Pregnant & grieving

[elisabethCH14]

Hello all,

I'm new to Mumsnet so hoping some of you can offer some support.

My mum died very suddenly in February. She was only 57 and it was a huge shock. We were very close, despite living in different countries, and I could talk to her about everything. It sounds a little clichéd, but she was one of my best friends and knew me better than anyone.

Before she died, my husband and I, who were married last year, had already decided we'd start trying for a baby this year. After my mother's death, I thought it would be better to wait however my husband thought it would still be a good idea to start trying. I started to come round to the idea, thinking that a baby would help me focus on something else and bring me the change that I felt my life required. I therefore stopped to pill, however due to feeling pretty depressed for the last few months, my husband and I have hardly been 'active'...!

Last week, after feeling somewhat under the weather and a missed period (I put this down to an irregular cycle after coming off the pill), I did a test and the result was positive. I think I am around 4-6 weeks pregnant.

My husband is delighted but I am filled with shock and unease. It sounds silly but I didn't really expect to get a positive test however I thought that if I did, that I would be excited and happy. Now all I can feel is guilt - how can I be excited about this when my mum has been gone for only 4 months?

I suppose I will get used to this on the long term but at the moment I feel so sad and I am missing my mum terribly.

I feel really selfish as I know my mum was hoping to become a grandmother soon and to fall pregnant so quickly after her death feels cruel. And I also feel selfish when I know how many people would love a bfp and all I can feel is sadness and guilt.

I can't talk to my husband as he is thrilled and can't wait to become a dad. He can't understand my feelings. Just wondered if anyone else out there has experienced something similar?

Sorry for the ramble. Thanks for any support.

My dad died very suddenly at 62, when my little boy was only 5 months - he's nearly 2 now. Sometimes it's the milestones that hit the hardest - like when he started to walk, or when he first said grandad.

You're still grieving and it's perfectly normal to feel how you do. Maybe try talking to a grief counsellor - I found that helped. And sometimes I still talk to my dad. It does get better but you need to give yourself time.

Take care

So sorry for your loss, your DM sounds lovely. Imagine you were talking to her now, what would she say? Enjoy being a Mum, everything you do with your DC is what you learned from your DM so they will benefit from having a wonderful Nan without needing to meet her.

Your DC will probably inherit some physical or personality traits from your DM. When my 12 year old tells bad jokes I can hear FIL and he died just after he was born.

Be happy you know it is what she would have wanted.

Hi elisabeth. Don't have much time to post, but just wanted to say you are not alone. I was in a similar situation, I was a few weeks pregnant when a very close relative with cancer had a relapse. They died just a few weeks before my baby was born. It's fairly recent and still quite raw and it is hard having so many mixed emotions - joy and love for your child, sadness and despair for your loved one. And guilt for not being sad all the time.

I'm sure your mum would want you to be happy about the baby - it's ok to feel happy and grieve at the same time, no one will judge you for it.

Actually having the baby has helped me and my relatives through the most heartbreaking of times and I hope you find this too.

Please be kind to yourself.

I lost my mum a few years ago, so whilst not so recent as you I am often filled with sadness that she's not here to meet her first grandchild. Do not feel guilty for being happy, when my daughter was born it was the happiest moment of my life but there was a lot of sadness as well when I think of how unfair it is that mum wasn't there. It will be a rollercoaster, I won't lie to you!
A new baby can help with grief. My dad is the happiest he's been since losing mum, its lovely to see him beaming and laughing.

Just go with your emotions, be happy about your baby but also let yourself have a good cry when you feel overwhelmed.

Thank you all for your caring replies. ColdTea, PieceoftheMoon and NewLife ; I am so sorry for your losses.
It's true, my mum would be happy and I am sure she wouldn't want me to feel down about becoming a mum myself. I'll just have to get used to the idea now! Sydlexic, thank you for suggesting imagining a talk with my mum. I did that straight away and although it made me feel sad, I felt a lot better about the situation too!
Appreciate all of your kind words and support.
xxx

I am in a similar situation as I lost my dad before he had the chance to meet my DS, who would have been his first grandchild. It has been difficult and I feel especially sad about everything he is missing out on, but my baby is something very positive to focus on and I like to think that my dad is looking down on us. xx