Maternity Leave Blues

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I started maternity leave last week and am absolutely fed up and low. I am at home worrying about money and looking at all the really badly done DIY jobs DH has done in the house.

I feel really powerless and vulnerable and shit. I am used to being able to earn my own money, run my own life and manage.

I am going to start swimming next week and a club.

I hate feeling like this. I think i'm taking it out on DH too. He is really pissing me off. tens of thousands of pounds have been spent over the last few years on deposits, weddings vehicles and holidays. We've been really comfortable and I am happy to tighten our belts but I want to scream at him and tell him that evdery bit of financial security we have is wrapped up in the house and if he keeps fucking it up it's going to lose value. He might not give a shit that the wall paper job he did looks crap and the broken garden fence has been repaired so badly it now needs replacing but i do.

Usually I would be in a position to either do this stuff myself or earn enough money to get it fixed.

I'm really pissed off and fed up. Sorry.

Will this pass?

Hi, hang in there, I too have an equally hopeless DH when it comes to all things house, DIY etc. Yes it is bloody infuriating, but he has lots of other wonderful aspects, as I'm sure yours does. Also I start ml in 2 weeks and although I moan constantly about my job, I can't help feeling like it's going to have a massive impact on me feeling like ME. Truth be told I'm terrified by the next 12 months, but I am queen of understatement so no one in RL knows.

What we are experiencing is a massive shift change - might sound a bit woo, and I'm really not!- but it's true and unsettling, full of uncertainty too. Try not to focus on things that bother you or that you can easily dwell on. I've done that and it didn't end well for me!

You have grown a little person who is nearly ready to meet you and your DH, you sound like you have a lovely home and are well prepared, in a really strong position. Be kind to yourself, enjoy your ml, try to relax and everything else will fall into place, I'm sure.

Here, have these and a with me!

Will defiantly pass.

I've just started ML too and have some similar issues. I think the DIY ones are partly nesting instincts. I am pretty good at doing things myself but frustrated that I cant get up a ladder or carry heavy thing right now. But my DH works hard and I'm trying to give him a break for not coming home and getting the power tools out as soon as he's in the door.

Money and a lack of financial independence is a stress, but this is hopefully a temporary situation that we just have to adapt to for now. Have a talk with your DH about money and how you're both going to adapt, you need to have clarity so you're not frustrated about this all the time. You've got far more exciting things to be thinking about on the way!

Thanks. You made me cry! (in a good way)

Yes, I think like you say cakebaby it is a massive adjustment and our roles have to change and focus has to change. I am really excited and we have everything ready.

bunnylion yes, my DH works really hard to and i know i should give him a break. I think I will start some little jobs next week. And try and stay positive too. This is an exciting time and lots of happy things to come.

I am actually terrified too. It's all real now! No one knows how scared I feel. At all.

I'm not used to this lifestyle. I have an appointment on Monday to go through some work, this work has to be submitted on Friday, then that's it (i'm finishing it at home) !

I did some ironing and baking yesterday and just can't imagine a year of this.....

aaagggghhh

Thanks having the right now

Ah, but we know how you're feeling, as we probably feel the same! I feel a bit rudderless tbh, no idea where this next year will take us!

When are you due? Come join us on the august ante natal club thread if you wish, sept lot a friendly bunch too!

I feel your pain OP.

I too am a new to Mat leave and cacking myself. DH is unable to DIY due to extreme incompetence in that department. I am trying to make flat baby ready but is hard with heat and achiness and huge stomach.

DH also works from home, so even when i'm on leave I still get up before him... and I can't get over how much work he doesn't do!!! Am panicking and comfort eating crisps.

Still, he does most things I ask... and is patient, and has genuine other life concerns that are nearly on a par with pregnant wife, but still. I feel that my home is a disgusting disaster and i'm not fit to be a mother.

New way of life- I suppose, along with first time mother anxiety. AGH!

I was like this too. I compromised by agreeing to get the lounge sorted. My argument was that it was my new office and so needed certain things - a softy comfy rug for baby and I to play on, for him.not to dump all.his crap.in there after a day at work, and for it to be tidied each evening so I could 'work' in it the next day. Plus a few minor maintenance jobs.

The rest of the flat I could overlook as long as this space was decent.

Tbh I went back to work after eight months as being off just didnt suit me. We have a second baby on the way now and I imagine ML will be much different as the toddler will need to.be out and about / entertained more than the baby, so there is the possibility I.will.enjoy it more, but I am.aprehensive.

I also feel your pain. I went off on ML at 30 weeks due to stressful job and difficulty with the commute. I was so independent before being pregnant. paid my way with the mortgage and had my own savings but now having to survive on a fraction of what I was on even with maternity pay as we are saving for a car. I have actually been so skint a couple of times I have had to ask my DH for a tenner just so I can get a coffee or for travel fare. I know this is no big deal for some women but I am a firm believer in paying my way (my mum was the breadwinner for many years in my family) so feel really vulnerable and sad being like this - its so frustrating not going from a full time fairly decent salary to living off nought. If its any consolation a friend of mine has been doing it for a while and apparently it does get easier. Part of me doesn't want it to get easier though I just want more money - but I made the choice to go off early and did save up to prepare for that so that I could help my DH with the mortgage so know I have to take responsibility. I knew it would be hard but not this hard though! I worked out I am surviving on less money than someone dependent on benefits! Oh well at least I will never not appreciate the money I make at work again!

I started mat leave last week and I would like to say is been bliss but I have been so busy spring cleaning the house! We managed to build the baby changing table and cot last Thursday and still have to wash the baby's clothes and sort out my labour and hospital bags. I have stuff planned to do each day which helps balance the day out as well as meeting up with friends and family. I have lots of books to read and a lovefilm subscription so plan to spend a few hours each day just revelling in the 'me' time as won't have nowhere near that time when baby is here.

glad it's not just me rather I'm sure i'll enjoy the new pace of life soon.
Monka I was expecting to go on bed rest so we literally have everything ready!

I think I'm going to get my diary out and plan my weeks as like cakebaby said it can feel a bit rudderless otherwise.

I am wondering how DH is experiencing this change too? Probably not brilliantly as I have been a bit of a grump.

Period features I cried about this last Thursday!

Like you have worked my adult life, very self sufficient, food job, used to having own money. Get 6 weeks paid maternity. Thought of having to depend on DH for money completely alien. Yes we are a unit we pool money blah blah blah but the fact is if I want to get my hair done, buy something etc, I can do it, no questions asked.

Feels like a huge change and shift is coming. Sigh.

You won't be baking and ironing all year, hehe! When baby comes just make sure you get out and about as much as possible. Have you got s local surestart centre? They run lots of cheap/free classes etc so hopefully you'll meet some other new mums and have company. You might find that you don't spend anywhere near as much when you're not working. Try and enjoy it

I'm with you all on the loss of financial independence. I've always worked full time and had plenty of my own money and I'm dreading losing that. I get the legal minimum pay whilst on ML so I'm saving up too but also got all the baby stuff to buy. We are renovating a house so DP has taken over all costs of that. But what happens when I want to buy him a birthday present next year?? I've already stopped having my hair coloured to save £60 per month and dyed it myself yesterday - it's all gone a bit Mortica Addams. It's deeply depressing.

ML in 8 weeks and I can't wait! Enjoy it OP, I envy you

It's a massive cliche but stop stressing yourself out about all this shit, sit back and relax - this is the last couple of weeks in your life in which you can relax, sleep, lie in, & just be bloody spontaneous.

My DS came before I had chance to finish work and I really rue the fact that I completely missed out on those days of only having Time for myself. So don't you dare bloody waste yours stressing and getting upset - its not worth it.

For those feeling short of cash/loss of independence, it may be worth discussing rearranging finances particularly if you've always had a what you earn is yours approach to money in the relationship - you've given up work and income to have and raise both you and your dp's child, and it seems unfair that their income should be unaffected while yours plummets - your dp is effectively getting free childcare! Your circumstances as a couple are totally different to what they were, and I do think that it warrants a discussion about how that affects your life and the way you manage your affairs as a couple. It's not so much about financial independence as about going forward together as a family.

((hugs)) to all, I start mat leave on Friday and am a bit petrified to be honest...