depression

[selfcensored]

Have name changed, as I don't want to be identified. Considered posting on the antental/ pnd board but it's not very active so thought I would try here. Please be kind to me. I'm having some unpleasant thoughts and really want to sort myself out but don't know how.

First pg, 25 weeks. This is a much wanted and tried for first baby. I've had depression in the past, but the last 5 months have been hell. I cry all day. I want to kill myself. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I feel like I've done something evil. This poor kid is going to have me as its mother, and I feel like I'm already ruining its life by crying all the time, probably filling my body with stress hormones, eating unhealthily, etc.

I have been referred to a counsellor and am going weekly. But nothing seems to help. The counsellor is going on holiday next week and I feel desperate. My DP is being wonderful but I don't know how much more he can put up with - it must be awful to come home to me all the time.

Sorry for long post. Is anyone else going through this, and how do you cope? Is there anything you can do just to get through the day? I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare. Every day things get worse because I can't work, can't plan anything, can't organise anything, can't even look after myself properly. And I know I won't be able to cope when the baby is born. I feel like someone should lock me up and take my baby away.

Hello. Yes I've been going through something similar (more anxiety than depression but some days have been very low indeed) This is my first pg too.

Have you considered antidepressants? Can you talk to your GP or midwife about the possibility of medication? There are some that you can take in pg. I've been on and off them for a few years now. They can help.

Also if you're not connecting with your counsellor then maybe you need to request another one? The patient/therapist relationship should be right and if its not I think it's ok to acknowledge that and see if there's someone else who's a better fit for you. If that's the issue.

I'm sending you a hug x

thanks gingerbread
i've considered anti depressants but I already feel so guilty about what I'm doing to the baby, I don't think I could do that too. Also, I gave up drinking and taking drugs years ago (had a few problems), so there's a part of me that worries if I go on AD it will just be a slippery slope.
I hope you are coping ok xxx

Hi, I feel for you. Sorry for what you are going through. As Gingerbread mentioned, maybe you could consider going on antidepressants.
I have been on them with both my previous pregnancies and they have kept me above board for a couple of years when I know I couldn't have coped.
I think it depends also on where the depression is coming from.
I never suffered with PND with my other two although I may well have done had it not been for the help from them.
It is much better to get medical help than wonder from one day to the next what is going to happen to you and your baby.
You do not need to be locked up. You need to be treated and listened to correctly.
Most GP's are fine with dep meds in pregnancy, a few try and make out that it's not the best thing. But it sure is better having a go than something happening isn't it?
Don't let this depression control and get the better of you, you still have a bit of strength left to write the post so take control and please go see your Dr and discuss your options. xxx

Self, I just read your reply to ginger. I also smoked, drank and did some RD's and have a bit of an addictive personality, but I have just recently come off them without any problem at all.
I do not feel any guilt about it, because I think being able to look after your baby is far better than not being able to without any help and something potentially nasty happening. What happens when you hit rock bottom with your baby depending on you to keep it safe and fed?
My girls have had no ill effects whatsoever and are very happy,healthy,smart kids.

Thank you Freckles, that is very reassuring. It worries me because I have never been tempted to drink since I gave up, except since I got pregnant. I just want something to block it all out, which is not good. But perhaps AD will help me not to feel like that anymore? (Alcohol is certainly NOT a solution! I know that.) How long were you on them for?

Thanks too for saying pnd is not innevitable.

hi self..

ive two kids, never had any form of depression (not even sure i fully understood it if im honest). anyway with pregnancy no2 i had similar thoughts and feelings to what u describe in your op. i spoke to my midwife & gp, and then was referred to speak to professional help. it was all 'ok'. but i just wanted to let you know that once i had my baby i genuinly felt 100% better! i had a baby girl (5months now) and am convinced that the surge of female hormones played some part in how i was feeling. (which was pretty nasty at times) ive not really spoke about it before. I did struggle to talk to friends/family but i found it easier to talk to the professionals.

just wanted to let you know that you can and will get past this

Self I've sent you a PM.

thank you celebmum
I'm actually really glad I posted on here. It's made me realise I'm not evil.

self I can completely empathise with your situation.

Over the last 3 years, I have suffered from varying degrees of anxiety and depression - to the point of feeling that I was going mad (and it does feel that it's only happening to you at the time as you don't hear about other people's experiences enough!)

I have been on citalopram ever since and it has really helped - no more panic attacks, my awful (often disturbing) thoughts (which once they get into your head are very difficult to remove), crying for no reason, not wanting to socialise (which was totally out of character for me), feeling so tired all the time, even if I'd had a good night's sleep, have all but disappeared.

When my DH and I decided to TTC, we had a very open and frank conversation with my Dr. She was great - we weighed the pros and cons of staying on the drugs and decided that coming off them would pose more risk to the baby than keeping taking them.

I'm 11+1 and so far so good (just getting the normal hormonal moments that most pg women get!). There isn't enough evidence out there that taking anti depressants harms your baby and your MW will just keep a closer eye on you - and will give the baby more check-ups post birth. Also some hospitals can offer special counselling sessions for pg women.

It is a hard decision, but because of my positive experience so far, I would definitely recommend that you discuss it with your Dr and/or midwife.

I really hope this helps!

You re not evil!! If you were you wouldn't be coming on here talking in all honesty about your feelings. There is and will be a way out whatever one you take. No medication is 100% ideal, but neither are the other options.
I had been on them about 4 years on and off (fluroxetine)
There are loads of mums who know exactly how you feel and feel/have felt the same, so you are not alone.

I also have to take blood thinners which are not 'ideal' in pregnancy but my alternatives are to risk another blood clot. Sometimes we just have to make the 'best' choice we can not only for ourselves but for our kids.

I hope you can also talk this through with someone who can give you more options and get to the bottom of your depression.

I remember too with my first preg that I was very tired and bored alot of the time as I wasn't working after about 20 weeks because we moved and I felt really lonely with too much time on my hands to sit and think about stuff.
Trust me, once the baby is here you will not have a moment to spare and later pregnancies go much faster as you already have one to look after and keep you company!

...also, I forgot to add, force yourself to do things, to go out etc...maybe tell your DP that you're giving him permission to force you. Because, keeping busy really does help. If you do just stay indoors and don't see anyone, you just have too much time to dwell on your thoughts.