Back to work after mat leave - already PG again. Help me understand why I feel so guilty and how to handle telling my boss?

[IceNoSlice]

I'm due to start back full time in a few weeks after my year of maternity leave. I will be 10 weeks PG (all being well) and a gap of 18mo between DCs.

I was feeling fine about this, and it has all happened as planned (although I thought it might take longer to conceive the second time and it happened pretty much straight away- I know how lucky we've been on this).

Anyway, I had a back to work meeting and the bosses were so great: telling me I'd really been missed and they were looking forward to having me back, how I'd been operating really well before mat leave and I would be a good contender for promotion this year, etc. I work in a professional corporate environment.

Now I am having mixed feelings about being PG again so soon. Thinking maybe I should have delayed TTC a while longer. I feel I am deceiving them, knowing I am PG whilst being all 'I'm excited to be coming back' but not letting on it will only be for 6 months. Will I be shooting my career down in flames? But then I feel guilty for thinking that too, as I love this little bean already and am very pleased our family will be growing. Argh.

Also, I am now not at all looking forward to telling them I'm PG. I've heard you show earlier with #2 so I will have to come clean quite soon after coming back (but after 12 week scan). Any advice?

TIA and sorry this is so long.

This happened to me as well, back at work two weeks after DS2 and discovered DD was in the way. You just have to be up front, I told my boss straight away as had same worries as you and they were absolutely fine, in fact very happy for us. I know all places aren't the same and we were really lucky, but I would recommend telling them sooner or later before they make plans for the coming year that include yourself.
We have an 18 month age gap between DS2 and DD and it is great, the two wee ones are really close, and all three play really well together, very protective of each other. Enjoy op, lovely lovely time.

I had a very similar situation. I had worked with the company since a teenager. Was mid 30's when I got pregnant with dc1. I took a year out. Was pg on return but didn't feel as welcomed back as you clearly do. I had to tell before my 12 week scan to get time off to go. While my boss was openly supportive I was sidelined fairly quickly. Also due to returning part time I think.

I would be very matter of fact and focus on what can be achieved by you in the next 6 months and your plans to contribute/advance within the company. Try not to talk about your family. I didn't follow my own advice very well at all.

If they are good to you you will give them many years of loyal service. It is a blip in time in the grander scheme.

There are some stats around the number of women who resign or are demoted after mat leave. Something like 7/10 which is scary and shows that businesses are still in the dark ages.
My bosses were not nice to me on return from my second. I was given a new role which I was enjoying but struggling with a lack of support and after a few months I stepped down. I could have probably claimed constructive dismissal.

But there were senior management changes while I was gone. And I admit to not being as committed after no. 2 that I didn't have the energy to fight it. Or the confidence.

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy. Xx

Yes, 19 months between my 2. They are best of friends. I don't regret it though am frustrated every day by having my experience and skills wasted.

I think your career may well stall now, is you take the whole year off each time it is to be expected surely. You are competing with people that have grafted at work all this time. They may think you will do this again and again. They may understand on a personal level absolutely, and be very happy for you but business is business. You will look like a dilettante. Sorry.

Thanks for the good wishes Babs and abracadabra. And some good advice there about being upfront but also being clear about what I plan to contribute in 6 months.

Rosh I take your point, and this is partly why I have such mixed feelings. I am ambitious and have no wish to be sidelined. And I appreciate other people are working hard whilst I am not there. However I do feel your post is rather unhelpful in that you have articulated the

Gah. Post too soon.

Articulated the problem but not offered any solution. This pregnancy is here and will not be stopped, so I need to work out how best to approach work. Both in terms of a strategy for the 6 months and how to tell them I'm PG.

Thanks all, this is helping.

Personally I would have told them straight away at the back to work meeting.

There is nothing wrong with it, and you are not the first and you won't be the last, but I couldn't have sat through a meeting with them talking about returning and not say anything. I think that may be more damaging than actually taking leave again so soon.

But then again I never play games: a friend of mine was interviewed by partners for possible partnership and did not tell them she was pg. the next day she discovered that the other person interviewed and been upfront about her pregnancy and my friend was livid and then rang them the next day to tell them. Both got partnership, but my friend always felt that it made her look bad.

Nishky that's a good point and I'm not a game player either. I just don't want to be open about PG until after 12wk scan. My SIL had an mmc and it has made me cautious. And a friend advised to get back into things before telling them. But I think i agree with you - I think I need to tell them ASAP after 12 wk scan.

I wouldn't worry too much I think when you return from mat leave most people will have considered that you would have another baby soonish anyway they probably won't be too surprised. I would tell them sooner rather than later tho so they have more time to plan for cover when you are off

I was sort of head hunted for a role, and three months after starting I went on adoption leave with only four weeks notice. I felt incredibly guilty, as I knew I was leaving work in a hole, and I also knew it would play havoc with my CV and longer term career. The one thing I had in mitigation, apart from the fact that things moved unusually fast for us, was that I had been upfront with my boss before I started the new role so he did know it was a possibility.

So - I would say that you need to tell your boss as soon as possible. If that is after your 12 week scan, fine, it will only be a week or two after you return?

But I would also say that you reacted quite strongly to Rosh's post upthread - did she hit a raw nerve? Ie you feel guilty in part because you feel what Rosh's said is true?

Families - absolutely Rosh hit a raw nerve. It's a highly competitive environment and I know folks have been grafting whilst I'm away. I expect colleagues who are more junior to be promoted ahead of me. I don't disagree with Rosh, but I just felt her post presented the problem but no suggestion on what to do about it.

One thing hopefully in my favour here is that the firm have recently announced an intention to redress the gender balance in senior roles with positive discrimination. This has had a mixed reception with colleagues, but hopefully it might have a positive impact in future years. If I am sidelined now, hopefully it won't be forever.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

In some ways it depends what your intention is after this baby is born. Are you taking another full year? Will you then want to go p/t? Both if those after the mat leave you've just have will take quite a while to recover from.