Mad midwife!

[Sions1]

Hi there everyone, I'm 38 + 3 (first pregnancy) and so far so good have been having a lovely pregnancy. I do however have 3 large fibroids and have been under consultant care but, thankfully they don't think they will cause any problems and I should be able to have a normal delivery. Anyway, because of this I did have fears re.labour but I tackled them head on by going to lazy daisy classes, reading loads and hypnobirthing. However, 5 days ago at my routine midwife appt she asked me if I had any worries. I replied "I'm a little bit wary of what's ahead of me, but we're all in the same boat." Her answer was "Well, I will tell you this- you WILL feel as if you're dying. But just take all the drugs." I was absolutely gobsmacked and have been having trouble sleeping ever since. I know She's talking rubbish but I've reached a stage where I'm quite emotional and hormonal and her comment has had quite an effect on me. I would dread to think of her repeating this comment to anyone else, especially i.e. an impressionable 16 yr.old. Should I complain or am I just hormonal and over reacting?!! Sorry for the long post but just felt I needed some advice on this, thanks in advance!

Personally I'd make a complaint.

You sound very prepared for your baby and I'm sure you know that women who are more physically and emotionally prepared (hypnobirthing etc) are very likely to have a wonderful birth.

It does amaze me how so many people feel like its fine to say such negative things like this to a pregnant women. Panic and fear really can lengthen an ordinary labour and make it a lot more painful. So try and ignore, she has no idea how you as an individual will handle birthing your baby.

Keep positive and confident.

Ridiculous. It was extremely painful but I did not think I was dying and gas and air worked a treat. I was able to turn down the offer of diamorphine.

What an unhelpful comment.
Ignore it. You will not think you are dying at all. For me it helped to realise that it is a constructive pain, the pain will stop and you will have a beautiful baby at the end.
I have 2 children. I have only experienced one labour, and I was really disappointed. If it was as bad as your mw said I wouldn't still be beating myself up over it. Good luck, keep positive

What!? Yes it hurts alot, but at no point during either of my two labours did I think I was dying! I'd be making a massive complaint, it is not on to scare pregnant women like that!

Gas and air is the shit, btw :o

What a terrible thing to say! I would definitely have a word, at least with her, if not as a formal complaint. Perhaps say that you were looking for some reassurance about your worries and her response has made you more anxious.

Yes, obviously it hurts, but to be fair I've had horrible pains in my abdomen and been convinced I was going to have an unexpected baby, only to find out that it was just constipation and trapped wind!

For me its like really bad period pains, nothing like dying. I had just G&A with my 1st & 2nd, then nothing at all with my 3rd. Never was the pain bad enough for me to contemplate any other drugs or an epidural. I think it varies a lot, but for me, tiredness was more of a problem than pain.

Yes, first time round its probably a bit worse and takes longer, but as Sistermatic said, when you remember that its pain with a purpose it becomes more bearable.

Hope its all straightforward and lovely for you x

Complain. She's wrong anyway. Dying? Honestly? We'd be an endangered species with one child each if that was the case. Ignore her ignorant comments and talk with someone more supportive, emotionally intelligent and educated on the subject.

I found labour and birth intense and with discomfort/pain at times but not particularly painful overall. Being relaxed helps (I laboured in water). I used meditation and breathing techniques. And little mantras to get me through intense bits (often 'keep going keep going' or 'nearly there nearly there' etc). I had intervention, oxytocin drip and eventually a vontouse delivery with DD2 and still didn't need copious amounts of painkillers. It was good to know the painkillers were there if I had needed them.

You sound very prepared. Use the techniques you've learned and try to relax. Keep focused on the goal. You and DBaby snuggled up in less than 4 weeks because you will get there.

Thanks so much for all your answers, you've made me feel a whole lot better. I think I will have a word next time I see her, I'm not one for complaining but I feel really strongly about this and maybe she'll think twice about saying something so unhelpful again. As for the drugs, I have nothing against taking any if the need arises but I'm hoping to 'start small' and see how it goes. Thanks again everyone for giving me some perspective on the matter! X

Oh gawd, yes, do say somthing .
She may have ment it in an 'over the top' and tongue in cheek kinda way, but still Not Helpful.

FWIW, I experienced labout as painful, but also has exciting and deeply satisfying in a strange kind of way - similar to the exhausted feeling when you are trudging up a mountain, your legs hurt, you're out of breath, you do NOT want to be doing this anymore and it's raining. But then you reach the peak and the clouds clear, you have an amazing view and this phantastic sense of Achievement. I have never felt more like the saying goes: "I am woman, hear me roar" than postnatally .

Practice all the stuff you've leant and use it when the time comes. Trust your body that it can do this. Take meds if you want to. Or not if you don't. And I hope you'll be able to enjoy the experience in the end.

And have a baby to take home .

Best of luck x.

I would be complaining too! What an awful thing to say to a pregnant woman, especially from a Midwife.

I am extremely anxious about labour which is why I am taking a Hypnobirthing class, I would not want to hear such a negative attitude taken by a Healthcare professional. She could do a lot of damage talking like that .

I don't think your midwife is mad, she's a complete bitch! Everyone's labour is different, she may well have felt that way, doesn't mean you will. Why do so many people insist on telling you doom and gloom stories wh e you're pregnant?

I would definitely complain about her and sounds like you are doing the right things to prepare.

I dont think your mw is mad. Unfortunately I was one who did feel like I was dying I had very fast intense labour. However everyone is different all labours are different and pain is personal might be a breeze for you. She maybe just thought if she told you the hardest outcome you would be prepared if it did not be the birth you wished for?

That's a really shitty thing for a midwife to say. It was probably how she felt with hers. People tend to project their experiences onto other people. I have people do this to me as well, I also took hypnobirthing classes and they helped immensely. All births are different, we just have to hope we have a straightforward one and do what we can to make it so like learning relaxation techniques etc. Good luck x

You will get the labour and delivery you get. It's all a matter of luck. But what will make the difference is your level of positivity, your approach and your preparedness.

There's nothing wrong with giving you the information and tools to be equipped for every eventuality but there are ways of doing this. You can be taught about drug availability and what can happen during labour without your mw telling you something 'will' happen or you must do things a certain way.

I approach things slightly differently to others on here. I don't think there's anything wrong with a pregnant woman being confronted with eventualities, as long as it's done to inform and empower, not scare. I went into my first delivery with blinkers on. I refused to listen to anybody who talked about anything negative. Of course sod's law decrees that I was the one who ended up with a terrible labour and honestly thought I was dying. A lot of that was my 'fault' though for steadfastly refusing to believe that it would be anything other than a woo, hippy, calm experience. Second time round, I accepted that I couldn't control a lot of the variables, but I could meet them head on and that was what made the difference.

I was relieved to read on here after having my first, that feeling like you're dying is actually not unheard of during a traumatic delivery. Believe me, when you're actually going through that, it's terrifying and I went into having my second knowing that feeling that way isn't an indication that the world actually is ending but just a response to a level of pain I'd never experienced before. My second labour btw? Utterly painless.

I would complain. Childbirth is a scary unknown and how you feel and think about it going into it makes a big difference (as you'll know having been doing hypnobirthing!). It is not the place of a midwife to make comments like those. Just remember that despite how she phrased it, she was telling you about HER experience, not about yours.

What a terrible thing to say! I did hypnobirthing and it didn't hurt a bit. It was boring actually.

I agree that expecting a lovely, hippy-dippy lotus birth experience can be just as counterproductive as expecting the worst experience/pain of your life.

You absolutely get the labour/delivery you get - love that line .

Be well informed (it sounds like you are).
I think it is reasonable to hope that you will get on fine (just don't back on it).
Do not have set ideas about how things will go/what you will want (you might think now that whale music will be relaxing, in labout you might find it intensely irritating. Or it could be The Thing that gets you through it)
Go with the flow. Listen to your body.

I think lots of aspects of motherhood/parenting are totally missold (don't get me started!) and I think knowing about the hard bits is a positive thing, but your MW's remark still does not sound empowering and yes, she was likely projecting.

I certainly didn't go in hippy dippy! I hoped for a 'good' birth but knew what drugs I could have when. I am a complete wuss!