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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

In desperate need of help, please.

11 replies

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 09/03/2013 09:26

I started a thread a couple of days ago as I had a lot of bleeding and cramps. I had a scan and everything is fine, just one of those things. Here's where I need help...
They had to do an internal scan. Due to past abuse I can not deal with any internal examinations. I can't stop crying. I'm having nightmares and flashbacks. I don't want to live anymore. I've looked into a termination but I know I'd never forgive myself. It sort of feels like the pregnancy isn't real.
I have spoke to the gp about it but was basically told to get on with it.
dd was born by section as there is no way I can even contemplate a natural birth.
I don't know what to do. I am such a mess and so fed up of living with this.

OP posts:

LittleChickpea · 09/03/2013 09:35

Cuppa, I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. Not sure if you ae in the UK but if you are, have you tried to speak to someone at NAPAC. www.napac.org.uk

Try not to make any quick decisions. Do you have any close family that can support at the moment?

All my thoughts and best wishes.

Original poster

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 09/03/2013 09:43

Thankyou for being so kind. I will have a look at the link.
Dp is trying his best but doesn't want me to terminate and doesn't really understand how bad it is.
I feel like such a selfish cow, there are too many good people that can't conceive and here's me wanting to abort because of a fear. It's so stupid. I should have never let them do the scan

OP posts:

LittleChickpea · 09/03/2013 09:58

Cuppa, you are not a selfish person. Do not think like that. No one can comprehend your pain unless they have been through what you have. No one will judge you for a decision you make because of what you suffered. I just think you should consider giving yourself a bit of breathing space before making that decision. I think maybe speaking to someone about your fears and experience before you make any decisions could be a good idea,

Here is another link for adults serving abuse. www.supportline.org.uk/problems/child_abuse_survivors.php

Original poster

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 09/03/2013 10:19

It feels so wrong time think about a termination but carrying on with the pregnancy seems impossible. I'm stuck in a situation that I dont know how to get out of.
I don't see the midwife until the end of the month and by then I'll be 11 weeks.
Oh what a bloody mess. Poor dd has been neglected by me, and keeps asking why mum is crying. It's breaking my heart.

OP posts:

Havingkittens · 09/03/2013 10:45

Cuppa, I'm so sorry this has been so traumatic for you and has refreshed old wounds. There's a good chance that you won't need another internal scan now as I think they can see what they need to see by external scans from 12 weeks. You are allowed to request no internal examinations at the birth, or as you say, go straight for an ELCS.

Would it be worth looking into some hypnotherapy sessions to help you feel more calm and settled?

Original poster

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 09/03/2013 10:51

Hypnotherapy sounds interesting, I will look into it, Thankyou

My pregnancy with dd was, to put it bluntly, horrific. I had to use catheters from 18 weeks as my bladder shut down, had countless bleeds and blood transfusions. I am scared of that happening again. See, I'm even scared of the catheter after the section. I don't want it. And dont get me started on staying in hospital such a fool!

OP posts:

Havingkittens · 09/03/2013 11:15

Don't ever consider yourself a fool! If you've been through a traumatic time then it's bound to make you fearful. Your GP is an arse, don't let them fob you off. Maybe see if you can see another GP in the practice, or maybe you have an understanding midwife you can speak to? They may be able to make some suggestions that will help. Sadly there are probably lots of ladies who have suffered abuse and find examinations traumatic.

Original poster

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 09/03/2013 19:22

Thanks again. I will try to get an appointment next week with a different gp, hopefully one with more advice than to just get on with it.
I am trying not to think too far ahead as when I think about the birth, abortion pops into my head I truly don't want to end this pregnancy but when the fear takes over it's hard to be rational iyswim.

OP posts:

MummaPanda · 09/03/2013 22:40

Hi cuppa, my husband also had a very abusive childhood in the same sense as you. He also suffers with flashbacks and deppression every now and then. So I know from experience there is no magic word or phrase that will make this all ok.

But first of all you are definitely not a fool for feeling this way. There is nothing wrong with you. You can't punish yourself for these feelings.

I think taking it day by day will probably be the key, and definitely not freaking yourself out about the birth.

One thing I will say is be completely honest with your hubby, when you get these feelings, tell him. But maybe prepare him in advance when your feeling more yourself as to good things he can say to help and comfort you.
Because although we want to help we don't understand, so we need your help, to help us help you! If that makes sense!
I always seemed to end up making things worse when my hubby was feeling this way, and I was so frustrated that I couldn't do anything to make him feel better, but once he told me how he needs me to act in those situations it was so much better for both of us, and I felt like I knew him a lot better.

Anyways I hope this made some sense, and if you need someone to talk to I'm here

bogwoppitinatree · 09/03/2013 23:10

I really think you need to push your GP (or find another one) to get you referred for some therapy/counselling. Could you try to get your partner to come with you to an appointment so you have someone to be assertive for you with the GP if needed. Don't leave until you have an emergency appointment or the ball is rolling to get some help. You sound like you really need some help. Sorry I can't be much more help xx

june2013 · 09/03/2013 23:46

Just wanted to say that I was really sorry to hear what you're going through. You are not stupid, you must not blame yourself for any of this - what happened in the past or what you're feeling right now.

I hope you find a better GP and a good midwife, who can support you.

Thinking of you x

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