Managing visitors after birth...advice and opinion

[MrsTmum2be]

Hi lovely mummies and mummies to be!

I'm 35+3 and getting excited about the impending arrival of baby number 1! I'm pretty cool calm and collected about labour and birth and the only thing giving me palpitations at the moment is managing visitors( namely MIL) after baby arrives.

My predicament is that for eight months of the year my in laws live abroad. They are planning arriving home a week before baby's due date but then have said they have to be back at their home abroad to welcome visitors! ( Don't get me started!) Now if baby arrives on their due date not a problem but god forbid I go two weeks over then they will be looking at going back overseas approx two weeks after baby is born. My concern, basically that they will drop in on us for the two weeks hubby is on paternity leave, time I want the three of us to adapt to our new little family. This is the first grandchild and of course I want them to spend time with the baby but I feel like it will be on their terms rather than my or my hubby's!

I've tried to broach this conversation with hubby but he can't seem to see it from my perspective, I don't want ANY visitors for the first few days at home, he says we can't stop them seeing their grand child etc, which of course I don't mean to. I'm just worried that the two weeks immediately after baby arrives, I'm going to be tired and emotional and trying to learn the best way to look after my gorgeous bundle, I don't want to feel stressed out or worried I'm going to cause a rift with my MIL. I've already spoken to my side of the family about visitors and they are completely understanding, and will take their lead from us. MIL has already made comments about being jealous and it being unfair my own mum will be able to see the baby more often, now it's not my fault they choose to live in another country is it? I guess my question really is how would you handle this situation?

Look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Xx

Hi OP.. in the same boat as you counting the weeks and also worried about visitors more than the labour. However, I got talking to a girl recently who said the first two weeks you are on a high and dying to show baby off... it is after that that the reality kicks in.
I don't think you can prevent the grandparents from visiting. Especially if your husband isn't backing you up on it. I already have my mother on my case about the hospital visiting hours being restricted !!!!!
Try not to worry about this.. that would be my advice. Also, when they are at your house don't be over eager in making tea or being too hospitable to the point you exhaust yourself. x

Get your hubby to read some birth and recovery stories online.maybe if he has a more realistic understanding of the immediate days after birth he will see this from your perspective. My own experience (which the midwife said was a lovely quick easy recovery and followed a natural birth) was heavy bleeding (think period x5 for about 8-10 days) leaky boobs, constant hunger and thirst, my husband needed all his time and attention for me and dd, not entertaining guests. That said we had quite a few visitors but I had a strict rule of only come if your willing to make yourself (and me) a cuppa, don't expect any real hospitality and leave within 30 minutes. Stand your ground, perhaps they could arrange to arrive 1week post baby? You'll be able to have a much more relaxed and enjoyable time and will be less antsy and possessive over pfb(possessiveness in early days is normal and instinctive so don't fight it!!) HTH!

Let them come if they insist but don't do anything for them. Let them make their own tea, food. You are going to be exhausted and achy and will want to have a rest as much as you can. I never understand how other women dont realise that. Hope you'll get it sorted

Hi, I can see exactly where you are coming from! My DS is 20 weeks now and I had an influx of visitors at the hospital, then the MIL waiting at our house when we left hospital, nightmare! Tell DS that you need a couple of days to adjust, reason being that your body has just been through a lot of trauma and changes and you need to peace to recover. Also the baby being passed around different people will be unsettling. I had so many visitors after my son was born and it was so stressful. Hope this helps

You might find you feel differently after the baby is born. I did, anyway - seeing grandparents with dd was wonderful and actually it was really nice having people around after the birth - days with a newborn can actually be quite long and stressful and visitors really took some of the intensity off.

i think it depends how you interact with them. if they are not staying with you then it will be better. but how about when they visit then put them to good use.
for example they come round and cook you all dinner or clean the bathroom while you and baby have a nap. if they can do some chores for you while they visit then they can have some cuddle time.

im sure if they are reasonable they will do it since they wont see baby for a while

I think that given they're going abroad again you DO need to let them 'visit' while they're here.. BUT... be VERY clear about what a 'visit' entails and talk about this with DH.

Say maybe an hour a day? timed at your choosing... which you will decide after the birth depending on what suits your baby the best... they come, they cuddle and they leave again... your dh hosts them and also tells them when to leave.. you get a rest if you need it, but you also get the baby back immediately if s/he is unsettled and needs to feed.

I think you'll do better if you agree with your dh that they get to see the new baby little and often until they go back to work.

Hmmm. I live I overseas.

My MIL wanted to come around my due date in October, we advised kindly that we wanted the time together as a family and politely said no.

My parents wanted to come 6 weeks after due date.

We said the same to them.

Yes they are grandparents and we want them to visit, but when we choose. Might sound harsh but we are very clear in this. We will never get this time back, and this might very likely be our only child.

Family visits in 2014 only :)

Can your DH stagger his paternity leave and maybe take a week off for the first week and then take the second a bit later once first visits are out of the way?
When DS was born, we had lots of visitors including MIL and GPIL's from overseas. Everyone was expected to pull weight and make tea etc. they also quickly realise that while they are gorgeous, newborn babies don't do much beyond sleep and eat (and cry) so spending hours and hours with them does get a little (whisper) boring. You could maybe also suggest that your MiL plans a trip back over for when DC is 6-8 weeks old and will be much more active. That is when she will really be "missing out" as they then get more and more active and engaged with you.

I think that after a baby is born it should be family time, mom ,dad and baby (siblings if any).

My best friend has recently had a baby and I'm not going round until the baby is about 10 days old - everyone is saying, "How can you wait that long?" !! I tell them that it isn't about me, it is about giving them the special family time they should all be having.

Post birth weeks should be a time for the parents and baby to get to know each other, bond with each other and form attachments and not a time for baby being passed around between people like some kind of attraction . In some Asian countries once a woman has given birth nobody is allowed to see her or the baby for 6 weeks (except for dad of course). This is to allow for bonding time and allows the 'nesting in' period to take place.

Good luck with your in-laws!!!!

Agree, let them visit but tell them there is a 30 min - 1 hour time limit.

You will not be entertaining / hosting they will have to fend for themselves and you will expect them to pop to the shops on the way / make you some lunch / clean up after themselves (delete as appropriate!)

If your DH has a problem with it point out to him that you are the one pushing an actual human out of your vagina - something which can take quite some time, is bloody exhausting and causes a hormone overdrive. And when he learns how to grow a whole person and expel them from his body he can be in charge of visitors.

I had a really tough birth following a lengthy induction and was an emotional mess when I finally got home with the baby. I didn't want to see anyone and told DH to tell everyone that basically we'd had a tough time of it and that we would let people know when we were up for visitors. Everyone was understanding and within a couple of days I was looking forward to seeing people and showing the baby off. Agree with other posters though- keep visits short, if people aren't taking the hint then take the baby off to bed for a feed and simply don't come back down till they've left! Better yet- arrange to take the baby to other people's houses for visits so that you can leave of your own accord when you've had enough.

I'm a bit worried about this myself. This is my 1st, and I haven't got a clue what to do with my newborn, so I really want my mum to come and stay a couple of days once he arrives just to help me out. Both mine and DH parents live 4 hours away so I haven't really been able to share my pregnancy with either my mum or MIL (although MIL is only really interested in the baby, not me at all, never wants to speak to me on the phone, only cares about baby's progress)

No MIL has been trying to make me and DH feel guilty by saying how left out she feels and she hasn't been included like my mum has (I have seen my mum once since becoming pregnant, as I have my MIL) and is upset that my mum will be coming up straight away. To counter this, I have said I'm more than happy for her to come up as soon as he arrives to see him for a day or 2, but to stay in a hotel as my parents will be staying with me. She WAS ok with this but now seems to be making grumbles about this . I did say she could come back after a few more weeks once I've recovered and baby is a bit less of a blob and a bit more 'baby' but this doesn't seem to have gone down very well :(

I'm trying to please everyone, but its so difficult.

I would definitely set out your stall now, so to speak. Manage expectations in the nicest possible way so there is no misunderstanding.

I was railroaded into my PILs coming to stay three days after giving birth by my DH - he was excited and I was too shattered to even think. I was a mess and crying, bleeding, boob leaking etc. they we horrible to me - tried to take the baby away from me while I made them tea! Told me to 'go for a walk' on my own! awful! After that, our relationship has deteriorated massively.

Make your decision now and you can always invite them to come sooner if you are feeling up to it.

this is stressing me out too. i really want it to just be the 3 of us when we bring baby home for the first few days as im expecting to feel like ive been hit by a bus and im hoping to bf so want to get that established without an audience!
ive tried bringing it up with dp but he hasnt quite 'got it'. he says 'sure theyre going to to be excited and its your parent first gc'. also, his family are all very close and only 5 mins away whereas my folks will be just over an hour away and my mum will def turn it into a competition as to who sees the baby first/the most.
and yes to limiting visiting times too!! as i read on another thread, if anyone has a problem with it they are only thinking of themselves and not you and baby.

This subject is seriously stressing me out. I've been told by MIL that she will be coming down and that's it. No asking when is best etc. it's really really annoyed me. I understand she wants to see the baby and that's fine. I would just like to be asked when is good for us. DH doesn't really get it either. Is it reasonable to request no visitors for a week or even 2 (or is that pushing it?!)
It's probably made worse that my mum is coming for the birth. But she has said (and I have no problem telling her the truth) that she will go straight away afterwards if we want or stay a day or 2 if we feel like we need help.

I've got a slightly different take on this. My MIL didn't visit us until DS2 was 5 months old. I know that hurt DH a lot. They live a 4 hour drive away and couldn't be bothered to travel. I'm 32 weeks pregnant tomorrow with DS3 I know my PIL wont visit. We will be expected to visit them at Christmas, I am not travelling beforehand.

I think its about give and take on both sides. Sure, visitors should be sensitive to not outstaying their welcome, come for an hour, get themselves and you refreshments, not expect to stay for meals etc. But to stop grandparents visiting for weeks and weeks feels a bit mean to me. I read horror stories on mumsnet about visitors turning up, expecting to be waited on etc, maybe I am lucky, but everyone who visited me brought food and drink, snuck off to empty or load dishwasher etc and only stayed for an hour max.

In your predicament OP, I would get your DH on side to explain to your in-laws how excited you are that they are visiting, but that you would like some time just the three of you too. Maybe suggest they visit every other day or so when they're over and you would prefer afternoons, so you don't have to cook etc.

But then no one here knows what your MIL is like (although her comment about being jealous of your mother is unreasonable). You need to set expectations, but be fair about it.

When I will hopefully have grandkids, I certainly wont be around everyday, but I think a visit for an hour a couple of times in the first couple of weeks isnt unreasonable. Given your in-laws are abroad, then I think every other day for an hour or so is fair?

You also don't know how you will feel at the time either. My advice is go in strong, do what you need to do, but equally, let them see their grandchild for a bit too.