Support during pregnancy.

[MrsLee]

Hello to you all,

Im 34 weeks preg with my 3rd child and have a stepson too, Im just wondering if anyone out there has the same problem as me or if anyone can give me some advice on how to deal with this... here i go....

Since i got pregnant my husband has gone off me, he's not one for patting my bump or touching me atall really.. he does'nt help with any decisions regarding the new baby such as how he feels about feeding/bitrh anything.. he dont want to do any baby shopping with me and leaves it all to me.. i know some men can be afraid of becoming a dad but we already have 3 kids between us, mmmmmm its so hard to put this across the right way, hope it makes sence?
I just feel like im alone on this one as i live a good 50 miles away from any of my family, whenever i try talk about this with him all i get is 'its your body and your decision' i feel like screaming in his face yeah but its our baby.
Are any of your husbands/partners like this?

Hi MrsLee,

So sorry to hear about your situation - have you tried to talk to your DH about it?? if so - what is his response?? Think he should be made to discuss this with you, as it's not fair for you to shoulder all the burden. It's hard enough coping with being heavily pg, but with a large family and little support from partner it is very hard. My DP is a bit like this, certainly when it comes to shopping for the baby - he looks like he'd rather be doing ANYTHING else!! Some men I think see it as purely the mother's responsibility - and of course it isn't!! How long since the birth of your last child?? Is he worried about harming the baby in some way??

Hi Louba,
Its been nearly 4 yrs since i had my daughter and he's not the BF of my children so pregnancy and birth with him is a new thing for us.. He has a son from a previous relationship who we have allot here and as far as i know he was all into the pregnancy thing with her, oiling her belly and stuff like that but yet he aint laid a finger on me in months... its even a chore for him to feel the odd kick from our baby, i have to place his hand on my belly and no sooner than doing that he moves it like its horrid or something, Im really at my wits end with all this and can honestly say im getting rather depressed, we both decided to have a baby and it was all a great thing to begin with but now im so big everything has changed, i just dont know what to do.

Oh, i didnt answer your question sorry... yeah iv tried talking to him but i think he just sees me as all hormonal alien whos talking another language.

Hi Mrs Lee, I can understand a bit how you are feeling. I have ds1 (9) from previous relationship then got together with DP and we had DS2 together. Ds2 was a planned pregnancy and DP was very attentive and caring during the pregnancy and really into the whole thing. When I found out I was pregnant when ds2 was just over a year old we were both really shocked as we had no plans on having anymore.

DP didn't want us to have the baby and I was adamant that I would. We talked about it and agreed that we would have the baby but I felt like I was on my own during that pregnancy compared to the ds2. It did hurt my feelings and I think we both withdrew to a certain extent. I kept anything negative i was feeling to myself as I didn't want the response of well, its your bed, you lie in it IYSWIM

Looking back at it now I think DP was overwhelmed and concerned about how we would cope with another baby. Is this something that could be bothering your partner?

Also we had just started to feel like we were getting some time together (as you can tell from surprise pregnancy ) and I think he felt like he was taking a step backwards.

I was worried he wouldn't be that interested in DD but he adores her. He has paid more attention to her than he did when ds2 was first born

How long have you been together? Do you think he's thinking he'll have to take a backstep in your relationship when the baby arrives?

Sorry such a big ramble

Gosh, this is a tricky one isn't it? My view is that the only way to deal with this kind of situ is to keep on talking to each other, while making sure it doesn't turn into a row.
I've been getting a bit upset lately too cos DH seems totally overwhelmed by me being pregnant and having a baby, even though we tried for two years before conceiving and I know he is really happy about it. I think he's scared about becoming a dad, scared about hurting me, not terribly keen on my new body shape and has no interest in sex, very rarely puts his hands on the bump without me taking his hand, but is being very loving and supportive in all other ways. He hasn't said much of this, and we do need to talk more about it.
There's a lot of complicated feelings going on for dads during pregnancy I think, and it's very difficult to get to the bottom of it (cos they may not be able to articulate it themselves) without being very patient and gentle and encouraging him to talk to you about how he is feeling.
I've heard that asking open questions which aren't threatening, or making requests rather than accusing him of not doing things, is a good tactic. And make it about you rather than him eg 'I'd really like it if you...' rather than 'you never...' What you don't need right now is to get depressed and resentful when you should be looking forward to your first baba together. And I do think you need to say that this is 'our baby' and you need his support and want his opinions and involvement, just don't scream it at him!
Good luck!
Pinchy xx

MrsLee -

I do sympathise. My DP has three kids from previous relationship. I am now 36 weeks PG and I do somtimes get that 'he's done it all before' feeling, as all this is brand new to me obviously!! ( there isn't the amazement for him that there is for me about every kick etc) I really do feel for you. I know how I feel if I'm not getting the support I think I need, it is a very insecure feeling. I agree with pinchy - I think it's very important to keep talking - even if he does think you're a hormonal alien ( my DP think I am one of those too btw) x Best of luck with it all - please let us know how you get on...

Thank you all for your kind words and advice...

Its so hard sometimes to find the right time to talk together, we have allot of other things going on at the moment and i cant help thinking that i dont want to be adding to his stresses but i guess this needs to be dealt with soon as i dont have much longer left till baby comes.
Im thinking of having a chat with my midwife or health visitor maybe then i might feel the is a bit more support cos i said im miles away from any family and dont drive so really im quite alone here. On a more positive note i do think he will bond with the baby when it comes, maybe its just the pregnancy thing that freaks him out.. it is rather odd init lol.

I think the whole pregnancy thing passes a great many men by. DP had a 'it'll all be fine, don't fret' type approach when I was pregnant with DS1 but then he quickly realised the impact after the birth. As nothing is actually physically happening to them I think it must be difficult for them to comprehend until labour starts.

All my friends partners have been the same...totally disinterested in anything other than the mothers health throughout the pregnancy.

I once thought I'd help a mate by lending her all our baby stuff but showing her DH how it worked...BIG mistake. He grumbled about the volume of stuff and muttered about it all being unnecessary and didn't pay any attention. I said 'You're going to regret not having paid attention to me' in my best Headmistress tone. Sure enough...called virtually in tears because he couldn't fit the carseat on the way back from the hospital and once a week from that point on with some query about what things were for.