Three month's pregnant and husband is comparing my body with other women's

[exairhostess]

I'm new here, I just wanted to get the perspective of others on this one.
This is our second marriage, and I'm three months into my second pregnancy. I'm now quite visibly pregnant (I was let through fast track at airport security last week, saving us about an hour of queueing!)

Anyway, yesterday my husband was on his way back from work, when he phoned me to tell me that he'd had a meeting with a woman at his work who was 8 months pregnant, and that her bump was smaller than mine and that mine was huge by comparison (I'm only 3 months pregnant and apparently she is 8 months.) This comes after weeks of him expressing amazement at how massive I am so soon.

I burst into tears at this and told him I don't think it's appropriate that he's dicussing other women's figures with me. I had an episode of bleeding early on in pregnancy, I'm already worried that everything is ok inside my belly, this comment has just made me feel like I'm hideously abnornal and there's something really wrong with my pregnancy.

I'm due to have my first scan tomorrow, I feel so nervous and upset. My husband is furious with me, he says my reaction is totally unwarranted and he is perfectly entitled to discuss other women's figures with me as he is approaching the subject from a health perspective.

I should mention I'm a small person and I have already explained to him that I was a similar size in my previous pregnancy. This won't be his first baby either, so he's had the experience of having a pregnant wife before so he's not completely clueless.

No-one except my husband knows that I am pregnant, so I don't even have any friends or family I can turn to on this, so sorry for offloading like this, but I'd appreciate some advice on this.

I think there are 2 kinds of men;

There's the ones who tell you you're beautiful no matter what, these are the ones who would let you leave the house in the most ridiculous outfit because they're too nice to say you look a bit of a mess!

Then there are the ones who are truthful, they say what's at the front of their mind no matter what, the good thing here is that these kind of men will tell you to get changed so you don't humiliate yourself. The bad thing is they can be pretty hurtful but I know in the case of my oh he mainly wants me to be the best I can be and also wants the best for himself. A good example of this is talking about me losing baby weight, I complain about it but don't do anything to fix it but if he tells me I should do something about it I go mad at him even though he's right.

I think your dh was a little (very) misguided in his reaction even if his initial comment wasn't intended to be harsh. Hope you move on from it quickly! x

Thanks for all your replies. Realising that there are so many differing viewpoints on this one has made me less mad. I'm sure crazy pregnancy hormones didn't help me take the comment well in the slightest.

"Worrying what we looking when pregnant is even more pointless."
Well said Startail, but I wasn't worried about anything until my husband started constantly harping on about my size.

Anyway, for the sake of a happy marriage, I've decided to take the high road and be the first to step up and apologise for my reaction.
I've also made it clear that I found it very hurtful and if he does it again, he'll likely get the same reaction.

Actually looking forward to the scan a bit now! Good luck with your scan LandsN!

Glad u happier now and good luck to u too x

Good luck with your scan. I am 20weeks tomorrow and everybody looks different. I don't have a 'bump' as such but just look a bit fat around the middle... believe me, it's no better than looking 'more' pregnant.

I would say though that I truly and honestly believe that commenting on a pregnancy bump (and the amazing diversity of them) is NOT in any way 'commenting on a woman's figure'. It's just not... they're not talking about YOU, they're talking about the baby and pregnancy which let's face it is pretty weird and amazing and wonderful and strange all at the same time :)

Your DH I am sure did not mean anything more than 'wow, your bump is amazing, there's a little person in there, and isn't it interesting that it's so different from that other woman I know who also has a little person in her stomach too'.

Sometimes it's not what they say but how they say it. Being amazed and intrigued is fine, putting his point over critically is not. Glad your putting it behind you, best of luck tomorrow :)

Thank you for all your support and responses. Incident has well and truly blown over and hopefully will not recur again. My scan this morning has shown up ONE normal healthy sized baby at 13 weeks and 2 days!
I did ask the midwife regarding the "bigger than 8 month pregnant lady" question (without going into the fallout of it all!). Midwife enquired regarding the height of said lady, and, as it turns out she's taller than my husband in flat shoes (he's 6ft tall!!) and I am 5"2. That explains A LOT!!

Exactly as someone said, if you only have a short distance between your pelvis and ribcage, the only way is OUTWARDS. And if you are 6ft tall, then that's a lot of space for a baby to hide in! So to all intents and purposes, baby and I are perfectly normal. And baby could potentially turn out to be a whopper, as second babies are generally bigger than first ones, and first one was 8lb14oz (90% of babies born weigh less than this apparently) and that was with my first husband who is significantly shorter than my current one, so I'm expecting this one to be enormous, and for me to be even bigger than last time! I have been given the choice of whether I want an elective c section or normal birth due to delivery complications last time, so that's the next thing to think about, without going toooo much off topic.

Anyway, two happy and reconciled parents-to-be feel both a bit shamefaced of the fiasco of last few days and much happier and grateful. And hubby has been well briefed to expect me to turn into nothing short of a beached whale. Any vaguely negative comments in the future will be responded with "it's your fault you're are so tall!" instead of floods of tears!!

Congratulations on your pregnancy - glad the scan went well too!
I think you also need to remember that often second pregnancies show sooner than first pregnancies - I know I did and struggled to hide it from work before 12 weeks!
Hormones are also running high, so I think your partner needs to be a bit more sensitive to you.
Good luck and I hope all goes well.

I think what you should do OP, is to ring your husband and say 'Hey, there's a guy at my work, and he's about 10 years older than you but he looks quite a lot younger and slimmer.' Then when he complains you should tell him he has no right to because you were pointing out a health concern :)

Lol crazyhead, I did actually think of saying something just like this when I was fuming all the next day about it. But now I'm well and truly over it.
We've seen our baby for the first time, it's hard not to feel happy!!

My husband's not a bad person, I'm sure his intention was not to hurt me. He has loads of redeeming qualities, hopefully I can remember this the next time he puts his big feet in it!!

Congratulations

Congrats exairhostess. It definitely sounded like a dappy bloke rather than mean thing to say....enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.