for the weekend just gone, i wasn't greeted with the greeting i would of liked on Sunday afternoon, i was greeted with a hungover partner throwing up everywhere with so much anger, who had friends over untill 4.30am drinking heavily and even invited strangers into my home, the fool thought i wouldn't know, but i have lovely neighbors who are very supportive and kept an eye on the house for me as i asked them to and to my surprise the one weekend i went away and thought just maybe i could trust him, and as he promised he would not drink heavily and it would only be our close friend over to watch the football with him i went away thinking it would be fine (and its been over a year since i have gone anywhere without him)

He completely broke my trust and threw it in my face. Now consequently i have asked him to stay at his mothers for a few days and i am now back at my grandmothers getting the break i need away from his selfish attitude, i have big decisions to make this week and i really need to think long and hard about what im going to do, because its not about me anymore its about my son and he comes first! and like you said Andanotherthing123 my refusal to pretend its not a problem will stand until he can see there is one. I love him deeply and will support him through this but he has 19weeks to sort it or me and my son are out for good.

Myself and my son are relaxing now and being very spoilt and looked after also have started feeling stronger kicks from him so he is happy his mum is chilling out :) thank you again for sharing your story it means a lot xx

feelingworried67 - I wish you all the best to, don't ever be afraid to tell your partner how you truly feel, you are a super strong woman with a lovely baby boy on the way who will love you more than anything in the world! i hate to hear that you feel helpless sometimes but you remember your son and you come first now and your partner should respect you for that, i am coming to terms with this myself! big holding hands for you to :) just remember you will never be alone! im not going to cross my fingers and hope it will be ok, im going to MAKE it be ok and you can to hun!

Big congrats to you also, i wish you all the luck in the world and hope you have peace and happiness for yourself and your baby boy xx