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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Overbearing helpful family

15 replies

lulubear1 · 05/07/2013 15:32

Hi all,

I'll try and keep this brief but i am expecting my first, only 8 weeks gone but me and DP are very happy. He has 2 dc from a previous relationship whom we see on a regular basis. The problem is the SIL she is driving me crazy, at only 8 weeks she is already trying to "help" one example is she phoned the hosptial where i am due to give birth to try and arrange me scan/mw appointment around my holiday dates. She constantly is involved in how he interacts with his previous dc who he has a good relationship with but she is also very good friends with his XP (they split 4 years before we met) so she phones up and gets involved in their arguments.

What is concerning me is that she is already this involved at 8 weeks what is she going to be like when dc is born. She is already giving me advice on how to raise them and what routine i should be in.

I am already feeling overwhelmed as my first but not my dp, and one of the last to have a dc in my friends/family, so they are all being helpful and i feel quite a lot of pressure to be super mum.

My question i suppose is how to tactifully get her to stop interferring so much, i have spoken to DP and explained how i feel but he is very protective of her and thinks i am being over sensitive, which maybe i am but i feel the tension building with her and i want to defuse it before i explode and cause a lot of trouble.

Sorry it's so long, any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

eurozammo · 05/07/2013 15:36

She's phoning the hospital about your appointments?!? I hope they refused to discuss them with her. That is completely overbearing. I think you need to be firm from the off about her behaviour.

Original poster

lulubear1 · 05/07/2013 15:39

yes they didn't discuss anything with her and when i found out i was furious but my DP just laughed and said that is what she is like she likes to help.

OP posts:

burberryqueen · 05/07/2013 15:41

that is not helping it is controlling, try to nip it in the bud

NatashaBee · 05/07/2013 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThreeEyedRaven · 05/07/2013 15:58

Have you pulled her up on why she thought it was ok to ring the hospital for you?

What was her response?

You seriously need to nip this in the bud ASAP.

Does she have children of her own?

Original poster

lulubear1 · 06/07/2013 12:22

yes she has 2 a 23yo and 7. I didn't pull her up spoke to dp. everyone in his family thinks it's ok and she's being helpful where as I find it quite controlling. she is so involved in dp xp and kids and don't want the same to happen with my baby

OP posts:

misskatamari · 06/07/2013 16:08

what a nightmare lulubear1. I would definitely try and speak to her about this - maybe approach it in a "I know you are trying to help and i appreciate that, however it is still very early days and I just want to take some time to enjoy my pregnancy and learn about it at my own pace" type thing. Also your hubby needs to understand that if you feel uncomfortable with her actions he needs to support you, not dismiss your feelings and back her up instead. Good luck, she sounds a right pain!

Monka · 06/07/2013 16:50

I am in a similar situation but with my MIL. She is a control freak and wants complete control over my baby including to be the one to give it their first bath just because she got away with it for the other DILs. My DH should be the one to put her in her place but he's scared of upsetting her as his dad passed away 18 months ago. None of her other sons put MIL in her place either so clearly she thinks its acceptable.

I informed DH that if he doesn't want to gently and kindly tell her to back away from me, then I will do it and it will be 100x worse because I am hormonal and can imagine that after birth will be in no position to mollycoddle her nutty requests. My MIL knows not to ask me these things directly as she has no emotional hold on me so I haven't had a chance to tell her no as yet but I will when she turns up at my house after the baby is here.

When your SIL interferes just tell her thank-you but if i need your help i will ask you. i am capable of doing things for myself. And keep repeating this. Your SIL shouldnt dare to question your abilities to and if she does bring it up with your DP. i will do this with my MIL unless I am very sleep deprived and then who knows what I will end up saying!

Lydia161290 · 06/07/2013 18:55

I'd nip that straight in the bud! Phoning about your hospital appointments is utterly ridiculous and quite frankly insulting. So, she probably THINKS she means well, but does she think you're incapable or something?

Your DP sounds like he needs to wake up a bit and stop letting his sister butt into his life. That's one thing I've had to deal with in my relationship. You can't say anything directly because you don't want to create an atmosphere.

No. I would be furious and I would distance myself away from that asap. It's your pregnancy, your baby, your FIRST experiences. Who do these people think they are anyway trying to rule us first timers?!
Haha. I'm rambling.

But you don't want to get involved with some nosey hole butting in your business like she is doing with his ex!

Serialdrinker · 06/07/2013 19:09

If you don't want to full on confront her just say 'thanks for trying to help with my appointments (or whatever it is next) but I'm really enjoying doing everything myself, it helps me feel close to my baby, I expect you enjoyed getting to do all these things for you're children so I just know you understand how I feel. Also I know your so experienced so if I want or need any advice I'll make sure I ask you for it if and when I need you' big smile and change topic (repeat as and when needed). It's loony behaviour though and if you can't sort it then your DH will have to.

sprite25 · 06/07/2013 19:36

I would first talk to DP in a calm and serious way, tell him that your going to be the mother of his child and although he has others, this is your first baby and he should be putting you and that baby before his sisters feelings. She already has her own children she should be concentrating on instead of trying to rule your life. I know you dont want to cause arguments or atmosphere but using the timid, grateful approach (I think) wont work because she will just think she can still get away with it. Next time she tries to ram her excellent advice down your neck, stand tall, look her in the eye and firmly tell her that although this is your first baby, it is YOUR baby all the same and you will raise it/dress it/feed it etc how you and DP see fit and that you are a grown woman who has managed to survive this long so things like appointments are well within your capabilities.

purplemurple1 · 08/07/2013 12:19

My SIL is abit like this too, and works at the hospital we are going to - thankfully I had a nice argument with her at 8wks about something else and she has seriously backed off from our lives. Don't be afraid to point out its your bb and realtionship and therefore your role to do the planning and organising.

Is there anything you don't care about that you could delegate to her to do? I've asked mine to look out for a changing table and baby rocking cradle, (we'll pay), as I don't really care either way if we have these but OH wants them.

Also I'm finding its good to have done your own research so you can back up any decisions your making when they (well meaning people) come to you with advice. Oh and leave yourself wiggle room so you can change your mind, that is your perocative after all.

ThreeEyedRaven · 08/07/2013 12:28

What she is doing is actually illegal - trying to interfere in your medical appts. If any of the health care providers tell her anything then they are in breach of the data protection act and could get the sack.

Holly94 · 08/07/2013 12:31

Lulubear1 my DM is the same. It's mine and DP's first baby and as we're both quite young (I'm 18 he's 22) she's trying to control everything, including dictating which hospital I have the baby in and where we live so that everyone gets to see the baby as much as they want.
She even told me she wants to be the first grandparent to see and hold the baby before his parents as apparently it belongs more to her than them.
I just find that taking a strong approach and not backing down or letting them take over works. At the end of the day it's your baby and your appointments etc are yours and DPs business only, no one else's!
Good luck and congratulations!

Original poster

lulubear1 · 08/07/2013 13:13

Thanks for all the advice, think i will have to have a serious talk to DP, I don't want friction as we're all going away for 2 weeks in 2 weeks time, so may wait till we get back for any confrontations (if i haven't killed her whilst away). The hosptial didn't give her any info they just told her to get the mother to ring in and they would discuss with me. Next time she does try and interfer though will def put my foot down and just say thanks for the advice etc. but will deal with or do it my way but i'll ask if need anything.

OP posts:

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