help me understand why do they lie

[brokenk]

during my very unlucky and traumatic labour very rapid one with out any anestetic well apart from gas &air which had no any pain relief at all
some strange things had happened
I felt like I lost consciousness
I also had that scary reaction to gas & air (soome of you wrote about it in diffrent thread)
anyway
the last thing I do remember was the biggest pain I had in my life and then everything went quiet dark not painfull anymoore
then I think I regained consciousness

and well kind of found out that I had massive haemorrhage

in hospital nobody even tried to explain to me anything of what had happened to me and I m not afraid to say that they hide some important informations about my labour

even at the meeting whith head of midwifes they did not tell me true
two years later I found out some of it

but the bigest disappointment is my dp
he was there all that time whit me
first he was reacting strange way when I was asking what had happened
he did not want to talk at all about it
then he tried to make me think that it was all my foult
and now he is acting like he was not there

when I ask him stuff he is saying that he can not remember but I do know
is not true
how on earth can he not remember
he is saying that propobly there was so many people and so much stuff going on that he can not remember if for example it is possible that I was unconsciousness
why he would lie
well I can understand why hospital staff lied to me but why dp is acting such a strange way
Does he not have currage to tell me the true or he is hiding stuff from me
why??
I do deserve to know the true even if it is bad

If you had a big haemorrhage then he was probably shoved out of the way and wouldn't necessarily know if you had lost consciousness.

My immediate thought (or hope?) is that he loves you and that seeing you in so much pain, dealing with the hospital staff terrified him. That he was out of his depth and scared. Maybe he too feels betrayed as the birth he was looking forwards to went to places he couldn't imagine. Maybe he doesn't want to relive it. Maybe he can't discuss it.

I don't know if any of that Is true but what worries me is you. Plainly you need answers and to talk. You need help. Your GP should be able to guide you. Counselling or another conversation with the hospital. I think you should see your GP and ask for help. Others here will know more and have more suggestions.

Good luck

Lougle is right. He may not have been allowed with you if really bad. Hadn't thought of that.

Why don't you get your notes and go through them with an independent obgyn? Everything might not be in the notes but they might be able to read between the lines? Then you can have confidence that they won't hide things.

Your DP may nut be able to remember, firstly he would have been shoved out the way, secondly he would not have been able to understand what was going on as he's not a doctor, and thirdly a high speed traumatic event may mean his brain has chosen not to remember to protect his psyche. Go easy on him, he wasn't responsible for your care.

Why don't you request a copy of your notes?

He was probably shoved out of the doctors' way - confused and unsure what was happening. And he is probably traumatised.

My DH is certainly traumatised and can't answer all my questions. I think he has compartmentalised those memories and locked them away.

His view (quite rightly in my opinion) is that the birth was horrible, frightening and shocking, but nothing can be done about it now. And we have a beautiful baby. So least said about the delivery soonest mended.

brokenk you might find it helpful to talk to someone at the birth trauma association - you can talk things through by email.

have you contacted your local PALs (Patient advice liason service) they are the nhs body to help you in these situations talk with the health professionals to get the answers you need about your care.

thank u all and Im sorry
well I do have hospital notes but they are written in such bad way Im not able to read them the hand writing I mean
the notes did explained a few things like blod lose how much etc but all the hand writing is not possible to read

when I did had meeting in hospital they dont even told me that I had tear and how big it was
it was my gp nurse who said it accidently and when I ask oh so did I had tear she never she stoped

and well dp he was laughing at me first because my reaction to gas &air
but when I started pushing him for answers he become more angry abussive and aggresive towards me I mean not physically
so ok I do understand you can be shocked about what was happening but his reaction is strange
and ok my gp two yers later told me whe I ask what is wrong with me he said
that I have permament nerw damage so what did the hospital told my gp and they never told me???
and why gp told me two years later
Im sorry that Im writting it very chaotic but Im just trying to understand
and we do not have Pals

and well its been such long time so Im not even upset any moore just disappointed in big style
because if it was that serious (there was propobly about 20 personel at once when I had haemorrhage) they both I mean my dp and the hospital staff should seat down with me and calmly step by stap explain everyting
and they never

and well he is not a doctor but he worked in hospital lab before so he is not a total layman in medical terminology

so I really think he know exacly what was going on unless like somebody notice above he have been shove out but can he just not tell me that

Wishiwasanhiress
and if you would love somebody you
would tell that person the true

no matter how bad the true is
I would preffer to know

Hi Brokenk, apparently I had a haemorrhage after my fast labour DC1 Although I didn't lose total consciousness, I thought the blood was from my tear. it wasn't until my booking appointment for DC2 with my midwife did I even get to hear about this haemorrhage properly. She had my notes from the DC1 and it was the first time I go to discuss the labour. I was a bit angry tbh. I have to see a consultant and discuss options for the birth in a few weeks time. If I had known perhaps we may have waited before conceiving.

As i didn't lose consciousness and DH was with me and neither of us knew that I had a haemorrhage I can well believe that your DH has no idea either. My DH was a bit shocked by the speed and the sudden amount of medical staff in the delivery room.

I really believe that the medical professionals just treat mums in labour like a factory process, once the baby is born we're patched up and pushed off home. There really is no chance to discuss what just happened to us! Certainly not in the hospital I gave birth in, the postnatal ward was full I ended up on antenatal ward and we had to be discharged en masse so they could get the beds turned over quickly.

thank you Stepmooster

When 2 people are present at the same event they can have very different memories of what happened.

Each sees it from their point of view and understanding.

I'm not sure he can give you what you want which seems to be some sort of coming to terms with it. Perhaps counselling?

I don't think he would lie to you about it really, its just maybe because he has no idea. It happend to me too, he doesn't know what happend, there was so many people in there and working really speedy he has no clue what happend. Same with the medical staff, theres never been an explanation because they didn't know why it happend either. I understand how you feel and you never get that closure that you feel you need, and its very scary considering babys again without thinking well if they don't know why it happend then how can they prevent it again. Mine happend 4 and a half years ago now, I went on to have my second baby 2.4 years after my first and it all was fine xx

beckie90
thank you
Well I kind of know why it happened to me I had some treatment on my cervics and I should have c/s so it it was my consultant mistake because she had denied me c/s and it does looks unfitunatelly that I had been damaged for life

but because I can not remember a thing I assume that I did lost consciousness
and here I do have problem
the hospital stuff didnt even mention a single word why or what exaly but I do know that they lie to me because they did not even bother to tell me about a tear

but apart from everything

you whenever Im trying to talk to dad of my baby he is reacting in weird way
like hi is hiding something from me he is acting with anger he is shouting and calling me names which is a total shock for me !!!
because ok if he can not remember anything so why he never told me that in normal calm way

I know that you would think its silly but a not guilty person would not act like that when you ask her a question

And I know some of you mention about counseling but
well I dont really think I need one at the moment
What I do need is explanation

eh and I m not pregnant again I just posted it in wrong section
I have been damaged in such bad way that Im not able to walk sometimes so there is a total ban to intercurse
and well I do feel a little bit disappointed that they can not even honestly explain to me things

I also had a bad haemorrhage after my sons birth. I lost consciousness. My DH was rushed out of the room, terrified.

I requested my notes and it simply says PPH and the number of litres lost. No reasons and no details. When I asked about it nobody knew why it had happened.

I have no idea why your partner becomes so angry about it I just wanted you to know that it also happened to us and we will never know why. I am pregnant again and quite worried!

thank you
and vix congratulation and good luck
and you try to not worry propobly when you have pph first time the second time the hospital will be more prepared for possiblity of pph

and well I ll propobly never know why he is reacting that kind if way