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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Unsupportive DH in pregnancy

14 replies

Frecklesandspecs · 25/03/2013 07:13

Hi, wasn't sure whether to post this in relationships or pregnancy so hope it doesn't offend anyone if it's in the wrong place.
I am on my 3rd pregnancy. DH and me have 2 girls already and we were doing ok....until I got pregnant again. DH didn't want me to continue with it but I have as I couldn't go through with a termination. I feel I have done the right thing but DH is not happy. I couldn't find a good reason to terminate. We are not short of money and have our own house. It is not the ideal time but when ever is?
We have hardly spoken for 2 weeks and I feel exhausted and quite lonely.
I don't have any friends or family around to help or talk so which is why I popped on here.
I just don't know if he is going to change or not once the baby is here.
I'm just 9 weeks or so into it and it's been a fairly easy one so far but it's not easy with a 1.5 yo and a 2.5 yo to run around after. I don't mind that so much but it the treading on eggshells around him and the feeling that he just doesn't like me at all at the moment which is painful.
I'm starting to show and I feel like he can't even bare to look at me (maybe it's in my head but thats how I feel)
He hasn't mentioned anything about the pregnancy and is carrying on like nothing is happening.
It feels like I am going through with this pregnancy all on my own.
I told me mum but he was annoyed I had told her and that will be the same if I tell anyone else.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't do what he wanted me to and that I was letting the relationship down but I know I would feel much more guilty if I had terminated.

Sorry just wanted to have a rant.
Is anyone else in the same boat?

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 25/03/2013 07:17

I think you need to have a very clear conversation with him.

This baby is happening. People will find out, you're not going to be able to sneak around with a huge bump, or hide the newborn! He either needs to grow up and accept it - or go.

Frecklesandspecs · 25/03/2013 07:18

sorry, I have a 1.5 y/o and a 3.5 y/o (they will be 2 and 4 when this one comes)

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Frecklesandspecs · 25/03/2013 07:23

Fliss, thankyou, I have told him we both just need to take responsibility for it and though it won't be easy we will manage like others do. I know I can manage which is why I have carried on with it.

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HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm · 25/03/2013 09:36

He's being an arse. But in the interests of holding your family together d talk to him or write a note explaining what a difficult decision it was, how you spent time really considering his viewpoint but in the end knew it would destroy you and probably the relationship if you terminated. That you understand he'll need time, but that this baby is happening and you really need his support and a big hug because he's making you feel like he might walk out at any minute.

I'd guess he's sulking and scared. Prob just needs a wake up call that it's not all sunshine for you either. Make it about how you feel rather than how he's behaving, or he'll just sulk more.

Fwiw DH agreed to ttc for dc1, then was an unsupportive arse all the way through to DS being about 6mo. Nearly broke us. Did come round though and worships the ground DS walks on and actually asked me if we could have another (now late pg after picking jaw up off the floor!).

Good luck

Frecklesandspecs · 25/03/2013 09:59

Thanks sauce. He is probably scared, you are right. I did actually make an appointment for the Termination most;y to show I was also listening to him but I just knew I couldn't. He actually came around at one point and said it would all be ok ect and then out of the blue a week or so later asked me again to terminate when I had already cancelled the first appt.
I honestly don't think we would have stayed together long if I had gone through with it. I had one years ago (not with him) when I was young and although I thought it was the right thing at the time, I still replay the whole thing back in my mind and remember every detail. (that is about 10 years ago now)

OP posts:
Petcat · 25/03/2013 18:15

Hi Freckles

Sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time. It does sound like he's having a vicious sulk, and behaving very unfairly. The two of you are obviously at loggerheads over this issue, but choosing to go ahead with your pregnancy is really something only you can decide. I take it you weren't actively trying to TTC?

I can't offer you any advice really, except to say I have also spent most of my pregnancy with an unsupportive partner and no-one nearby in RL to talk to about it. Mumsnet has been an absolute godsend, I have been able to get advice and support for all the aches and pains and ups and downs along the way. Me and my DP were ttc for 2 years so this pregnancy was definitely planned and very much wanted, but he has been a less-than-ideal partner for most of it. He won't touch or look at my bump and generally ignores me or walks away if I try to talk to him about the baby. I've resigned myself to getting through the pregnancy alone, and possibly being a lone parent at some time in the future. However, I am not planning on leaving just yet. I really hope we can sort things out and eventually enjoy the family life we always planned.

I take heart that some posters on here have had unsupportive partners who have turned into good dads once the baby is born (I think the saying goes some men don't become fathers until they hold their baby for the first time). Some people are just repulsed or frightened by pregnancy in general. And some lack the emotional intelligence to bond with their unborn child.

I know my DP becomes withdrawn, cold and unsupportive when he feels frightened or under pressure. Pregnancy seems to have brought this out in him, we had a scary first trimester as I had bleeding for several weeks, and at 18 weeks we had a scare with a possible parvovirus infection. He recently told me he just doesn't want to get his hopes up and bond with the baby yet, even though I'm now 30 weeks along!

I hope you can stick to your guns. Don't even entertain a conversation about whether you want to continue the pregnancy or not. You're going ahead and it's up to him if he wants to be involved. It might be worth giving him the grace of a couple of weeks, to see whether he will come round when you go for your first scan? Perhaps seeing the baby will help him realise it's actually happening and help him bond?

I second the previous posters saying try and reach out to people in RL. The fact he got annoyed when you told your mum shows he knows he's being horrible and unreasonable. And keep posting on here if you need to, it's amazing how supportive and kind random internet strangers can be! Smile

BabyHMummy · 25/03/2013 18:29

Hi freckles...i am sorry that your dh is being like this!! Keepntrying to talk to him is my only advice really...

I have to say i had the termination conversation with my dp when we found out i was pg. It was me that brought it up and was asking him to consider it. He vito'd it it without any discussion and i felt a bit odd about it all as he had always said he didn't want any more kids (has 2 with his ex). It has taken me a long time to adjust to it as unplanned etc and still not there. I guess what i am saying is bare with him. He may just need time? Have you explained fully why you couldn't terminate?

Hope it works out hun

Frecklesandspecs · 25/03/2013 19:26

Thankyou pet for the encouraging post. Bare with me as i am writing reply on phone so sorry in advance for the typos.sorry you are going through similar. This was very unplanned but we both know we had unprotected sex and i knew there was a chance as must he have. I was kind of excited before telling him but his reply came down like a ton of bricks.
I had only been to the Dr a couple of days before to discuss long term contraception and he had been promising to get the snip since dd2 ws born but not got around to it.

Baby its good to hear your opinion and experience from the other side. I did tell him i could not see a valid reason to terminate atm and also told him about my termination years ago. I explained that i thought if i went through it for him i may resent it later which could test us part if i was.not 100% myself. Thanks for sharing both.
Sometimes.i wonder also how much longer i Will be a married mum as this emotional stuff is taking its toll.

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BabyHMummy · 25/03/2013 20:21

It may just take him some time to adjust if unplanned. But as you say it takes 2 & without contraception and him not going for snip as agreed then he needs to get a grip and start dealing with it.

Termination was not something i wanted but i also couldn't justify forcing dp into having a baby he didn't want. It was the hardest decision i have ever made. But the big difference is i knew he didn't want kids. I was always told i couldn't have them ao when things got erm out of control and we didn't use anything i never gave it a thought. Colour me surprised when i was suffering what i thought were side effects from morphine and took a stubborn "i am not.pregnant and i will prove it" test!!

You need to do what is best for you but do try and talk to him about why he is so set on not having this baby. And as hard as it is try and see it from his pov and then look for ways you can move forward as a couple.

I hope it work out for you

Frecklesandspecs · 25/03/2013 21:24

Thanks baby. It sounds as though you were very sure of your decision. I just didn't think I could go through the questions with the people who were doing it if I was that sure ect. I think you have to be really sure in yourself don't you?
I hope we can move on. Praying for a boy as we have two girls and I think he may find that more reassuring iyswim?

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BabyHMummy · 25/03/2013 21:46

was absolutely certain and yes i think you need to be 110% that its the right thing otherwise as you fear resentment etc creeps in.

I do indeed see what you mean. I. Hoping for a girl as we have issues with dp's son and a severe attachment issue to.his dad. I think another boy would make that a whole lot worse. All my dreams etc Have been about a baby girl and only seem drawn to girl things in shops etc but we find out next week so am getting anxious!!

It will be hard to deal with but try and hang in there. And keep talking to him. And talk to your closest friends etc just maybe don't tell him!! You need the support.

Frecklesandspecs · 26/03/2013 06:48

Well i'll hope for a baby girl for you and you can hope gore a baby boy gore me ;)

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Frecklesandspecs · 26/03/2013 06:48

For me *

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BabyHMummy · 26/03/2013 08:23

Sounds good to me

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