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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

what does your mother do for you?

20 replies

alismummy · 06/06/2006 04:02

i was just wondering how much your mothers did for you, practically and emotionally, when you were pregnant? I ask because my own mother has stayed away from me for my entire pregnancy (Iam 38 weeks pregnant) and i am quite sad about it. Also really tired as i have a 2 year old ds to look after. I seem to be surrounded by women whose mums cant do enough for them which just makes me feel worse.

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Lillypond · 06/06/2006 04:19

Poor you. I had a big row with my mum during my pregnany and we only started talking again a few days before I gave birth. I was hugely envious of other pregnant women who had their mum's support.

How was your mum during your first pregnancy?

Original poster

alismummy · 06/06/2006 04:36

My first pregnancy,she was a 3 hour drive away and kept saying on the phone 'oh if you were here i'd take care of you, do the cooking etc'. it was probably a guilt trip, she isnt the most stable of people. Half the reason i moved home was as a result of these promises. i just cant believe my pregnancy has caused her to be less maternal. I wonder if its because she didnt have her mum with her (she left her mum however), maybe she thinks i can cope too. Anyway, thanks for replying, particularly at this hour. I will try and get some sleep. DS running a temp so i felt particularly stressed today.

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eidsvold · 06/06/2006 05:03

1st pregnancy she was on the other side of the world and did not see dd1 until we took her to Australia for a visit at 8 months old.

Pregnant with dd2 - nothing - she works full time.

Post birth ( c-section) she came and did some ironing the weekend I got out of hospital. She did look after dd1 the day I had surgery and with my SIL ( when mum got home from work) looked after dd1 forthe week I was on hospital - mainly SIL doing the caring as well as caring for her two children ( 3 and almost 6 months)

When pregnant with dd2 - we moved to Australia from the UK - mum looked after dd1 for a few hours so we could shift furniture and unpack at our house. The whole time I was pregnant my mum did very little as she again - works full time. So i was caring for dd1 ( 2 - 2 1/2) who has SN by myself - post c-section was lifting dd1 etc as she was not walking and still doing all I could. Just got on with it. Accepted that my mum wasn't really in a position to help - had a couple of friends who helped out - one in a similar situation to me - family not able to help out. So just got on with it- I guess. Very hard when I see other mums who had people running after them, cooking them meals, doing their cleaning, caring for children whilst they had a rest.

I was taking dd1 to therapy, SN playgroup, swimming etc whilst caring for newborn. SIL in the same position - she lived away from her family and had a couple of friends who were able to help out a little but she really did not have anyone when she had either child.

Luckily my dh is fab and he took over a lot when he got home from work so I could concentrate on dd2 and sleep etc - whilst he fed, bathed etc dd1 - now does that with the 2 of them. He also took time off work so he could come home early and take dd1 to therapy when I was unable to drive due to c-section.

threebob · 06/06/2006 05:38

My mum was on the other side of the world for most of my pregnancy - but visited me and took me on holiday at 7 months pg.

She arrived on my due date and did all our washing, putting away and cooking for 3 weeks. She also put up with me shouting at her.

She did say I looked fat, but I let that pass because she was doing my washing and I would rather be fat and rested than slim and knackered.

When I was ill 4 months later she came over and looked after us. I think she prevented me slipping into depression by providing company for me during the day.

When I was ill last year with pneumonia she came out again and looked after all of us for 4 weeks.

She is not maternal in a traditional sense - but boy is she great in a crisis. She was also massively pleased with the flowers we sent her each time.

schneebly · 06/06/2006 07:47

My mum passed away in 2002 aged 43 and I miss her sooo much but it was worse...a lot worse when I was pregnant - I just felt that I 'needed' her.

tigermoth · 06/06/2006 08:01

really sorry, alismummy. I hope your friends realise you don't have that extra dimension of support. If it is really getting to you, it is time to talk to them - they are your friends, after all, and you need their understanding.

My mum lived in another town so I did not have day to day support from her, but she was always there at the end of the phone.

Take care xx

twocatsonthebed · 06/06/2006 09:16

alismummy - I know just how you feel, but remember you're probably only hearing about the mums who do give support. There are plenty of others out there like you, I just suspect we don't say much about it.

When dp and I talked about getting pregnant, we did it in the full knowledge that we'd be pretty much on our own without any support from family. His mum died many years ago, and I haven't lived with mine since I was 8. I look after her far more than she looks after me, and can't rely on her at all.

hope you're feeling a bit better and get to put your feet up in the sun today

Original poster

alismummy · 06/06/2006 13:40

Thankyou for your replies. I think what got to me was that my son is feverish at the moment and i rang her to ask her what she did when we had high temperatures and she said 'i dont know'. She may be sulking as i took my ds to hers last thurs, on her invitation, but she had my sister and partner coming over and couldnt cope with the double booking. I should have taken him back home but i was tired and i left him (which is what i do on the thursdays she has him). I did come to pick him up early. My sisters partner asked her if she was excited about the new baby and she just looked at him. i think this pregnancy has just highlighted the fact that we have always had a poor relationship. Maybe due to the fact i went to boarding school at 11. Although it was an escape from her mood swings, violent outbursts and criticsm. i really dont know why i expected us to be happy families now.

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squishy · 11/06/2006 20:56

schneebly, my Mum died in '87 aged 40 (I was 12) and I can't believe how much I feel I need her now - weird having gone through most of my life without her; this is far worse than my wedding and it took me by surprise. Doesn't help that DH's parents are being absent emotionally as well as practically. My Dad and stepmother are brill but live in France!!! Feel a bit sad at times, but it means DH and I have to rely on each other much more

cat64 · 11/06/2006 21:03

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Waswondering · 11/06/2006 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hulababy · 11/06/2006 21:12

I was incredibly lucky. My mum got a week's PAID dependent's leave when I had my c section (emergency) with DD. So she took that time off, spread over 2 weeks and alternated with DH to come to the house in those early stages. She would watch DD when I slept, and would do a fair bit fo the housework too for me. And all this with nio car (she doesn't drive) - it took her well over an hour on 3 buses to get to the house. My dad collected her at night. Fab! :)

I didn't really need any help during my pregnancy luckily. No other children to help out with and once sickness stopped around 4 months I was fine.

WideWebWitch · 11/06/2006 21:14

My mum was living abroad when I was pregnant first time so I hardly saw her when I was pregnant but she did come and help for 6 weeks after ds was born. Then she went 'home' to S Africa for 2 odd years! Second time round she had ds while I was in labour and for a bit of the next day and then came for a couple of days to help. But other than that, she's not really much help, she has an adopted child of her own so doesn't have much time really. I know, it's envy making when you hear other people go on about how much their mothers help isn't it? I have a wonderful Ex mil who is happy to help even with dd, who is not biologically related to her and I'm very grateful for that.

neena28 · 11/06/2006 21:17

Sweet f* all to be honest except make sarcastic remarks and be a pain when she felt like showing up.

When she came to see dd when we got home at 1pm having had her that morning at 9am, she said "put the kettle on would you I've barely slept all night thinking about whether you'd had it yet".

I feel exactly the same as you alismummy, my sil has a mum that has her 2 yo three times a week and her dd2 is now 5 months and sil is always telling me how tired she is/ busy etc! ARGHHH!

Like you, does me make me sad though and quite resentful to the people that do have help.

Oh and my mum lives in the same village as me!

WideWebWitch · 11/06/2006 21:22

Schneebly and squishy, I'm so sorry about your mums.

alismummy, I think being pregnant and becoming mothers ourselves inevitably brings up all sorts of feelings about what a mother is and what we expect of our own so no matter what's happened in the past we hope it'll change everything.

FrannyandZooey · 11/06/2006 21:25

My mum went abroad for 3 months when I was pregnant :(

When she came back, she told me I should be induced on a certain date, because then it would be convenient for her to visit a day or two later, and not get in the way of Easter.

tribpot · 11/06/2006 21:36

My mum .. nothing during pregnancy except telling me how hers had been and also relevant bits from my sister/SILs' pregnancy. After birth, an utterly essential week in which she came and looked after the house and us, so that we could look after the baby, she also took him out for a huge long walk every afternoon so we could get some kip, and she NEVER criticised anything, EVER. I know she hasn't always approved of the approaches taken by my SILs but she's never said a word, and never offered an opinion unless asked for.

And that is how you have eleven grandchildren courtesy of five different women, all of whom think my mum is tops at being a granny.

Having said that, I do feel envious of people who can rely on their parents for regular childcare, but I also don't begrudge my mum the fact that she has a busy and varied life of her own to lead.

Original poster

alismummy · 19/06/2006 17:06

oh fgs. Now that i am 3 days overdue, my mum has just said to me, 'Poor girl. you never got any help with this pregnancy did you. Mind you, neither did i (she left her family of her own accord). You just want someone to comfort you and theres noone there'. So she was being intentionally off with me The fact that she had a cook, cleaner and gardener when she was pregnant seems to have escaped her memory. All I needed was some practical help with my son in the daytime so i could do household chores. I know this is a continued rant but she is downstairs and if i dont write this i will try and confront her and she will sulk and i cant afford that at this point in pregnancy.

OP posts:

BetsyBoop · 19/06/2006 21:29

My Mum died when I was 30 & I particularly missed having her around when I was pregnant & now DD is here.

It was odd though, I not normally the sort of person who thinks like this, but I had the strongest feeling that Mum was watching down on me when I was pregnant & keeping me & baby safe.

Make the most of whatever time you have with your Mum, while you still can.

lunavix · 19/06/2006 21:32

My mum doesn't care for anyone bar herself. She has phoned last week to ask if she can come up - it sounded like it was to see us but turns out she's broke and has split up with her bf. I'm 32 weeks pg and cheesed off frankly.

She visited ds once after he was born and then didn't see him for nine months, and she only lives about an hour away. Having said that, she's a nasty woman and we don't want her here.

I too am surrounded by people whose mums are 'coming to stay for 6 weeks to help'

Could cry!

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