how long have you waited before the second child?

[wokeupwithasmile]

I am in my late 30s and had a baby a few months ago. I am on maternity leave until summer next year, and although I have NEVER EVER thought of having a second child, I am now finding myself daydreaming about it a lot.
If I do have another child, I will have to quit my job, as I just cannot ask for a second maternity leave this close to the first one. I like my job, it is a career, and I struggle to think of myself as someone who does not do that (I also have NEVER EVER thought I would be a sahm). However, to go to my workplace I have to travel 2 hours one way. So even with one child it will be a difficult one. Plus I find myself thinking that no one will ever raise my child better than I can, and so I am toying with the idea of quitting my job anyway, even for 'only' one child.
I had fibroids in my pregnancy, and I am not that young anymore, so I think the sooner the better really if we want to do this. If I/we do decide to try again, it would make more sense to do so before I have to go back to work next year, so that I do not go back for three months and then say 'sorry, I made a mistake' wasting everyone's time. However, I also wonder whether I am completely crazy. Still bfing, have no idea how I will raise one child (no family to count on, only sporadically), let alone another one.
What is your experience? How long have you waited to have a second child and why? Do you think it was the right choice?

Sorry for the messy post and thank you!

You need to think about what will work best for your family, and also consider things like any maternity pay claw back policies your employer may have before you resign.

Would it be worth you going part time, so you 'keep your foot in the door' so to speak, in your career? So many women I know have quit work, planning to go back when children are school aged, and then found it a huge struggle to find decent paying working after being so long out of the job market.

Personally, I have waited almost 5 years for DC2, because we just could not have afforded another sooner, DD will be 5 and a half when this baby is born, and in scholl so childcare costs will reduce a bit, even then I am going to have to work one day a week from home with a baby in tow (I did the same with DD) as this will cut y childcare and commuting costs.

Everyone is different though and have a variety of things to consider, I'd advise weighing up the pros and cons of having another close to your first and see what really works best financially and emotionally for you all.

I will have a 23 months age gap between DC1 and DC2. I was back at work for 3 months before I feel pregnant again. The 2 year gap is what most people from toddler group are doing and it's not generally a problem with work. In fact, some were aiming for back to back maternity leaves to makes things easier. An employer might also prefer this option as it causes less disruption and the maternity cover is just being kept on.

As far as your commuting problem goes, I have no advice. Just wanted to say that it's perfectly ok to have 2 children close together. At your age, they probably expect it anyway as you don't really have the time to space out children super far.

I think the real problem you have is a 4 hour commute each day. You won't have time or energy to spend with your child before/after work. Unless you go part time ofc. You'll need to weigh in your options, eg part time, move closer to work, find another job, etc.

Agree that a 2 year gap is very common and wouldn't be a problem with your employers.

Bear in mind that whatever you decide, you get the gap you're given. I wanted under 2 years, due to m/c and complications when dd is born I will have nearly 3 years. Good luck with deciding!

I will have a 6 year gap between my DS and the baby that is due this November. Partly to do with affordability - although we had planned a 4 year age gap, it didn't work out like that!!!
As for work, people have babies and go on ML, and employers deal with it. I wouldn't give up my job, it gives you independence, and although it's heartbreaking leaving your baby, on the days when they are 3 and full of tantrums, you are glad to be able to escape and be more than someone's mummy for a few hours. It also makes the evenings, weekends and holidays more precious as you really cherish the time you have.

Only you know what is best for you, but I would think very carefully indeed about leaving a career that you may not be able to get back in to after a long break.

God, I totally blanked the 4 hour commute. Thought it was 2 hours and was already a bit sceptical about that.

You then have to ask yourself, what are your working hours and your DHs, because if you work even only 9-5 (and quite franly who does in a career job?), that would mean a nursery day for your DC of 7-7 at least. I think you'd need a nanny if you go back full-time. What arrangements have you made so far?

Pseudo speaks the truth too. I have been trying since last September, with 2 MCs. (First one we only tried for 3 months and no problem. Didn't expect this at all). So I'm also looking at a bigger gap then I would have liked anyway.

My view is that you only have a relatively defined period of time to have a family(If you start in your mid/late 30s) , whereas you have the next few decades of your life to have a career. I am mid 30s and had a child 2 and a half years ago - I wanted another from about a year later - but due to health problems was unable to get the go ahead to conceive for a while. I've now got another on the way. It possibly will impact my career but my view is that I can rebuild this again in my 40s when the children are both in school.
You have to decide what is more important to you - for me a family is more important than career as that is the most important thing in life imho. Also does your family feel incomplete with only one? Many people are happy with just one child but I wasn't, I definitely wanted two and for my LO not to be an only child.
Personally I'd say go for it but only you can decide.

MN always has people willing to donate their time and experience, thank you.
1- The job I'm in is rather stressful, everyone is overworked and underpaid,and they need all the hands on the payroll in order to breathe a bit. Even getting a sub for my maternity leave was a struggle, so I'm concerned about giving them another headache. DH works long hours 7-7, weekends off, and I was working 9-7, on call all the time basically, but I could do so from home some days and we were happy with our lives. DH earns more and likes his job too, so I am not going to ask him to move where I work so that I can work there, as much as he is telling me that he is happy with one child if that means work-family balance is easier for me. So either I take another maternity leave or I stay or I quit really, I'm not sure that I can go back part time but I will check that out.
2- one child sounded good to me. I am an only child, I have plenty of friends in my situation who also have one child, I do not see the thing about having siblings as much as others do, and I do not like or enjoy pregnancies really. I wanted a child also because I did not want my life to be all about work. But now that I have ds and love him so much I am thinking another such beautiful life would be a great thing. We can afford a nanny etc if I want to go back to work, but I just can't see myself giving him up for long hours and miss out on so many things. Plus I wonder whether it is time to slow down and enjoy life with my family for a while, rather than always run around trying to keep my head above water. I guess I will have to understand whether I can give myself to both work and child or whether I need to focus on the child as much as I did in my career so far.

3- whether I will get pregnant or not is obviously an issue, but before that the question is whether I try for it or not! I can ask family to come and baby sit from next summer for a few months while we find a nanny if I decide to try and am not successful before the maternity leave ends. But I'm wondering what to do in case I actually do get pregnant.

At the end of the day this is something - I - need to decide, but your experience is much appreciated!

With these hours I'd say you do need an experienced nanny for the sake of your child. You need to consider whether you will be happy knowing that the nanny will become your child's primary care giver because it looks like a lot of the time, you'd have to leave home before DS is awake and return when he is asleep, depending on how much you can do from home.

It's different for everyone. We just knew that we didn't want an only child but you don't seem sure yet.

If I was in your situation, I'd quit and find a part-time job closer to home. But that is just me. Only you can decide that.

On the nanny thing - I think nannies can be great but when I was a baby, my mum struggled to cope (had older siblings too) and got a nanny who ended up looking after me most of the time, in the end the nanny got 'too close' to me and my mum got jealous and sacked her, and it gave me psychological issues that only recently with a lot of professional therapy have I managed to overcome.
Not saying this will always happen, of course it won't, but I think anyone employing a nanny whilst they work full time needs to consider how they will feel if the child develops a deeper bond with the nanny than with them, and be prepared for this.

But surely that is the price you pay for working those hours? Because really a nursery for that amount of time and a child that young is not the best option. I think it would be quite selfish to go for less good childcare if you can afford it just because you're worried your child will become too attached to the nanny. It should be seen as a good thing. Mum is not available but at least someone else can give the baby/toddler love and stability.

I personally believe that if you are going to have a child then you need to take responsibility for that child and look after them. Otherwise what is the point?! Missing out on so much. I am going to quit my job and go back to work school hours after I have had two children and they are both at school. I want to be a mum to my children and actually be a mum. My mum did this and we are such a close family. But it's up to you as I am not a career person and always wanted to get married and start a family which is what I a doing. Good luck!!! Hope that whatever decision you make you are happy with

charlotte I'd be rather careful about implying those of us who are going back to work that we won't be mum to our children.

OP I would find a commute like that and even one small child very very hard. I've accepted that by having a baby I've geographically tied myself to an area I can work in and not have a huge commute, which as an academic (in training) on short term contracts this is far from ideal.
But after this baby arrives, if all is well I'd like to have another (although I was also a very happy sociable only child) and it is my career which is going to take the hit even though I will be working.

Once I accepted the position of not being able to have it all, financially, personally or professionally I found it much easier to relax. I'm ok with baby being in nursery 3 or 4 days a week, I don't think I could cope with the kind of hours you describe every day and having a nanny, I think I would be wondering what I was working for IYSWIM? But this is only my view and it may not be possible for you to be out of your field or reduce your hours.

I'm a career oriented person and I went back to work full time. My mum also worked full time but did take a career break for our preschool years. (She was a teacher and it was easy to get back on the track back then). I found charlottes opinion a bit offensive. I would stay in pay work, even if it's part time/lesser role so you can get back into full time later.

I think most of us recognise you can't have everything. For example, I wouldn't consider any job in London because of the commute, ven though it would be a great move for my career. However, the OP should have a good chat with her DH. Sometimes it's not just about one person giving their career up. A lot of dads want to me more invovled too. My DH stressed that he didn't want to be an absent father.

DD is in nursery 5 days a week. She's very happy there. Nursery only opens 8-6 usually, so with your hours, you'd struggle with pick up/drop off btw.

Hum, you all have good points. Before this child I was passing half of my week in my work town and half working from home where my husband lives. I am thinking this is feasible with one child. I can have him in my work nursery for the days I'm there, can stay with him during meals (mine probably), finish my days earlier to stay with him in the evenings and work after he falls asleep. And do more or less the same when I'm working from home. Obviously not an easy deal but I can try to work that out. My family life would not be idillic, but I do think that having a working mum can be as rewarding in the long run for a child as having a sahm, it depends on the situations. My husband might also be able to work 4 instead of 5 days a week and help that way. On the other hand, with 2 dcs that would be too complicated, expensive, and 'time consuming' to organise, hence my wondering whether I'm at a point in my life where I want to choose between a career and my family. Please do share your experiences if you want to.

I have a 20 month gap and ds2 must have been conceived almost on the day I went back to work.

Work were actually pretty ok about it. Congratulations through gritted teeth but fairly supportive. I went back 3 days a week after ds1 on the basis that I'm pretty sure that I won't progress in the next few years but happy to keep at the level I am career wise. I certainly care less about work than before.

I have to say that I have two more months of mat leave left. Ds1 is 28 months and ds2 nearly 8. It is hard work and I feel very differently about going back this time. Last time I was heartbroken, this time I'm quite looking forward to something for me.

Your commute does make things more complicated, could you ask to wok from home more?

I also have friends that fab up their senior jobs that are struggling to find anything part time that would cover childcare costs of more than one child.

You need to ask people who use a work nursery whether commuting 4 hrs a day with a small child is possible and fair on the child. I still think leaving DS at home with a nanny will be the better option as it's less disruptive.

Only you can answer the SAHM mum question. I'm probably not going back after DC2 for quite a few years. We never had DD1 in childcare either. I only worked part-time after ML and DH works from home so he does the days I'm at work at the moment. However, I'm not a career person. My mum always worked full-time and it was horrible for me so I wouldn't want that, I'm still angry with my mum. But then I have a friend who did have a SAHM and she wants to work full-time even with young children (disclaimer: she doesn't have any yet). So this is really all about how you feel and what sort of mum you want to be. Also about how important your career is to you.

I have a commute of 1h15 each way, which is less than yours but still fairly substantial.
We will have a 2.6 year gap, partly because I'm old and we thought it would take longer (it didn't, by chance, though first time round took 2 years).
My DH does nursery run most days (his commute is 25 mins) and I work 0.8fte and from home one day a week (0.8fte is a bit like full time on less pay, but I get a protected day). We couldn't afford a nanny and anyway, I prefer nursery as it's a social, bigger environment and the problems of attachment don't present themselves in the same way (DC v attached to her friends instead).

I love my job (most days) and it is a one-off that I can't get elsewhere. But I am also aware the business doesn't love me and will forget about me soon enough if I leave - I don't need to do them any more favours than they do me. So I make the most of maternity/flexible benefits. I suggest you do the same, don't sacrifice yourself for a company that won't be grateful/won't notice. I try to keep in mind other things I could do closer to home should it become more important to me, as we couldn't afford for me not to work. This helps me through difficult patches and also in times when I wonder if my job will last - no one is indispensable after all.

You might want to repost on the going back to work board as will get other contributions there. If I were you I'd explore all possible options and get them clear in my mind, and then sit on them for a bit and see. Consider trying out the least disruptive one and opting for more dramatic action (like resigning) if that doesn't work...it's practically easier to go that way than to resign and regret...

Charlotte your post is extremely offensive, does your partner work? Has anyone implied he is less of a father for working? I doubt it. I am not less of a mother or 'not a proper' mother because I work. What a load of horse shit.

Hi OP,
In some people's opinions (family) I have waited quite a while for another baby but we had such bad labour complications with our son that I wanted to make sure my body was 100% recovered before I put it through another pregnancy, its wouldn't have been safe for me to do any other. My son is 3 and 5 months now and current bump is due November so I'll have a 3yr 8month gap.

Our son was about 2 and a half-ish when we started trying for number 2 and we caught on quickly but unfortunately lost that baby in a MMC. Therefore pushing us to an even bigger gap.

I have had such a fab time with my son and really got to give him 100% with him being our only one for a number of years and with him starting pre-school in Sep I will have nice amount of one-to-one with our new baby too.

I did return to work after 12months maternity leave for about a year but only did a few days a week, short shifts so was really lucky. After doing that for a year, me and hubby looked at things and decided I just wanted to be a SAHM for now which I understand not everyone can do but if u can from my experience I would recommend it but I wasn't really in a high-flying career job so I understand the difficulty for those of u that are to make that decision.

Also I'm in my mid twenties so I have plenty of time to sort myself a career once children are in school although we know we want more than the 2 (well almost 2 lol) that we have, not sure how big of a gap we have with another after this one as we've found out with our previous loss it isn't always in your hands.

Wish u the best of luck with your decisions, only u and your hubby can really decide what is best in your circumstances x

Just wanted to say that if you get a nanny then 2 kids can be as cheap as 1 in terms of childcare costs. In my experience, 1 child was the massive cause of organisational upheaval when I went back to work, so by the time number 2 arrived, we knew which nursery he would go to and how my hours at work would go as that was all sorted for DC1.

Good luck, just choose what would make you happiest!

you dont ask for another Maternity Leave! You get pregnant and qualify for it.

Lots of very interesting thoughts here... it's an issue that will always divide and is never simple.
I'm currently pregnant with my first child, planned (though it happened much sooner than expected), and have recently qualified in a career I've chosen as it is specifically child-friendly. After my mat leave of 9ish months I plan to go back part time, so that my DH and I can share childcare between us.
My own experience;
My mother wanted to have it all, and she worked full time in a busy and stressful career, brought up 3 children born within 5 years of each other. She went back to work 3 weeks after the youngest was born! Our father helped with some of the childcare but mostly we were with a nanny. I don't resent them for it, but I don't want the same for my children (and myself). As I was the oldest I ended up having to grow up very fast and take care of the others, cooking dinner etc when they were both late from work. She died when we were in our late teens/early twenties and i can't help but think of the time we lost to her career. Of course in her workplace she was replaced almost straight away after her death. Can't replace the time we lost with her.
Maybe I will decide to go back FT but I can't see myself wanting to miss that precious time - yes we'll be stretched financially but we will manage.