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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnancy and bereavement

16 replies

okavango · 11/07/2013 09:44

I am five months pregnant and my dad died very suddenly when I was about 6 weeks. I adored my dad. I have been on progesterone from 4.5 until 21 weeks due to prevoius mcs which presumably kept the baby alive. My problem is bonding. I think that the baby should have died when dad did. I have an anterior placenta so can't feel much. I have tried various things to help eg counselling and Hypnobirthing classes but it doesn't change the fact that I just don't want a baby now. A helpful health visitor also told me this week that I am bound to have a massive crash once the baby is born because of dad and the hormones which hasn't improved matters!

Has anyone been through something similar and have any ideas? it is putting considerable pressure on my relationship with dh.

OP posts:

Seeline · 11/07/2013 09:53

So sorry that you've lost your dad- it is hard.
I lost my dad when I was 6mnths pg with my second DC - again it was very sudden and completely unexpected. I tried to focus on the new baby as much as possible, saw her as a gift sent in his place IYSWIM? It was also very helpful for my poor mum.
However, my DD is now nearly 9 and sometimes I still feel that I haven't "had time" to grieve properly yet. I was expecting a big fall when she was born, but this didn't happen - and I still kind of expect this 'fall' to happen at some point.
Not much help I'm afraid, but please try and concentrate on the baby - it wasn't their 'fault'. rather than thinking hte medication kept your baby alive, why not see it as either determination of hte baby to come and help you out when you're feeling down, or perhaps, extra support being sent by your dad? depends on your viewson these sorts of things, but there may be another way of looking at things.

moominmaiden · 11/07/2013 09:56

Did not want to read and run. I'm so sorry about your Dad.

My lovely Granny, who was like a second mum, died in the early stages of my pregnancy - I found out a couple of weeks later and it was a massive shock. I have no idea if this helps but I found comfort in a new life where one had passed, and have felt as though she is watching over the pregnancy, which in itself has felt very precious as I had a miscarriage last year. If the baby is a girl (unlikely given what we saw at the 20 week scan) we will name her after my Gran as it feels like a continuation if that makes sense?

Has your health visitor / midwife not been able to suggest any kind of counselling to help you work through your feelings? It seems oddly unhelpful of her to imply that you will get get PND but not offer any kind of preventative support.

Take care x

moominmaiden · 11/07/2013 09:59

Sorry - I missed in your OP that you have tried counselling

JoinTheDots · 11/07/2013 10:09

Hi there

I can really understand your feelings, as I lost my mum when I was about 12 weeks pregnant (after a near miscarriage at 8 weeks) and went through the whole pregnancy feeling like I did not really want to have the baby anymore. I did not exactly feel like she should have died, but more felt apathy towards everything to do with the pregnancy. Other people were buying baby items and clothes and whatnot, and I kept things to an utter minimum, just getting a few essentials when I was about 38 weeks. It was a bit like I was in denial about having the baby at all.

After the baby was born, I was also expecting some kind of crash of grief, and I will be honest there were times during the 3am feed when I was tired and feeling low, that I cried for mum and it felt very unfair, but at no point did I have a really big crash. I also still feel like I am waiting to have time to grieve properly (DD is now almost 3) and still waiting for it to sink in properly.

I did bond with DD when she was born, although not immediately. I found my in built need to keep her at least safe, warm and fed kicked in, even if I did not have the massive rush of love and pride I feel now every time I see her when she wakes in the morning and comes trotting into my room to see me - that took time, maybe 6 to 10 weeks, to really feel like she was something extra special in my life.

I think it is positive you are not trying to hide or bury your feelings, have you considered talking to your GP about it, it is possible to have pre-natal depression, and there might be something they can suggest to help you get through it. I cannot promise it will all be fine when the baby gets here, but I can tell you it was for me.

bunchofposy · 11/07/2013 10:13

You poor thing. That wasn't helpful of the health visitor, who presumably isn't a mental health expert and doesn't know how you are 'bound' to handle anything.

Bonding during pregnancy is a common problem even without such a traumatic thing having happened - but it is impossible to know how you are going to feel about having your baby until it is here, and there is an equal chance that it will be a really positive thing for you after what you have been through. It is also possible that towards the end of the pregnancy when things start seeming a bit more real, you will feel differently to how you feel now.

Have you been to your GP or mentioned it to your midwife? If not, I would.

MrsBungle · 11/07/2013 10:17

Hello op. sorry to hear about your dad. My mum died a few weeks before I knew I was pregnant. I'd spent a lot if months in and out of hospital with mum (she was dying of cancer). I had hyperemesis from when I was about 6 weeks and was hospitalised for most of the time between 7 and 20 weeks. The grief, the illness, the being back in hospitals again all compounded everything.

I did not bond at all with my baby when I was pregnant. I was very worried I wouldn't love it when it came out. I felt guilty for being pregnant when my mum had just gone. I felt like the baby was 'replacing' my mum. This wasn't helped by loads of people saying to me that when someone dies another is born - I just thought, well, I'll have my mum back please. She was only 52.

Anyway, in my own case as soon as my dd came out I fell massively in love with her. I got all the rushes of love that some people talk about.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is try not to put any pressure on yourself about how you will feel when baby is born. As I say, I was convinced I wouldn't love my baby. I had no feelings for her before she was born and yet once she was here I just loved her immediately. Before she was here I had panic attacks thinking I just didn't want the baby.

It's difficult enough to lose someone without being pregnant. It's a very tough time.

Sorry I don't think I've any great advice but hopefully my experience shows that even with these feelings you can have your baby and feel for them the way anyone else does once they're here. Lots of love

Original poster

okavango · 11/07/2013 10:24

Thanks so much everyone, I am sorry that it has happened to so many people. I will go back to the gp about more suitable counselling and try and be more positive that the baby is still around. As you say the health visitor was really talking worse case scenario about after the birth, she is very interested in mental health so probably went over the top. Will see what I can do to patch things up with dh.

OP posts:

chillynose · 11/07/2013 10:36

So sorry about what u r going through
Congratulations on ur pregnancy
Do u know if u r having a girl or boy
Xx

BabsAndTheRu · 11/07/2013 10:37

Not quite the same but similar, I fell pregnant with DS2 less than a month after my dad died. Felt so sad that my dad would not meet him. Would get quite panicky at times, don't know if it was the hormones or grieve or both. As a whole family we were coping with so much. My poor mum needed a lot of support, but it was my mum and my sister who helped see it would all be okay. They reminded me that dad would have been over the moon for our wee family and that all he wished for was us all to be happy and for life to go on. Its as if i felt guilty for carrying on as normal if you see what i mean. I can't tell you how much joy he has brought us all, our little Ross Thom, Thom was my dads name. He and DS1 helped us all through that difficult time as they are such characters and Rossi looks so much like my dad. He put the twinkle back in my mums eyes. Crying writing this when I think back to this time. It will be all okay op. Lots of love to you and yours from everyone here at BabsAndTheRu.

Original poster

okavango · 11/07/2013 11:43

Thanks Babs it's lovely to hear that it can be fine once the baby arrives.

Chilly I never wanted to know the sex and didn't want to feel that I had been pushed into it so didn't ask. I have another scan next week so can ask if I want to.

OP posts:

bunchofposy · 11/07/2013 17:13

Obviously it's really nice to have a surprise under normal circumstances, but it might well help you bond more so worth considering. Good luck, I hope you feel better soon, get all the RL support you can. xx

Original poster

okavango · 11/07/2013 22:35

thanks posy, everyone here has done me lots of good already and have been nice to dh too! he definitely would like to know the sex so we might ask next time.

OP posts:

MrsBungle · 12/07/2013 10:54

Hi again op.

I didn't find out the sex with my first pregnancy. I decided to find out with my second as I thought it might help me bond since I had far from bonded with my first!

I have to say it did help although my second pregnancy was not in the same bereaved circumstances as the first. I do think it helped with bonding though!

Let us know how you get on x

Original poster

okavango · 13/07/2013 06:26

will do. Next scan on 12 August. The baby seems to have grown hugely in the last few days so I thought it might have been a massive hormone surge that made me feel so depressed this week although my brother had a v bad week too and is obviously not pregnant!

OP posts:

CalamityJones · 13/07/2013 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sazzle82 · 13/07/2013 14:21

Hi OP
My MIL was diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant and unfortunately passed just 3 months later.
I know it's not the same as your situation, but I too am waiting for it to hit me and DH and am worrying about how I will feel after the birth.
I couldn't bond at all, or think about the baby for a long time until we had the 20 week scan and found out the sex, around the same time being able to feel the baby (rather than just pops and flutters) properly kicked in. Suddenly our baby was a person and I felt a lot more connected.
A close friend of DH went through the same thing 2 years ago and his advice to us was that whilst we may not feel it now, this baby will be our saviour and will get us through this.
I'm so sorry for your loss, such an awful thing to go through. X

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