Massive ranty moany wail (with a happy bit)

[izchaz]

I've just posted in here about my MIL being a hugely uncaring woman, who's deeply ingrained lack of care for her son led to a colossal fight on the evening we announced that we are expecting our first child. Unfortunately last night has done a straw-that-broke-the-proverbial on me, and I'm now a gibbery mess.

This is freeform, I doubt I will check it through, it's probably not going to be in any order, in short, prepare for a bit of a rant... Sorry!

After a year of trying DH and I have managed to get a pregnancy to stick for longer than a few days (6 weeks today, eeeeeeee!) and we very pleased with ourselves (if apprehensive for the future). This child is desperately wanted and I am over the moon that I've managed to get even this far after two chemical pregnancies. I am less chuffed about feeling like I've been run over by the tired-train, I am the walking dead, I cannot express how tired I am all the time - fell asleep mid-chat with my father this morning! This would be fine if I felt secure in my work, however I start a new job next week, an intense "on your feet, 12 hours a day" job in a high risk environment, I am desperately excited as I love the work, but I'm terrified I won't be able to keep up or I'll develop spectacular morning sickness and vomit all over some poor unsuspecting sap. (does anyone know incidentally if there is a causal link between being small [size 6 small] and getting bad morning sickness or HG? Everyone I know who's been badly afflicted has been size 10 or smaller)

DH and I are also planning to move - we need to be closer to his family as his mother is terminal C and his father is not expected cope without her. I am happy to move, but it will treble my commute time from 20 minutes to an hour (I am not relishing 14 hour days...) The second reason we are moving is to get away from our current neighbourhood, home to an ex-friend (That F*ing Woman, hereafter TFW), who had an affair with DH before and after we married AND twisted and used me to keep me close to her. In short our house does not represent happy times...

I had hoped to see my GP or the midwife asap because I have questions, want to sort out who can see my notes (TFW may potentially have access), and because I feel I am floundering under the weight of the above, but have been told I cannot possibly see ANY GP before a week Tuesday, so the better part of a week and a half, and cannot see a midwife until the end of May due to "scheduling commitments".

From a slightly different angle, I worry for DH and his relationship with his mother (fraught) and his sister. My SIL and MIL are as good as chemically bonded to each other, they do, see and say everything together. You have never seen such a toxic self-perpetuating mother-daughter horror show. They love and support to each other's faces, hold secrets and lies behind each other's backs, they moan endlessly about how needy the other is, but constantly set up new excuses to be close, to the exclusion of DH and my thoroughly lovely FIL. MIL's prognosis is a couple of months at best, and whilst she spends every second of every day with her daughter she actively discourages DH from visiting, phoning, emailing, last night's chat was a disaster, and whenever they do speak she either nags him incessantly, nitpicks his behaviour or makes poorly thought-out demands. A few examples of a her particular brand of parenting:
"Sell your dog, he's just a dog, and he's worth money",
"Why aren't you more like your sister? She's very good with money...",
[Interrupts discussion]"Of course your sister is very good at X",
"WHY do you insist on trying to talk to me?" (on her birthday, arguably the last she will have)
My fear is that he will not have the relationship with his mum that he craves, and that he will end up resenting his sister for her place in their mother's affections.

I cannot easily discuss this with DH as he is under a huge amount of strain with his mother's terminal C diagnosis, and his guilt around TFW (I only found out about their affair 4 months ago), my go-to person for difficult-to-discuss stuff has until recently been TFW, and I'm rather isolated where we currently live. So, dear internet, you have become the pillow on which I cry myself to calmness, aren't you lucky!

Uhh, there's probably more, but right now I think I'll stop and blow my nose!

TLDR: I am an emotional timebomb!

I'm so sorry to hear that all these stressful situations have come along at once, but massive congratulations with the baby!

You mustn't let all this overwhelm you. Try and see and tackle each problem separately and remember that you can't change other people, just how you deal with them.

A lot of people have seriously let you down lately. Don't let it get the better of you, focus on your baby and the future.

Aww, thank you Bunnylion, that's the way I try and look at it: me and mine, which is a total life-changer for me, because I have always been very generous with my time, energy and love. DH can't quite understand the change in me, or rather, he does, and he feels terrible for it, but he cant quite fathom all the things/habits/behaviours it has touched, changed and poisoned. For the most part though I see a future with him, I have started writing a journal to my baby (but in reality to me I suspect) to try and sift through all of what I feel. Also if I do go completely loopy and am unable to communicate through anything but blinking one eye I can at least instruct (through blinking) that the men in white coats read the journal before they lock me away for ever!

Yep, it's the start of new beginnings in so many ways for you!

When I was 6 weeks, the extreme tiredness magnified the stress of everything and it was difficult to cope at times. My DH also found it hard not being able to really understand or help me. A lot of my problems were to do with work stress, mum having cancer, suffocating PILs and a sister who wasn't happy that I was pregnant at all and was quite jealous.

But this is an amazing time in my life, stresses and problems never stop but f* them, I'm going to enjoy it, and so should you.

See? Cheered me right up you have! I do hope you managed to rebuild a relationship with your sister, and that your mum is in a better place now.

Im glad to hear it.

Thanks, my relationship with my sister is a bit better now, still not 100% but she's realised that I didn't get pregnant JUST to piss her off. My mum is fortunately still here, having chemo at the moment.

Good luck with the move, work, DH, SIL and baby! I'm sure all will work out and if it doesn't then you'll be a happy mama anyway so other worries won't seem half as important.

I'm so glad to hear your mum is still with you, chemo is an absolute kicker, but it's worth it! Keep on keeping on.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope that it goes smoothly for you.

I'm sorry about everything else you have going on - as others have said, try to deal with it one thing at a time so it doesn't overwhelm you.

As an aside, why do you think TFW might have access to your medical notes, I can't imagine anyone but you/your dr/your mw would?

Thanks Knittingirl, I think TFW might have access because she is a medical student due to do a community rotation and we have only one local midwife/GP base (and she's dangerously devious, as I have discovered to my cost). Secondly she will be doing rotation in the hospital where I work (and where I may have some of my appointments over the coming months, and should technically be giving birth) and is very friendly with the staff who work in and run the maternity/obs/gynae units. She is a master manipulator and liar, if there's a way of getting you to do what she wants through words and actions she will find that way and maximise the potential to do damage with it.

I am considering going to a hospital that is locally notorious for poorer maternity care in order to avoid her having any sort of access to me, my medical records, my baby and my husband over the coming months. The fact I have to work in a building she frequents for training and because she is a pathological doctor-botherer (it garners her attention) is bad enough, but having to be there for my baby? eurhghghghghghhgghhg JUDDER!