Emetophobic morning sickness, short cervix and now gallstone. Feel like I can't go on.

[sw25]

Not sure if I should be posting here or mental health thread, but feeling so desperate. 30 weeks pregnant and for the first 23 weeks had severe 24 hour nausea. I am crippled by emetophobia (fear of vomiting) so it was by far the hardest thing I've ever been through. I considered abortion 3 times in the first trimester as I was so terrified. Put on anti sickness meds and valium, which I am still on now, despite it being category 4.

JUst as sickness subsided, found out I had a very short cervix. Cue weeks of anxiety and scans, endless worry about preterm labour etc. Thankfully cervix seems to be holding at 25mm as I entered 3Rd tri.

Last few weeks nausea returned and then sharp pain in right rib that radiates to back. Had usound at OB appointment two days ago and discovered I have a 10mm gallstone. Feel like it's a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and anticipating massive pain and protracted vomiting that a GB attack brings on. I am so anxious, I can't sleep, eat or get out of bed. If I'm honest, I want to die. Can't cope with the uncertainty and terror of vomiting. Wish they could do a c section now so that the baby was out and I could have op to remove gallbladder. I know I sound incredibly selfish, but I feel my mind and body can't take anymore. Consultant wants to admit me to mat ward but I'm terrified in case I'm sick or have panic attack in front ofstrangers. I know I need help, as I'm having true suicidal thoughts. They're also trying to get me on antidepressants, but again, terrified of the nausea. Keep trying to focus on my baby, but that just makes me cry even more. I haven't stopped crying for 3 days. I can't go on.

I really feel for you. Are you on the maximum safe doses of anti-sickness drugs?

At 30 weeks you are far too far along to terminate unless you feel that your life is in danger and the doctors agree.

Equally, the baby is too premature to have very good odds of thriving as an infant, although survival is likely.

I think you should accept being admitted, tbh.

Obviously I am not suggesting abortion at this late stage, but more hoping they might consider an early c section at 35/36 weeks. The prospect of worrying about this gallbladder for another 2 months is more than I can handle. I'm obviously too selfish to be a mother and probably should have realised I'm not mentally stable enough to cope. I hate myself for my weakness and inability to face a bodily function that others find normal. I'm so sad for my baby and just want to love him properly without all my crippling anxieties getting in the way.

Wait a minute, you can't equate anxiety with selfishness. You just can't. I don't have anxiety and I can feel really selfish towards my children. Motherhood isn't idyllic, always.

If your health is not stable at 35/36 weeks, then they may consider early induction. It would have to be quite extreme for them to consider it, though.

DD2 was induced at 35+2 because she stopped growing. She did have jaundice for quite a long time.

you have been offered medication but have you been offered acess to a talking therapy? This can really help and you should be a priority as you are pregnant. If you have not been offered please ask your gp to refer you to talk these things through. CBT has a good evidence base. You are so nearly there, (full term.)

being admitted may not be as bad as you think? if it is you can always discharge yourself?

I know that you are in a really bad place right now and my saying that your fear does not make you selfish or a bad mother will probably not lessen how you feel, but honestly, reading your post just made me think what an awful situation you are in and how sorry I am for you. But, first things first, you need to make sure you are safe, then worry about your baby IMO. Please make sure that you tell those around you that you are having suicidal thoughts-they need to keep you safe. They may consider an early c-section if they know about the extreme pressure you are under and the effect it's having on you. You do have options and if you can keep talking to the professionals caring for you, you can make some informed choices to help alleviate your situation. Sending you big, supportive hugs.

Thank you. Anxiety is a living hell. And I'm sure you're not selfish with your children. I just hope I get to experience motherhood and raise a child who is happy and unafraid. Fear is one of the most destructive things in life.

My cervix tends to shorten early, starts off 30ish then down to 25mm. Anything under 25mm is considered short so you don't actually need to worry there.

Having said all that, it may be that you will go into labour earlyish (36-38 weeks) anyway as your cervix does not have as far to go. I certainly did.

I really feel for you it is so unfair that you have to be anxious and in pain at this time.

Ahh SW just want to give you a big hug. I also am pregnant and have emetephobia. I have had CBT talking therapy which has helped greatly. Have you had this at all. Maybe you could talk to your midwife / GP about being admitted to the hospital. It could be that you get a private room. Keep talking and don't suffer alone. You are not a bad person / mother by any means. Xxx

Thanks everyone for your kindness. LuckySocks - there is no private room facility on the mat ward as it's being refurbished. I was just about coping but this gallbladder diagnosis has tipped me over the edge. I keep getting these huge flashes of hopelessness and terror, which is when I have thoughts about killing myself. I can't even think about the baby. It's like I'm completely disconnected from everything and everyone.